REPORT CARD for THE KNIFE OF NEVER LETTING GO by patrick ness

bff charm: yay
swoonworthy scale: 2
talky talk: aw shucks!
bonus factors: loyal pet, dystopia
relationship status: going steady

based on the v. high recommendation of jill, one of our lovely commenters (heeeeey girl!), i decided to give this book a shot, and WOW. i feel like that kid seeing a lobster for the first time cos WHOAH! WOW! WHOAH! i didn’t know anything about this novel except that it was dystopian, and my ignorance made the story that much more exciting. since i want y’all to have the same nail-biting experience, i will strictly abide by our minimal spoiler policy, which means this report will be sparser than usual. just don’t let my lack of detail dissuade you from picking up this literary piece of crazytown, cos it is totes B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

the deal:

todd hewitt is the last boy in prentisstown. all of the other males have reached the age at which manhood is bestowed, and all of the women died when todd was a baby. and as if that wasn’t cray cray enough, everyone’s thoughts are now… audible. um hello NIGHTMARE MUCH? not only does it suck to have everyone hear your secrets, it’s also a total mind f*ck because the sounds never stop. there is no such thing as silence, because even when people are asleep, their dreams are broadcast at full volume. um, i’m assuming the women died from MORTIFICATION?!! to escape this horrible cacophony known as The Noise, todd spends much of his time in the nearby forest swampland, formerly the home of the spackle, an alien race rendered extinct by territory wars with the humans. even without other guys around, the Noise persists, because GUESS WHAT. you can hear animals too! what WHAT!!!!! i know todd would disagree, but i think that is TOTALLY AWESOME, esp. if you’ve seen “up.” SQUIRREL!

as the story begins, todd is cursing his adolescence and killing time with his dog, manchee, who will not shut up about having to poop (LUV U MANCHEE). little does todd know that things are about to get completely and utterly UNSANE!!!!!!

bff charm: yay

it took me a while to warm up to todd, until i remembered that he’s a twelve-year-old boy. then i was like, “ooooh! now yr immaturity and extremely impulsive behavior makes sense! dang, i bet you kinda smell weird, too.” but, like any good hero, todd’s character improves tremendously as he faces a series of totally terrifying challenges that made me alternate between pumping my fist and closing the book so i could remind myself that my own life was not, in fact, at risk. because lord have MERCY patrick ness is cruel. we’re talking suzanne-collins-level, i.e. HARDCORE BRUTAL to his characters, and also to readers who tend to have problems separating reality from YA fiction. ahem. by the end, not only did i want to give todd a bff charm, i wanted to be, like, blood brothers with him (ok, not literally… well, you’ll see) cos he *yearns* to do what’s right, and it’s that motivation that makes him brave, which, in my opinion, is the best kind of courage.

swoonworthy scale: 2

y’all, this is a straight up adventure book. and that’s all i can say at this time (i’m starting to feel like an FBI agent or something. it’s kinda awesome, esp. cos I LOVE KEEPING SECRETS. SHHHH!!!).

talky talk: aw shucks!

i’ll admit, the narration in this book takes a little getting used to. todd’s dialect is pretty hick-ish, since he grew up on a farm and most of the book learnin’ stopped after all of the women folk died. fortunately, the story grabbed me so quickly that i couldn’t really focus on anything else besides OMG WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. patrick ness really keeps the action coming, in that “oh you think things are bad now? well… WHAT ABOUT THIS, SUCKAAAA?” kinda way. in other words, he gets all up in yr grill. fortunately, the speed of the plot doesn’t sacrifice the authenticity of todd’s inner struggles, and his voice rings clear and true, no matter how fast you turn the pages (and i turned ‘em pretty fast, y’all. we’re talking, animated flip book style).

bonus factor: loyal pet

honestly, i can’t believe this factor hasn’t come up before, esp. considering how many dystopia YA novels are coming out. then again, it’s not like the tributes would want to bring their favorite little puppy into the hunger games arena. anyhoo, todd’s dog manchee is MY FAVORITE THING IN THIS ENTIRE BOOK. he follows in the grand tradition of Loyal Pets (see: boomer in “independence day” and oy in “the dark tower” series) who stand by their owners no matter what because THEY LOVE THEM OMG!!!! manchee has the added bonus of actually being able to talk, which is nice cos lassie was great and all, but seriously, who can understand all of that frenzied barking?

bonus factor: dystopia

the environment in this book is definitely dystopian, but it’s also completely different than what you would expect. ness has created a world that, for me, is a refreshing change from yr typical the-government-is-evil, big brother blah blah blah. basically, this book is a whole new ball game, and i’m totally buying one of those big foam hands cos i am officially a superfan.

casting call:

unfortunately, i only get to cast one person due to the non-spoilery nature of this review (which sucks cos i am DYING TO CAST… some other people). but todd *is* the main character, and i’m pretty excited about my choice, even though he’s a tad too old at this point:

jesse plemons as todd

as landry on “friday night lights” (BEST SHOW EVER), jesse plemons is the perfect balance of humble and awkward, and i think he’s got the acting chops to handle all of the Major Shizz that todd experiences.

relationship status: going steady

this book and i are not just messing around– we are FOR SERIOUS. in fact, things are pretty intense between us, and i think i’m ready to take our relationship to the Next Level. i’m talking, of course, about reading the sequel, “the ask and the answer,” which is WAITING FOR ME AT THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW. GAH!!! i cannot stop thinking about it, to the point where i think i’m gonna cut class (gasp!) just so we can hang out *immediately*. everyone knows i’m a total goody goody, but when it comes to this book, RULES BE DAMNED. plus, if a teacher tries to catch me in the halls, i’ll just employ one of the numerous escape strategies i learned from my awesomely renegade boyfriend.

