REPORT CARD for JELLICOE ROAD by melina marchetta

bff charm: yay!
swoonworthy scale: 9
talky talk: prosetastic
bonus factors: mysterious loner dude, boarding school, territory wars
relationship status: eternal love

the deal:

although it may look like yr average scenic route, jellicoe road is a magical place that, like regina george’s hair, is full of secrets. and for taylor markham, those mysteries include the key to her past, present and future. see, when taylor was a kid, she was abandoned on jellicoe road by her mother, and she’s been raised among other orphans at the jellicoe school. now that she’s finally a senior, taylor has been chosen to serve as the head of her house and given the responsibility of looking after the younger students and, more importantly, waging the summer territory wars against the cadets (boys in military training, kinda like the australian version of ROTC) and the townies (the kids who live in town). in spite of the weight of these duties, taylor finds herself deeply disturbed by the sudden departure of her mentor, hannah, and the manuscript she left behind, which tells the tragic tale of five people who met their destinies on jellicoe road. haunted by this enigmatic story, taylor begins a quest to find out what happened to the five (fitz, jude, narnie, webb and tate) in the hopes of discovering the truth about her own identity. complicating matters further (as if the girl didn’t have enough crap to deal with!) is the fact that the head of the cadets is none other than jonah griggs, a boy who shares a piece of taylor’s dark past.

bff charm: yay!

taylor markham is one tough cookie, you guys. in fact, she kind of scares me sometimes. i’d probably stand nervously by her locker and, as she rounded the corner of the hall, totally lose my nerve to talk to her, let alone give her my bff charm, because she’s so dang BAD ASS. scarred by her elusive, beautiful mother, taylor has pretty much walled herself away from intimacy with anyone, and her guarded toughness only makes girls like me want to be her friend even more, especially cos it’s obvious girlfriend needs a marathon heart to heart session over a pint of ben & jerry’s. fortunately, she’s already got a BFF named raffy (who i also love love LOVE), but taylor could definitely use a few more bosom buddies. it’s painful to read about her tortured longing for a sense of family, a feeling of *belonging* somewhere, and lines like this– Because people with that much spirit frighten me the hell out of me. They make me want to be a better person when I know it’s not possible– just made me want to reach out and grab her in a hug, even though she’d probably beat me up afterwards.

swoonworthy scale: 9

my reading list been experiencing a bit of a dry spell in the swoon department lately, and “jellicoe road” brought enough rain to float noah’s ark. LORD ALMIGHTY is there some Epic Level Hotness in this book. the chemistry between taylor and jonah is absolutely *scorching* from the first minute taylor lays eyes on jonah’s… boots (let’s just say, their reunion is NOT friendly, i.e. did someone order a hot heaping plate of TENSION?!!). i’ll be sighing more over jonah in the bonus factor category, but i can tell you right now, their relationship has immediately leaped into my top 5 YA romances of all time. Y’ALL THAT IS A SERIOUS PROMOTION. there’s obviously some sizzling physical attraction between the two, but what makes taylor and jonah’s connection so powerful is the tragic pasts they share and their consequent struggles to keep hope from cracking through their mutually cynical exteriors.

talky talky: prosetastic

i’ve read two of marchetta’s previous books, and while i enjoyed the pants out of them, i found “jellicoe road” to be her most beautifully written work so far. while all of the characters are carefully and authentically developed, taylor’s voice especially rings true in a way that made my heart soar with her triumphs and break with her descents into darkness. here’s just one example of the gut punches you can expect from marchetta’s writing:

I fight hard to stay afloat and suddenly I remember the feeling of fear in my mother’s touch. Some say it’s impossible because you remember nothing when you’re five seconds old but I promise you this: I remember the tremble in my mother’s body when the midwife first placed me in her arms. I remember the feeling of slipping between those fingers. It’s like she never really managed to grab hold of me with a firmness that spoke of never letting go. It’s like she never got it right.

