Forever Young Adult » Slambook

The Official FYA January 2012 Calendar

Poshdeluxe — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:30:32 +0000

Happy New Year, you guys! It’s 2012! LIKE WHOAH! So, I have a feeling this year is gonna be pretty great. I mean, the sequels to Divergent AND Delirium are both coming out! FYA fave Rebecca Serle’s hotly anticipated debut novel is being released! We can finally watch The Hunger Games movie and see if it sucks or not! And, best of all, the last Twilight film is hitting the big screen in November, and the drinking game for that one will surely bring on the apocalypse.

In honor of this epic year, we at FYA decided to follow in the footsteps of the Calendar Girls and make our own calendar! But minus the nude part! Obviously! (What kind of website do you think this is, anyway?)

At the beginning of each month, we’ll publish a calendar for you to print out for your wall or use as your wallpaper desktop. And instead of posing nude, because no, we decided to recreate YA covers… with an FYA twist! Of course, we had to start with a YA icon. Twilight has spawned many, many imitators, but I think it’s safe to say that we totally blew them out of the water with this WORK OF GENIUS:

[Click on the above image for the PDF of the calendar]

[Click on the above image for the desktop wallpaper]

Damn, January is already looking SPECTACULAR, don’t you think? And if you have any suggestions of covers you’d like us to tackle, let us know in the comments. HAPPY HAPPY HOUR, Y’ALL!

In which we get a guy to review Breaking Dawn, Pt 1

John — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:21:54 +0000

Here at the ladyfest known as FYA, we occasionally ~~coerce~~ convince a real live dude to write about YA on our site. Given that most guys pull a Fred Savage when they hear the words “young adult,” we appreciate the rare opportunity to include a male perspective. But thanks to our Irish friend John, we might be seeing more dude-ishness around these internet parts. Early on, John appreciated the amazeballs awfulness of the Twilight movies, and he pretty much begged Posh and Jenny for a seat next them at the midnight screening of Breaking Dawn. In return, we asked him to share his brutally honest and totally hilarious take on the movie with all of you. You may agree, or you may get totally pissed off, but regardless, it’s great to have a boy back in the girls bathroom.

P.S. We recently got John to read The Hunger Games trilogy, so keep an eye out for his upcoming Mockingjay review.

I like the Twilight films. I like them a lot. I just don’t like them as they are intended to be enjoyed. I laugh at Twilight films a lot. Belly laughs. Horrified laughs. Laughs of disbelief. This isn’t me trying to be “too cool” for the series; I’m clearly not in the target market for this fiction. I came to this film series out of curiosity and I have stayed for the audacious level of awfulness that pervades it. This post is a reaction to the latest installment. I have never read the books, and I have no plans to do so. Ever. EVER.

Breaking Dawn assumes the crown of best/worst Twilight movie. It’s a masterpiece, really. Despite the low depths to which the earlier films gleefully plunged, despite the unrivalled ability of the two principal actors to make a scene feel like they have the ability to slow down time itself to fit in more boredom, and despite my preparedness (oh, damn my hubris!) for really crazy gender issues, this film ensured my jaw remained solidly open for long stretches of time. Nothing that has come before this in the series is even remotely as insane as what happens in this film. The male characters have never been creepier, the vampire characters have never been more bland or less interesting, the central character of the entire series has never been more infuriating and, frankly, never been more outrageously political in a way that I am not sure belongs in fiction aimed at young girls. Well no, allow me to correct myself. I am completely sure that politics like this (read: extreme) should not be in fiction aimed at young people of either gender.

Let’s get started then… The film starts with Bella being awkward (aww… bless!) in some high heels while Edward Cullen stands on a balcony looking forlorn and, crucially, ignoring the central character of the story, the woman he is about to marry. He just stands there looking out on to the veranda while his weird doctor “dad” carries wooden benches around on one shoulder. Incidentally, this begs the question, yet again, of just how stupid the residents of Forks have to be. We are way beyond Clark Kent and spectacles at this point. I mean, there has to be some kind of construction industry or events management in the Forks area, right? It’s a small town. There’s probably one contractor and everyone would know who it is. He or she would be upset they didn’t get set-up job for the Cullen wedding. Ok, only a few hours’ work, but hey it’s cash, and who did they get to move all that equipment and vintage wooden furniture that we are supposed to think grows naturally in the wild in Washington?

Anyway. Sorry.

