BOOK REPORT for Catch and Release by Blythe Woolston 

cover story: spine-tingling
bff charm: yay!
swoonworthy scale: 0
talky talk: straight to the gut
bonus factors: fishing, road trip, Edward Gorey
terrifying factor: MRSA
relationship status: unlikley besties

cover story: spine-tingling

So here’s the thing with this cover:  it scares the SHIT out of me.  I don’t think it’s meant to be scary – the book is about two friends who obstinantly go on a fishing trip – but it still scares my pants off.  I think it’s the empty hooks, just sort of dangling in the murky water, plus the font . . .  I feel like this book is going to be about a psycho hillbilly with three teeth who carve up unsuspecting teenaged fishers (after they have a party on the dock, drink, and lose their virginity, obvs) and then dangle their eyeballs in his aquarium full of body parts.

Somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly what they were going for, though.

the deal:

Polly and Odd weren’t friends.  They aren’t friends now, really.  They only know each other because they spent time talking at the hospital – they are the only survivors of a  lethal strain of MRSA which claimed the lives of the other five people it infected.  Three football players.  One lunch lady.  One baby.  Half of Polly’s face and one of her eyes.  One of Odd’s legs.

Polly’s picture-perfect plans of life after high school – graduating, going to a nice, 4-year school, settling down with her boyfriend Bridger – are all gone, and if Odd had any plans for his life, he sure as hell doesn’t have them now.  So when he shows up at Polly’s door and asks if she wants to go on a fishing trip, she decides to say yes.

While the two wander through the Northwest in search of the one that got away, they finally confront their lives-as-they-exist and come to grips with whether those lives are worth living.

bff charm: yay!

Ugh, guys, Polly and Odd really got me.  Like, straight in the gut!  What’s funny is that I’m not sure I’d have been friends with pre-MRSA Polly or Odd, but now that their friends have all ditched them?  Yeah, I kind of love them.

Polly is sick of being treated like rare glass by her mother, but at the same time, she’s afraid to go out of the house and confront the stares of people around her.  She’s bitter and confused and pissed off, but she still has a wry sense of humor about the entire situation and she’s obsessed with watching monster movies (tv is one of the few things, it turns out, you don’t need stereoscopic vision for).  I would SO pop some popcorn and watch the hell out of some Lake Placid 2 with this girl.

And Odd?  Odd is, well . . .  unhinged.  He is a jumbled mess of need, rage, and confusion, and I just want to pet him on the head, tuck him in and tell him it’s all going to be okay.  He’s such a good kid, in the best sense of the word, and even when it seems he’s gone off his rocker, he always has a very good reason.

swoonworthy scale: 0

At first I was a little frustrated that things didn’t turn swoony between Polly and Odd, especially because at the beginning of the book I just assumed they’d be getting together.  But I think it worked out better this way – this is a story about learning to love yourself, not someone else.  Just like they say in rehab (I’ve heard), first you have to take care of yourself, and then you get to take care of a plant, and then a pet and if after a few years you haven’t managed to kill any of those things, you can date someone.

talky talk: straight to the gut

Man, I was so damn weepy during this book!  It’s not even a sad book, as it goes, but it didn’t matter!  Half the pages are still damp with my tears.  Woolston’s writing is evocative and lovely, but she’s not afraid to make her teenagers sound like teenagers, either.  There were so many times I “DUBS TRUE” fist-pumped while reading this book that I can’t list them all, but here are two:

Fishing is all about lies, and not the ones people tell about the monsters that got away.  Fishing is about the lies we tell to the fish and the lies they choose to believe.

and

On the field they crash together, some fast shuffling, then the whistle.  Number 36 is down, not down flat-on-the-back down.  He’s down on his knees like he’s waiting for the executioner’s ax.  People move like ants when you flip over a rock, organized but frantic.

Bridger says, “Don’t worry.  He’s OK.”

. . . Number 36′s back is hunched, his head is tucked down, and his arm swings a little with his breathing.  Every little tick of the second hand is measured in pain.  I can see that; the clench of the body after each ragged breath, that’s the tell.

The others stand around him like bison, massive in the front quarters thanks to the shoulder pads, but narrow in the ass for speed.  You can see the calculation written in the evaporating sweat.  A broken collarbone means . . . and what they can do about it is . . . and what they can do without Number 36 is . . . .

What can we do without Number 36?

A person could never tell from this moment, frozen in the yellow light, that he has a sense of humor.  He wrote funny things on the whiteboards in empty classrooms and everyone, teachers and students, pretended we didn’t know who was making us smile.  In this moment, he is just a hurt animal, and that’s how I remember him.

But none of that matters now, because that game is totally over and Number 36 is totally dead.  His broken bone healed.  It healed stronger than before.  He got faster and bigger and stronger, but none of that matters.  Number 36 became Case One.

bonus factor: fishing

I actually don’t LOVE fishing, because (whispers) I think it’s kind of boring.  ALSO you know that scene in There’s Something About Mary (no, not that scene) where she accidentally hooks him with her fishing hook?  Yeah, I have done that like FIVE TIMES.  Once I accidentally did it to my GRANDPA, y’all.  I’m way too uncoordinated to fish.

That said, I loved reading about Polly’s fishing methods!  It made me want to get out on the lake and catch some catfish!  Instead I just ate a lot of fish while reading this book and then felt guilty about it.

bonus factor: road trip

You guys know I’m a sucker for a fictional road trip!  (I’m a complaining bitch about real road trips, though.  “Can we PLEASE change the station?  Where’s the nearest Buc-ees?  I HAVE TO PEE.”)  I loved traveling through Yellowstone (!!) with Polly and Odd, pretending I was seeing the sights (and drinking their vodka and whiskey).

bonus factor: Edward Gorey

At one point, Odd decides he and Polly need to write children’s books, since their former life plans are now out the window.  Polly decides the book should be about monsters and makes up little rhymes starting with each letter of the alphabet.  I couldn’t help but think of the Gashlycrumb Tinies.  As I threaten people that I’m about to die of ennui on a daily basis, I obviously had to make it a bonus factor.

terrifying factor: MRSA

YOU GUYS.  Nothing in the WORLD scares me more than MRSA.  It has scared me since I was a little girl and MRSA wasn’t even the name for it then and they just called it the “flesh-eating virus.”  I was always a fearful child (I was convinced that acid rain would literally melt the flesh from my bones and I once stayed inside the house for an entire YEAR because I’d read in the newspaper that African killer bees were spotted in my town), but nothing scared me then, or scares me now, like MRSA.  I know several people who have lost their lives to MRSA and many more who have lost their limbs and I spent the first half of this book wiping down every surface in my house with Lysol*.

(Though, as far as these things go, reading this book wasn’t as scary as watching Contagion on an airplane.  Guys?  Don’t do that.)

*Yeah, I know that’s why we have MRSA in the first place!  BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW???

(Also just searching for the above photo led me to like hundreds of photos of MRSA symptoms and I AM NOT SLEEPING TONIGHT.)

casting call:

molly quinn as Polly

Polly’s fair and redheaded, smart and spunky.  Obvs I choose Molly Quinn!

aaron johnson as Odd

For Odd, I needed someone who is unafraid to go a little unhinged.   I think Aaron Johnson fits the bill.  (Also, he’s, uh, grown up since Kick-ass.  Ahem.)

relationship status: unlikely besties

Book, let’s be honest.  Even though I’ve talked to your mom a few times on the internet, that’s no guarantee that we were going to hit it off.  When your mom sent you over to my house to play and included a postcard of floating (real) hearts and creepy dolls, it was definitely a bonus, but you still sort of looked like you might chop me up and sell my bodyparts on craigslist.  I was wary, to say the least.

But Book, you really surprised me!  I was drawn to you and your life story almost instantly, and I couldn’t wait to get to know you more.  We road-tripped together, talked about big issues, swapped jokes and cringed at the idea of anyone not showering for several days straight.  By the time our visit was over, I knew we’d be besties for life!  But you’re not allowed to talk about MRSA anymore.  Cause that shit scares me too much.