GAH! i know, right?!! my only complaint about the structure of this book are the flashbacks to the five kids in hannah’s manuscript. when you first begin the story, it’s not clear who exactly these kids are or why their parts are always written in italics. plus i had a hard time keeping up with who was who (blame the australian names, aka “ooooh, tate is a GIRL?!!”). in spite of some early bumps, marchetta manages to skillfully weave their lives into taylor’s, and the end result was definitely worth my initial confusion.

bonus factor: mysterious loner dude

jonah griggs is totally the new cameron quick, you guys. AND YOU KNOW I DON’T SAY THAT LIGHTLY. he’s brooding, he’s fit (thank you, military push-ups!) and most importantly, he’s a total enigma. other boys fear him, while girls constantly offer up their phone numbers, but jonah remains an island off the coast of Super Hot Mystique. and, unlike jordan “i can’t read good” catalano, jonah’s secrets only made me fall in love with him more. warning: you should consider every page that he’s on to be *highly flammable*.

bonus factor: boarding school

even though the jellicoe school is lacking in certain boarding school qualities, such as rich kids and designer clothes, it more than makes up for it with the harry-potter-style house system and major dramz.

bonus factor: territory wars

let me break this down for you right here: a territory war is like capture the flag, except WAY MORE EPIC. the cadets, the townies and the jellicoe school kids have been playing this game for years, and every inch of space, down to specific trees, is fought over by the three groups and carefully mapped out. the extremely complex rules are outlined in a purple rule book and argued over extensively by the three group leaders during secret negotiation meetings. students are kidnapped, individuals are ambushed, and it’s basically the coolest thing EVER. in fact, i totally want to set up a real life Territory Wars because i am dying to play. who’s with me?!! we could fight the hipsters and take over a bar! water balloons may be involved.

casting call:

i love these characters so much, i gotta go with my typical favorites:

kat dennings as taylor

she’s gorgeous, but would you want to mess with her? i don’t think so.

taylor kitsch as jonah

hot loner dude? like i was gonna go with anyone else!

relationship status: eternal love

if you couldn’t already tell, I AM IN L-O-V-E WITH THIS BOOK (that includes you, jonah! p.s. CALL ME). and you should be, too, which is why i’m adding it to my top yangelism tools. this book is brimming with two of my favorite YA elements, swoons and mischief, but more importantly, it’s a masterfully written, heartbreakingly beautiful story about a girl struggling not only to find herself, but to embrace herself. the minute i finished the last page, i wanted to read it all over again (and i actually did go back and read my favorite parts a few more times cos we’re talking *serious* case of TEABS here). i’m dying to take all of you with me back to jellicoe road, so if you know what’s good for you, READ THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY. and then sign up to be on my territory wars team cos we are totally gonna kick the shizz out of those hipsters.

as some of you may know, the south by southwest (sxsw) festival is happening right now in austin, tx, home to such national treasures as queso, “friday night lights” and yr old pal poshdeluxe! in honor of the music portion, which kicks off today, i thought it might be fun to make a list of YA bands i’d love to see live. plus, i’ve already written up and revised my *real* list like, a hundred times, so this post seemed like a good distraction from the fact that I’M NOT DOWNTOWN YET GAH (but i will be, friends, i will be! grab a free beer for me!).

SXYA OFFICIAL SCHEDULE:

Small Indie Stage:

The Great Tremolo
(from “going bovine” by libba bray)
killer ukulele solo! free yard gnomes while supplies last!

Shooting Star
(from “if i stay” by gayle forman)
these guys are so good, they can bring the dead back to life.

The Hormones
(from “guitar girl” by sarra manning)
i really hope they play “hello kitty speedboat”!!!!

Corporate Sellout Stage:

Spinnerbait
(from “this lullaby” by sarah dessen)
two words: hate spinnerbait!

The Do-Gooders
(from “audrey, wait!” by robin benway)
audrey’s not the one who sucks, evan. YOU DO!

Festival Headliners:

Truth Squad
(from “this lullaby” by sarah dessen)
i think i’m gonna wear a shirt that says, “DEXTER WILL U MARRY ME?” hopefully remy won’t mind.

Bikini
(from “if i stay” by gayle forman)
brooke vega is, like, the new kathleen hanna.

Copenhagen Interpretation
(from “going bovine” by libba bray)
who knows, maybe they’ll show up this time?