So, Edward then turns up in Bella’s bedroom, because this is considered completely normal at this point and has been their standard courting procedure for four films now. He then does the forlorn thing and tries to talk her out of marrying him. The night before the wedding. He doesn’t deserve her, and this upsets him so much that he wants to make sure that her big day is ruined by him complaining. This is a theme, by the way. There’s more, though; he is not undeserving because of the usual fake humblebrag reasons, but because he has a murky vampire human-killing past. You see, Edward was a crime-fighting vampire, who would stalk nineteenth century American towns solving crimes, feeding only on would-be rapists and attackers. This horrifies him, because he’s the worst vampire ever, and has absolutely no effect on Bella whatsoever, because she doesn’t care about human life and just wants to make sure that Edward is comfortable and that he has everything he wants. Meanwhile I’m waiting for the flashback where he’s wearing a full on deerstalker a la Sherlock Holmes. It’s beyond terrible, makes no sense, was admittedly quite funny, and serves absolutely no purpose in this film except to show that Edward is an inconsiderate idiot who is constantly creating drama for no reason. Again: this is a theme.

So, the wedding happens, and to be honest, I found it very boring. Meyer’s cameo was pretty hilarious. The “first kiss” is predictably gross, and all I could think of was how young people today probably haven’t seen the scene in The Wedding Singer where Drew Barrymore describes a socially acceptable wedding kiss. Pro tip, kids: don’t make out on the altar. It’s gross. At the wedding ceremony, Edward brings Bella out to meet Jacob, because he’s understanding and he’s so secure in their love, and he can’t pass up the opportunity to have a huge amount of drama on the day that he is getting married. Jacob gets upset because Bella and Edward will do sex on their honeymoon, and this will kill Bella. Bella, in what is another theme in this film, is fairly convinced that the power of human will triumphs over scientific fact. Now that I think of it, Bella Swan has a lot more in common with Mao Zedong than I realized. Shortly after a meaningless shouting match, more guests get upset, and as is traditional at a wedding, share this with the young couple directly, because it’s not like this is an important day or anything. Then everyone gets together to cheer the fact that this guy is taking an 18 year old girl into his Volvo and driving her to a secret location. Bella’s dad points this out, and how we all laugh. Silly Charlie. They’re in love! Everything will be ok!

This secret location is an island that the vampires own. They have their own island. This has never been mentioned. This family has the means to charter their own private jets, they own a speedboat, and they own an island, and they have never mentioned this. How have they never mentioned that they own an entire island? Complete, of course, with a beautiful house and quaint native American house helpers, who walk around speaking Portuguese and performing admirably as typically racist caricatures. Then, Edward and Bella have sex. It’s hilarious.

From this point on, it is made abundantly clear that the male characters in this film are creepy, possessive jerks. In the previous film, this was mostly implied. Blindingly obvious, but implied. In Breaking Dawn… So, after the obligatory sex has been conducted, Bella is reminiscing about how AMAZING it was when Edwards points out that she has bruises lining her arms. She points out that she doesn’t care, that she loves him and the sex was good, and I really don’t have the strength to get into all of that. It’s creepy. What is more creepy, in my opinion, is that Edward then expresses remorse and refuses to have sex with her for the rest of the honeymoon. So, let’s get this straight: the groom finally yields to his bride’s insatiable (and let’s face it, sinful) urges, but then decides to use sex as a weapon against her by denying it to her for the next two weeks. Really.

Then, Bella is somehow magically pregnant. I say “magically” because this is treated as the biggest plot twist in modern fiction. Basically, we have been subjected for years now to a story about werewolves whose clothes magically grow back after transformations Hulk-style, vampires with iridescent diamond skin, and a weird Vampire-led illuminati operating out of Italy, and the biggest shock in the series is that an 18 year old woman got pregnant after she had sex? This is a joke, right? I mean, we’re all in on this one, aren’t we? RIGHT??? Edward’s reaction to this is to immediately become a caricature of the evil boyfriend who rejects God and worships abortion doctors. There is a lot of grabbing the phone away from Bella, yelling at her for being the reason that sex is inherently bad (pay attention, ladies!) and bringing in previously mentioned racist caricatures to glower at her and cry out in Portuguese.

This film turns into a very badly written political discussion piece on abortion. Really. I mean… Why would you do that? One of the most divisive issues in modern society, and you introduce it into fiction written for teenage girls? What? For no reason whatsoever, Bella and Edward now swap positions on the value of life. Bella suddenly starts talking about her baby and how the baby must live no matter what. At one point they tell her that she will die and the baby won’t make it anyway and she decides to try anyway because, you know, life is a miracle and like, she loves the baby so much, you know, and like… It’s really, really awful. Incidentally, I am not making any assumptions about the “correct” position in this argument. I just know this argument shouldn’t be happening in this film.