FTC Full Disclosure:  I received my free review copy from Blythe Woolston and Carolrhoda Labs (TOLD you they were killing it lately!).  I received neither money nor cocktails for this review (damnit!).  Catch and Release was released this Wednesday and is available in stores now!

No related posts.

So, for the past however many weeks, I started watching/have been catching up on The Vampire Diaries. And guys, that show is SO GOOD. I actually like several of the characters and everyone is attractive and THINGS ACTUALLY happen. But the worst part about my getting into VD (oh, that doesn’t sound right at all), is that it makes it even harder to watch The Secret Circle. WHY CAN’T THE SECRET CIRCLE BE VAMPIRE DIARIES?? I may or may not have starting plotting ways I can take out Jenny, so I can inherit her VD recapping duties. But instead of sexy, shirtless chests, you are here for your weekly dose ineffective witchcraft. So let’s see what happens this week!

Cassie opens her door. For once, she is at her own home. But if you think her grandma’s back, you’d be wrong. Teen Grandma is still at her yoga retreat or whatever bizarre excuse they’re giving to try and make us believe this women would perpetually leave her 16 year old orphaned ward alone. Also, is Teen Grandma still compromised? Seems like that story may have been completely dropped. Anyway, Adam is at the door, looking like a little girl selling girl scout cookies. Also, it looks like Cassie bought herself a hair straightener.

Adam is pissed about Cassie digging up her father’s grave. Which like…not really your business. It’s not like she dug up YOUR dead parent’s body. Plus, there wasn’t even a body, so it wasn’t even all that icky. But once again, it’s just Adam trying to control Cassie’s behavior. He’s implying that Jake is a bad influence on her. But really, I think his worry is that Jake’s penis is going to have an influence on her, HEYO. Adam wants the circle to figure out stuff about their past and powers slowly and carefully. Which totally makes sense to do things at a snail’s pace when people are trying to kill you constantly. Oh WAIT. Then Adam brings up their kiss, which I had forgotten about, and by the look on Cassie’s face, I guess she had repressed too.

Faye runs into Jake at some coffee shop. They engage is a “witty” back and worth and I really can’t be bothered to pay attention. Back at Cassie’s house, she stares intensely at her medallion and hides it.

Cassie opens her front door again and some random woman is there. She asks if she’s Amelia’s daughter. Turns out it’s the woman from the boat fire (the one who able to see Cassie, despite it being a MEMORY and told her to get out). Apparently her memory of that night has been the same for 16 years until a week ago and then her memory changed. Her name is Lucy and she is apparently a psychic. She says something along the lines of Cassie being in the memory altered the imprint of the event. Psychic Lucy says a witch hunter found her the other day and that they were asking about Cassie. Haven’t these witch hunters been “after” Cassie for about 7 episodes now? How is this new or interesting news?

Principal Lesbian Lover (PLL) is at home unpacking groceries. Somehow she has a cut on her palm and this is significant for unknown reasons. Harry Hamlin Lite (HHL) shows up at her door. PLL keeps trying to convince HHL to continue being her partner in crime. After she lied to people about how he HIT her? Yeah, I’m so sure, they’re totally going to be friends now. HHL proceeds to threatens her. Seriously…these two are so boring. They are so ineffective in any of their plotting. Sure, they kill some people every once and a while, but to what end? They still don’t have powers. Maybe they should get some hobbies?

Diana shows up at the Boathouse Bar of Boring Conversations. Adam’s 12-steps dad Ethan talks to Diana. He asks if Diana will help him throw a surprise birthday party for Ethan. Ummm, that’s weird. My parents never threw parties for me by the time I was that age, and they weren’t even alcoholics. I mean, pretty sure he’s at the age where he can plan his own parties or at least reasonably expect his friends to. And of all people, why is he asking Adam’s ex? Diana talks about how she filled his locker with COOKIES the year before. Good, they were the most boring couple ever. Adam walks up and hears them…so much for the surprise element. The party is THAT night – so what, exactly, does he expect Diana to do in a few hours? Also, is it a Saturday or a weekday? Do these people ever go to school? Unclear.

Cassie tells Jake about Lucy the psychic. For some unknown reason, Cassie is all “I don’t know if I can trust you.” Which…is something you only get to say BEFORE someone helps you dig up your father’s grave, not after. Cassie wants to figure out how to use the medallion, which she thinks will stop the witch hunters. If it’s so fucking magical, why did her dad just leave it on the ground then? Cassie says tells Jake something like “you’re finally making yourself useful.” WHAT? Why does Cassie think she can be such a B to Jake? Plus, there is this like zero continuity in this show? Last week she was defending him to everyone and ready to jump on his dong, now she’s being an asshole, even though he totally helps her out? And also, she ABSOLUTELY knows she can trust him now that he knows the witch hunters were behind his parents’ deaths. The writers of this show seem to be under the misinformation that they can create interesting drama by making the characters act angry or distrustful with NO rationale or precedent.

Cassie takes her medallion and harnesses the power of intense staring. Things start shaking. Cassie tells Jake to run away then screams that she can’t move. He knocks her to the floor and the shaking stops. Adam shows up, sees them on the floor and is angry. Last week I compared Adam to an inconvenient yeast infection, but I this week I feel like he’s more of a surprise period. Cassie and Jake get accidentally horizontal and then SURPRISE! Adam is there to ruin the fun.

Adam storms out of the building. Apparently he’s not mad about Jake, he’s mad about her using the medallion. He doesn’t want her using dark magic. Which is stupid, because it doesn’t seem like any of them possess any GOOD magic at the moment. They are hardly even witches at this point. Basically Adam is like, as much of a witch as I was in sixth grade when my friends and I would copy spells from The Craft. Adam thinks the circle is strong enough to protect them all. Like the last time the witch hunters came? Cause that was Jake who saved Cassie, not their circle magic. Or when Nick died? Oh yeah. Circle magic doesn’t do shit.

Faye and Melissa are at Boathouse Bar of Boring Conversations, talking about Cassie. Because all anyone on this show ever talks about is Cassie. Cassie is like the Lauren Conrad of witches. Faye shows Melissa her supernatural crack. Faye tries to convince her to take some, because she loves peer pressure. Snorting some unidentified white powder that Faye has seems like a TOTALLY good idea.

Cassie and Jake find psychic Lucy at a shady motel. The kind of shady motel where people get murdered really easily. She acts comically paranoid…actually whispering and darting her eyes around. They ask psychic Lucy about the medallion and she says she can find a spell to help them unlock its power. I bet she totally won’t die before that happens.

The motel door knocks and psychic Lucy immediately opens it, assuming its Cassie. But it’s PLL. That cut on her hand from earlier was apparently some old spell that told her Lucy was in town. Cassie gets home and opens her super secret hiding place, only to find her medallion gone. PLL harasses psychic Lucy about crystals. Cassie thinks Adam took the medallion.

At the Boathouse Bar of Boring Conversations for Adam’s super sweet 16. There are all these people there. Adam couldn’t possibly have any friends. So, are they there for Adam’s birthday…or just…at the bar/restaurant for dinner. Surprise, everyone! I know you came to order yourself a burger and a beer, but you are now you have been drafted to be of Adam’s birthday party.

Faye makes fun of Adam for having no friends (SEE!) and Melissa, for some reason, calls Diana brave and strong. Brave and strong…for hanging around her lame ex boyfriend and planning him boring birthday parties? Melissa, me thinks you don’t really know what those words mean. Oh, actually, turns out Melissa is just high from supernatural crack. That…explains a lot, actually.

12 steps-Ethan proceeds to make a toast. At a BIRTHDAY party? I mean, I didn’t even allow toasts at my own wedding. In fact, I’ve never made a toast at anyone else’s wedding. I mean, toasts are always, always a terrible idea. Diana gives a particularly awkward and awful toast because she kindly wants to help me prove my point. Two toasts at a birthday party? That is toast abuse.