Secret Show:

Crucifictorious
(from “friday night lights” which, i know, i know, isn’t a YA book but come ON)
this is gonna be even better than the time last year when kanye showed up at perez hilton’s party! LANDRY I WANNA BE YR GROUPIE!

so, gang, now that you’ve seen my schedule, what did i miss? any killer bands i need to add? hipster shizz i need to avoid?

although it won’t be quite as exciting as sxya, stay tuned for the real life adventures of erin and me as we navigate the chaotic awesomeness of bands, nasty bathrooms and free beer that make up sxsw! and i’m still keeping my eyes peeled for truth squad, just in case…

BOOK REPORT for The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod: Eighth Grade Bites by Heather Brewer

BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 2
Talky Talk: The Vampire Under The Cupboard
Bonus Factors: A Vampire City?!!
Relationship Status: My Favorite Younger Brother

The Deal:

Vladimir Tod is in eighth grade, and is dealing with all of the typical eighth grade stuff: feeling awkward, mean bullies, a crush on a popular girl, grieving over the death of his parents, and being a vampire.  Oh yeah.  See, his father was a vampire, and his mother was human.  Vlad subsists on blood, (although he likes a good chocolate chip cookie now and then) but has been raised to never drink from humans.  His aunty Nelly–who isn’t really his aunt, but nevermind– has been raising him, and is one of two humans who knows his secret.  (She’s also a nurse, handily, and brings home the blood bags!)  As Vlad continues to develop some of his vampire powers, we the readers see that a dark someone is hunting him, and as his desire to find out what really happened to his parents builds, Vlad begins a dangerous journey…

BFF Charm: Yay

So Vlad is a 13-year old boy.  But I didn’t once get annoyed with him. Don’t spread it around, but he’s kind of a little darling, and I loved watching him figuring out the mysteries his parents left behind.  The fierce loyalty between Vlad and his best friend, Henry (who was the only other human besides his aunt who knew Vlad’s secret) was adorbs, and I felt his hopes soar and get dashed whenever Meredith looked his way.  Also, Vlad, I’d go with you to your secret spot and we could have a good cry over your parents together.

Swoonworthy Scale: 2

This really isn’t a romantic book.  I totally felt Vlad’s crush, but nothing, as of yet, has really come of it, and that’s okay, because this story had a lot of ground to cover.

Talky Talk: The Vampire Under The Cupboard

So I couldn’t help but be reminded a bit of Harry Potter when I read this book. I’m not going to say it’s necessarily in the same league of awesome, but this book has heart.  (Contrary to what you might think by looking a the cover art, because it’s clearly geared to 14-year old girls and boys.)  Anyway, the story is straightforward and clever, and I never once questioned the mythos.  I just cared about Vlad and Henry, and what they were going to do next.

Bonus Factor: Vampire City?!!

I don’t want to post any spoilers, but can you imagine if there was a secret city where all the vampires lived, and they had their own government and everything?  Oh, you can?  Well, it’s still cool.

Casting Call:

Although I have a pretty clear picture in my head of what Vlad looks like, I couldn’t find and appropriate 13-year old actor, but all of the blogging girls seem to want to cast this guy, whoever he is:

Alex Evans as Vlad

Relationship Status: My Favorite Younger Brother

I really felt like this book and I GOT each other.  I might be closer to it than all my other young-boy books.  It’s not super clingy, or really bratty and annoying, or ADD like some of the others.  We could actually have a conversation that didn’t end in it farting.  So I think I’m going to keep it around.

During our last installment, shit hitteth the fan.  Eth. 

Frankly, I’m a little super-scared of all of you.  You pretty much unilateraly chose Option D: grab Jacob’s arm and the stake from your back pocket and get ready to fight? That potion was more potent that you thought.

One time, when I was about 13, I was watching TV in my room when I noticed a giant, fat spider on the floor.  I picked up a shoe and smacked the spider, which is when I learned that the spider wasn’t fat, she was pregnant (not the first time that sort of miscommunication has happened to me).  Tiny little baby spiders went everywhere.  I totally freaked out and ran from my room and wouldn’t enter it for a week afterward, and only then after my dad had vacuumed the entire room like 15 times.

What I’m saying is . . . I am not brave enough for option D.  But, alas, here we go:

You grab Jacob’s arm with your left hand and whip out the stake with your right.  “Okay,” you mutter.  “Let’s do this.”