Meanwhile, the film has been busy introducing characters that I’ve never heard of while introducing subtle hints that pedophilia is an acceptable practice if you’re a werewolf. I wish I was joking. The best scene of the series so far, by a country mile, brings us a mad fevered dream of a run through the forest by a werewolf that ends with some kind of Model UN meeting between a bunch of CGI wolves having a heated discussion telepathically. There’s a lot of yelling while these wolves mug for the camera, and nothing really gets resolved, except that for some reason the entire werewolf community has gotten involved in this idiot’s (Jacob’s) teen drama. Also, there’s some kind of doggy face-off and power struggle, but the whole thing has less gravitas than a Beethoven film.

As the film is coming to an end, the filmmakers suddenly introduce some horror elements, and actually almost make it interesting. Bella drinks blood milkshakes, and it’s extremely disgusting and pretty cool. She has also by this time become horrifically emaciated. The whole “physical horror of childbirth” thing actually has a bit of a theme going for a while. Then there’s a deliberately vague scene that glosses over the disturbing specifics of the child’s birth, Jacob falls in love with a baby, and Edward injects an enormous syringe into Bella to try and save her life, then biting her all over her body including at least one rude place. It’s really, really odd. Also, werewolves turn up and they have another conversation and they explain that now that Jacob loves the baby, they can’t attack because pedophilia is the most important component of werewolf culture. Why they can’t murder everyone there EXCEPT the baby and Jacob, and then live happily ever after except for a weird conversation on adoption and parenthood at Thanksgiving dinner at some point down the road, is never adequately explained.

Also, I want to post a pro tip for my fellow dudes out there, particularly the younger dudes who may actually be in a “love triangle.” Hey, I’ve been in one or two. First of all, there is no love triangle. There is a person in the middle who likes attention. Secondly, if you marry a girl and she insists that this other dude be included at all times, and she wants to name your first born after him (unless it’s a girl, then she’ll make up an embarrassingly stupid name instead), you should leave her. Because guy, I’m telling you right now, she’s planning for a few “mistakes” after too much wine going forward. You know, while you’re out of town, attending the vampire conference?

I think the weirdest thing about this film is that despite all of the madness I just described, I walked out of the cinema feeling like nothing had really happened. I suppose, what did happen? A teenager got married, got pregnant, refused to include her father (or her mother) in an extremely important moral and medical decision, and then some werewolves shouted at each other. This series is insane. Bring on Part 2.

The Official FYA Breaking Dawn, Part 1 Drinking Game

Jenny — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:21:20 +0000

ARE Y’ALL READY FOR THIS?!!! No, seriously, are y’all ready for the insanity that is going to go down in this movie?!!! Need a drink (or ten) to help you prepare/get through it? Well, last night Posh and I braved the cold (haha, who am I kidding, we’re in Austin!) and the lines to see this movie at midnight, JUST so we could bring all of you, dear readers, The Official FYA Breaking Dawn, Part 1 Drinking Game!

If you’ve been watching cast interviews, or following us on Twitter, you might wonder what there could possibly be to drink to, since Taylor Lautner let slip that since this installment of the Twilight saga was “really character driven”, he only takes his shirt off once. (But Taylor, sweetie, being shirtless IS ~~a good distraction from the bad source material~~ part of your character!) Anywho, never fear! Between the two of us, we found PLENTY of things to drink to, so print these out, stuff your pockets with those little bottles of whiskey, and head on out to your local theater!

OFFICIAL DRINKING GAME RULES:

Take One Drink When:

Edward bites a human
Charlie makes you cry
There’s a toast at the wedding
The movie tries to justify Jacob’s impending imprint
For each of the bruises Edward finds on Bella the morning after (Bella just fell down the stairs is all)
The pro-life vs. pro-choice theme makes you uncomfortable
The camera pans to Jasper
Seth Clearwater is adorable
You feel deathly afraid of being pregnant
The Cesarean Dentata occurs
Michael Sheen appears

At The Alamo Drafthouse, they served this delicious Sangria in a blood bag!

Take a shot when:

Charlie declares his own hotness.
Stephenie Meyer appears.
Edward breaks the headboard.
The getting-ready-for-sex montage occurs.
You see the ‘science!’ of Bella’s insides.

Chug for the duration of:

The wedding kiss
The Volvo commercial
Any vampire sparkling
The wolf telepathic pow-wow (This one might kill you)
Bella drinking blood

Empty the bottle/glass for:

THE IMPRINT

This is, uh, 3 bags in...