In case the squeals of a billion twihards haven’t yet reached your ears, the trailer for the next installment of the Twilight series, Eclipse, was posted on the internet superhighway today:

When I first wrote this post, however, I was going off the ten second preview of the trailer, which is pretty ridiculous. I can’t hate, though, because I’m pretty sure those commercials for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter are only about 15 seconds long, and yet anytime they appear on the screen, I announce in a booming, disembodied voice, “I AM GOING THERE.”

After the cut, I offer analysis of the new trailer, in haiku form (and one limerick).

Ahoy, Sparkle Vamp

Brow still furrowed?  What a shame,

Y’all still haven’t boned.

*

Hey K Stew, have you

ever tried to don a smile?

It’s just a question.

*

Last year’s jorts have been

replaced by Efron bangs, but

that is not hair gel.

*

There once was a girl named Bella

who couldn’t choose twixt two fellas

not that it matters

their characterization couldn’t be flatter,

but at least she’ll be able to wear a veil, ah!

Book Report for Spells by Aprilynne Pike

BFF Charm: Yay?
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: Straight up with a side of disney princess
Bonus Factors: Faerie Lore, Trolls!
Relationship Status: My brother’s best friend

The Deal:

Things are going pretty well for Laurel, now that her parents know she’s a faerie, and they have promised not to sell their land in the country- where a secret gate to Avalon (faerie world) is protected day and night by sentries.  She still has her best friend, and her boyfriend, David, thinks she’s the coolest faerie on two legs.  She’s a little apprehensive when she’s summoned to Avalon to ‘catch up’ on her faerie studies, but at least when she’s there she’ll get to see Tam, the super hot sentry faerie who she can’t quite seem to say ‘no’ to.  But then, she still has nightmares about the trolls, who are still after her, and what’s with the crazy commando troll-hunting lady? Can she be trusted?

BFF Charm: Yay?

I like Laurel, I do.  I’m just not 100% sure I want to give her my charm.  I complained about her being bland in the first book, but I found her a bit more interesting in this one.  She’s really sweet, if a little lost and confused, and she has a nice quiet strength.  I think I’d like to give her a few years, to see how she grows up, because maybe my hesitation is just because I’m really too old for her.

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

Folks, this is a kissing book.  For reals.  However, maybe it’s the sweetness in which it’s told, or maybe Aprilynne Pike is a genius mastermind and she’s playing me like a fiddle, and will disclose the steamy in a future book, but whichever it is, I don’t particularly feel the swoon between Laurel and David. Tam, however, leaves my knees weak and gives me a little flutter in my tummy. I’m really looking forward to someone else reading this series, because I’d like to see if it’s just me that thinks this.  But to me, the chemistry between Laurel and Tam is Grade A Top Choice.

Talky Talk: Straight up with a side of disney princess

Aprilynne Pike handles the inner-workings of teenagers very smoothly, and even though I like my fantasy stories chocked full of a little more thrills and chills, she delivers on the story, and there’s plenty of excitement to go around, too.  I don’t mean any insult with the disney princess thing.  This story is just very sweet, and if it was a musical, I could picture Laurel bursting out with a little “I want to be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’…”

Oh, and Ms. Pike? That cliffie?  Thanks a lot.  You’ve insured that I will be reading the next one.

Bonus Factor: Faerie Lore

In this book we delve into some fantastic faerie lore that is both believable (you know, when you’re talking faerie lore) and really well thought out. See, these faeries have no wings. They’re plants, so the females ‘blossom’ in certain seasons, but trust me, this is way better than Tinker Belle.

Bonus Factor: Trolls!

I think more stories should use trolls as bad guys. ‘Cause they’re so bad, really. On a side note, probably one of the most quoted lines from a movie in my house is Ian Hart’s “There’s a TROOOOOLL in the dungeon! … Thought you ought to know…” (Because there’s this lady who, ahem, trolls around the dog park near our house, and she’s kind of… a troll. So we all say that line whenever we see her.  But not so she can hear. Maybe you have to be there.)

Casting Call:

Here’s where I’m going to get a little pissy.  Because Laurel is very clearly described in these books, looks-wise.  The closest actress I can think of who could resemble that description would be:

Mia Wasikowska as Laurel

HOWEVER, (see the all-caps, I’m irrate) a movie IS in the works, and they are in talks to cast:

The Toad as Laurel

Personally, I would cast her as one of the trolls.  And for the boys:

Lucas Grabeel as David

And need I remind you?

Tom Sturridge as Tam

Oh, Laurel, for my sake, please go back to the woods…

Relationship Status: My brother’s best friend

So this book is over a lot, and although it’s my brother’s friend (so it’s automatically gross) I find myself crushing on it a little.  Even though it walked in on me in the bathroom that one time, and has been known to tease me mercilessly on more than one occasion.  I wonder what might happen when we’re all a little older.

Welcome to the first installment of our new interview series, Between Two Lockers, where we ask YA authors the kind of hard hitting questions usually reserved for secret locker rendezvous and slumber parties. And where we’ll ALSO end each interview with a game of everyone’s favorite predictor of the future, MASH!