“Let’s do what?” Jacob asks, looking down at you.  “And where did you get my stake?  Did you go through my stuff?”

“Um, yeah, and can we argue about it later?  We’re supposed to be beating the Big Bad.”

“The Big Bad?  Who are you, Buffy?”  Jacob asks this as he slowly makes his way down the stairs.

“Oh, like you didn’t have a giant poster of Sarah Michelle Gellar hanging up in your room all through junior high?”

 You’d like to continue this little spat, cause it’s taking your mind off the loud thumping on the door.  And also, cause, okay, Jacob’s pretty cute when he’s ticked off.   But you can’t delay the inevitable any longer, and you nod at Jacob and suck in your breath as he turns the doorknob.

“FINN!  What are you doing here?!?”

You barely even get the question out before Jacob is on top of him, pummeling his face.

“Jacob!  Jake!  Stop that!”  You tug on Jacob’s arms, which doesn’t work at all.  So, with a deep breath, you leap on him.

“What the hell?  Get off!” Jacob cries out as he stumbles backwards.

“Stop. punching. Finn.” you pant.

Jacob stops staggering and puts his hands up in a gesture of surrender.  You hop off and come around to face Finn.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he says, as he licks a line of blood that is trickling from his nose.

“Can it, douchebag,” you reply, crossing your arms.  “Here’s what’s going to happen.  You’re going to tell us how to save Kayleigh.  And you’re going to tell us how to defeat your crusty overlord.  And then maybe, just maybe, I won’t use this stake to poke a giant hole in you.”

“Uh, the stake won’t actually work on him.  He’s not a real vampire; he hasn’t transformed,” Jacob whispers to you.

“Oh, I wasn’t going to jam the stake in his heart,” you reply, pasting a saccherine-sweet smile on your face.

Finn gulps.  He casts a look to Jacob, finds no refuge, and sighs.

“Kayleigh’s under the Thrall.  Basically she’s a servant to Him.  She will let him feed off her, and as long as He does, He will grow more powerful.  The more power He has, the greater the thrall over Kayleigh, and the more she will let Him feed.  You can’t break the cycle.”

“We can throw a wrench in it,” you quietly say.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, obviously I don’t understand how this whole thing works, because I’m not a mysterious vampire scholar like you” – with a quick look to Jacob – “or a suck up with delusions of greatness like you,” you add, pointing to Finn, “but it seems to me that if someone is getting powerful from a supply of blood, you, well, poison the supply chain.”

“You want to poison Kayleigh?”  Jacob looks at you like you’ve grown a second head.

“No, I want to replace Kayleigh.  Get O Pasty Face a new blood supply.”

“But who?”  Jacob asks, confused.  You sigh deeply and say:

A) “Heather.”

B) “Neil.”

C) “Me.”

BOOK REPORT for gorgeous by rachel vail
see last Monday for the review of lucky, the first book in this series

bff charm: yay!
swoonworthy scale: 5
talky talk: right on
bonus factors: the devil, america’s next top model
relationship status: new bff

the deal: allison avery’s life sucks. her family’s having serious financial problems, her bff is a raging beeyotch, her teachers hate her, her two sisters are perfect, even her grandmother thinks she’s “interesting looking” – not pretty – and she sold her cell phone to the devil in exchange for 7 people thinking she’s gorgeous. um, what? she ends up being friends with the new girl, roxie, who lives down the street and life gets crazy.

bff charm: yay!

this is the 2nd avery girl book, and follows the middle avery sister. i loved allison — she’s cranky and bitter and snarky and totally 15. her inner monologue and rants against whacked-out-rich suburbia cracked me up, and her insecurity made me want to take her and say, “dude, srsly, it gets WAAAAY better. all those ppl who say high school is the best years of yr life are just losers in the long run. trust me.” plus, poor allison is stuck between overachiever quinn and her lucky, pretty little sister phoebe, who i gave a conditional bff charm to last week for when she grows up a bit (phoebe’s not annoying like dawn summers, but i do like allison better than phoebs). luckily, she has an awesome new bff, roxie, who kind of does this. and i want to give roxie a big ol’ bff charm, to0, for being AWESOME and not just for helping allison get through that early high school identity crisis and figure out how to be who she really is, instead of hiding all the time and letting bitch-friend-forever jade bring her down.