Comrade Cullen says “Bottoms Up!”

A Highly Scientific Analysis of The Hunger Games Trailer

Poshdeluxe — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:15:35 +0000

Hey, tributes! So, as you all know by now, the new Hunger Games trailer was released today. And this one’s not just Katniss running around in the Twilight woods. It’s, like, actual footage of stuff that happens in the movie! And it looks… pretty good! In fact, a few seconds in, I started to worry that I wouldn’t have any material to hate on in my analysis. Then I saw Gale’s face. And Peeta’s hair. And then this science lab was BACK IN BUSINESS.

So mix up a cocktail in yr beaker, roll up yr sleeves and let’s ANALYZE THIS SHIZZ. Note: If for some reason you haven’t read the entire trilogy (lucky you), be aware that there are spoilers in this post.

First, let’s observe the subject in its entirety so we can make careful observations.

Now, let us proceed with SCIENCE!

The Seam definitely looks pretty crappy! The only thing missing from this rural tableau is a hillbilly wearing a barrel.

“Wait a second… I’m supposed to be *attracted* to you?”

This scenery > Gale’s face.

Dude. CLOSE YR MOUTH. Seriously.

“I was an extra in the Hunger Games, and all I got was this lousy hair gel.”

The Reaping! Looks good.

Effie! Looks CRAZY! But in a totally fabulous, this-might-need-to-be-my-Halloween-costume-next-year kinda way.

Prim! Ok, I might be sad when she explodes. Maybe.

Yes, Gale, the Reaping is the PERFECT time to try out yr Blue Steele on Katniss.

J-Law is rocking the tough-as-nails Katniss. But would it kill Hollywood to fug her up a bit before the Capitol makes her over? Hey, I know! Just throw some glasses on her! That always makes girls seem uncool and ugly!

I can’t believe Effie doesn’t have her own polish in the Hunger Games line because those nails are FIERCE.

ACTING!

With that big head flower, Effie is obvs an Anne Geddes fan.

So, Katniss, here’s the deal. You’re gonna be caught in a love triangle between this guy:

And this guy:

Sound good?

Look, ma, CGI!

Makeover montage! Excellent! I hope there’s a catchy pop song involved.

Cinna! You know, I think Lenny Kravitz might actually be awesome in this character. And at the v. least, there’s finally a hot guy in the movie.

Now I kind of wish Caesar Flickerman was hosting the Oscars.

Ho ho ho, kids! Merry Hunger Games!

Obviously, the Capitol has not figured out zoom technology. Ooo IS THAT A COCKTAIL?

This shot feels like it’s straight out of a dance movie. The Hunger Games: Step up and DIE!

From this angle, Peeta actually looks ok. Let us pray that all of the arena cameras are set low to the ground.

DAMN YOU, COLLINS!

Cato has definitely been training at the Cobra Kai dojo.

Finally, INTENTIONAL douchey-ness. I’m digging the boy band facial hair.

So basically, Cinna and his team just made Katniss’ hair look big and pretty.

They… did not do the same for Peeta.

Ahhh, Prim gives Katniss the Mockingjay pin. Funny, that also happened in the totally fake script we read!

This scene in the book made my almost pee my pants from terror. It looks like it might do the same in the movie, minus the terror part because Cinna’s “Rock on!” head nod = HILARIOUS.

This countdown is a great way to build up the tension so that it can be totally destroyed by Gale’s moping.

I get that the trailer needed to present the premise of the film, but I wish they had shown more scenes from the Games, because this was totally the best part:

I GOT CHILLS, Y’ALL!

I GOT NO CROISSANTS, Y’ALL.

Sorry, Katniss.

So, fellow scientists, what did you think? Excited? Appalled? Wondering where it said in the book that Peeta’s bad hair is crucial to his character? LET US CONVO.

Picture Pages: Marcus Flutie

Poshdeluxe — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:12:21 +0000

If you’re anything like me, you do a fair amount of Google image searching every day. Obvs I do it for strictly professional purposes, like finding YA book covers and shirtless pictures of Thomas McDonell. Honestly, I have no idea how people got their ~~lust on~~ work done before image search was invented. But even though Google is super smart, it is constantly dumbed down and effed up by the internet masses. Like, for ever appropriate image I find, there’s a dozen that make ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE. But instead of simply shaking my head and scrolling onward, I’ve decided to harness this WTFery for all of your enjoyment! Because that’s exactly our skill set* here at FYA!

