BOOK REPORT for the patterns of paper monsters by emma rathbone

bff charm: i’d try, but he wouldn’t take it.
swoonworthy scale: 4
talky talk: straight up raw with a splash of beauty
bonus factors: mysterious loner dude, murderer convention, adult cover
relationship status: strangers brought together by saturday detention

the deal:

i’ll be the first to admit that, when it comes to YA, i am all about the romanticization of bad boys. a mysterious loner with a checkered past? a misunderstood criminal straight outta juvie? i will GLADLY volunteer to contribute my time, energy, and sweet sweet lovin’ to their inevitable rehabilitation. but when i met jacob higgins, i realized that he was not yr average leather jacket-wearing, motorcycle-riding heartthrob. far from it, actually. and that is exactly why i fell so hard for his story.

see, jacob’s locked up in the Braddock County Juvenile Detention Center (JDC), where teenage souls go to die a slow, banal death. his daily existence is a dreary blur of meaningless routines, patronizing piles of rules and, the worst part, totally gross cafeteria food (seriously, isn’t that punishment enough?!). jacob spends most of his time trying to stay warm and zone out under the freezing florescents, his silent haze interrupted occasionally by minute flickers of happiness– the strawberry wafers at the snack table, fleeting glances from andrea, a new girl on the (cell) block. his only goal is to get out of this monotonous hellhole as soon as possible, even though the real life waiting for him outside promises only an alcoholic mother and a violent stepfather. while jacob successfully avoids entanglements with lane, his mediocre therapist, and pastor todd, the overeager j.c. lover, he unwillingly befriends david, a creepyass mothercusser who may prove to be the the downfall, not only of the JDC, but of jacob’s hope for redemption.

bff charm: i’d try, but he wouldn’t take it

oh JACOB, you break my heart. you’re so lost and listless, buried under years of delinquency and abuse, exhausted by the simple idea of living. and yet, in spite of yr suffocating situation, you maintain a charming (yet understandably cynical) sense of humor. take, for instance, yr description of pastor todd:

At the center of this campaign is a sneakers-wearing self-proclaimed “code-red procrastinator” who also goes by the name of Pastor Todd, and who has his very own office here, right next to the rec room. When Pastor Todd is not apprising me of the fact that “Jesus was so badass he once knocked over a table,” or attempting to high five me in the hallway, he is trying to get me to come to the Bible study classes, which, I would rather eat a mug of ice cream with a bunch of hair in it.

gah, i wish we were real friends so you could complain to me in person and then we could share a spectacular eye roll in honor of the lame awfulness that is the JDC. of course, you’re incredibly private, so you’d probably never open up to me, esp. given the fact that we have basically no common ground upon which to connect. instead i’ll just live vicariously through yr growing relationship with andrea, a girl lucky enough to glimpse the potential you go to such great lengths to hide.

swoonworthy scale: 4

since the JDC is separated by sex, jacob and andrea only see each other a few times, and even then, they basically have to steal their intimacy under the watchful eyes of the guards. of course, this lack of contact only serves to make their connection deeper, their ethereal moments together more intense. far from yr typical forbidden prison romance (wait, is there a typical forbidden prison romance?), jacob and andrea’s relationship is a delicate dance of awkward pauses and unspoken questions, a waltz of both insignificant and devastating steps.

talky talk: straight up raw with a splash of beauty

can people PLEASE stop writing such amazing first books so i can maintain some semblance of self-esteem?!! GAH EMMA RATHBONE WHY ARE YOU SO TALENTED?!!!!

seriously, this book is a literary doozy. not only is jacob’s stark narration completely authentic, it’s guaranteed to pierce straight through yr heart. i feel like rathbone assembled an army of words, and then masterfully executed the perfect strategy to SLAY YOU WITH THEM. her power lies in her ability to maintain the deadened fog of jacob’s world while punctuating it with short bursts of vibrant description. for example:

If there was ever a time when I might have actually engaged with Lane, that time was over. I feel like the dead letter in a flickering sign.

or what about jacob’s one line summation of his well-meaning and super preppy “big brother,” jim:

He looks like someone you would see trying to straighten out a picnic blanket.

after i read that sentence, i had to stop for a minute to celebrate just how amazing it was. this is the kind of book where that happens A LOT.

bonus factor: mysterious loner dude

i think it’s pretty rare for the mysterious loner dude to actually be the narrator, and that’s one of the reasons why this story is so fascinating. finally, we get to see INSIDE THE MIND of an enigmatic, totally-hot-by-way-of-a-tortured-past boy, and ladies, JACOB DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.

bonus factor: murderer convention

so i don’t want to spoil this by explaining it, but just know that it’s a product of jacob’s mind rather than an actual meeting a la the whole serial killer convention in “sandman.” i found this idea to be one of the most powerful and surprisingly moving scenes in the book, and considering that the entire novel is one big clustercuss of compelling, that’s saying mucho.

bonus factor: adult cover

y’all this cover goes to the bank like a mothercussing ADULT!!!! in fact, it’s the exact opposite of DNRIP. you can read this book in public with PRIDE, causing casual observers to assume you’re extremely intelligent and exceptionally edgy. which you ARE. of COURSE.

casting call:

nicholas hoult as jacob

i think nicholas can handle the tough yet withdrawn exterior of jacob while letting little pieces of his humor and emotional depth shine through.

relationship status: strangers brought together by saturday detention

when this book first sauntered into the library, i assumed it was just yr average burnout, a loser delinquent. we had absolutely nothing in common, and the best i could hope for was an entertaining story about what it did to land in detention this time around. what i got, instead, was a totally mind-altering encounter with an amazing, beautiful, completely effed up individual. we both knew that, once we left the library, our separate worlds would never merge, but i gave it one of my diamond studs so that it would know how much it mattered to me, so that it would never forget that it is, in fact, extraordinary.

FTC Full Disclosure: My review copy was a free book I received from Little, Brown & Co.  I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). The Patterns of Paper Monsters is available now.

Okay, now that it’s officially September, it’s time to start looking forward to all the new shows the networks are trying to ‘tempt’ us with, as well as the return of our beloved favorites! This fall, I’ll be recapping episodes of The Vampire Diaries, a surprise favorite of mine last year.  But first!

It’s time we squared-off the television show with the books by L. J. Smith that inspired them!  I enlisted the help of reader/friend Talya, who is a super fan of L. J. Smith (or at least was when she was 12, and therefore has many fond memories and is STILL waiting for the final installment of The Night World Series, dammit!).  Who will win? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure the Salvatore brothers are about to KO somebody!

Meet the champions:

VS.

Round 1: Elena Gilbert

(Talya will be representing the books, while I will represent the tv show.)

The Book (Talya): Elena is a BEYOTCH. She is whiny and mean and snobby in the books, so it’s like, ‘who cares? Die!’

-1 point

The Show (Jenny): Elena is awesome!  She’s really sweet and caring, and tough!  (Like, when she finds out she’s dating a vampire, she tells him to get out of her life, instead of being all accepting and swoony).  She stands up for herself and others. (Plus she’s the adorable Nina Dobrev, whom Talya would like to remind everyone was Mia, the teen mom, on Degrassi!)