swoonworthy scale: 5

so allison has a total crush on hot jock boy tyler moss (can i just say with the exception of jade and quinn, this book has normal character names? THANK YOU RACHEL VAIL). luckily, tyler’s not yr typical jock like i went to school with – he’s actually funny and sweet and has a killer vocabulary. and he appreciates weird and independent. the flirting between allison and tyler is sweet and angsty, and you can feel yr palms start to sweat when they meet up at a party on weekends.

talky talk: right on

so rachel vail doesn’t mess around with trying to name drop, or technology drop or talk like some weirdo adult version of teenspeak. she just talks like a normal human being, and a lot like i did at 15. her characters are smart and witty, but not unbelievably or irritatingly so. it’s not spectacular or sparkling like john green, doesn’t make me crack up like meg cabot, but she writes a comfortable, solid teen voice.

bonus factor: the devil

so the devil shows up in allison’s bedroom to barter her cell phone for gorgeousness, and makes a few other appearances (he possesses the cell phone, by the way. um, TOTES embarrassing at times!). he’s a pretty awesome character, actually, and some of my favorite bits were the weird conversations allison had with him, and how she never tried to hide the fact that she sold her cell phone to the devil (even when it made her parents ground her for being a smart-ass).

bonus factor: america’s next top model

i’m starting to think rachel vail wrote this series while junking out on reality tv. lucky was all my super sweet 16, and now we have antm. what’s next? the bachelor? anyway, so allison skips school to go with roxie to a modeling audition, and ends up getting a callback. great, except she doesn’t want to model, hates getting her picture taken and is in ALL KINDS of shizz when her parents find out. oh, and her dad? i’m revoking that dad of the year award i gave him last week. dude needs to give his middle girl a break. i might give it to the mom, though – depends on how she acts in the last book, brilliant. but the parents are pretty realistic and good parents, trying not to raise douchebags. um, that had nothing to do with top model. oh well.

casting call:

tim riggins as tyler

yeah, i’m uncreative like that. hot jock? cast tim riggins.

olivia thirlby as allison

she has the right kind of quirky looks and personality to play allison. plus, she’s awesome, so why not?

samaire armstrong as roxie

relationship status: new bff

this book is my new bff. i txt with it all day under my desk at school, and stay up half the night on the phone. i’m trying to learn all about it, and still feel a thrill of excitement when it saves me a seat on the bus. the charm might wear off as we learn more about each other, and it turns out we have less in common than we think, but i still think we’ll always be friends (it won’t be that girl you talk to on the first day of camp, then regret for the rest of the week because she’s SO not your type, and now you’re stuck with her).

Yesterday poshdeluxe asked me to write an epic poem about Twilight.  Of course, she was just joking, but ha ha!!  I was serious!  (It’s why you should never jokingly challenge me to do something.  I’ve had food poisoning at least three times as the result of a joke challenge.)

Unfortunately, in case you haven’t noticed before, um, I can barely string five words together to form a sentence.  But those who can’t do, teach.  And those who can’t teach, rip off talented people!

So, I present to you all, my Don’t-Worry-It’s-Not-As-Long-As-Canterbury-Tales-or-Anything Epic Poem, The Hollow Minds.  (P.S. Sorry, T.S.)

We are the hollow minds

We are the stuffed minds

Listing together

Mouthpiece filled with flaws. Alas!

Our muffled voices, when

We whisper together

Are quiet and meaningless

As wind in dry grass

Or skin-sparkles like broken glass

In our dry cellar

Jorts without form, lips without color,

Aboriginal force, stalking without motion;

Those who have crossed

With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom

Remember us — if at all — not as flat

Banal souls, but only

As the hollow minds

The stuffed minds.

II

Vulva I dare not meet in dreams

In death’s dream kingdom

These do not appear:

There, the bits are

Sunlight on a jutting column

There, is a treetop swinging

And voices are

In the wind’s singing

More persistant and more solemn

Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer

In death’s dream kingdom

Let me also wear

Such deliberate disguises

Letter jackets, mirky skin, crossed staves

In a field

Behaving as the fog behaves

Growing nearer –

Not that final meeting

In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the ancient land

This is native land

Here the stone images

Are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man’s hand

Under the sunlight, a fading star.