Welcome to our new series, Picture Pages, in which we Google image search a YA-related noun and judge the shizz out of the results! In keeping with the internet’s attitude, we will analyze these pictures on a completely superficial level: we won’t click on any of the images so we can refrain from learning any context clues. Because we choose to remain ignorant! Just like a good internet commenter should!

Sound good? For our first subject, I chose the esteemed and dead sexy Marcus Flutie. LET’S GO, INTERNET!

*Drinking is implied.

1. OK WHAT. The V. FIRST picture that comes up in Google Image search is some random dude with dreads? FAIL. I wanted to add about ten more NOs but then you wouldn’t have actually been able to see the image. (Which isn’t a bad thing, really.) Internet, I thought we both understood that Marcus Flutie having dreads is something we all need to PRETEND NEVER HAPPENED. And don’t think you can fool me with that kitten. No amount of cuteness can hinder the fire of my judgement upon this travesty!

2. It’s a quote from the book! I can’t really discern the pattern within the letters but yeah, this is kosher.

3. I’m guessing that someone thinks Pacey-era Joshua Jackson could have played Marcus Flutie. That someone is obvs wrong, but I went with a “?” instead of a “X” because I didn’t want to incur Erin’s wrath.

4. I gave this image a check, because that’s a quote from the book, but then I had to add an X to account for the shirt’s total fugliness. Just say no to Cafe Press, y’all.

5. It’s Megan McCafferty! Being pretty!

6. What does a cheesy quote mug filled with hot chocolate at Christmas time have to do with Marcus Flutie, God of Sex? Well, they are both things I crave but… that’s about it.

7. It’s boring, but it is from the book, so I’ll let it pass.

8. Um, is that the dude from Incubus? Internet, COME ON.

9. Just looking at this shirt gave me tingles. YES, YOU! YES!

10. Well, well, well. If it isn’t the FYA MLD icon! How APPROPRIATE and INCREDIBLY ACCURATE.

11. It’s lots of photos of hot guys! Note: No matter what I’m Google image-searching, this type of picture will ALWAYS get a check.

12. The iron-on letters aren’t quite right, but yes, it’s a replica of one of Marcus’ day-of-the-week shirts. I could’ve used a bit more arm muscle on the model but c’est la vie.

13. I’m confused. This is a quote from the book… but it’s printed on someone’s wrinkled senior portrait. Quois?

14. Again, why so skimpy on the biceps, Internet? Still, there’s no dreads, so this one gets a check.

15. Aw, 10-Things-Era Heath Ledger would have totes made an excellent Marcus. Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye…

16. This picture AGAIN? Really?! I’ve gotta give it an X for taking up a space that could have featured a photo of, say, Tim Riggins.

17. I love JGL as much as the next gal, but his ability to rock a suit would be totes wasted on Marcus Flutie.

18. This picture reminds me of the 4 W’s of Journalism: WHO. WHAT. WHERE. WHYYYY?

19. Is that Andrew Garfield? Guys, look, the dude will be a cute Spiderman, but can you picture him lasso-dicking? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

20. This picture needs to go back to where it came from, and that place would be A WORLD OF NO.

21. This guy looks familiar. Is he on a CW show? In other news, I don’t care.

And that’s the end of our inaugural session of Picture Pages! Do you agree or disagree with my analysis? Leave yr judgement in the comments. Because that’s what the internet is here for!

Pretty Little Liars 2×9: Picture This

More adventures in babysitting

Meghan — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:20:20 +0000

Kids! Good news! Dad and I know how much you love having a babysitter — you get to stay up later, and watch tons of TV and eat ice cream — and we know it’s been a long time. With the economy the way it is, we just haven’t been able to scrape up the cash or the energy for a night out in a while. But our .005% COLA increase kicked in this month, so we’re going out to celebrate with PBJ sandwiches in the park and leaving you kiddos with a sitter. Yay! Unfortunately, the only ones we could afford are these sanctimonious 12-year-olds who won’t let you watch TV and will make you learn macrame from an activity book in the Kid-Kits they tote around everywhere, but hey, life isn’t fair and the sooner you learn that lesson the better.

Since it’s been so long since we last heard from Kristy and co, here’s a quick refresher of the drinking game rules:

Take a drink when

Stacey’s diabetes is mentioned
Kristy calls an emergency meeting
Stacey or Claudia call Mary Ann or Kristy babyish
Mary Ann cries or blushes
Claudia gets candy out of a hiding place in her room
Someone describes what Claudia is wearing
You want to take Kristy aside and tell her it’s OK to be a lesbian
Mimi’s Japanese accent is described as “rolling”, Claudia has “almond eyes” or any variation on the OMG Japanese! theme
The babysitters say something pretentious or lame about being babysitters (i.e. “We babysitters have to stick together!” or “That’s because we’re responsible babysitters!”)