+1 point

Round 2: The Salvatore Brothers

The Book: In the books the Salvatore brothers are from the Italian renaissance. HOT. They become vampires- after they have ingested vampire blood- by fighting to the death and killing each other! Awesome! Stefan is the good one, Damon is evil. Not awesome sexy evil, just douchebag fiend evil.  As characters without pictures, they can be as hot (or not) as you want.

+2 points

The Show: In the show, the Salvatore brothers originate on a Virginia plantation in the 1800′s.  They become vampires- after they have ingested vampire blood- by being killed by their father- the ever-awesome James Remar, clearing the town of the vampire scourge, even if they’re his own sons. Stefan is good (or is he?) and Damon is evil, (but was he always?) in that super-sexy evil way.  In the show, as Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder, their hotness is NOT left up to your imagination:

Exhibits A & B

Paul Wesley surprisingly holds his own as the do-good hero against Ian Somerhalder's scene stealing Damon

+2 points

Round 3: The Diaries

The Book: In the books, the Diaries are actually an important part of the plotline, it is called the Vampire Diaries after all. Caroline steals Elena’s diary, which conveniently outs Stefan as a Vampire, and plans to read it to the entire town.   Major plot point, and awesome right?

+1 point

The Show: The first few episodes showed both Stefan and Elena doing some diary-writing while some angsty alternasong played in the background.  Then they kind of drift into the background, only showing back up when Elena’s kid brother of the eternally pouty face steals it and finds out all about the vampires, which, by then, he knew anyway, but it creates tension between them.

-1 point

Final Round: The Plot

The Books: One of the reasons Talya (and many others) loved these books was all of the crazy plot twists and turns! However, since there are many books, and only one season of the show is out so far, anything listed here might be too spoilerish for those who haven’t read them.

+2 points

The Show: The first half of season 1 meandered a bit, however, everything felt pretty plot specific, and by the second half of the season, I couldn’t wait each week for the new episode to air.  A large part of that was due, in fact, to the cast (not just the three leads, but cute blonde Caroline, hot history teacher with a mysterious past, and Sark from Alias, chewing up the scenery!).  However, the plot did twist and turn, and even though I could see where it was heading a fair amount of the time, I still got pleasantly surprised along the way, and the ride was thoroughly enjoyable. (Talya also noted that where the show deviates from the books has made it really come into its own.)

+2 points

Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it, but it looks like we have a tie!  You know what that means, gentle readers!  It’s time for a…

Bonus Round: (where we will make our closing arguments.)

The Show: My closing argument is as follows: Women want them. Men want to be them. Exhibits A & B:

Oh, did I forget to mention that the Salvatore brothers spend much of the show shirtless?

To quote the words of the text from my husband regarding these two: "Dude, I am so gay for them."

The defense rests.

The Book: I’d like to say how much awesomer the books are, but the truth is the show is much more AWESOME! So instead I will list my #1 reason why the books aren’t as awesome as the show: The obvious one, the books are written down on paper, which means there is no ooogling of Ian Somerhalder.

Negative 1000 points.

Check in next week for a quick recap of season 1 of the Vampire Diaries in preparation for the premiere on Sept. 9!

here at FYA HQ, we firmly believe in talking the talk AND walking the walk. we don’t just read books, WE LIVE IN THEM. we don’t just constantly refer to cocktails, WE DRINK THEM.

that’s why, after all of our rhapsodizing about slumber parties, we felt like it was HIGH TIME we threw one in real life. and since meghan lives in a state that is not TX and is therefore too inconsequential to be named, her recent visit to houston provided the perfect opportunity for the four of us to get together and SLUMBER PARTY IT UP.

now, i’m sure you’re all familiar with the necessary ingredients for a successful sleepover: doritos, champ cans, a john hughes movie and smokin’ hot gossip. but if you really want to take yr party to the Next Level, you need something more. something scandalous. something provocative. something ridiculously cray cray enough to induce binge drinking.

i’m speaking, of course, about THE SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOARD GAME!

that’s right, dear readers, we got our hands on this cardboard masterpiece of strategery and decided to play the all-american blue-eyed SHIZZ out of it!

besides this vital ingredient, we also included the following bonus factors:

1. mr. t. in his outer space jim jams!

2. red velvet whoopie pies baked and decorated by our lovely hostess, meredith (you may know her as The Chatterbox).

3. peeta’s croissants, baked with love (and yeah, a few tears) by meghan:

4. a plethora of effies

because we didn’t learn our lesson at the talegate, obvs.

5. PARTY PEOPLE!!!!

we quickly discovered that, um, life in sweet valley? IT’S COMPLICATED YOU GUYS. i mean, just look at these directions:

i swear you could put together an ikea desk with that manual.

in order to determine our popularity (i.e. character), we rolled the die, which was a rather deep commentary on social status that i’m pretty sure was not intentional on milton bradley’s part.

meredith and meghan got to be lila, and we all hated them for it, because SHE’S SO PRETTY:

erin got enid, and jenny got stuck with being elizabeth. SUCKS TO BE YOU, I.E. ELIZABETH, JENNY.

and guess guess GUESS who got to be the best and most popular girl in school? THAT’S RIGHT BISHES I’M JESSICA!!!!!

now, the goal of the game is to collect all of the cards that match yr character board by moving around the “school” so that you can have THE BEST AND MOST MAGICAL NIGHT OF YR LIFE. it’s obvs that i would need my COUTURE pink dress and corsage, but the teacher thing sorta stumped us. like, was ms. taylor my chaperone? and if so, was it important that i get her because she’s the most easy going and wouldn’t mind if bruce patman and i didn’t leave any room for the holy spirit?

of course, we all know that collecting cards isn’t the TRUE goal of the game. because this is sweet valley, and the only thing that matters here is proving yr superiority by decimating everyone else’s self-esteem. or, in elizabeth’s case, MEDDLING IN OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS.

we didn’t even have to stage this photo, because this ACTUALLY HAPPENED during the game. I KNOW. thankfully, lila knew exactly how to handle elizabeth and her sanctimonious ways:

it’s a shame, really, that milton bradley doesn’t make this game anymore, because kids today could really benefit from the wisdom gained by traipsing around a high school just to find the perfect dress and OMG WHERE ARE THE PROM DECORATIONS. gah, thomas is so lucky that he has us! otherwise he’ll never understand how to properly steal someone’s boyfriend!

you’d think that finding all of this stuff would only require an hour or so. i mean, yeah, it’s prom, so IT’S A BIG DEAL OBVS, but everything’s already inside the school! for some reason! how long can it take?