Is it like this

In death’s other kingdom

Waking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with violence

Lips that would kiss

Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The will is not here

There is no will here

In this valley of weeping stars

In this hollow valley

This unhinged jaw of our worst kingdoms

In this last of meeting places

We grope together

But avoid bliss

Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless

The apple reappears

As the perpetual star

Multifoliate rose

Of death’s twilight kingdom

The hope only

Of empty minds.

V

Here we go round the prickly pear

Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear

At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the Publisher

ForThine is the Kingdom

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the Marketing Team

Life is very long

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Purity Ring

For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is

Life is

For Thine is the

This is the way literature ends

This is the way your childhood ends

This is the way our patience ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

happy friday, tributes!

i’ve got some good news for you guys! first of all, you’re still alive. so WELL DONE ON THAT. secondly, yr districts have decided to parachute some gifts to you in the form of RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME HUMOR. that’s right, it’s time to reveal the submissions from our “yr argument is invalid, the hunger games edition” contest. oh boy, there are some beauties in here!

in case you need a reminder in the form of le hotness, here’s the initial example i made:

please enjoy, and remember, kids, those berries are POISONOUS. sincerely, lizless w. hitivy.

submitted by meredith:

submitted by talya:

submitted by FYA jenny (double whammy!):

(sorry that one’s so tiny! that’s as big as it gets, which is a crime against gale’s gorgeousness)

submitted by FYA meghan:

submitted by FYA erin:

i think that pretty much puts an end to any and all arguments until the end of time, but in case you still felt any lingering doubt, here’s a final one from me:

i believe that’s, as the kids today would say, an official “BOOM!”

REPORT CARD for THE KNIFE OF NEVER LETTING GO by patrick ness

bff charm: yay
swoonworthy scale: 2
talky talk: aw shucks!
bonus factors: loyal pet, dystopia
relationship status: going steady

based on the v. high recommendation of jill, one of our lovely commenters (heeeeey girl!), i decided to give this book a shot, and WOW. i feel like that kid seeing a lobster for the first time cos WHOAH! WOW! WHOAH! i didn’t know anything about this novel except that it was dystopian, and my ignorance made the story that much more exciting. since i want y’all to have the same nail-biting experience, i will strictly abide by our minimal spoiler policy, which means this report will be sparser than usual. just don’t let my lack of detail dissuade you from picking up this literary piece of crazytown, cos it is totes B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

the deal:

todd hewitt is the last boy in prentisstown. all of the other males have reached the age at which manhood is bestowed, and all of the women died when todd was a baby. and as if that wasn’t cray cray enough, everyone’s thoughts are now… audible. um hello NIGHTMARE MUCH? not only does it suck to have everyone hear your secrets, it’s also a total mind f*ck because the sounds never stop. there is no such thing as silence, because even when people are asleep, their dreams are broadcast at full volume. um, i’m assuming the women died from MORTIFICATION?!! to escape this horrible cacophony known as The Noise, todd spends much of his time in the nearby forest swampland, formerly the home of the spackle, an alien race rendered extinct by territory wars with the humans. even without other guys around, the Noise persists, because GUESS WHAT. you can hear animals too! what WHAT!!!!! i know todd would disagree, but i think that is TOTALLY AWESOME, esp. if you’ve seen “up.” SQUIRREL!

as the story begins, todd is cursing his adolescence and killing time with his dog, manchee, who will not shut up about having to poop (LUV U MANCHEE). little does todd know that things are about to get completely and utterly UNSANE!!!!!!

bff charm: yay

it took me a while to warm up to todd, until i remembered that he’s a twelve-year-old boy. then i was like, “ooooh! now yr immaturity and extremely impulsive behavior makes sense! dang, i bet you kinda smell weird, too.” but, like any good hero, todd’s character improves tremendously as he faces a series of totally terrifying challenges that made me alternate between pumping my fist and closing the book so i could remind myself that my own life was not, in fact, at risk. because lord have MERCY patrick ness is cruel. we’re talking suzanne-collins-level, i.e. HARDCORE BRUTAL to his characters, and also to readers who tend to have problems separating reality from YA fiction. ahem. by the end, not only did i want to give todd a bff charm, i wanted to be, like, blood brothers with him (ok, not literally… well, you’ll see) cos he *yearns* to do what’s right, and it’s that motivation that makes him brave, which, in my opinion, is the best kind of courage.