I wonder how much Diana paid these people to be there?

Adam finds a sulking Cassie at his party. She accuses him of taking the medallion and he fesses up. And he actually has the nerve to tell her it was “because someone has to stop you before you hurt yourself.” Look, do me a favor Adam. If you’re going to be a controlling asshole, at least do us the favor of being the slightest bit attractive. Look, here is a screen shot of Adam’s smurf face.

This is your romantic lead.

Like, at least the Salvador brothers are sex on wheels. Even Robert Pattinson could be considered sexy, relatively, if you put him next to smurf face here. Look, I know I shouldn’t be focusing on looks here, but is it so much to ask that when I turn on my TV, I see people who are prettier than the people I see in real life?

Callum (aka the supernatural drug dealer) shows up at Adam’s party. Jake and Callum proceed to get into a pissing contest, because the men on this show are incapable of doing anything other than whipping out their dicks and measuring sticks anytime they see one another.

Adam proceeds to give Cassie her medallion back and says “I have no right to make decisions for you.” YES, Adam, that is what I’ve been saying ALL of this time. Cassie talks to Jake and asks him if he ever murdered a witch. That was something Adam accused him of doing but I was too bored by he and Cassie’s boring fight (and his smurf face) earlier to write it down earlier. Jake doesn’t say anything. So…he’s murdered people? That’s kind of a deal breaker. Unless you’re a vampire. In which case, it’s sexy.

Psychic Lucy shows up at PLL’s house. And fucking stabs her in the gut. Turns out she’s been working for the witch hunters all along and isn’t as squirrely as her over-acting implied.

Somehow HHL drugs 12-steps Ethan. He’s gets his crystal back. The circle shows up to meet psychic Lucy in the woods. The spell she made them perform absorbed all their magic into the medallion and they realize Lucy has betrayed them. Then Cassie just happens to remember the spell that makes the medallion work. And it seems…the medallion’s power is capable of…making flames move toward this lady in a way that doesn’t even hurt her. Cassie doesn’t do anything to her other than to tell her to leave and never come back. HA. Because that’ll happen. She tells Lucy to tell the witch hunters that they’re ready for them. Because…you have a medallion that can…harmlessly expand fire? If I had a flame thrower, I’d already be more powerful than Cassie’s magic. Sheesh.

Another magic ritual that won't do anything cool.

HHL arrives at PLL’s house, for whatever reason. He sees her dead on the ground from her gut wound. He proceeds to use the crystal to save her life. Which is a terrible idea, because PLL is a crazy bitch who is actively trying to take him down. If he thinks this act of kindness will change that, then dude hasn’t met enough crazy bitches. I was really, really hoping she would stay dead.

Melissa proceeds to meet up with Callum to get some more supernatural crack. She tells Callum that he reminds her of an old boyfriend. Because they both have no personality and are utterly terrible, I guess? Jake proceeds to text Faye for a booty call. Adam finds a stash of Diana made cookies. Lucy meets up with the main witch hunter from the boat. He slits her throat for failing. Guess she won’t be coming back, after all. Cassie practices with the medallion and proceeds to make things shake. That will be super useful in a fight I’m sure. Nearly as useful as the fire that doesn’t touch people. And then Cassie proceeds to say “Daddy”, even though Jake is nowhere in sight, heh.

And that was it! So…basically nothing happened. People whined and had boring conversations filled with fake drama. The witch hunters are still “on their way.” Cassie has a stupid medallion…which she already had at the end of the last episode. In a shocking (not) twist, Melissa is going to be the supernatural crack ho. Faye and Jake are going to press their genitals against each other, which may have the HORRIBLE effect of driving Cassie into Adam’s weak arms. Is anyone besides me still watching this?

Related posts:

1. Secret Circle 1×9: Balcoin
2. Secret Circle 1×12: Witness
3. Secret Circle 1×10: Darkness

Whew!  It’s been a rough two weeks without The Vampire Diaries to keep us stocked up on shirtlessness excitement.  I have to say, the #1 reason I’m so excited about this episode is because this is where we last left off:

Young Harry Hamlin is back!!!!!! And he’s punching out hearts!!!  So let’s get on with Bringing Out The Dead!

Klaus is surprised to see YHH, but tries to play it off and act cool. So YHH does a flying leap punch, and… Original Brothers Fisticuffs! *Drink!* Klaus is awesome,*Drink!* pulling a Damon being concerned about his renovations, and pulls the dagger out of a brother we haven’t met yet and threatens to dagger YHH again, but YHH is awesome *Drink!* and isn’t a-scared.  Because he thinks Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter will get revenge, if Klaus kills him again!  Right, he wasn’t around for the big disappointment that was. Klaus tells him that the reason he hasn’t undaggered the rest of the family is because Stefan has SOMETHING they all need. (Oh shit +1) Hmmm. Is that the something in his secret luggage compartment also known as the fourth coffin? He redaggers the other brother and closes the lid. What he doesn’t do is comment on the awesome haircut YHH got while he was on his coffin vacation.

Alaric is in search of aspirin for his hangover, and Alaric, Mr. President, you should know that what you need right now is not aspirin, but some coconut water and greasy food. It cuts the alcohol, trust. Oh no! He whiskey-dialed Mrs. Stefan at 2am! (Oh Shit +2)
George: You can whiskey-dial us anytime, Mr. President.

Mommy Sheriff rings the doorbell with news that the stake that killed the medical examiner is from the Gilbert family’s private weapons store, and has Elena’s fingerprints on it. (Oh Shit +3) Elena calls Damon, who suggests she ask Alaric if Mrs. Stefan had access to the family’s secret stash. Alaric is awesome *Drink!* with his use of the word ‘dick’. Elena is awesome *Drink!* with her assessment that it couldn’t be Mrs. Stefan on account of the impossibility that Alaric’s luck with women is that bad.

Stefan, Bonnie, and Bonnie’s mom are at his secret fourth coffin storage cave (who knew there were so many caves in Virginia?) and suggests they campout there until they get it open. Elena shows up and asks him if he killed the medical examiner, but Stefan goes all ‘I know you are, but what am I?”, asking if she’s asked Damon if he’s killed anyone lately, hmm?

Hi, are you a psychotic bitch?

At the hospital, Caroline thanks Mrs. Stefan for saving Daddy HRG’s life, despite the fact that he’s a less than grateful patient. Mrs. Stefan apologizes about her bedside manner, saying it’s a little rough on account of her not sleeping.
George: That’s not what Alaric said. Oooohhhh!
Caroline is disappointed to learn that her dad has already been discharged and didn’t even call her, but then she hears something! She and Elena follow the sound into a room to find Daddy HRG’s throat has been slit! AND he’s been stabbed! Which is kind of overkill, really (ha, get it? Over. Kill). (OH SHIT +4) Caroline pulls out the dagger just as I remember that Daddy HRG has Damon’s blood in his system, he wakes up!

In Stefan’s secret storage cave, Bonnie and her mom are studying a grimoire, and somehow by looking at a picture of a knot, discover that if they, as two generations of witches, do some sort of unbinding spell, they should be able to open the fourth coffin?  I don’t know.  I was taking an extra drink for good measure, and maybe I missed something.

Damon tries to get Stefan to join him in a meeting with YHH and Klaus, but what’s more important is we have a SHIRTLESS SALVATORE!!! *Drink!* Stefan tells him that even though YHH might still be mad at his brother, blood is thicker than water, and oh yeah, none of them actually trust each other anymore.  All on account of a girl.

Back at the hospital, Daddy HRG tells Caroline that he won’t drink blood to complete his transformation into a vampire, even though that means he’ll die. (Oh shit +5)

"Oh no, I totally accept your life choices, sweetie, but I'd rather die than become like you..."

Elena arrives home to find Alaric taking inventory of the Gilbert’s arsenal, and has brought the dagger that was used to stab Daddy HRG. And it’s also from the house! Somebody is stealing weapons from the Gilberts’ store and using it to attack Council Members!