Y’all, I’m so excited to announce our first author: Brian Katcher!  Now, I’ve said this before, but when I first read Almost Perfect (my review here), I went into it really expecting a BOOK ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUES. What I got instead was a character driven story that felt very real.  I never once felt that the plot or devices were contrived, it was simply a beautiful story told well.

Since that time, Mr. Katcher has become a regular (and much appreciated) commenter on FYA, and we were thrilled when he agreed to be our first interview!

Now, Brian Katcher is a favorite around here, and upon further reading, I’m sure you’ll see why.  A big thanks to him for being such an awesome interview, for playing MASH with us, sending a picture from his early days, having the balls to ask what a ‘freebie’ was, and doing it all DURING A MOVE!

THE QUESTIONS:

FYA: AKA THE BIG ONE: If yr real life adolescence was a YA book…What would you, the main character, be like? Who is yr secret crush? What is yr number #1 source of angst? At what point would the reader pump his/her fist in victory? And who would play you in the film adaptation?

BK: If you’ve ever read ‘Playing With Matches,’ you get a very good idea of what I was like as a teen. I kept having to tell myself that I was not writing my autobiography. I was nerdy, funny, and afraid of girls. My secret crush was the girl I based the character ‘Buttercup’ on…she had a boyfriend. Angst: My father was a central office administrator, which made me the boss’s kid. As if I didn’t have enough problems. Fist pump: When I kissed that girl after the dance at the Key Club convention. I was 15. Film: I’m so out of touch with who’s popular these days, I can’t give a good answer to that. I hope they cast me as one of the annoying teachers.

FYA: What is your secret power?

BK: I can fix the computers at work, so they can’t fire me.

FYA: What is your #1 favorite food?

BK: Authentic Mexican tacos.

FYA: Tell me about your area of expertise.

BK: Urban legends. I’ve always been fascinated with the stories that people believe are true, despite evidence to the contrary. That’s the theme in the book I just finished (hope the publisher is as interested as I am).

FYA:If you could assemble your own Ocean’s 11 of fictional characters, who would you pick and why?

BK: 1. Lt. Milo Minderbinder (Catch-22) as the money: The guy ran a trans-European business out of the mess office. He could could set us up with the cash/equipment.

2. ex-PFC Wintergreen (Catch-22) as the computer guy: wrong era, but the guy secretly ran an airbase by diverting the mail. I think he could handle modern technology.

3. Chief Brombden (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) as the inside guy: Last guy you’d suspect. And nothing goes unnoticed like a seven-foot-tall Native American schizophrenic.

4. Katniss (The Hunger Games) as the Kid: When things fall apart, she’d be the one to keep her head.

5. The Terrible Old Man (The Terrible Old Man, H.P. Lovecraft) as the decoy: Sure, he’s 105 years old, but the last guys who crossed him ended up stomped to death by ghosts.

6. Dave Lister (Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers) as the wheel man: The guy drove a stolen taxi for months, I think he could drive the getaway car.

7. Colonel Aureliano Buendia (One Hundred Years of Solitude) as the muscle: No one crosses the colonel.

8. Long Tom Roberts (Doc Savage adventures) as the safecracker: Sure, this tech experience is 70 years out of date, but the man was the greatest electronics expert of the 1930s, he’ll figure it out.

9. Shadow (American Gods) 10) and Julia (1984) as the leaders: two of the most street savy characters I’ve ever read.

10. I absolutely could not think of anyone to be the Chinese acrobat.

FYA: What is your best karaoke song?

BK: ”Indiana Wants Me”

FYA: Tell me something scandalous!

BK: In Mexico, I shared an apartment with two beautiful women, a la, ‘Three’s Company.’ It’s a lot more frustrating than you’d think.

FYA: What is your favorite adult beverage?

BK: Coffee with whiskey in it

FYA: What book have you read the most number of times?

BK: “Catch-22″

FYA: Who is your “freebie”?

BK: I’m informed that this is someone you can have sex with and it does not count as cheating. As Mrs. Katcher is a big fan of your site, I decline to answer this one. But here’s a joke from some comedian:

“My wife and I agreed to never cheat unless we had a chance with our ultimate fantasy person. She chose Richard Gere, I chose Cindy Crawford. Last year I suggested we update the list. She chose Brad Pitt, I chose our babysitter. Now she’s all mad because I won.”

FYA: YA authors are so cool. Who would you give a BFF charm to?

BK: Guys don’t really give BFF charms. I’d give a macho fist bump to John Green.

FYA: Out of all of the characters you’ve written, which one do you most wish you could be?

BK: Sherman Andrews, from ‘Everyone Dies in the End, a Romantic Comedy.’ He was me in college. Too bad that book got rejected.

Brian Katcher (far left) at 19. HE IS NOT WEARING A WIG!

Now for MASH!  Brian supplied us with 3 choices for each category, and we threw in the “bad” choices to make things interesting!

Spouse:
Sandra Katcher
Molly Ringwald
Jodie Foster
Sarah Palin

Job:
Novelist
Archae0logist
Writer for ‘Lonely Planet’ travel guides
Trapeze Artist

Hometown:
Mexico City
New York City
Macando
Witchita

# of Kids:
1
2
3
11

Pet:
none
none
none
parakeet

Income:
million
billion
zillion
$30K

Car:
85 Buick (my first car)
VW Bus
Harley
Pinto

Honeymoon:
Mexico City
Alaska
New York
Gary, IN

Well, it could have been worse, right?  I guess maybe it’s a good thing Brian Katcher’s future wasn’t decided by MASH, after all.