THREE HOURS. THAT’S HOW LONG IT TAKES. WHAT IS THIS, THE HUNGER GAMES?!!! actually, by the end, we were totally pulling a cato, begging each other to just win already and FREE US FROM THIS MISERY.

lucky for you, i took all of the trauma and scandal we experienced and condensed it into LESS THAN SIX AND A HALF MINUTES. that should tell you something about the vacuousness of this game. and also the number of champ cans/effies we consumed.

and so, without further ado, i present: FYA vs SVH! PLAY ON PLAYERS!

obviously we’re big fans of the princess bride around here (who isn’t??). poshdeluxe even coined the phrase “pull a fred savage” to describe that look of disgust that crosses yr face when presented with something you hold in absolute contempt, like kissing books (except we’re actually big fans of kissing books, OBVS). but did you know the 1987 masterpiece was based on a book? i didn’t, until my 9th-grade english teacher mentioned how much she hated the book when passing out our suggested reading list (gasp! sacrilege! it’s always been wuv, twue wuv with this movie), and so of course i had to read the book. william goldman (not golding — this is no lord of the flies) wrote the book AND the screenplay, so no matter which work loses this cage match, it’ll be goldman for the win.

let’s meet the contestants:

the book, weighing in at 317 pages

the movie, weighing in at 98 minutes

basic plot of both:

do i really need to include this? fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles… basically, the best story ever. oh, and kissing (sorry, little fred).

round 1:

the book is framed as an “s. morgenstern’s classic tale of true love and high adventure (the ‘good parts’ version),” which goldman has edited to do away with all the boring description and detail, just as his father did when he read it to goldman the youngster (enter grandpa and little fred in the film). this is done with loads of voltaire-esque parenthetical asides in the first few chapters, something that’s funny in both candide and the princess bride for about the first 20 snarky comments, but gets old after awhile. luckily for goldman (not so much for voltaire), he cuts it out once the story gets going. so, +1 for the book. +1

but the movie has little fred savage! back when he was cute (ahem. true confession: my first crush was fred savage in “the wonder years”). and columbo as grandpa! and lines like, “when i was your age, television was called books.” i love the little cut-in scenes of grandpa reading at the beginning of the movie, and goldman wisely ditches these interruptions once the story gets going, so +1 for the scenes and an additional +1 for fred. +2

round 2:

the cast! oh, no matter how good yr imagination is, it’ll never come up with better images of the characters than andre the giant, mandy patinkin, robin wright and that short guy who plays vizzini. billy crystal as miracle max automatically counts for 2 extra points — have fun stormin’ the castle, film version! +3

but since the book has the characters, albeit minus the audiovisuals, i give it +1

round 3:

many of the book’s scenes are directly translated to the screen, dialogue and all. but there are a few minor changes that make a major difference, like changing sharks to shrieking eels. how much cooler are shrieking eels than sharks? answer: a BILLION TIMES cooler, no matter what you say, discovery channel shark week. also, the book’s zoo of death becomes the pit of despair. actually, that may be a point for the book, except for the whole “animal cruelty is one of my dealbreakers” thing. +1 movie, +1 book.

round 4:

length. the movie is only an hour and a half long, and the book is a whopping 317 pages (that’s including the 2 introductions, but not including the sneak of buttercup’s baby, a sequel to the princess bride). so if you only have a couple of hours, great — see the movie. but if you have time to read 300 pages, the book has room for lots of background on the characters, including the whole story of how the count killed inigo montoya’s father and how fezzik ended up unemployed, in greenland (also, there’s a lot more of fezzik’s rhyming game in the book). i really like the background info, so the book gets +1 here.

also an advantage of the printed medium is the infinite capacity for snarkery. unless you have constant voiceover in a film, which would cancel out any amusement from the snark due to the HIDEOUS ANNOYANCE from constant voiceover, you can’t do snark in a movie like you can in a book. so while all the dialogue is pretty much a verbatim transfer book to movie, the movie lacks all the snide comments by the omniscient narrator and things going on in the characters’ heads. so +2 book for snark, cos we love some snark around here.

round 5: the ending

hm. so the movie ends happily ever after, with buttercup floating down from the castle window a la mario after he defeats bowser and gets the wand in every level of super mario bros. 1 and riding off into the sunset with westley, while inigo becomes the dread pirate roberts. but the book is more ambiguous, although tres exciting — as the couple is riding off, promising each other to each outlive the other, inigo’s count-induced wounds reopen, westley relapses to mostly dead, fezzik gets lost (again) and humperdinck has escaped his bonds and is nowhere near ultimate pain. and i gotta say, maybe i’m feeling a little cranky, but i like the “life’s potentially not fair” realistic ending of the book better than the movie. +1 book

the verdict?

so what’s the verdict? i think, for the only time in my experience, it’s a tie. the movie obviously is very dear to me and i don’t have the heart to say anything’s better. and although i came to the book much later in life than the movie, and it’s colored by my near-perfect mental replay of the film every time i read it, the book is awesomely hilarious and much more sarcastic and snarktastic than the movie could ever hope to be. so to both the book AND movie (and therefore william goldman):

aaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss

yyooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

So after sitting with the story for a little while now, I’m realizing that Mockingjay left me with a different sort of TEABS. You could call it DE2ABSS for Disappointing End to A Beloved Series Syndrome. That’s not as catchy as TEABS, but hopefully it won’t need to be used as much, so it doesn’t need to be the kind of acronym that catches on. Although I do think more numerals need to be used in acronyms, just in general…

Anyway, after the jump there’ll be nothing but spoilers, so if you haven’t finished Mockingjay yet, you probably don’t want to keep reading. Unless you haven’t even started Mockingjay yet, in which case I’d say to you – don’t bother! Let the world of Panem and all of its beloved characters live on in your head untainted by this mess.

Sigh…

So first off, some history of me and The Hunger Games in general, because I realize I’m being a bit brazen by openly declaring the end of Katniss’s story a festival of suck, and tons of you will angrily disagree with me. That’s totally fine, and I realize I’m not necessarily the demographic for this book anyway (although there you could argue that none of us on FYA are *really* the demographic, but that’s getting ahead of ourselves).

At any rate, as a movie nerd first and foremost, I was predisposed to not really be into The Hunger Games. When PoshDeluxe first told me about this amazing book she was reading where a bunch of teenagers had to go into an arena and fight to the death I snarkily replied, “Oh, so some YA writer realized that most people in America still aren’t aware of Battle Royale and then decided to mix that in with Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery? Whoopity do!”

But she kept talking about it and raving, so I started to see that maybe there was something there. I’d blown off Harry Potter until she convinced me that the books were way better than the movies on their own, and I’m really glad I got into that as well as several other YA series that followed. So we agreed that if she’d watch the awesomely violent Battle Royale then I would also read The Hunger Games.

And it took me a couple dozen pages, but I quickly realized that I totally loved The Hunger Games, too. Suzanne Collins may have launched into her world from a series of incidents that I was familiar with, but she made it completely her own. And other than wondering about the technology that let them be filmed all the time throughout the games, I was completely hooked. The training! The careers! Cinna making me somehow care about futuristic female fashion! Rue! Poor, amazing Rue…

And the beginning of what would become the love triangle that consumed the books was so heartbreakingly real. Katniss realizing that Gale would be watching her as she pretended to love Peeta, not understanding that the longer she put on the act the more genuine her affection for him would become…  ouch.

When we would first get together and argue about whether we were Team Peeta or Team Gale it felt more like we were only talking about whether or not we thought Katniss should even bother with giving Peeta a real chance. Readers either loved Peeta’s passion and found his childhood crush on Katniss endearing or thought that unconditionally loving someone from afar didn’t really make sense and that anyone who acted that way in real life would totally be a stalker and bad in bed. I clearly sided with the latter camp, so I was Team Gale when we didn’t really know anything about Gale except that a) he was probably hurt by what Katniss had to do with Peeta to survive the Games and b) he was the best chance her family had for survival if she died (and that’s all I needed to know to realize that Gale was clearly a badass).

But yeah, that book was AWESOME.