Damon and Stefan arrive at Klaus’ place for dinner. Klaus is awesome *Drink!* and Damon is awesome *Drink!* trying to get Stefan to play nice. Stefan tries to play hardball with Klaus about family-killing, but Damon is awesome again *Drink!* and reminds him that when it comes to family-killing, Stefan and Klaus are kind of pot and kettle.

Caroline and Elena discuss Mrs. Stefan’s possible guilt, while Daddy HRG and Mommy Sheriff are inside the house. Caroline wants to make her dad drink to save him, but Elena reminds her that all he has left now is his choice. They talk about dead dads and have a sad *Drink!* Then Matty joins them, making it all better, like he does, with hugs and sweetness.
George: Have you ever noticed how much Caroline looks like Anna from Downton Abbey? Just, you know, with poofy hair and makeup.

Salvatore Brothers Sandwich? What Salvatore Brothers Sandwich?

Over dinner, YHH asks where Elena is, and Klaus is awesome *Drink!* in his gleefulness over the drama. So the Original brothers start telling the Salvators about Tatia, the original Petrova! And they were JUST like Stefan and Damon, both loving the same girl. (Oh Shit +6) And much like Elena and Katherine before her, Tatia couldn’t choose between the brothers, either!
George: So essentially Elena is like, the original vampire catnip?
So mamma Original used Tatia’s blood to turn them into vampires, and YOU GUYS! I have a new idea about who might be in the fourth coffin! Who? Another chance for Nina Dobrev to kick ass, that’s who! Anyway, YHH and Klaus tell the Salvatores that they decided to put each other first and forget all about the girl, but I wonder how that worked for them.

In Stefan’s secret storage cave, Bonnie and her mom are not having much luck opening the coffin. Bonnie has a heart to heart with her mom about how she was a deadbeat, and how she can make it all up to Bonnie by helping her now. They try the spell again, and it almost works! So Bonnie runs off to call Damon to tell him it almost worked? I’ve got a bad feeling about this. (Oh shit +7) While she’s all alone, the coffin busts open on Bonnie’s mom! (Oh Shit +8)

Damon continues to try to make the deal with Klaus, and while YHH seems amiable to it, Klaus tells them that there’s no way he’s leaving Elena behind. Not only does he need Elena’s blood to make his hybrids *Drink!* but he thinks that Damon and Stefan are the worst thing for her!
George: He does have a point.
Damon decides he needs some air, so Klaus takes a break to have a juice box *Drink!*.

Matt is walking Elena home, but when they get there, the electricity’s out! (OH SHIT +9) Then they see lots of blood! And bloody handprints! (OH SHIT +10) And they follow them! Upstairs! And Alaric is up there! Stabbed!!! (OH SHIT!!!!!! +11) Seriously, CW, this is SO NOT funny any more! PLEASE don’t let him be dead dead!!!!! NONONO!!!!!
George: MOTHER FUCK!!!
And then on the commercial break, it looks like Aunt Jenna is going to be on Supernatural, and while, yay her, because I mean… Dean Winchester.  But does she have ANY idea what’s been going on with Alaric since she’s been gone?!!!

He’s not dead! He tells Elena to kill him, so he can be healed! Because she’s the doppelgänger, she’s supernatural, so it should work, right? OH GOD, please let it work!!! Elena takes the kitchen knife she’s had with her and stabs him in the heart!! (OH SHIT!!!!!! +12)
George: That is some disturbing shit right there.
THIS HAD BETTER WORK.

Damon comes back and asks Klaus what his decision is, and Klaus suggests a new deal: that they all leave Elena alone, and that she marry Matt (Damon is awesome at this point *Drink!*) and have many children, insuring lots of future generations of doppelgängers. Damon’s all set to say no way, jose, but Stefan goes over to shake on it. But then he tells Klaus no way, jose! And that makes Klaus very angry! He breaks Stefan’s bones, and plunges his hand into the fireplace! (Oh shit +13) And YHH holds Damon back! Then Klaus sends Damon to go get the fourth coffin or he’ll burn Stefan alive! And tells YHH to help him, and that he’ll give YHH the rest of the family back once they’ve got the fourth coffin!

It's getting hot in here, so take of all your shirts...

Caroline and her dad reminisce about her old trophies for a minute before he asks her to respect his wishes and let him die. He tells her it’s all okay, and that she is exactly who he hoped she’d be. And I have a sad for them. *Drink!*
George: Caroline breaks down because the irony of her gay dad being so intolerant of her life is just too much…

Back at Klaus’, YHH hasn’t left yet! He tells Klaus that they’re going to do things on HIS terms!  YES!!!  And THIS is why the Handsome Club has missed you SO MUCH, YHH!  And he’s undaggered Martha, Tyrone and Enrique!!!! Or whatever their names are and Rebekah! Original family fisticuffs! *Drink!* YHH is awesome *Drink!* and tells the Salvatores that they can go now, because this is family business. (Oh Shit +14)
George: Oh, Snap. Crackle. And POP.

Caroline and her mom are crying over Daddy HRG on his deathbed, while Elena sits in vigil over Alaric’s body with Matt. They are all having sads *Drink!* and we find out that Daddy HRG has died. *Pour one out*. I’m having another sad. *Drink!*

The Salvatore brothers banter as they walk in the woods, and though Damon ignores Elena’s call, he and Stefan both confess their love for her to each other. (Oh Shit +15) WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO NOW?!!!

Elena is on the phone with Mommy Sheriff, who tells her that Mrs. Stefan has been at the hospital all evening, just as HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU JESUS, ALARIC WAKES UP! Okay, CW, that was the last time. You bettaquitit.

Damon and Stefan arrive at the secret storage cave to find Bonnie and her mom alive but unconscious, and the fourth coffin empty. Meanwhile, Rebecca is redecorating Klaus’ apartment by way of smashing things, while he sulks in that way that only he can, and tells them that it was all for them. Then they tell him that they’re leaving him, so he says he’ll hunt them all down and kill them. Aw, Klaus, dude. Make up your mind. The door opens, and in walks… their mom! (Oh shit +16) Aw man, just when I thought it would be Tatia! It WAS their mother all along? Klaus thinks she’s there to kill him, but she tells him she’s there to forgive him!
George: Whoah! Their mom is kinda’ Jesus-y.
And that she wants them all to be one big happy family again! (Oh Shit +17)!!!!

What the what?!!! Okay, the CRAY has officially hit the fan.  The ohshitometer reached a steady 17, but what did you guys think? I’m sad to say goodbye to Daddy HRG. And poor Caroline. Now, did you, like me, think Tatia was going to be in the coffin, or did you hold fast to our earlier belief that it was momma original? Will Tatia ever make an appearance? WHAT is momma original up to? I don’t know, but I’m super glad she didn’t kill Klaus.  His, er, character is just too scrumptious… And most importantly, WHO is attacking council members?!!!!!  Well, next week, we get a BALL in Mystic Falls! Can’t imagine anything going wrong there…

RIP, Daddy HRG

Related posts:

1. TVD: 3.12 The Ties That Bind Recap
2. TVD: 3.11 Our Town Recap
3. TVD: The Last Day Recap

BOOK REPORT for The Wind In The Door by Madeline L’Engle

cover story: totally trippin’
bff charm: make it rain/adoption
swoonworthy scale: 3
talky talk: fantastical
bonus factors: science, loyal pet, Body Wars
relationship status: childhood sweethearts

cover story: totally trippin’

Dude, turn on the black light and let’s get GROOVY. Seriously, is there anything better than sci-fi/fantasy covers from the ’70s? No, THERE IS NOT. Like, if this cover was a t-shirt, I would wear the shizz out of it. Who cares about three wolves howling at the moon when you’ve got a mysterious hooded man behind an insanely eyeballed dragon creature, a planet being slowly annihilated, a scary fish-type animal and a sleeping boy with a fro. Don’t do drugs, kids… just look at this cover and you’ll feel high as a kite!