HOLY SHIZZ, Y’ALL! JACOB KISSED US!!!!!

um, and there’s a scary something out there that just broke in upstairs! and is CALLING OUR NAME!

while we’ve been pretty badass lately, it’s time to dial back on the buffy juice and get real. by running away! you unanimously chose A) Snap out of it, and say, “Neil, get us out of here!”

Keep reading to find out what happens next.

“Neil, get us out of here!” you shriek. Jacob still has a grip on your arms, thank god, or you’d be headed upstairs toward that creepy voice.

“Jacob, take both the girls and RUN!” Neil says. “I’m going to stay and fight this guy. I’m tired of dealing with this shit.”

Jacob looks defiant, but Neil stands his ground. Shrugging, he shoves you and Kayleigh out the door and into his car. “Take my keys,” he says, and orders you to go straight back to your house. “Don’t open any doors or windows. DON’T let anyone in. I’ll be there as soon as I can, but I’m sure as hell not running away to let Neil play hero.” And then Jacob disappears back inside.

You look wide-eyed at Kayleigh, then over her shoulder. A tall, skeletal figure in black, tattered rags is disappearing into the upstairs window of Jacob and Kayleigh’s house

“What the hell? He’s just going to leave us alone? I don’t think so, big bro,” Kayleigh says, and wrenches open the car door. “C’mon. We have to go back in there.”

Jeez. What IS this? you wonder. Do I LOOK like Buffy Summers? Or even Willow?

“Wait,” you say to Kayleigh. “We can’t just barge in there unarmed.” You pop open the trunk and start rummaging through Jacob’s crap. Does this dude live in his car? You pull out some rope, a couple of wooden stakes, a swiss army knife (whoa), a lighter and a flashlight. Hey, you never know. You stick the lighter and one of the stakes in your pocket, and hand Kayleigh everything else but the knife. No way are you letting go of that thing, even if the blade is only 1.5 inches long and duller than a nail file. As Kayleigh dashes for the front door, you sigh and follow.

So much for getting out of here, you think.

As you approach the house, you can hear sounds of a struggle coming from the stairs and Kayleigh screaming. Heart pounding, you sneak up to the front door and peek inside, convinced you’re going to see Jacob broken and bleeding at the bottom of the stairs and Kayleigh being dragged away to her death, with only Neil fighting for her life.

“What the eff?!?” you shout. It’s not JACOB at the bottom of the stairs. It’s Neil. And he’s not broken or bleeding, but he’s been tied to the bannister. Jacob is struggling with the creepy thing you saw climbing into the house (ugh — it looks like it’s been dead 1000 years), and Kayleigh is screaming at … Jacob?

“Kayleigh! What the EFF??!?” you repeat. She turns to you and grins. You KNEW there was something sinister about the way she said, “There you are,” when she woke up, old best friend grin or not. And the grin she’s giving you now is NOT an old best friend grin.

Neil grunts, and you break away from Kayleigh’s gaze. You rush over and cut the ropes (WHY did you give Kayleigh the rope?) and he leaps over Jacob and the monster (seriously — he just leapt 15 feet in the air) and pulls it off Jacob. While Neil holds its arms, Jacob looks around for something to bash the creep with, but suddenly it disappears like vapor.

The front door slams. Oh, shizzle. Kayleigh’s gone, running off down the lawn toward the car. Where you left the keys in the ignition. She hops in and is gone, headed toward the run-down strip mall part of town. You just stand there, and discreetly look down at your jeans to make sure you haven’t peed your pants. Then you run over to Jacob, who’s sitting on the stairs with his head in his hands. His forehead’s bleeding.

“Are you ok?” you ask, worried.

“I’m fine. God, how could I be so stupid?” he groans. You turn to Neil and give him a “Don’t you even dare say ‘I told you so’” look.

He replies with an innocent, “What?” look, then says, “C’mon, guys. We have to go after them. I know where they’ll be, but we can’t do this alone OR unprepared. First of all,” he says, turning to you, “we have to make sure YOU can’t be influenced so easily by the Ancient One’s powers of persuasion. And it’s past time for us to tell you what’s going on.”

You look at Jacob, who nods, and the three of you head down the stairs and out the door. Neil walks a little way down the street, then stops at a car you hadn’t noticed before and unlocks the doors. You and Jacob climb in, and soon you’re heading away from your safe neighborhood (well, it USED to be safe) and toward an old apartment building downtown.

You’re all silent on the ride, and when Neil parks the car on the street you just quietly get out and follow the boys. You’re through making decisions for now — look where that’s gotten you? Plus, you’re super worried about Kayleigh.

Once inside, the three of you sit down and Neil takes a deep breath.

“Ok,” he says. “Where to begin …”

“Kayleigh –” you interrupt.

“Kayleigh.” He sighs again. “We were able to override the Change, but she didn’t have enough time to recover before the Ancient One appeared. His powers over her hadn’t completely waned, and she had to succumb to his grip on her will. She’s not a vampire, and I don’t think he’ll try to change her now that he’s finally come into contact with you. When you heard him speaking to you, that was him speaking into your mind. He found a way into your consciousness, and you need to learn to block him out or you’ll never be able to resist. We’ll never save your friend — he’s using her as bait to get to you. Once he has you, she’ll be tossed aside.”