Catching Fire wasn’t quite as strong for me, but I loved the way we got to see more of Panem, and once I got over the fact that the Quarter Quell felt kind of like a cheat by Collins as much as it was a dick move by President Snow, I was okay with that device and got sucked back into the arena. Plus learning about Haymitch’s history, seeing a bunch of victorious tributes get together, and getting to go back in with a little bit of an idea of what to expect from the damn game makers made it fun to be back in that world. Admittedly, I was a little peeved by the whole, “This has been a revolutionary plan all along and oh my god there’s randomly no District 12″ shock ending that felt like it came on too swiftly and a little too Shyamalanistic, but we knew there would be an entire book following that, and Collins had won my respect so completely from the death of Rue scenes, so I was ready to go for the ride.

And the first half of Mockingjay was a pretty great ride. I still find the destruction of District 12 a little bit over the top, but it gives us an excuse to get all of our protagonists inside the awesome flip side of dystopia that’s all underground and full of rigid rules. And seeing that as the alternative really did make me think about the world we live in and how it’s kind of impossible to get away from having different districts that are full of disenfranchised people. There are only so many resources, after all, and on Earth is America really all that different from the Capitol when we rely on third world slave labor to provide us with oil and Nikes and stuff? And maybe if President Snow is the embodiment of capitalistic greed, President Coin is a demonstration on how a Communistic attempt at getting people to share resources still falls apart because there’ll have to be someone at the top determining exactly how those resources are shared, and it would be impossible for that person to not become corrupt, and…

Then I’d slap myself and make fun of my brain for reading way too much into a book where a girl with awesome bow and arrow skills is having a hard time choosing between a baker and a hunter. But still, I enjoyed those thoughts, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Collins planted some of those ideas in there on purpose to help show that it’s not just that war is bad, it’s that fighting is part of the human condition and how we respond to that necessity is how we determine what our character is.

But I digress again. Because there we are, watching Katniss be manipulated and moved throughout this world, but we’re watching her come into her own for the first time, too. When Plutarch & Co. realize that they can’t get the soundbites they need by writing what they want her to say, they’re inadvertently helping her tap into that inner fire inside. In District 8 she breaks away and does what she needs to. In District 2 she risks her life to save a bunch of people who would have loved watching their career children slaughter her or Prim, and it’s awesome.

But then they send her in on a mission to get camera footage of her in a city (lame). Things go wrong (duh). Peeta is a walking time bomb because of the whole hijacking thing (not only lame but also robs even Team Peeta fans of the chance for Peeta and Katniss to really find their way to each other). Finnick dies, they hang out in the back of a fur shop, then the army is in the middle of the city anyway, meaning that the entire mission we’d just watched is pretty much pointless.

And before we even worry about the whole saving Prim was the only reason Katniss volunteered for the Games and started this shit storm but then Prim died anyway thing, what about the fact that it was sort of just a given that President Snow had a bunch of children hanging out in his front yard as some kind of deterrent. What the fuck is that?

Yes, the world is full of awful people who commit unthinkable crimes like using children as human shields (don’t click that link if you want to sleep ever again, cause you’ll realize you’re totally a Capitol citizen damn fast if you do). But why would anyone really assume President Snow just put them in his front yard? And if Coin did it as part of her master plan to make Katniss one last symbol of her new power, how did she do it? And why did she bother? Just for the one last Hunger Games? Because it wasn’t like Katniss was starting to think, “Hmm. Maybe I won’t choose Gale or Peeta and will just run away with President Snow instead!”  That whole mess comes out of nowhere, and then the kids thinking that the parachuted bombs would have food and prizes because they serve tributes that way during the Games was just another bit of WTF.

And yes, you can argue your way around it and say, “Well, Katniss and her gang were hanging out in tiger lady’s basement for a long time, so all sorts of things could happen above ground. It makes sense that Snow would do something and then and then Coin would do something and then something else would happen and the kids grew up watching the games so maybe at Christmas they have presents parachuted in to be cute and then that set up the thing with the bombs and everything.”

You can say that, and yes, it theoretically could have happened. But the fact that it could be possible doesn’t make it believable within the confines of the story, and that’s the problem with everything that happens after that fake mission into the city. As soon as they’re in the basement, the action is all off the page, which means that not only do we not get to see any of it, but none of it makes any sense. When we’re finally brought in to the “Let’s Have Another Hunger Games” vote, we don’t catch that Katniss is saying, “I vote yes – for Prim” merely as a way of stalling so she can kill Coin because we’re too busy going, “Wait, what the fuck is happening??”

And that’s lazy storytelling. Some of that, of course, is because we’re always trapped inside Katniss’s head, so we can’t know what’s going on everywhere else. But how awesome would the series have been if Collins had left that convention behind? What if The Hunger Games was from Katniss’s point of view, Catching Fire had completely shifted the action to Peeta’s POV, and then we experienced the events in Mockingjay from Gale’s perspective?? How much more powerful would the bombing and executing of Prim have been if we’d been able to see it coming but were unable to stop it, like Gale was? And then in the epilogue we could have pulled back to an omniscient viewpoint and been given the opportunity to check in on all of our favorite characters. Maybe without any inner monologue at all, because then there wouldn’t be this final sort of debate over whether or not Katniss ending up with Peeta was a good thing or a bad thing.

Of course, like I said in my other post, that Epilogue was great for me if only because it proved the point I’d been making since the first book: if she chooses Peeta, her life will suck. And to be clear to people that posted some stuff in the comments after my last post, I don’t at ALL think that having kids and being peaceful is automatically a sucky life. Hanging out with someone you love, producing more people that you love, and watching them grow up to become full fledged human beings in a world where you don’t have to send them off to a lottery every year just to get your allotment of grain sounds like it could be a beautiful thing. But even though there is a line about how holding the first baby alleviated some of Katniss’s fear, she still felt terror all over again when she got pregnant again, and because Collins has us trapped inside Katniss’s 37 year old mind even at the end we can see that she doesn’t think, “Wow, I used to not want children because I grew up in a horrible world. But then Peeta made me realize that thanks to all of the horrors and sacrifices that we went through, the world today is a better place. It isn’t perfect by any means, but it’s the kind of place where I could imagine starting a new life, of seeing into the future, of the possibilities of it all” and on and on. But she doesn’t. She says that it took fifteen years to agree to children, but Peeta wanted them so badly.

And she doesn’t look to the future or find hope. She dwells on the past, talking about the graveyard her nameless children play on, about the “tedious” task of making a list of every act of goodness she’s seen someone do. That’s a horrible existence, and it doesn’t ring true to the Katniss that we grew to love in the first book. Yes, she’s reactionary, but therein lies her strength, and her fire, and her only moments of actual joy. But in choosing to spend her life with a dandelion, she chose a life of sitting on a hillside in a meadow without ever leaving to go off with a hunting partner.

And here again, yes you can argue, “But that’s how it would really happen! War is bad and stuff!” And yes, war is bad. And yes, it *could* happen this way. But that doesn’t excuse that in a fictional world we should see things happen, and that those things should happen for an actual reason that is propelled by the interactions of believable characters and a plot that moves us from scene to scene. Instead, we only get Katniss kind of whining.

And she always did that in her head, and I think we all do that internally from time to time, and that was one of the things that connected us as readers to her plight in the first book and her painful realization that she was going to have to choose between suitors in the second. But ultimately she always proved that she was a person of action no matter what she thought in her head. And the second half of Mockingjay robbed us of that Katniss, and that’s nothing but disappointing.