swoonworthy scale: 2

y’all, this is a straight up adventure book. and that’s all i can say at this time (i’m starting to feel like an FBI agent or something. it’s kinda awesome, esp. cos I LOVE KEEPING SECRETS. SHHHH!!!).

talky talk: aw shucks!

i’ll admit, the narration in this book takes a little getting used to. todd’s dialect is pretty hick-ish, since he grew up on a farm and most of the book learnin’ stopped after all of the women folk died. fortunately, the story grabbed me so quickly that i couldn’t really focus on anything else besides OMG WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. patrick ness really keeps the action coming, in that “oh you think things are bad now? well… WHAT ABOUT THIS, SUCKAAAA?” kinda way. in other words, he gets all up in yr grill. fortunately, the speed of the plot doesn’t sacrifice the authenticity of todd’s inner struggles, and his voice rings clear and true, no matter how fast you turn the pages (and i turned ‘em pretty fast, y’all. we’re talking, animated flip book style).

bonus factor: loyal pet

honestly, i can’t believe this factor hasn’t come up before, esp. considering how many dystopia YA novels are coming out. then again, it’s not like the tributes would want to bring their favorite little puppy into the hunger games arena. anyhoo, todd’s dog manchee is MY FAVORITE THING IN THIS ENTIRE BOOK. he follows in the grand tradition of Loyal Pets (see: boomer in “independence day” and oy in “the dark tower” series) who stand by their owners no matter what because THEY LOVE THEM OMG!!!! manchee has the added bonus of actually being able to talk, which is nice cos lassie was great and all, but seriously, who can understand all of that frenzied barking?

bonus factor: dystopia

the environment in this book is definitely dystopian, but it’s also completely different than what you would expect. ness has created a world that, for me, is a refreshing change from yr typical the-government-is-evil, big brother blah blah blah. basically, this book is a whole new ball game, and i’m totally buying one of those big foam hands cos i am officially a superfan.

casting call:

unfortunately, i only get to cast one person due to the non-spoilery nature of this review (which sucks cos i am DYING TO CAST… some other people). but todd *is* the main character, and i’m pretty excited about my choice, even though he’s a tad too old at this point:

jesse plemons as todd

as landry on “friday night lights” (BEST SHOW EVER), jesse plemons is the perfect balance of humble and awkward, and i think he’s got the acting chops to handle all of the Major Shizz that todd experiences.

relationship status: going steady

this book and i are not just messing around– we are FOR SERIOUS. in fact, things are pretty intense between us, and i think i’m ready to take our relationship to the Next Level. i’m talking, of course, about reading the sequel, “the ask and the answer,” which is WAITING FOR ME AT THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW. GAH!!! i cannot stop thinking about it, to the point where i think i’m gonna cut class (gasp!) just so we can hang out *immediately*. everyone knows i’m a total goody goody, but when it comes to this book, RULES BE DAMNED. plus, if a teacher tries to catch me in the halls, i’ll just employ one of the numerous escape strategies i learned from my awesomely renegade boyfriend.

In case the squeals of a billion twihards haven’t yet reached your ears, the trailer for the next installment of the Twilight series, Eclipse, was posted on the internet superhighway today:

When I first wrote this post, however, I was going off the ten second preview of the trailer, which is pretty ridiculous. I can’t hate, though, because I’m pretty sure those commercials for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter are only about 15 seconds long, and yet anytime they appear on the screen, I announce in a booming, disembodied voice, “I AM GOING THERE.”

After the cut, I offer analysis of the new trailer, in haiku form (and one limerick).

Ahoy, Sparkle Vamp

Brow still furrowed?  What a shame,

Y’all still haven’t boned.

*

Hey K Stew, have you

ever tried to don a smile?

It’s just a question.