Jacob stiffens at this point, but doesn’t speak yet.

“The Ancient One has been around for thousands of years. He’s not the original vampire by any means, but he’s definitely one of the oldest and most powerful around today. Every 50 years, he has to take an innocent in order to strengthen his powers and maintain control over his followers. This time, he chose you. Do you know anything about your grandmother?”

Confused, you shake your head. Your grandmother died when your mom was only a baby, and no one ever talked about it. Your grandfather packed up your mom and her brother and moved as far from Milwaukee as he could right after it happened, and never looked back.

“She was the last innocent he took. An innocent doesn’t have to be a virgin, or a child. Just someone pure of intention. And as her descendant, you’re a very potent symbol to him. He’s been looking for your family for years, slaughtering as he goes.” Hm. That explains the newspaper clipping about Milwaukee. “Look, there’s a lot more, but we’re running out of time. The Ancient One must have followed the trail here, and has been using Finn, Heather and even Kayleigh to get to you. It’s too late for Finn and Heather, but if we hurry we can find Kayleigh. And the thing is, you’re more than just an innocent. You might have what it takes to stop him — it’s in your bloodline. That’s why he took your grandmother nearly 50 years ago.”

You swallow all the questions you have (How do you know this stuff? Did Jacob know all the details? Why is Neil fighting the Ancient One? How old is Neil, anyway?) and just nod. Jacob puts his arm around your shoulder and gives you a reassuring hug. And now your mind’s blank and you couldn’t speak if you wanted to.

“Let’s get her protected and go after Kayleigh,” Jacob says. He takes the ring off his finger and hands it to you. “It’s probably too big, but you’ll need it.” You slip it on your thumb, and even though you a. aren’t remotely interested in getting serious enough for rings and b. you know it’s just for your protection, all you can think is, “OMG Jacob just gave me a ring!” Neil goes into the kitchen and comes back with a cup of foul-smelling tea.

“Drink all of this,” he commands. You look at Jacob, who nods again, and you start to sip. GROSS. You pinch your nose closed with one hand and swallow as fast as you can. It makes you feel a little funny (didn’t your dad always warn you about taking unknown drinks from boys?), and you shudder.

Just as you turn to Neil to hand him the mug, there’s a crash from outside. All three of you look at the window just in time to see a pair of hands let go of the windowsill, followed by another crash.

“Shit,” Neil mutters. “We aren’t ready for this.” And he runs to the window and is gone before you and Jacob can react. Jacob looks at you, and you both rush to the window in time to see Neil running off down the street after … Heather? As you’re processing that image, something HUGE starts pounding on the door. It’s starting to splinter under the impact. Do you

A) climb out the window after Jacob, who’s running after Neil and Heather? They can’t leave you alone now!

B) grab Jacob’s arm, point to the car keys on the table and take Neil’s car to give chase? Might as well be smart about it.

C) sit down in the corner and cry? It’s been a long day.

D) grab Jacob’s arm and the stake from your back pocket and get ready to fight? That potion was more potent that you thought.

BOOK REPORT for lucky by rachel vail

bff charm: yay
swoonworthy scale: 5
talky talk: straight up, with an o.c. twist
bonus factors: my super sweet 16, dad of the year
relationship status: friend with a really hot older brother

the deal: phoebe avery lives a charmed life. her mom’s a big shot on wall street, her dad’s a caring do-gooder kindergarten teacher, her older sisters don’t always ignore her, she’s one of the most popular girls in the 8th grade, and she and her bffs are about to throw the HUGEST 8th grade graduation partay EVAR (side note here — WTF??! srsly, we didn’t even HAVE an 8th grade graduation, let alone parties. i think we just had our moms drive us to chili’s after exams, then pick us up at the mall later. i mean, WOO HOO congrats, you passed another grade. it’s not like it’s even an accomplishment! it’s basically the law that you have to pass. anyway. putting that aside now …). but then her mom loses her job, and phoebs and her sisters have to figure out some way to maintain their popularity and status without anyone finding out (um, the o.c. much?). plus, her bffs are falling apart — kirstyn’s aiming to enter high school more popular than ever, ann’s struggling with her family’s poverty and her sense that maybe she’s not interested in being a cool kid, gabrielle’s into sports and zhara doesn’t need any of them to help her social status. and phoebe is torn between her oldest friend, ann, and her closest friend kirstyn (who treats ann like a crap-covered charity case).

bff charm: yay

y’all, i gotta admit it was touch and go here for a while. i mean, first of all phoebe’s only in 8th grade, and she’s totes in 8th grade, ya know? and while she’s a cute kid and all (a little too spoiled, though), she’s not really who i’d invite to my slumber party. but then i thought back to 8th grade, and remembered the year-long fight i had with rachel f. after the class trip to nyc, where we’d pass messages through kate in homeroom (”kate, tell meghan i’m not talking to her.” “oh, yeah? well, kate, tell rachel she’s a spoiled brat”) and then made up in 9th grade and rachel was my bridesmaid and we’re still close friends (true story). and i thought, you know, kiddo needs some slack. she also totally steps it up and is so ready for high school by the end of the book, and i could def. give her a bff charm to hold in trust for the future. and meanwhile, take her out to the mall when her big sister, who’s my age, ditches her to go smooching with her new boyfriend and play big sis to the little sis i never had.