Of course, if the epilogue hadn’t been in there, and there’d been a fourth book where Gale had to come back to District 12 as part of his Important and Awesome Work… Hmm. And THEN Katniss could see Gale on one of his visits and start to want to come back out and make the world a better place, especially because she has kids now and that fire inside her wouldn’t make her just worry about explaining nightmares. And there’d be some of that old tension, and she’s wonder if maybe she should have picked Gale after all, but then we’d meet Gale’s wife and she would be AWESOME and SUPER HOT and Katniss would realize that she no longer even had a chance.

Not only that, but we’d get to hear from Gale and how the whole disappointing ending of Mockingjay thing where Katniss didn’t actually choose at all but rather just ended up with Peeta because he was the only dude her age in her district. And Gale would explain that yeah, he used to love Katniss. But when he realized that she’d always think he’d directly killed her sister just because he had a good understanding of human behavior he realized that he was actually over her. She’d put him through the ringer, and for what? Because she kinda liked this dough boy, too? He didn’t need that shizz in his life anymore, so he did the only sensible thing any of us can do when we realize we’re in a love triangle – he took himself out of it and reminded himself that there are plenty of other awesome people in the world. Then he went and found one that understood how awesome he was and they also made babies together, but they did it with way more orgasms than Katniss and Peeta.

But still, Gale’s fire would reignite hers, and then she would light up again, and she would inspire Peeta, and he would use his power of knowing the right thing to say in every situation to rise to a status where he was improving Panem for everyone. Not as President, necessarily, but at least as a leader in a badass non-profit that was working to improve the life of miners in every district, or just as a mobile food bank operator.

Of course, he’d still be working directly under Gale’s supervision. And maybe he’d start to have a crush on Gale’s wife, too, because he realized that the girl he fell in love with was literally 7 when he decided to love her, and she changed so much as they grew together and then somewhere in the pandemonium he felt like he was losing her again, which made him cling on to her ever tighter, so then she thought she’d better go off on her own for a few months and try to rediscover herself, only to discover, to her horror, that she’d somehow become just as crappy at caring for her offspring as her own mother was because she totally abandoned her children to that milk toast baker.

And that, too, would be how things really happen in real life. It would give everyone their bittersweet ending that they needed because war is bad and they think that that’s what this series is about (even though it’s totally not). But it would be a bittersweet ending with some punch, with some fire, with some real hope of a continued existence.

Is it still bad fan fiction if the writing is actually better than the original story?

Also, dear Scholastic – I’m totally available to serve as editor for your next big crossover series. Or to help Suzanne do a rewrite before the paperback comes out.

BOOK REPORT for you wish by mandy hubbard

bff charm: yay
swoonworthy scale: 2
talky talk: basic black with hot accessories
bonus factor: toy story
anti-bonus factor: motocross
relationship status: just friends

the deal:

kayla’s 16th birthday really sucks. her dad’s been gone for years and her mom is a workaholic party planner who uses her birthday as an advertising opportunity, crafting the most heinous sweet sixteenth party that looks like someone at MTV vomited pepto bismol all over the place AND invited the school’s queen mean girl and her mother. so when kayla has to make her wish, she wishes for her birthday wishes to actually come true for once. major oops — because they do. from a real-life my little pony to being stalked by ken in his dream car, she has to face a new wish coming true every day. to make matters worse, her bff is being a major weirdo, blowing her off to hang with her boyfriend — who also happens to be kayla’s biggest crush, ben. and her 15th-birthday wish? that ben would kiss her. oops.

bff charm: yay

i’d totally sit with kayla in the bleachers during pep rallies and bleat at the sheep-like popular kids, and i LOVE her idea of showing up at homecoming dressed in halloween costumes! so when bff nicole starts ditching her and dressing like a plastic and even sitting with them in the caf (!! quelle horror!), i felt for her. i’d've stepped up to be her new bff and i’d even help her get rid of the lifetime’s supply of gumballs. also, i’d LOVE to hang out with her come-to-life raggedy ann doll cos that chick is hilarious.

swoonworthy scale: 2

ok, so here i’m being totally unfair because the swooniness is pretty cute but I COULD NEVER, EVER CRUSH ON BEN BECAUSE HE’S A BMX-ER AND GELS HIS HAIR. you guys, this is like dealbreaker number 1. he’d be totally adorable if he didn’t do motocross. he tells cheesy jokes and he’s sweet and totally understands kayla’s anti-school-spirit snarkalicious attitude. but Y’ALL. motocross. gelled spiky hair. he probably smells like axe body spray and i JUST.CAN’T.DO.IT. cos if i can’t crush on a guy along with the main character, there’s no swooning for me.

talky talk: basic black with hot accessories

blame my marathon shopping day yesterday for this talky talk description. hubbard has a simple, straightforward style punctuated by hilarious one-liners and lotsa sass from kayla. i loved the talky talk, except for those like 8 pages of motocross talk that i skimmed. that’s like accessorizing with 3 scrunchies and a banana clip in a non-ironic-hipster way.

bonus factor: toy story

i loved how kayla’s childhood wishes involved my little pony, ken of barbie-and-ken fame and raggedy ann. hubbard’s personification of a real-life ken was funny but extremely scary — i think i’d flip if i was walking to the library being stalked by a ken doll in a yellow convertible.

anti-bonus factor: motocross

can i have an anti-bonus factor? well, i’m writing this, so i say yes. and that anti-bonus factor is MOTOCROSS. good LORD i have no interest in dirt bikes and the only bmx-er i knew growing up was a total weirdo who was arrested for arson in high school. i love a good skater boy (especially a mysterious mallrat one), but dayum — bmx is just too much for me. and to have one of the swooniest scenes in the book take place at the dirt bike track at night was simply a tragedy.

casting call:
unfortch, ben sounded kind of douchy looking. like this:

matt czuchry as ben

i think jena malone would be great as kayla, especially with the mohawk (even though kayla didn’t have a mohawk).

jena malone as kayla

relationship status: just friends

you wish, we had a nice first date. i even gave you another shot and went on a second dinner-and-a-movie date with you, but there just weren’t major sparks. you’re funny and pretty cute, but you have a few quirks that are fine in a friend, i just wouldn’t be able to get past them to turn this into a serious relationship. i hope you are ok with being friends, cos i do like you a lot. just not in that way.

FTC Full Disclosure: My review copy was a free ARC I received from Penguin.  I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). You Wish is available now.

It’s Monday, and after a full week devoted to Mockingjay, it’s time to *try* to move forward. And what’s the #1 best way to treat TEABS? KEEP READING MORE AWESOME BOOKS!!!! (and drinking cocktails, but that’s a given)

If you saw my review of Natalie Standiford’s Confessions of the Sullivan Sisters, you’ll know that I’ve already given my BFF charm to this book AND all of its characters!  With its release this Wednesday, you’ll all soon be handing out charms of your very own to Norrie, Jane and Sassy, but today, we have Natalie Standiford herself here, answering all of our hard-hitting questions!

Ms. Standiford took time out of her incredibly busy schedule to talk to us, and I’m sure that after reading this, you’ll all (like us) be planning slumber parties, just so you can invite her!