Plus these new rules:

the other girls talk smack about Claudia’s schoolwork
Watson is referred to as a millionaire, having a mansion, or some variation on this theme
Dawn eats tofu or some other stereotypical California health food, or whines about the Connecticut weather

The review structure:

Number of drinks taken

The plot and narrator’s subplot

The most insufferable babysitter

Claudia’s best outfit

Mr. T’s verdict

Babysitters, GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

BSC 4: Mary Anne Saves the Day

in which Mary Anne finally stands up for herself, Kristy can’t handle it, and Dawn moves to Stoneybrook

Number of drinks taken: 27

The plot and narrator’s subplot

The babysitters have a massive fight because Kristy steals a good job and unleashes months of pent-up hormonal frustration and they call each other names like “job hog” and “baby”. Then Mary Anne finally snaps and tells everyone to shut up and TELLS THE MOTHER-LOVING TRUTH and storms out. She gets a massive fist pump from me, and it should totally be the end of the book but nooooooo, we have to have 153 more pages and another damn babysitter and hugs. In that 153 pages, Dawn moves to Stoneybrook and Mary Anne decides to make Dawn her new best friend (and finds out her dad used to bang Dawn’s mom in high school). Of course, Kristy feels cockblocked and retaliates by being even bitchier, and Stacey and Claudia don’t care because they’re swanning around in stirrup pants and banana clips, and Mary Anne gets drunk on her power and challenges all her dad’s overprotective rules, stopping just short of getting a tattoo on her ass that reads, “Who’s the baby NOW, bitches?!?!”
Oh, yeah, she also saves some kid’s life from fever or something, and her dad and Dawn’s mom start doing it.

The most insufferable babysitter: All of them

Hello, they almost ruined a four-year-old’s birthday party with their squabbling! Jeez, talk about going against the Babysitter’s Code of Conduct.

Claudia’s best outfit: none! I know! I hope this doesn’t happen again, because I live for those outfits. We do get a peek at Mary Anne’s high sartorial aspirations, though.

Mary Anne’s dream outfit:

Just once, I’d like to go to school wearing skintight turquoise pants, Stacey’s “island” shirt with the flamingos and toucans all over it, and maybe bright red, high-top sneakers. I’d like to create a sensation.

Mr. T’s verdict: not at MY party

One at a time, the girls are ok but I can’t see Mr. T being able to handle his babysitters fighting and pouring red punch all over the table — he still doesn’t always feed himself because he hates getting his fingers sticky.

BSC 5: Dawn and the Impossible Three

in which a boy is kidnapped while Dawn’s babysitting and she and Kristy exchange longing glances in the hayloft.

Number of drinks taken: 28

The plot and narrator’s subplot

Dawn has to babysit three kids who aren’t so bad, but their mom is a disaster. The house is a mess, the kids are always half naked, and she never knows what’s going on. Of course, it’s because of a D-I-V-O-R-C-E, which we know makes mothers do unnatural things like work outside the home and hire babysitters and forget to do the laundry. Dawn also starts hanging out with Kristy in an effort to make Mary Anne happy and there’s lots of lesbian subtext.

The most insufferable babysitter: Dawn

It was going to be Kristy, as yoozh, but Dawn got me with her disparaging remarks about latchkey kids and divorcees.

Claudia’s best outfit: Again, WHAT is wrong with Claudia? Is HER mom not keeping up with the laundry either? There wasn’t a single outfit mentioned.

Bonus Stacey outfit: Luckily Stacey picked up Claudia’s slack.

She was wearing a simple pink T-shirt under a baggy jumpsuit with big pink and red flowers all over it. Her shiny hair bounced over her shoulders. I was wearing blue jean shorts and a white T-shirt that said GENIUS INSIDE. I looked ordinary next to Stacey.

Dawn, honey, sometimes ordinary is a very good thing to be.

Mr. T’s verdict: Yep

But I’m not going to take any lectures from her on my housekeeping, thankyouverymuch.

BSC 6: Kristy’s Big Day

in which Kristy’s mom gets married to Watson, Kristy wears a dress, and the club runs an unlicensed daycare center out of the Thomases’ home.