swoonworthy scale: 5

you know that awkward middle school he-just-smiled-does-he-like-me? stuff? the “hey, jimmy, sara wants to know if tom likes jennifer, will you find out?” stuff? this book has it, AND the tingles of that first *real* crush and kiss, not the 6th-grade dry peck on the lips in front of all yr friends after the baptist youth group meeting on wednesday night that you only went to because HE would be there. the interaction between phoebe and luke was one of my absolute favorite parts of the book.

talky talk: straight up, with an o.c. twist

rachel vail writes really straightforward — no real attempts at current slang, crazy facebook-esque computer stuff, or even namedropping (surprising for a book about rich, popular kids — seriously, the only brand name i remember is vera wang, and it’s only mentioned once in reference to phoebe’s perfect dress, forever after referred to as “the green dress” or “the perfect dress”). the only thing is i could NOT get the o.c. out of my head. i mean, it’s like vail wrote this book after a 4-day o.c. dvd binge, cos i kept seeing sandy cohen as the liberal, understanding, loving-but-firm father, and marissa cooper as phoebe, the girl whose parents just lost it all. sadly, there’s no adorbs seth cohen or moody-but-hot boy from the wrong side of the valley ryan. honestly, it was actually a bit distracting, but i do have to give vail major props for sticking to a normal, real style and not trying to cool it up any. and she totes gets the awkwardness of 8th grade and the scariness of impending high school.

bonus factor: my super sweet 16

so, this might be more of an anti-bonus factor, but here it is. y’all, i REALLY wanted to trip phoebe’s bitchy, manipulative bff kirstyn as she was going down the stairs at school because she would NOT SHUT UP about the stupid 8th grade grad party. i mean, really? photographers and special mini albums for all the guests? renting a club for the party? what happened to cheetoes and cokes in the living room while the parents tried to hide in their bedroom and “just stay out of y’all’s way”? ok, i know i was a major nerd in high school and never ONCE even heard about a cool kids’ party before it happened, and wouldn’t have even considered going if i had, but this just sounds inSANE. in the membrane, yo.

bonus factor: dad of the year

the Cliff Huxtable award of Awesome Dadhood

so i debated giving it a bonus factor of “parents”, but phoebe’s mom is just not quite there yet. she has her moments of awesome, but she’s too busy-corporate-parent for me. but her dad rocks. he’s a kindergarten teacher who plays the piano and serves food at the homeless shelter once a month, makes pancakes on saturdays and rounds up all his spoiled rich girls’ stuff twice a year and takes it to the salvation army. and he has a couple of AWESOME come to jesus talks with phoebe where he tries to steer her off the path to spoiled rich bitch and towards being a compassionate human being. and it’s real, too, and makes you cheer him on. plus, there’s the super cute fishing trip at the end (with a very very nice tingly, angsty scene with luke).

casting call:

peter gallagher as phoebe's dad

mischa barton as phoebe avery

ugh. will you forgive me for doing this? i just.couldn’t.help.myself. for either of these choices.

leighton meester as kirstyn

leighton’s got the gossip girl thing down.

penn badgley as luke

um, luke has curly hair, penn badgley has curly hair …

and the rest of the characters were pretty nondescript, so feel free to throw in your own favorite pretty face.

relationship status: friend with a really hot older brother

lucky’s the first of three books about the same family — the other two (gorgeous and brilliant) are about phoebe’s older sisters allison and quinn (brilliant comes out in may this year). while lucky was a cute kid, i’m really more interested in gorgeous and brilliant, and might be hanging out with lucky just to get a little closer to them, and have something to talk to them about in the caf next week at lunch.

That’s right, peeps!  No longer shall you have to suffer the slings and arrows of having a normal name, found in the typical Baby Names books!  Nor will your offspring have to suffer in ironic sameness with all the other Mackenzies, Ashleighs, Ariannas, Isabelles, Madisons, Aidans, Jacksons and Jaydens in the Tumble Tots play center.  FYA is here to save you!

The rules are simple!  Just write down your answer for each of the questions, and then combine them in the end.

Be sure to post your Hunger Games name so that we know how to eulogize you during our Mass Funeral for Tributes!!

1) Write down the second syllable of your middle name.

• If you do not have a middle name – what is wrong with you?  How did you know when your parents were mad at you?  Anyway, you should use the second syllable of your first name.
• If your middle name is only one syllable, you may use the second syllable of your last name.
• If none of your names have more than one syllable, your parents obviously read the children’s book Tikki-Tikki-Tembo, and you may use any syllable you like from Tikki-Tikki-Tembo-No-Sa-Rembo-Chari-Bari-Ruchi-Pip-Peri-Pembo’s name.

2) Write down the name of a plant.

3) If you are a female above the age of 30, write down the word “less.”  If you are a female under the age of 30, write down the word “met.”  If you are a man of any age, A) welcome! and B) write down the word “petra.”

4) Write down the first initial of the last name of your favorite English teacher from school.

5) Write down one simple action verb (i.e. “run,” “jump,” etc)

Now, get your results!!

Combine the answer from #1 with the answer from #3.  That is your first name.

Your middle initial is the answer to #4.

Your last name is your answer to #5 with your answer to #2 added to the end.