ACTUAL BOOK RELATED QUESTIONS:

If this is not the loveliest author picture (and author) you've ever seen, then Peeta doesn't bake.

THE YA QUESTIONS

If your real life adolescence was a YA book…What would you, the main character, be like?

She would be the nice quiet girl everyone thinks is very conventional and proper who turns out actually to be kind of wild and even a little odd. Like Carey Mulligan’s character in AN EDUCATION. Or Natalie Sterling in Siobhan Vivian’s NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL, but without the political ambitions. (Siobhan, how did you know?)

Who is your secret crush?

The smart boy who is too shy to ask me out.

What is your number #1 source of angst?

My life is so safe and dull! Everyone I know is so freaking nice! I want to go out into the world and LIVE, dammit!

At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory?

When I finally move to New York and land my first job in publishing, skipping up Third Avenue singing Elvis Costello’s “Every Day I Write the Book” and not caring who hears me.

And who would play you in the film adaptation?

People have said I look like Karen Black (yikes: Horror Queen) and Patricia Arquette. I think it’s the close-together eyes. Anyway, you mentioned that Carey Mulligan would be good playing Norrie and that’s a brilliant idea, so I’m going to steal it and make her play Young Natalie Standiford too.

OMG! The sass! You are DEFINITELY coming to our slumber party!!!!

THE SLUMBER PARTY Qs:

What is your secret power?

I can name all 50 states and all 44 U.S. Presidents in alphabetical order (it’s my insomnia cure). I’m also good at spotting celebrities in the wild.

What is your #1 favorite food?

Blue crabs: jumbo lump backfin with nothing but a little Old Bay spice.

Sweet jesus, lady, you have good taste!

Tell me about your area of expertise.

I know more than a person should about Soviet gymnasts from the 1970s. Ludmilla Turishcheva forever!
Also, I’m no expert but I play bass in a rock band.

Awesome! Actually, readers, get this: Natalie is not only in a rock band, but it’s a rock band made up of YA authors!  And it’s called Tiger Beat!!!!!

If you could assemble your own Ocean’s 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick?

Frankie Landau-Banks from THE DISREPUTABLE HISTORY OF FRANKIE LANDAU-BANKS as the Idea Girl
Margot Roth Spiegelman from PAPER TOWNS as the Detail Girl
Francie from THE BLONDE OF THE JOKE as the Inside Girl
Gonzo from GOING BOVINE: explosives
Holly Golightly from BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: getaway
Tiny Cooper from WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON: bankroll
Enid from GHOST WORLD: surveillance
Jay Gatsby from THE GREAT GATSBY: high roller
The Zhang Ziyi character from CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON as the Chinese acrobat (this is perhaps a bit literal-minded, but she was amazing)
Bart Simpson as the Rookie pickpocket

Is that 11 yet? If not, throw in Cassandra from I CAPTURE THE CASTLE just because I love her.
This is a pretty literary gang and we’d probably get caught…but think how much fun we could have together in jail.

Wow. You have officially come up with the BEST. TEAM. EVER.

What is your best karaoke song?

“Sugar Town” by Nancy Sinatra. (I sang it before (500) Days of Summer came out–Zooey Deschanel stole it from me.) Unfortunately, a lot of karaoke places don’t have it, so I’m forced to default to “Dream On” by Aerosmith, which is way harder.

Tell me something scandalous!

Not sure if this is scandalous, exactly, but when I was 19 and home from college for the summer my parents and I fought constantly about whether my curfew should be 4 AM or 4:30 AM.

What is your favorite adult beverage?

Red wine

What book have you read the most number of times?

I’ve never counted, but these are all up there: FRANNY AND ZOOEY by J.D. Salinger, the story “The Dead” from DUBLINERS by James Joyce, STUART LITTLE by E.B. White, and LITTLE BEAR by Else Holmelund Minarik.

Who is your “freebie”?

This question is very embarrassing. I’m going to go with Young Bob Dylan.

YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

Libba Bray. First, she’s so amazing and multi-talented you just want to be around her and hope some of it rubs off. Second, she’s my band sister and band sisters are forever (Tiger Beat!). And third, I want to get into her cow suit.

Out of all of the characters you’ve written, which one do you most wish you could be?

Norrie Sullivan. She finds true love, even though it’s inconvenient. And I think she has a kind of natural glamour.

If you were invited to the FYA slumber party (and obvs, you ARE), what pajamas would you wear, and what is the most crucial snack food and/or movie you’d bring?

I’d wear blue Chinese silk pajamas and I’d bring ANNIE HALL to watch, because it’s got everything: humor, romance, heartache, and making fun of L.A. My snack would be spearmint leaves (the candy, not the actual leaves).

And now it’s time for the life-changing game of MASH! Give us three choices for each category, we’ll pick one each for the ‘bad’ choices, pick a random number, and predict your future!

Mansion
Apartment
Shack
House

Spouse:
John Krasinski
Robert Downey, Jr.
Mikhail Baryshnikov
Randy Quaid

Honeymoon:
Barcelona
Zanzibar
California coast
Arkadelphia

# of Kids:
0
1
3
7

Job:
writer
movie star
astronaut
rodeo clown

Income:
millions
billions
good karma
35k

Hometown:
NYC
Paris
San Francisco
Jersey Shore

Pet:
cat
dog
leopard
sea horse

Car:
Mini-Cooper
Old Volvo from the 60s
Mercedes sedan
Hummer

Um, wow!  This game really worked out for you!  Say hi to John for us!

And since Natalie didn’t have this pic ready for our prom post, she included this bonus for us!

If we hadn't made it official before now, we LOVE you!

Thanks so much for hanging out at the lockers with us, Natalie!  Be sure to get your copy of Confessions of the Sullivan Sisters this Wednesday!

now that you’ve finished mockingjay, do you find yrself experiencing any of the following symptoms?

• spontaneous fits of uncontrollable sobbing
• hours spent staring blankly at a wall
• an inability to converse about topics unrelated to hunger games
• an extreme aversion to white roses
• constantly referring to yr pet as “buttercup”

if you meet any of these criteria, it is extremely possible that you have developed a serious case of The End of an Awesome Book Syndrome, also known as TEABS. and while this disease has the potential to cause massive amounts of damage to yr heart, brain and what scientists like to call “human spirit,” it is definitely treatable, if not curable. as TEABS survivors, we’re here to tell you that it IS possible to overcome this tragic disease, which is why we’ve put together this guide of healthy tips and steps you can take to beat this sickness and reclaim yr life! so take charge of yr recovery and read on!

CONGRATULATIONS! by clicking on this blog post, you just took yr first step towards TEABS recovery. pat yrself on the back, and remember: no matter how painful this road becomes, you will never be as effed up as katniss everdeen. PERSPECTIVE Y’ALL.

since TEABS affects everyone differently, we urge you to choose the tips that work best for you. feel free to tailor your therapy to directly address your severest symptoms, and if you think this means i’m giving you a free pass to drink excessively, you are obvs v. familiar with this site and YES.

CUE INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC THAT WILL IN NO WAY REMIND YOU OF THE HANGING TREE.