*

Last year’s jorts have been

replaced by Efron bangs, but

that is not hair gel.

*

There once was a girl named Bella

who couldn’t choose twixt two fellas

not that it matters

their characterization couldn’t be flatter,

but at least she’ll be able to wear a veil, ah!

Book Report for Spells by Aprilynne Pike

BFF Charm: Yay?
Swoonworthy Scale: 5
Talky Talk: Straight up with a side of disney princess
Bonus Factors: Faerie Lore, Trolls!
Relationship Status: My brother’s best friend

The Deal:

Things are going pretty well for Laurel, now that her parents know she’s a faerie, and they have promised not to sell their land in the country- where a secret gate to Avalon (faerie world) is protected day and night by sentries.  She still has her best friend, and her boyfriend, David, thinks she’s the coolest faerie on two legs.  She’s a little apprehensive when she’s summoned to Avalon to ‘catch up’ on her faerie studies, but at least when she’s there she’ll get to see Tam, the super hot sentry faerie who she can’t quite seem to say ‘no’ to.  But then, she still has nightmares about the trolls, who are still after her, and what’s with the crazy commando troll-hunting lady? Can she be trusted?

BFF Charm: Yay?

I like Laurel, I do.  I’m just not 100% sure I want to give her my charm.  I complained about her being bland in the first book, but I found her a bit more interesting in this one.  She’s really sweet, if a little lost and confused, and she has a nice quiet strength.  I think I’d like to give her a few years, to see how she grows up, because maybe my hesitation is just because I’m really too old for her.

Swoonworthy Scale: 5

Folks, this is a kissing book.  For reals.  However, maybe it’s the sweetness in which it’s told, or maybe Aprilynne Pike is a genius mastermind and she’s playing me like a fiddle, and will disclose the steamy in a future book, but whichever it is, I don’t particularly feel the swoon between Laurel and David. Tam, however, leaves my knees weak and gives me a little flutter in my tummy. I’m really looking forward to someone else reading this series, because I’d like to see if it’s just me that thinks this.  But to me, the chemistry between Laurel and Tam is Grade A Top Choice.

Talky Talk: Straight up with a side of disney princess

Aprilynne Pike handles the inner-workings of teenagers very smoothly, and even though I like my fantasy stories chocked full of a little more thrills and chills, she delivers on the story, and there’s plenty of excitement to go around, too.  I don’t mean any insult with the disney princess thing.  This story is just very sweet, and if it was a musical, I could picture Laurel bursting out with a little “I want to be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’…”

Oh, and Ms. Pike? That cliffie?  Thanks a lot.  You’ve insured that I will be reading the next one.

Bonus Factor: Faerie Lore

In this book we delve into some fantastic faerie lore that is both believable (you know, when you’re talking faerie lore) and really well thought out. See, these faeries have no wings. They’re plants, so the females ‘blossom’ in certain seasons, but trust me, this is way better than Tinker Belle.

Bonus Factor: Trolls!

I think more stories should use trolls as bad guys. ‘Cause they’re so bad, really. On a side note, probably one of the most quoted lines from a movie in my house is Ian Hart’s “There’s a TROOOOOLL in the dungeon! … Thought you ought to know…” (Because there’s this lady who, ahem, trolls around the dog park near our house, and she’s kind of… a troll. So we all say that line whenever we see her.  But not so she can hear. Maybe you have to be there.)

Casting Call:

Here’s where I’m going to get a little pissy.  Because Laurel is very clearly described in these books, looks-wise.  The closest actress I can think of who could resemble that description would be:

Mia Wasikowska as Laurel

HOWEVER, (see the all-caps, I’m irrate) a movie IS in the works, and they are in talks to cast:

The Toad as Laurel

Personally, I would cast her as one of the trolls.  And for the boys:

Lucas Grabeel as David

And need I remind you?

Tom Sturridge as Tam

Oh, Laurel, for my sake, please go back to the woods…

Relationship Status: My brother’s best friend

So this book is over a lot, and although it’s my brother’s friend (so it’s automatically gross) I find myself crushing on it a little.  Even though it walked in on me in the bathroom that one time, and has been known to tease me mercilessly on more than one occasion.  I wonder what might happen when we’re all a little older.