My Hunger Games name is . . .{drumroll, please} . . . Lizmet W. Skiptulip! 

Post yours in the replies!!

REPORT CARD for INTO THE WILD NERD YONDER by julie halpern

bff charm: yay!
swoonworthy scale: 5
talky talk: tangential
bonus factors: geeks, craftyness
relationship status: mall crush

the deal:

jessie is yr average smart kid. she’s sweet, she’s quiet (she’s got straight brown hair for goodness sake! you know in books that’s basically a euphemism for “mousy”) and her life revolves around her family (esp. her super cool older brother, barrett) and her two bffs, bizza and char. let me interrupt myself for a second to say, y’all, I KNOW. i am THIS CLOSE to writing a cease and desist letter to YA authors everywhere re: Ridiculous Names, signed A CONCERNED CITIZEN. anyway! as the v. definition of adolescence suggests, change is inevitable, and in this book, that change appears in the form of bizza’s newly shaved head and her sudden moves on van, the local Mysterious Loner Dude and, more importantly, jessie’s longtime crush. as big bro barrett’s departure for college draws closer and bizza’s true bitchy colors begin to shine through, jessie realizes her entire identity is… well, what IS her identity? in her quest for new friends, she finds herself strangely attracted to henry, a total dork with highwater jeans (YIKES) and his group of twelve-sided-dice throwing, renfest role playing friends. jessie loves the acceptance she finds with this new group, but the question remains: who is she, and who does she want to be? and, more importantly, since this IS high school: does this mean she’s a (gasp) TOTAL DORK?!!!

bff charm: yay!

jess, honey, we are totally soul sisters. except i didn’t have an older punk rock brother who let me hang out with his super hot friends and bang on the drums so really i was actually even LESS COOL than you are when i was in high school. but i’ll let that slide, because i really want you to make me a skirt with baked goods all over it (did i mention that jessie is a totes talented seamstress? see craftyness below!). you’re fearless when it comes to book learnin’, but you are a total scaredy cat when it comes to Forming Words In The Immediate Vicinity Of Yr Crush. what i’m saying is, I FEEL YOU. i admit that i got kind of annoyed when you were constantly freaking out about being labeled as a nerd, because honestly, sweetheart, there are way worse things in life. but overall, you’re an awesome girl, and you need some friends who actually appreciate you instead of trying to steal yr long-term object of lust (i’m mad doggin’ YOU, BIZZA!).

swoonworthy scale: 5

this book is definitely on the “realistic” end of the YA spectrum, and you guys know that’s pretty much my favorite type. with that said, the romantic moments are more on the sweet, awkward side than they are on the “I MUST BE WITH YOU OR PERISH” side. there are definitely some nail-biting (in a good way) parts with van at the beginning, but most of the swoons come from jessie’s growing interest in henry, whom i totally adore. he’s smart, cute and, what i find most impressive, completely comfortable with being a geek. now THAT is hot, y’all.

talky talk: tangential

after the first few pages, i was starting to feel like i was reading my own blog, and instead of making me feel good about myself, it made me realize that i totally abuse parenthesis and probably annoy the shizz out of a lot of you. um please accept my apologies! for past and all future transgressions cos this entry isn’t even done yet and i know i’m gonna throw in at least one more parenthetical tangent using ALL CAPS. but yeah, at first, i was all, julie halpern, SIMMER DOWN WITH THE TANGENTS. i felt like she went a little overboard in her attempts to make jessie’s voice sound teenager-y because there were so many parenthetical inserts and lots of slang. fortunately, ms. halpern actually did calm down, and i found the majority of the book’s style to be fun and easygoing.

bonus factor: geeks

YES YES Y’ALL! there is some serious Nerdfest 2010 happening in this book. i mean, dungeons and dragons is one thing, but a weekend of renaissance-era role playing? that is hard core. jessie, you are a brave girl. and i’m not just talking about having to wear yr friend’s mom’s lace teddy over a skirt as yr “costume” but also PEEING IN THE FOREST IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT?!! that is beyond the call of dork duty.

bonus factor: craftyness

as mentioned above, jess sews her own skirts! in fact, she pretty much make a different skirt for every single day of… her life. she picks fabrics to match her mood or, for example, the theme of a party, and i think that’s the most adorable thing i’ve ever read. SEW ON, SISTA!

casting call:

i know she has a (cute) pixie cut now, but the long-haired carey is the perfect blend of sweetness and burgeoning independence.

carey mulligan as jess

i haven’t mentioned barrett too much, but he was actually my favorite character in the whole book! in fact, i think i crushed on him even more than henry. ahem. now that i’ve made my feelings known, you can see why i would select the epitome of the crushable older brother, jesse bradford (i know, he’s too old now but SHUT UP).

jesse bradford as barrett

you’ll notice that i did NOT include “mysterious loner dude” under bonus factors, because as it turns out, van totally sucks. which is why 90s jared leto is the perfect choice!

MSCL-era jared leto as van

and finally, henry. awww! i know i just cast this dude but his cute face, goofy demeanor and mop of curls is PERFECT for the king dork that steals jessie’s heart.

aaron johnson as henry

relationship status: mall crush

the minute i saw this book smile at me (the cover is so adorbs!), my face turned red and i had to duck into claire’s to let out the squee. i started to hang out more and more in the food court, just so i’d get the chance to flex my flirting muscles whenever we ran into each other. it’s a total sweetheart, but i don’t expect anything serious to happen. to be honest, i don’t think about it once i leave the mall parking lot, *but* i definitely don’t mind admiring its cuteness between my sprees at contempo.