I also totally dig this one, because the illustration of Proginoskes is LIKE WHOAH.

the deal:

In the sequel to A Wrinkle In Time (check out Jenny’s review here), Charles Wallace is NOT being appreciated as the darling genius that he is. Bullies at school are kicking his ass every day, and underneath the black eyes and bruises, he’s starting to feel sick. Really sick. The Murry family is worried, especially because the universe seems to be getting sick too. Desperate to help her brother, Meg and Calvin join forces with Blajeny, a cosmic Teacher, and Proginoskes, a cherubim who happens to look like a clustercuss of dragons. Together, they must fight the Echthroi, an army of beings who extinguish meaning and life like ravenous black holes…. and Charles Wallace might be their next victim.

bff charm: make it rain/adoption

Megatron, you continue to be the strong, independent gal I’ve come to love. You’re so smart and loyal that sometimes I forget you’re only a teenager, but then you remind me by TOTALLY FREAKING OUT when you have to quit hating on a certain asshole authority figure. (I agree, he’s a dick.) So yeah, you’re still stubborn as hell, but I’m glad. Who wants to be besties with someone who’s perfect? (I mean, besides Mandy Moore, obvs.)

Calvin! I wish there had been more of you in this book because YOU’RE JUST. SO. GREAT. You’re honorable and sweet and brave and you know how to wrap up a girl in those muscly arms of yours.

I’d also like to award a charm to Proginoskes (Progo), who is kind of full of himself, and rightly so. He’s got a billion eyes! He can disappear! He can travel back and forth through time! And, most importantly, he believes in a thing called love.

As for you, Charles Wallace, get into my family THIS INSTANT. I want to SMOTHER YOU with hugs, have a quick convo about the meaning of life then book you in a self-defense class.

swoonworthy scale: 3

Gah! I get that this is sort of a children’s book but COME ON. L’Engle, quit holding out on us! Meg and Calvin obviously love each other deeply, and that’s beautiful but WHEN WILL THERE BE PASSIONATE KISSING? They’re teenagers for goodness sake! It’s not like the Echthroi ate their hormones!

talky talk: fantastical

You guys, Madeline L’Engle was, like, on another level. I would say drugs were involved but I know she was religious so I guess she just had a baller imagination. This book is its own universe, complete with unusual creatures, unique lingo and plenty of mind-effery, and it doesn’t wait around for slowpokes to catch up. With that said, the story is founded on a universal truth we all understand: love is necessary for life. There are times when that idea is laid out a little too plainly, but by mixing it in with complex concepts (theory of relativity, anyone?), L’Engle keeps you speeding ahead on an incredible adventure.

bonus factor: science

I feel like I earned a PhD just by reading this book. Mitochondria! Farandolae! Other stuff! My scientific analysis of trailers is gonna be so much more advanced now, you guys.

bonus factor: loyal pet

So, we already know that Fortinbras the dog is a Murry’s best friend, but the real animal star of this book is a black snake named Louise the Larger. (In other news, I just found my favorite band name of all time.) Underneath her totes chill exterior, Louise is a fierce protector of the Murry kids, and even though I’m not the biggest fan of snakes, she made me want to cuddle her. Which is saying a lot because have you ever Google image searched “snake”? Yeah, DON’T DO IT.

bonus factor: Body Wars

At one point in the book, Meg and Co. actually land inside of Charles Wallace’s body. AWESOME! Their experience isn’t as scenic as the Epcot ride (RIP) but still, YES.

casting call:

I completely agree with Jenny’s casting, so I guess I’ll seize this opportunity to cast an adult! Cos that never happens! So yeah, I’m going with an FYA fave who can deftly switch from terrifying to awful to wonderful and back again.

Gary Oldman as Mr. Jenkins

relationship status: childhood sweethearts

When I met this book as a kid, I instantly knew we were kindred spirits. We played make-believe together like nobody’s business, and we laughed and reveled in the impossible. This book embraced curiosity and made me want to learn until my brain was swollen with knowledge. As an adult, I don’t quite connect with it in the same way, but I’ll always cherish those halcyon days of dreams and discoveries.

Related posts:

1. A straight line is not the shortest distance between two points.

Hey FYAers!  A few weeks ago, we posted a teaser chapter for this book, and announced that we were participating in a giveaway for the launch of a new company that will publish active and interactive fiction.  Well, that company is Coliloquy, and they have partnered with Amazon and Kindle to release books in a digital format, giving authors and their readers new ways to interact via books told from several points of view, serials and episodic story-telling.  Read on for my review and enter to win your very own Kindle with the Coliloquy platform already loaded onto it!

BOOK REPORT for Arcania by Liz Maverick

Cover Story: Thank God it’s on a Kindle!
BFF Charm: Yay
Swoonworthy Scale: 4
Talky Talk: Straight Up Gamer Style
Bonus Factors: World Building, Choose Your Own Adventure
Relationship Status: I like hanging out with this book when I’m at my friend’s house

Cover Story: Thank God it’s on a Kindle!

Half-hidden face, girl in a mirror, sparkles? If this cover wasn’t only visible on my Kindle, I’d be brown-bagging it for sure.

The Deal:

Adia’s a bit of an underachiever, but what does it matter? Her twin sister was born with Arcania in her system, and went off with their parents to the spell caster’s world to fight in the battle to save Earth, leaving Adia in charge of taking care of her younger sisters.

All of that changes when Adia wakes up, and her sister’s powers have been transferred to her. Now she has to leave everyone she cares about behind to go to the school on Arcania and join in the fight against the Synelv — that is IF she can figure out how to use her newfound powers and win a spot on a fighting team… without getting herself or anyone else killed.

BFF Charm: Yay

Adia’s got guts, and if I were on a team fighting to save the Earth, I’d definitely want her on my side — even if she didn’t have her powers, because she’s level-headed and kind. What’s more, with this new platform, I get to help her make decisions, which might take a little bit of the spontaneity out of the relationship, but allows me to trump Ariel. I AM part of that world, bish!

Swoonworthy Scale: 4

There’s definitely sparkage flying around between Adia and the school’s top shield, classic Mysterious Loner Dude, Grey. But what happened with Gray and her sister in the past? And why is he so tortured? Can she trust him?

Talky Talk: Straight Up, Gamer Style

Maverick’s writing harkens back to classic serials — it’s full of action and suspense, doling out little tidbits to let you get to know her characters along the way. While I enjoyed this book’s aesthetic, I’m pretty sure it will really appeal to folks who enjoy RPGs. Why? Read on!

Bonus Factor: World Building

Each fighting team is made up of Arcanae with different talents: you’ve got your spellcaster, your shield, a rogue and a healer, at least. And they all have to work together when they travel to different planes to defeat the evil Synelv.

Bonus Factor: Choose Your Own Adventure

You all know how much we like CYOA around here, and with this new platform, it looks like we’re not the only ones! So, much like our own CYOA, readers get interact with the author as each book is being written!

Relationship Status: I like hanging out with this book when I’m at my friend’s house

So, no surprise, I love reading. I also love playing games. But RPG’s tend to either not interest me or stress me out (that tiger in the very first level of Tomb Raider nearly gave me a heart attack) so I tend not to play them on my own. But when I went over to my friend’s house to play a game with her, this book and I met, and we really hit it off! I mean, we don’t quite have enough in common for us to hang out on our own, but I totally look forward to seeing it each week at game night.

FTC FULL DISCLOSURE: I received my review copy from Coliloquy via The Mix Agency. I received neither money nor cocktails for this review (damnit!). Arcania is available for Kindle here.

Want your very own free Kindle with Arcania, plus three other new books from the Coliloquy platform already loaded onto it?

To enter to win, submit a poem — in haiku form — in the comments about technology: your love for it, your hate for it, your love/hate for it! Here’s my very own:

Former technophobe
Now techno dweebic, is lost
without her iPhone

We here at FYA will vote on the submissions and pick a winner next week! Be sure to subscribe to the comments so we can contact you!