There Are Other Books Out There

step 1: allow yrself to acknowledge that, in time, you will be able to love other books again. while nothing can replace hunger games, you have plenty of room in yr YA-lovin’ heart for more favorites.

step 2: look in the mirror and tell yourself: “i am an awesome reader! and lots of books will appreciate being read by me!”

step 3: wean yrself off HG carefully by choosing a highly rated book with a similar theme or character. for example, if you’re still craving dystopia, give the knife of never letting go or the enemy a try. if you need to connect with another lovable asshole of a heroine, go no further than the jessica darling series. and, as always, you can find plenty of new fish in the sea via our site! in fact, consider us the eharmony of YA readership.

step 4: if all else fails, reach out to the books you know best, the ones that have never let you down. sure, re-reading the entire harry potter series may bring on a whole new bout of TEABS, but at least yr conversational repertoire will expand to more than just peeta vs. gale.

It Takes a Village

step 1: log onto FYA and read the zillion comments generated by our mockingjay posts. YOU’RE NOT ALONE!!! feel free to contribute yr own two cents to the conversation because YOU MATTER.

step 2: proceed to the caf and settle down at the local FYA v. important business meetings table. there you will have the opportunity to find other people who live in your same town (or state) so that you can actually meet up!

step 3: attend a local FYA v. important business meeting and pour yr heart out about every single detail in mockingjay to a REAL LIVE PERSON! who has also read mockingjay! and therefore UNDERSTANDS!

step 4: after drying yr collective bloodshot eyes, form a group hug and then buy each other shots of tequila and spend the rest of the night slurring to each other, “i luf you somuch. i would take yr plash inthe hungrames in a HEARBEAT!”

YAngelism

step 1: harness yr TEABS angst and transform it into raw energy. we recommend meditation, red bull or plain old fashioned hard drinking.

step 2: target a friend or loved one who has not yet read the hunger games.

step 3: unleash yr energy upon him/her in the form of incessant references to HG until he/she finally breaks down and reads it.

step 4: realize that you’re actually spreading TEABS instead of curing it, but hey, misery loves company!

Candy Is Dandy But Liquor Is Quicker

who am i kidding, this isn’t yr last resort. this is probably YR FIRST RESORT. and for good reason, because ALCOHOL WORKS. sure, it may send you straight into a tragic, cardboard housed existence on the streets (lifetime told me so), not to mention the potential for liver damage, but for now, nothing matters except NUMBING THE PAIN OF TEABS OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE FINNICK IS DEAD SOMEONE STAB ME IN THE BRAIN WITH A TRIDENT AND MAKE IT STOP.

step 1: mix up yr fave HG cocktail and keep it in a flask for easy access.

step 2: drink every time you:

• say the word “mockingjay” (look, you want this therapy to be effective, right?)
• ask a coworker if they’ve read the hunger games
• google mockingjay, katniss, gale, peeta or “fourth hunger games book”
• post a comment on a blog about mockingjay

step 3: take a shot every time you:

• compare the real world to panem
• blame yr problems on president snow
• consider signing up for archery lessons
• purchase a piece of HG merchandise

step 4: chug every time you:

• write a blog post about mockingjay
• contemplate writing HG fan fiction
• act like a dick and then tell people it’s because you were “hijacked”
• dream about naming yr future child after an HG character

step 5: write a drunken email to FYA to thank us for SAVING YR LIFE. you may, if you so desire, also compare us to katniss, and we will not consider that a TEABS relapse.

and now, to borrow a page out of the It Takes a Village section, we invite you, dear readers, to share yr own struggles in the comments. have you found a way to cope? if so, please offer up yr own TEABS survival advice and encouragement to yr fellow sufferers.

because together, WE WILL SURVIVE.

(even if our livers don’t. but hey, if katniss can survive without a spleen, surely we… OH DAMMIT TO HELL)

let me start by saying that there are NO spoilers in this post. so if you’re like me, and you haven’t been able to finish mockingjay because for some reason you’re expected to actually WORK at yr job (i mean, what?!), fear not. this post will focus solely on the INCREDIBLY AMAZING EXTRAVAGANZA known as the FYA Mockingjay Midnight Release TaleGate Party! some of us may also know it by the name of The Night I Got Bruised By a Nerf Battle Axe And Drank Too Many Effies.

cos when it comes to parties, the citizens of the capitol ain’t got NADA on FYA. sure, they have those bulimia pills and that tasty lamb & plum stew, but do they have CHAMP CANS? DIY T-SHIRTS? CUPCAKES DECORATED LIKE EACH DISTRICT? and, most importantly, do they have the awesome readers of FYA who totally know how to BRING ON THE FIESTA? i don’t think so! plus, no one actually died in our hunger games, which is honestly all the proof you need to realize that we are the superior hosts.

before the official party began, meghan and i met up at jenny’s place for dinner. this was a momentous occasion because 1) well, dinner! duh! 2) meghan and jenny had never met! plus jenny & i got to introduce ourselves to the youngest member in the FYA family, thomas! or as we like to call him, mr. t, because HE PITIES THE FOOL THAT IS NOT AS CUTE AS HE IS.

jenny and i were instantly smitten by his preciousness, and i have the feeling that all of us would volunteer to take his place in the hunger games if need be (although i’m pretty sure he could slay all tributes just by being adorable).

around 9 PM, we headed over to the parking lot of bookpeople to GET OUR TALEGATE ON! so you know how people tailgate because they’re excited about a game and want to support their team? well, we talegate because we’re SPAZZING ABOUT A BOOK AND WANT TO BUY IT IMMEDIATELY! and also because we exploit any opportunity to enjoy cocktails.

now, if you’ve ever tailgated before, you know there’s a few rules that MUST be followed (and i’m not talking the police kind). so when it comes to talegating, we take those higher laws of public intoxication and run with them transform them with a whimsical layer of literary references!

Rule #1: Talegates must have appropriate signage, i.e. posters that resemble student council campaign posters:

that’s my friend talena, whom i’ve known since 6th grade. she loaned me my first l.j. smith book, and for that, i owe her a great debt.

Rule #2: One should never, ever, EVER run out of adult beverages.

as you can see, we went with a mix of classy and cheapass. which is basically, uh, what we are.

Rule #3: Invite fans of the book who aren’t afraid to express their inner YA (or in this case, their inner hunger games).

that’s right, anna marie and lee CAME IN COSTUME! ALL THE WAY FROM HOUSTON! what the WHAT!!!!! not only were they v. believable inhabitants of district 12, but they also played extremely convincing dead tributes in the arena. it should come as no surprise to you that these ladies are ABSO CHARMING, and you should totes check out their account of our party.

speaking of good company, LOOK IT’S ALL FOUR OF THE FYAERS IN ONE PLACE!!!! y’all that has NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF TIME!!! factor in our excitement for mockingjay, plus the extremely strong effies in those red plastic cups, and you can imagine JUST HOW SPAZZTASTIC WE WERE. INTENSITY IN TEN CITIES.

Rule #4: Bring your (hunger) game face.

i asked lauren and mary claire to give me their best katniss and this is what happened. dude, even president snow would not mess with that fierceness!

Rule #5: Indulge in tasty business, because you need to keep yr energy up if you’re going to make it to midnight (not to mention survive in the arena).

in a tribute (HAR) to peeta, erin baked some DELISH cupcakes and provided icing and sprinkles so that people could decorate them like different districts in panem before totally devouring them (hey! just like the capitol!). i believe trish is displaying district 4, while hur-shiu is presenting a bloody battle scene from the arena. violence has never looked so appetizing.