Number of drinks taken: 22, plus 10 more out of boredom

The plot and narrator’s subplot

Kristy’s going nuts about getting to be a bridesmaid in her mom’s (second) wedding (Emily Post would so not approve), although she’s scared about moving into Watson’s giant mansion (drink!). Her mom suddenly has to move the wedding from September to June — and has to plan and execute the thing in a week! I know this was 1987 and therefore pre-wedding blogs and reality TV, but it was post-Wedding of the Century, so you can bet your ass there’s no WAY she planned a huge 300-guest event in 2 weeks. Even the Oxygen Network plus Martha Stewart couldn’t pull that off. I’m sure Kim Kardashian’s wedding took longer to plan than her marriage lasted. Anyhoozle, all Kristy’s family comes in early to help for the wedding, but they bring all their kids! The horror! So the BSC get together and run a one-week-only daycare for them at Kristy’s house. Kristy’s also a little sad about moving to Watson’s giant mansion (drink! Also, child, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I’ll bet he even has a walk-through outdoor shower on the balcony!). I don’t blame her for not wanting to be related to the horrible Karen — Watson obviously has no idea how to parent because that brat wouldn’t last 10 seconds in my house with her crazy ghost stories and getting kicked off the public playground for inciting kiddie riots. Kristy also waxes poetic about Dawn (“Dawn has the most amazing hair I’ve ever seen. … It’s the color of sunlight or bleached straw. I hope she never cuts it or changes it.”).

The most insufferable ~~babysitter~~ babysittee: Karen

Not only does this kid NEVER SHUT UP, she yammers on and on about the witch next door, the ghost in the attic, the imminent Martian attack. Great, she has a vivid imagination, but she’s seriously allowed to make fun of the reclusive neighbor (Atticus Finch would so not approve) and scare half the kids on the playground so badly they go home. She needs to be strung up by her thumbs for a few hours. However, Kristy’s brother David Michael wins the most adorable award for giving his mom a goldfish as a wedding present, and Nannie wins the Kickass Gram Award — her car, the Pink Clinker, is a beater she painted pink, then attached flowers to the antenna, but she can kill a misbehaving child with one look.

Claudia’s best outfit: Finally! We can always count on Kristy to provide lots of details about how the other girls look.

She was wearing one of her usual outrageous outfits: a black leotard adn skintight red pants under a white shirt that was so big it looked like a lab coat. Claudia’s a wonderful artist and she had decorated the shirt herself, covering it with designs painted in acrylic.

Mr. T’s verdict: yep

I think he’d totally be wigged out to be plopped down at the club’s daycare center, but he’d end up having a good time. And $3 an hour is an insane bargain! I had a person apply for a babysitting job with us who said she knew “generally how to take care of children” and she charged $15 an hour! The Babysitter’s Club would not approve.

are you going to scarborough teen wolf? parsley, sage, rosemary and wolfsbane

Meghan — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:30:34 +0000

Hey! I just spent two days driving halfway across the country, my kid keeps crying and is probably getting sick AGAIN, and to top it off, it’s time for Teen Wolf. Fan-freaking-tastic, dontcha think? Are you ready for an hour of confusion, intrigue, more confusion, some lacrosse, and confusion? Someone get mommy a drink, will ya?

ab count: 1 measly scott

Last time, on Teen Wolf, we left Stiles in the nursing home with Derek and the Alpha — Derek’s formerly burned and currently psycho uncle! And now, the show! Aaaaaa-oooooooooooo!

um, that’s supposed to be scott getting memories of the fire at derek’s house from the alpha. the montage is like a korean remake of an american remake of an indian remake of a japanese horror film.

creepy uncle hale/the alpha starts to put the creepy moves on scott’s mom, and scott and stiles smash into him with stiles’ car.

A message from the Bhaer

Jenny — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 14:52:06 +0000

Good mornin’, it’s the mo-ornin’, uh, who hates Monday mornin’? Good mornin’ good mornin’ to you!*

Well happy Little Women Monday, readers! This week, we delved into Chapters 33-35 of our own little March Girls Progress, and not having read this book since a was a very good young girl, I was astonished! Astonished, I tell you, at just how sanctimonious Ms. Alcott can be. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised; however, a careful reread of these chapters might leave you as flabbergastedly-offended as they left me! Or you can just read my version:

*to the tune of ‘Good Mornin’ as sung in ‘Singin’ In The Rain’

Progress Report: 42, from ‘Professor’ Bhaer

Good news, Comrades! After nearly a month of fruitless searching for information regarding just what has happened to infiltrating agent 814, Code Name “Beth”, and why she is no longer reporting in — after her last non-sensical ramblings some months ago – I am pleased to report that I have been installed as tutor at the home of Mrs. Kirke, so that I may gain access to the man-girl March.