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1. Adult Literary Fiction Can Bite Me: A YA Manifesto
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Hey LadyNerds!  How is your progress towards becoming living, breathing Downton Abbey LadyNerds coming?  Is your ratafia steeping?  Have you painted yourself a teacup?  Have you tried your hand at some boozy marmalade?  Great!  You’re well on your way to being able to host a kickass Downton Abbey viewing party for the final two episodes!

But wait!  You’re not quite ready yet!  Because what kind of LadyNerd swans about without some sort of hat or hair fascinator on her head?  No kind of LadyNerd, I assure you!  But in case you don’t want to drop 14 bucks at Forever 21 buying something that will fall apart in a week and was made by starving, indigent child workers, we’re going to show you how to make a fascinator in the comfort of your VERY OWN HOME!  You can even use your own children as child labor, if you want; that’s totally legal!  (That’s totally legal, right?)

Now, before you freak out and think, “but Erin!  I have NO CRAFTING ABILITY WHATSOEVER!  I can’t do this!” please remember that you are speaking to the QUEEN of No Crafting Ability.  If No Crafting Ability were a country, not only would I be your wise and kind ruler, but I’d probably put our country into irreversible debt by attempting to buy out half the products in the local craft store and then turning them into a giant glob of weirdly-sparkled foam, or whatever.  Things go wrong when I touch them, is what I’m trying to say!

So we’re going to figure out how to do this together!  Let’s all grab a drink (I guess that drink will have to be a bloody mary or a mimosa or a michelada or a bellini, so that we can meet the correct requirements for Day Drinking) and learn how to make fascinators together!

I didn't use all of this!

Supplies:

• Fabric
• Cardboard (I used shirt boxes left over from Christmas)
• Tulle
• Feathers
• A Button, Brooch, Cameo or other kind of focal point
• Ribbon (if desired)
• A hair comb or alligator clip
• A hot glue gun, unless you actually have skills, in which case, a needle and thread

PRO TIP!   Don’t spend a lot of money on buying fabric by the yard!  You don’t need that much and that’s expensive!  Fabric stores usually have this basket called Remnants where you can buy, well, remnants of fabric that are left over from yardage that other people have bought.  I scored two totally sweet fabrics: a grey wool and a pink and white houndstooth.

and I got 'em for cheap, too!

Okay!  Let’s do this!  Your first step is to create a circle out of cardboard.  To do this, trace a small circular plate or a bowl on some cardboard.  You may need to do some adjustments on the size here – it kind of depends on how gigantic your head is.

the tracing process

Then!  Cut out your circle!  After you’ve got a circle of cardboard, cut a small pie piece shape in the cardboard.  You want to make the pie piece cutout fairly narrow.

the bigger the pie piece, the more conular your cardboard ends up being.

Using your hot glue gun, glue the cardboard circle together, so that you get a small cardboard mound.

These fascinators are meant to be worn towards the back of the head. If you want something to wear near the front of your head, you need to just cut out an oblong piece of cardboard

You might want to do a head check and make sure that your cardboard fits your head correctly.  I typically pin my fascinators in on one of the sides of my head, sort of towards the back.  (If I were in school, I’d say I pin it right at the crest of the parietal bone, but I don’t know how to say that in non-geek speak.)

Oh, never mind!  Here’s a photo of the skull with an asterick where I wear my fascinators!

science makes everything better

But maybe you’d rather wear your photos closer to the crown of your head!  It’s up to you!  But measure your cardboard base against wherever that is!

Okay!  Time to make this cardboard look pretty!  Cut out a (larger) circle of fabric and then carefully hot glue the fabric to the cardboard by glueing the edge of the fabric onto the underside of the cardboard.  There’s probably a better way to do this, but fuck if I know what it is.

just make sure you pull the fabric taut

Next, you can choose to put some type of ribbon or cording around the edge of the fascinator, if you’d like to.  I put some white cording around the edge of my grey wool fascinator, because otherwise it looked too boring.  I used hot glue to do this, too, because I use hot glue to do EVERYTHING.

Next!  Prepare your tulle!  I just measured how much I wanted by holding the tulle over my face at an angle and then cutting it accordingly.  But that was only after my daughter and I ran around our apartment with tulle over our faces, screaming, “I’M THE WIDOW BRIDE!”  We have issues.

Once the tulle is cut, you have to gather one end together to attach to your fascinator.  Now, if you are a reasonable Lady, you will use a needle and thread to put a few stitches in the end of one side of the tulle.  If you are a Nerd, like me, you’ll realize you don’t own a needle and thread (told you I wasn’t crafty) and so you’ll just gather one side of the tulle up and put a rubber band on it to keep it together.  Stay classy, me!

yeah . . . there's probably something fancier I could have done here

Hot glue (or sew) your gathered tulle end to your fabric-covered cardboard! 

Next!  It’s time for feathers!  Feathers are a necessary component of any fascinator, otherwise you won’t look like a stuck up rooster.  And if you don’t look like a stuck up rooster, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT?  I just sort of put my feathers into the rubber band.  Again, there’s probably a better way to do this.  I dunno.  Can you tell I made all this shit up on the fly?

Now it’s time to hide all that mess you made by covering it with a kickass button or brooch!  I hot glued (duh) mine, but if you are adept, I presume you could sew on the button in whatever way it is that people sew on buttons.  (I just replace my shirts when they lose buttons.  Sewing buttons is for people who invest more than three dollars in the shirts they wear.)

you can barely even see that bright green rubber band!

Once your fascinator’s all finished, you need to attach something underneath it that will allow you to keep it clipped into your hair.  Lots of fascinators have little hair combs sewn in on the underside, but A) we’ve already established that I don’t sew and B) those combs never stay in my (super thin) hair.  So I hot glued (obvs) an alligator clip to the underside of my fascinator.  Alligator clips are those clips that your hairstylist uses to keep your hair pinned up.  You can buy lots of little ones at a craft store or a beauty supply store.

the clip should be glued in so that the part that opens points inward, obvs

Et, voila!  Your finished fascinator!

a pink one

the grey one

See, that was easy, right?  Okay, so you probably can’t wear it to a Royal Wedding but you could certainly wear it on Sunday nights while watching PBS!  And all the tulle and feathers will transfix your cat!

So you should hie yourself to the craft store and make your own fascinator!  You are pretty much scientifically guaranteed to do better than I did, so just think of it as one of several ways to best a person you’ve never met!  Have fun!

Related posts:

1. Make it Sweet and Simple Like Daisy (or: How To Be A LadyNerd, Downton Abbey Edition, Part 3)
2. How To Be A Downton Abbey LadyNerd: How To Paint Your Own Teacups!
3. How to get drunk like Lady Grantham (or: How to be a LadyNerd: Downton Abbey Edition, Part 1)

BOOK REPORT for Emily of Deep Valley by Maud Hart Lovelace

cover story: classic
bff charm: yep
swoonworthy scale: 3
talky talk: easy, breezy
bonus factors: kooky old gramps, Minne-fuckin-sota, life after graduation
anti-bonus factor: Alcott-style progressivism
relationship status: like spending time with an old friend

cover story: classic

The most recent release of this book takes (what I believe is) the drawing of Emily from the original cover. This was such an appropriate choice, because the original illustrations are not only charming but provide instant nostalgia and familiarity to all of us Betsy-Tacy readers. I am so pleased the publisher hasn’t tried to “sass” up these covers to make them look like new releases.

the deal:

Emily Webster and the class of 1912 are graduating from high school. For Emily’s friends, it’s the beginning of a new chapter in their lives as they prepare to go to college. But not for Emily. Despite her love of learning and her academic achievements, she will be spending her next year at home. She is an orphan whose only living relative is her elderly grandfather and she feels it is her duty to take care of him. When her classmates leave home, Emily becomes lonely and depressed during her “lost year.” But with a little dedication, Emily eventually finds that learning can take place outside of the classroom and you don’t need college to grow as a person.

bff charm: yep

Emily is more or less the embodiment of many of my personal social fears. She is by no means an outcast, but she has never been on the inside of a crowd either. Her role is that of the fringe friend – occasionally invited to parties or outings, but often left off the guest list. It’s not uncommon for her to hear her friends talking about something she wasn’t invited to – and she’s almost never invited to the exclusive girl-boy parties. Basically that social paranoia that many of us get (which why I adore the title to Mindy Kaling’s book – Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me And Other Concerns) is a reality for Emily. And part of that is Emily’s own doing. She let’s everyone else do the talking and always defaults to the listener role. Plus, a lot of social status is (unfairly) based on whether goes on dates or gets courted – and Emily has little luck in that department.