Rule #6: Show support for your book/team (peeta!) by wearing the appropriate wardrobe.

for mockingjay, we took it a step further and provided stencils and paint so people could pull a cinna and design their own! thanks to the ever crafty meghan and her DIY screenprinting skills, folks could choose from a variety of messages (“i like boys who bake”) and images to represent their inner revolutionary. check out reeves, aka REBEL GIRL:

we also offered the classic mockingjay (modeled by erica) because people need to know which side you’re on! although with katniss’ observation skills, erica may need to tattoo one on her forehead.

the screenprinting got a little messy, but that’s ok, because it’s really fun to pretend like red paint is blood. at least, if you’re eight-years-old like i am.

but all of this awesomeness pales in comparison (ok, except #2) to the seventh and final rule:

Rule #7: Engage in a highly ridiculous activity that somehow relates to the book. In other words: WE HAD OUR OWN HUNGER GAMES BISHES!!!!!!

since we did, in fact, want to avoid actual death, we went with nerf, although those foam bullets can still inflict some damage if you’re intoxicated strong enough. henri is modeling the katniss weapon of choice, and we also had guns, swords and battle axes!

one of our guests, sadie, totally careered it up and brought HER OWN BOW & ARROW. HOLLA!

unlike katniss and peeta, our tributes came PREPARED. not only to party, but to KICK SOME MAJOR ASS.

as you can see, this talegate had more attitude than a beyonce video.

you know how tyra teaches us to “smize”? well, lucy and lily were basically KILLIZING.

don’t even get me started on trish’s bloodlust. that’s some cato shizz right there.

ok, enough stalling! let’s GET TO THE GAMES, which will begin at the cornucopia:

per tradition, tributes must take what they need to survive: weapons… OR CHAMP CANS?!! i’m sure you can guess what i ran for.

warning: the following videos depict massive nerf carnage and the innocent faux death of many tributes. HAPPY HUNGER GAMES! and may the odds be ever in your favor!

after five vicious rounds, we followed in the steps of the capitol and invited forced the five victors to compete in THE QUARTER QUELL! i played like caesar flickerman and asked the tributes to introduce themselves:

and now, ladies and gentlemen, THE FYA QUARTER QUELL! HOLY SHIZZ! WATCH OUT FOR THE MONKEYS!

there you have it, THE CHAMPION OF THE 2010 FYA HUNGER GAMES!!! the good news is that he didn’t have to kill anyone to achieve this honor. the bad news is, we don’t have a victor’s village for him to move into, unless you count my crappy one bedroom apartment with plumbing problems.

the quell ended right at the stroke of midnight, launching a mad rush towards bookpeople, the likes of which would’ve overwhelmed even the most ardent bieber fan cos OMGGGG IT’S MOCKINGJAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

i don’t think i’ve squealed this much since the NKOTB concert in ’89. and i don’t think i’ve known such YA bliss, such unhinged happiness, such champagne-fueled “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING I LOVE YOU GUYS!” as this moment, right here:

i can’t even handle the amount of win in that picture. nor can i recall why we thought it was a good idea to make effies without proper measuring tools.

to everyone who came to our talegate, THANK YOU!!!! it was such a blast to actually hang out in *real life*, and we’ll definitely do it again soon. to those of you who held yr own celebrations, tell us about ‘em in the comments (and remember, NO BOOK SPOILERS!)! and to suzanne collins, thank you for giving us a reason to throw a party that was OTC TO THE MAX!

and finally, to president snow, YEAH YOU WEREN’T INVITED TO THE PARTY SO SUCK MY PANTS LOSER.

I think I have sympathy PTSD now.  Anyone else?  Is TEABS a treatable condition according to the American Medical Association?

Full spoilers for Mockingjay after the cut.  No apologies to Henri included.

OH MAN.  Okay, I’m still trying to process – I finished up the last few chapters at around 3 this morning when I woke up and realized I just couldn’t wait anymore.  So maybe it was the atmosphere – sneaking the book in the early morning hours, slumped down on the floor of my bathroom so as not to wake up my boyfriend with the light and also the choking sobs.

Let’s start with the death count:

Boggs:  NOOOOOOOOO!  BOGGS ILU!!

Finnick: I am actively pretending this did not happen.  In my version, Finnick made it out alive, he and Annie are very happy together, and occassionally he still disrobes in public.  NOTHING WILL CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

Prim:  WHAT?  WHY?  WHAT?  NO!  It feels like such a cheap death – a way of making us hate Gale (although he had no idea that his idea would be used that way; it’s not his fault), a way of realizing that District 13 sucks, which I think we’d ALREADY FIGURED OUT.  Oh, Prim.

President Coin: HA!  Yes!  FUCKING SERVES YOU RIGHT!

President Snow: Most anti-climactic death of all times.  Which I actually liked, because anything was going to be anticlimactic for that bastard.  I love that he ended up just choking on his own blood.

Now, can we talk for a second about the next Hunger Games?  WHAT?  WHAT?  I’m sorry, I don’t think Kanye Caps are accurately expressing my horror.  WHAT. WERE. THEY. THINKING.

As for the ending, well.  I mean, we all know my stance on Peeta, and he may be the only character who I wasn’t disappointed* in by the end.  But I kind of love that . . . well, no one got a happy ending.  They got an ending.  An ending carved out of what remained; an ending of shattered pieces and broken morals to be patched up, somewhat, but never quite the same, never quite as whole.  I don’t think it could have ended anyway but that it did, and that makes me happy.

* except about the kid thing.  Stop asking Katniss to have babies with you, Peeta!

There’s so much more I want to WTF about: Effie being alive (Cinna being dead – SHUT UP, BRIAN); Gale working in District 2, Katniss’s mom ditching her now that Prim’s dead, Katniss and Haymitch voting yes for the Hunger Games, whether the Hunger Games happened once Katniss killed Coin, the fact that Madge wasn’t secretly alive in the woods somewhere, and Buttercup coming all the way back to District 12.  Man, forget A Bird Called Olive.  I want the next release of these books feature Buttercup on the cover.

The epilogue:

PLEASE JUST STOP WITH EPILOGUES.  Has an epilogue ever, ever been a good idea?  AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS INCLUDE BABIES?  There is no reason to make babies part of a happily-ever-after ending.  EVER.  I mean, I like babies.  Babies are cool.  But when a character has undergone years of murder, mayhem, rebellion, assasination attempts and head injuries, WHY DOES THAT CHARACTER NEED TO HAVE BABIES?  I didn’t want Harry Potter to have babies; I didn’t want Katniss to have them.  Not everyone needs to have a kid to be happy, YA writers!  I promise you this!

Also, how sucky for Annie.  How sucky for Annie and Finnick’s kid.  Dad’s dead and Mommy’s a basket case, kiddo.  Hopefully Aunt Johanna can show up and show you how to be awesome and crazy in a mostly functional way.

I still need time to process this crazy ride I’ve just been on.  I can tell you that, epilogue aside, I really loved it.  Maybe I should just remove epilogues from all of my YA book series!  It might help!

Regardless of your feelings about Katniss, Peeta, Gale, the rebels, the Capit0l, I have one question for you all:

This book fucking wrecked you.  Real or not real?