The sad news I must relay to you is that “Beth” might be more lost to us than we feared. It appears she suffered a terrible fever, and has “not been the same since”. As I get closer to the family, I will keep you, dear Comrades, updated. As always, I have the cyanide capsule ready to administer, if necessary.

Meantime, I have managed to spy on the strange one you have assigned to me. I play my role dutifully, doting on the brats of the house, and playing the fool in front of the young March, so that I might know her comings and goings. It seems she is both driven and repelled by the lusts of the flesh. Anonymously, the March girl has been publishing low-rate pornography in a local rag, the Weekly Volcano. This brought about her own pilgrimage into the underbelly of society — what started out as reading the sensational crimes and sordid news stories led to seeking them out. Soon, Ms. March was known to frequent the local whore-house for ‘research’. I thought my mission to get close to her might be lost the day I found her in an alley, face blackened from huffing paint in a bag, a used needle hanging out of her listless arm.

However, I misjudged her need for piety above all else, and was surprised when she kicked the habit quickly — at least the drugs part. In order to play to that side of her nature, I acted the upstanding moral figure. It became apparent quickly that this March clearly has ‘daddy’ issues, because she begun following me around like a lovesick pup in that graceless, coltish way of hers — jerking about and clomping to and fro. With just a nudge in the right direction, I feel confident in reporting that we have her where we want her, Comrades!

As she left her position for home, I played a pitiful goodbye, and saw her to her train (then got in another car to shadow her) and have since succeeded in getting rid of the ‘competition’.

It seems the young Laurie finally noticed that is days of whoring and beer pong were wearing him down before his time. After graduating suma cum Clap (and finding it difficult to hide his herp outbreaks with even a mustache) the boy combed his suddenly thinning hair to the side and decided it was time “to nail that shit down”.

He proposed abominably, and March refused him, saying she couldn’t love him “that way”. I almost felt sorry for him, had I not been too dumfounded by his cluelessness to her gender preference.

Nonetheless, everyone in the vicinity was in a tearful state for days after. I may have glimpsed “Beth” in the garden, but did not reveal myself. Instead I hypnotized the Old Man Laurence, instructing him to take his grandson far away. It worked, Comrades, and we can all breathe easy knowing that my infiltration into the March family is an assured success!

Yours in Arms,

Friedrich the Bhaer

don’t go breaking my teen wolf, i couldn’t if i tried

Meghan — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 14:00:34 +0000

Amid news of this week’s tragic deaths, massacres, terrorism and governmental moronity, one event stands as a shining beacon of hope for humanity. That’s right — lucky for us, the “big, bold” and “cinematic” series known as Teen Wolf got renewed for another season! They couldn’t keep “Pushing Daisies” on the air, but apparently America can’t get enough of Da Wolf. I guess “cinematic” means “shirtless” these days? All I can say is AAAAA-OOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ab count: 2!

Good news, campers! The abs this week are aaaallll Derek. Yessir, he’s back from the dead (I guess he used his wolf-healing-mojo, since he wasn’t stabbed with a silver bullet) and better than ever! I even have a new ab count icon to celebrate. Now, isn’t that nice?

And now, get your drinks ready — on with le show!

Cliffhanger! Will Stiles emerge unscathed from the Nursing Home of Doom? My bet is “yes”, since he shows up in the locker room in the preview for next week’s episode. Is Jackson turning into a werewolf? Will Aunt Kate go to jail for pedophilia? DID THEY WIN THE LACROSSE GAME? HOW WILL I SURVIVE UNTIL MONDAY?!??!?

munchkinpiece theatre presents: the unbecoming of mara dyer

erin — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:02:32 +0000

Holla, FYAers! It’s Friday! It’s Friday on a holiday weekend! (If you happen to be from the US. Or Canada. Or other countries who may have holidays this weekend.) Holiday weekends are the greatest! I, for one, am going to disobey the orders printed on the side of this new medicine my doctor prescribed and both drink alcoholic beverages AND operate heavy machinery.

We’re easing you into the holiday weekend with a short little review of the hottest book on the circuit, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer. What did the munchkin (aka my kid) think of the book? Let’s find out through this short video, now with iMovie edit action!

So there you have it! Mara Dyer is disgusting, but you should read it anyway, because of the true love part. (And we’ll have a review coming your way closer to the publication date.)

Know of any books you’d like the munchkin to pass judgement on? List ‘em in the comments! I, for one, am tempted to have her read aloud from “Go The Fuck To Sleep,” but probably no one but me thinks that’s a good idea.