ATTENTION EVERYONE! CAN I PLEASE HAVE YR ATTENTION?

seriously, y’all, PUT DOWN THE YA BOOK AND YR COCKTAIL AND LISTEN UP.

ok, well, you can probably drink and read this at the same time so feel free to keep yr cocktail. far be it from me to prevent anyone from multitasking with alcohol!

inspired by porecelinajune’s recent comment on erin’s baked good defense of peeta, i have decided to launch our first contest! AND I’M V. EXCITED ABOUT IT! because it is EXTREMELY HILARIOUS.

so i’m calling this a contest but it’s not really! cos there’s no prizes except that good feeling you get when you know you’ve done yr v. best at wasting time on the internet! *aww warm fuzzies* oh and also prestigious public recognition on this here crazy famous blog! you guys know kanye subscribes, right? right.

so, if you missed out on the super awesome image of morgan freeman that porcelinajune recently posted, go check out your argument is invalid. hours of mindless entertainment await you. but don’t get too distracted, because you need to send us…

… a HUNGER GAMES VERSION!

such as THIS:

thanks, peeta, don’t mind if i do!

you can use our casting recs or make yr own, but DO THIS YOU GUYS! with any character from hunger games or catching fire! AND SEND US YR PICS! i swear it will be the best time you’ve ever wasted! plus you can upload yr image to this generator, which makes all of the text business v. v. easy.

once we get a few, we’ll post them up and give lolcats a run for their money!

now, excuse me while i go find the nearest croissant in my vicinity.

BOOK REPORT for Witch & Wizard by James Patterson and Gabrielle Charbonnet

BFF Charm: Maybe?
Swoonworthy Scale: 3
Talky Talk: Orwell-lite
Bonus Factor: Big Brother, Kid Nation, Alternate Dimensions
Relationship Status: I’ll Call You. Really.

The Deal:

Whitford and Wisteria Allgood are your run-of-the-mill teenagers.  Their biggest worries are whether they’ll pass that math test and serving detention for bad attitudes in school.  That is until soldiers break into their home in the middle of the night, arresting them under the authority of the New Order, in the name of The One Who Is The One, and bringing them to a court to face charges of Witchcraft by The One Who Judges.  What?!  They have no more idea what’s going on than we do.  What is this New Order?  They suddenly, what, just TOOK POWER??!!!!  Yep, they did.  And now things are getting weird.  Wisty burst into flames in a fit of terror, only she didn’t get burned, and Whit stopped a flying gavel- thrown at him by The One Who Judges- in MID-AIR.  Are they a witch and a wizard?  Why didn’t they know about this?  What happened to their parents?  And why are there so many children, starving and being tortured in prisons?  Oh, and if they ARE wizards, why can’t they control their powers, and get them out of prison before they’re executed?

BFF Charm: Maybe?

I liked both Whit and Wisty fine, but I didn’t really feel like we connected. They both evolved a great deal in this story, yet I didn’t feel like there was much time for actual character development.  I’m not saying I WON’T ever give them my charm, I just want to wait until I read the next installment before I make up my mind.

Swoonworthy Scale: 3

Obvs there’s no swooniness in the brotherly/sisterly love Whit and Wisty share, cause that would be totes gross, so good.  There are some love interests, or at least possible love interests for both of them, and the story definitely has some romance, but it’s complicated, and in this installment, there’s not much in the smoochie department.

Talky Talk: Orwell-lite

This story smacks of 1984, with a tiny twist.  It’s told in very short chapters, alternating first-person narrative between Whit and Wisty. It moves swiftly and with precision.  I was thoroughly engaged and proportionately creeped out, so even though I didn’t LOVE it, it had a LOT of great elements, and I will definitely be looking for the sequel.

I don’t know which parts were written by Patterson, and which parts were written by Charbonnet, or how, exactly this whole co-writing thing works for them, but hey, it got me to read a James Patterson book, and I can’t really think of anything else that would have done that…

Bonus Factor: Big Brother

He’s watching.  He’s listening.  And he’s gonna get your ass!

Bonus Factor: Kid Nation

As Whit and Wisty discover, the kids that AREN’T in prison have their shizz TO-GETH-ER!  They’ve formed their own governing body, and guess what? It works!  They actually learned from the mistakes the adults made about things like, say, power corrupts, and they take steps to prevent that from happening with them!  All in huge old department store!

Bonus Factor: Alternate Dimensions

I love a story with some alternate dimensions!  Maybe because they BLOW MY MIND!  In this story they exist in the form of the Overworld, the Underworld, the Shadowlands and the Freeland.

Casting Call:

Anna Sophia Robb as Wisty

But with red hair.  And…

Zach Gilford as Whit

Relationship Status: I’ll Call You. Really.

I’ll be the bigger person and admit that I was prejudiced against this book before I read it. (See Patterson entry above.)  But the more time we spent together, the more I actually enjoyed it, realizing that this book and I have more in common than perhaps I initially wanted to admit.  We went on a couple of dates, and I had a good time.  There were no bells ringing or choirs singing, but this book and I were pretty good together.  I’m not quite ready to take the plunge and start DATING dating it, but when we last parted, and I told it I’d call, I actually meant it.