So Emily’s journey is a very classic Coming of Age, in that we see her change both internally and externally. It’s a slow process, but Emily isn’t reinventing herself – she is just growing the confidence she always deserved to have. She proves that sometimes it’s good to be apart from the people who know you well – that sometimes you need to be around people with no set expectations of you. So while she might not be the most wild and exciting girl in the world, Emily’s got a good heart and would make a great friend. I would be happy to be her friend and treat her as an equal, not as the back-up friend. Her choice in men might make me want to smack her a bit (more on that later!) but we’ll get over it.

swoonworthy scale: 3

Emily spends most of the book hopelessly crushing on a royal juicebox of the first order. His name is Don and he and Emily are “friends” from the Debate Team. Which essentially means Emily is worth talking to at Debate, but in real social settings, Don completely blows her off. Some of the things Don does include (but are not limited to), negging on Emily, acting like he’s too damn good for anyone or anything, only spending time with Emily when no one else is around, ragging on Decoration Day and forcing Emily to take his school picture without even bothering to take one of hers in return (I mean, WHAT, seriously??!) The worst part is that Emily is totally aware that the things he does and says are total asshattery, and yet she likes him anyway. Which is why I wanted to smack Emily upside the head, until I remembered that in high school I had crushes on several variations of Don. Is it a requirement that all teenage girls have at least one crush on a guy who totally shits on them/won’t give them the time of day? Or did some ladies out there manage to possess some sort of common sense gene many of us seemed born without? That said, Don is the worst.

Luckily, Emily meets our Don-foil Jed. Jed is confident (without being cocky), compassionate, fun, smart and a total looker. So while there wasn’t exactly any sexy times (1912!), there was still some good old-fashioned courting.

talky talk: easy, breezy

Similar to L. M. Montgomery, Lovelace’s books often appear to be written for an audience much younger than the books’ protagonists. But unlike L. M., there are 90% less flowery descriptions to wade through. Which means Lovelace’s books are breeze to read through. But the simple language can still pack a punch. For example, when Emily is looking at a photograph of her mother:

For the first time the photograph seemed to take on reality. Her mother had been eighteen once, and she had graduated. She had known this strange feeling that something was ending which you have never really expected to end.

A strange feeling, indeed.

bonus factor: kooky old gramps

Emily’s grandfather is maybe a little senile, but completely lovable. He is a Civil War veteran and loves going on and on about his time as a soldier. Plus, he loves Emily and is super kind-hearted – especially toward children.

bonus factor: Minne-fuckin-sota

If you read a single Lovelace book and don’t want to live in fictional (but based off the real town of Mankato) Deep Valley Minnesota, there is something seriously wrong with you. Minnesota is the shit, end of discussion.

bonus factor: life after graduation

You’re going to be hard pressed to find evidence of it in very many YA books, but apparently there is life after high school. I love that this book begins at graduation, because it’s such a life changing time and seems to so rarely get the attention it deserves.

anti-bonus factor: Alcott-style progressivism

This book has some seriously good intentions, but its dated look at race and class made me feel all sorts of uncomfortable at times. Deep Valley has a large Syrian population and Emily befriends some children who are members of that community. Emily does a lot of great work – trying to help integrate her young friends with the “American” children and also providing English lessons to their mothers. Emily is one of the few people in town who treats those she knows in the Syrian community as equals. But. But. Everyone’s insistence at referring to “The Syrians” (as though they are one homogenous blob of people with no variation or individual personalities) began to grate on me. And every one of “The Syrians” that we met filled the role of the stereotypical, grateful immigrant. They were all just so humble and hardworking and religious and appreciative. ALL OF THEM. So yeah, the intent is positive, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t occasionally find myself squirming in my seat.

casting call:

Mia Wasikowska as Emily

Nick Krause as Don

Josh Hutcherson as Jed

relationship status: like spending time with an old friend

I missed this book growing up, but when reading it for the first time now I had an immediate connection to it (which, I suspect, any Betsy-Tacy fans would). This book was comforting and familiar, like spending time catching up with a dear old friend. This book will never be a replacement for Betsy-Tacy, but it is a solid companion and just further reminds me how I want to spend more time in the world of Maud Hart Lovelace.

Related posts:

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Hey guys! Badass contributor Meredith here to remind you that pilot season is upon us! This time last year, the upcoming network fall lineup resembled a bleak landscape of dudes piled on top of bros, a wasteland for the badass babes among us, with tons of shows about how it’s tough to be a man surrounded by women (Man Up, Last Man Standing) and a few shows about how women in the 60s were hot (Pan Am, Playboy Club). Slim pickin’s. And what few woman-centric shows seemed promising, turned out to be either racist (2 Broke Girls) or twee-city (The New Girl), so I know better than to hold my breath that the shows I’m about to list for you will live up to their premise. Still, this week, three new network pilots were picked up, and all three have got me more than a little excited about the Fall 2012 ladies lineup.

SUPER FUN NIGHT, CBS

I absolutely love the sound of this! CBS has ordered a pilot called Super Fun Night, a sitcom starring the fully hilarious and original Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, Ghost Rider, tons of great stand-up, random Australian television) and two other as-yet uncast ladies who will embark on a “funcomfortable” quest to have a “super fun night” every Friday. That is an absolutely delightful concept! Presumably, every episode will take place on a Friday night, in a sort of serialized, stand-alone format, featuring the three ladies getting into ill-advised hijinks every week. I rather imagine, although this is conjecture, that the consequences of one week’s caper will rarely affect the following week’s episode, except during sweeps. At least, that’s how I’d write it.

Off the top of my head dream casting, I’d love if her two friends were played by Heather Matarazzo (Welcome to the Dollhouse) and Alison Pill (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World). Ooh, or maybe Suzy Nakamura (10 Things I Hate About You show)! Possibly Tina Majorino (Veronica Mars), or Dana Davis (also 10 Things I Hate About You show) could be great, too. Oh, I can’t decide! Who else would be good?

Two concerns: it will be multi-cam, and I have some serious concerns about multi-cam, laugh-tracked shows. Also, it’s on CBS, so I fear a glut of racist/sexist/homophobic/weightist jokes. I really kind of wish this winning premise would air on any other network, but hey, maybe CBS is trying to improve? Just please don’t let the showrunner be Michael Patrick King.

FIRST CUT, CW

The CW has ordered a pilot from Dan Jinks, the producer behind Pushing Daisies and American Beauty, and Jennie Snyder Urman, a writer on Gilmore Girls, called First Cut. It’s a dram-com (is that a thing? Do people say that? I’m saying it.) about a new doctor who’s happily leaving behind the world of school in which she was a total nerd, only to learn that being a nerdy adult in a hospital feels an awful lot like being a nerdy kid in high school. It’s a cute premise, and I really do love Pushing Daisies and Gilmore Girls. Both shows had a wonderfully quirky Northern Exposure vibe, with endearingly oddballtownies existing in a heightened reality, speaking impossibly quick and clever dialogue. Both shows also boasted an absolutely lovely aesthetic, very playful and theatrical, and I’ve always sort of lumped the two shows together in my mind (possibly because my friend Mandy hooked me on both). So I’m definitely interested in a new show springing from the braintrusts behind Pushing Daisies and Gilmore Girls.

That is–as long as the Powers That Be avoid any “adorkable” traps. Make this lead character legitimately nerdy. I don’t want her to be a hot chick in glasses, you hear me? Heed my words!

Untitled Hilary Winston Project, NBC

Community writer Hilary Winston has written some of the best episodes (“Politics of Human Sexuality,” “Beginner Pottery”), and she was also a writer on the super cute for some time “My Name Is Earl.” She’s currently writing on “Happy Endings,” which I haven’t seen, but people keep telling me to watch it. And I love this summary of her new pilot: “a shy woman seeks revenge on a fiancé that dumped her, with a little help from co-workers and friends.” Uhm, that sounds GREAT, like a cross between Legally Blonde, Sabrina and Community, which I think we can all agree sounds pretty fab.

You can read about the other fall pilot pick-ups here. Which ones float your boat, ring your bell, or tickle your yawn reflex?

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WHAT UP Y’ALL. I just drank two shots of espresso to insure that I have enough brain energy to analyze everything that happened in last night’s episode of RINGER. Which, in true CW form, consisted of some vaguely forboding hints, an awesome FACEPUNCH and a whole lot of anti-climatic moments. But before we get into this recap, let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that RINGER IS BACK! And we’ll finally figure some shizz out! Just kidding, that will never happen.

So, I decided to change some things up with our RINGER recaps. Instead of going through and describing every scene in this episode, I‘m condensing all of the insane details into one gigantic (organized) clustercuss of cray. Sorta like how you would recount rumors in high school, i.e. ONLY THE GOOD STUFF.  So let’s start gossiping!

Cliffhangers: 1

The end! Will Siobhan tell Henry the truth?!!! Although honestly, the real cliffhanger here is DOES ANYONE IN AMERICA CARE ABOUT THESE TWO PEOPLE? Because I certainly don’t.

Flashbacks: 1

After a weird Norman Bates shower scene, the episode flashes back to two days before. The technical term for this technique is “pulling a JJ Abrams.”

Fave Outfit:

Between Sibohan’s frumpy trenchcoat and Bridget’s red blouse with a bedazzled collar, the show didn’t give me much to work with. So I guess I’ll pick Bridget’s shimmery black fundraiser dress, because it had the benefit of being paired with some SMOKIN’ HOT SILVER CHAIN EARRINGS. Forever 21, you best be working on a knock-off.

"Siobhan, I don't want to alarm you, but you seem to have misplaced your waist."

HEY NA NA SEXY EARRINGS!

Moments when you wish you were as rich as Andrew (Rich Envy): 7

One point for that DEE-VINE bathroom, one point for having a penthouse posh enough to host a fundraiser (and not care if guests steal any of yr shizz because YOU’RE RICH! YOU CAN REPLACE IT!) and five points total for all of the times Bridget flashed that hugeass diamond ring.  Don’t get me wrong– I don’t want that ring, I just want to be rich enough to AFFORD that diamond ring. Because, you guys, that ring is worth, like, a trillion cases of champ cans.

Moments you miss Buffy (Buffy RIP): 2

Look, although it was indeed awesome when Bridget-As-Siobhan (BS) punched Mr. Carpenter (Logan Echolls) in the face, you KNOW that if it had been Buffy, she would have taken that asshole DOWN to Chinatown. Or the Hellmouth, as it were. And it would have been reeeeally satisfying. Also, I threw in a point for missing Willow, because Juliet’s friend is fine and all, but she just doesn’t have those sweet Willow eyes (nor the taste for vengeance, which, again, would have been cool to see rain down on Logan Echolls’ ass).

What the hell happened:

Siobhan is in New York! But Bridget has bangs now so we can tell them apart! THANKS SHOW!

BANGIN'

BS meets a former friend of Siobhan’s named Greer who gives her peonies which reminds BS of the envelope she saw at some point in the show that I can’t remember but it had the word “pivoine” on it and that stands for PEONIES! SINISTER FLOWERS! BS tries to befriend Greer through working on the school auction, and Greer keeps saying vague shizz with dramatic emphasis like, “I never told anyone what I saw after THAT WEEKEND” and “You threatened me about what I saw THAT WEEKEND” and “Remember there were peonies ALL OVER that hotel… the HOTEL PIVOINE. IN BOSTON. I shall never darken its doorstep AGAIN after WHAT HAPPENED… THAT WEEKEND” Also, she totes knows about Siobhan & Henry’s (Heinous) affair.

Heinous and Agent Richard from Lost both do not believe that Charlie shot himself after killing Gemma… using Bridget’s gun. Agent Richard from Lost goes to the Hamptons and a sassy waitress tells him that she saw Siobhan and Charlie talking together. I really wish she had said “in cahoots” instead because that phrase is seriously underused in today’s society. Also, note to self– always tip a waitress well, or she might incriminate you in a murder investigation.

The boulder of a ring that Andrew gave BS doesn’t fit her. She keeps taking it off. But then Siobhan steals it! Because she’s in the penthouse! Because she’s copying Andrew’s computer files! Because she wants to find his company’s financial records and prove that he’s embezzling! Or something! Also, she sees BS and Andrew being all lovey dovey and she’s totally grossed out and I’m like, look, lady, you’re the one who wants to bone Heinous so you best not be judging.

FYI, Siobhan, it's not considered PDA if the couple THINKS THEY'RE ALONE.

Malcolm is a comp sci professor and can’t find a job, so Andrew hires him to create PowerPoint charts for him. No really, that happened.

Siobhan finds Heinous on the street and is all I MISS YOU and YOU’RE AN AMAZING WRITER and I don’t know what else because this scene really grossed me out so I got busy with the corkscrew. Oh but then she stands him up later because she’s busying downloading documents at the penthouse. Then Heinous shows up at the fundraiser and is all I’M DONE WITH YOU to BS but THEN the next day Siobhan shows up at his place and he tells her “It’s like you’re two different people” and the life expectancy of this show is totally based on the stupidity of the characters, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!!!!

Tyler calls Siobhan from Paris because apparently he still really really wants to be on this show. And also to remind us all that we could be living in Paris and eating fresh croissants all day but WE’RE NOT.

Andrew and BS host a fundraiser for Juliet’s school at their posh penthouse, and of course Juliet freaks out because Logan Echolls will be there, and he raped her right before winter break. So, to deal with her anxiety, she decides to dress like this:

"I will conquer my enemy, just as a trapeze artist conquers the tightrope."

Juliet starts drinking to cope with the situation (understandable), and then she drunkenly yells catty comments at Logan Echolls and makes a scene, which prompts BS to find out what really happened in a really sweet stepmother-daughter moment. And then BS punches Logan Echolls in the face because that is the only appropriate action and IT IS AWESOME! But Juliet gets upset, because now everyone knows her business, and Andrew beats himself up for caring too much about PowerPoint charts that say “$212 Million” instead of his own daughter’s well-being. BS reassures him that they will get through this as a family but this is a CW show so we know there is a 99% chance that won’t happen.

So that’s the dish! What do you guys think? What’s gonna happen next? CAN YOU BELIEVE JULIET WORE THAT DRESS?

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1. Ringer 1×7: Oh Gawd, There’s Two of Them?
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Happy February, you guys! The days are getting longer, the nights are getting shorter, and there’s king cake in the grocery stores! Also, it’s time to turn the page on your FYA calendar! Ha, I’ll bet you thought we forgot, didn’t you? But not this early in the year, luckily.

Last month, we brought you our Twilight parody, vastly improving that cover by gracing it with a delicious champ can, but this month we chose an FYA favorite to honor, rather than one to lampoon.

It’s a time of year when everyone’s thoughts turn to Valentine’s Day, whether they like it or not. When, as the weather warms up (at least here in the south), love — or at least candy — is on our minds. And who else would we turn to at a time like this but Cameron Quick? Sure, he might not be there when we turn to him, but we can’t help but hope a little. And then make a stiff drink to recover from the inevitable heartbreak. So presenting, in honor of Sweethearts, the February calendar downloads:

[Click on the above image for the PDF of the calendar]

[Click on the above image for the desktop wallpaper]

Sniff! Make mine a double, please. And do let us know if you have suggestions for future cover covers! Cheers!!

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