YOU GUYS!  I’m so glad it’s Friday, for so many reasons!  First, because my entire goal for the day is to lay around in bed, drinking mimosas with The Ambassador, when not cooking brunch or eating French food tonight.  Second, because tomorrow is Saturday, and that means FOOTBALL!  And third, because TODAY IS SVH DAY, WHAT WHAT!!!

If you’ve been keeping up with our shenanigans recently, you’ll know that last weekend, the FYAers got together at lovely hostess-with-the-mostest Meredith’s house to drink Effies, stuff ourselves with pizza, and make crude blow job motions on camera, but more importantly, TO PLAY THE SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOARD GAME.  (Which right now is sitting in the trunk of my car, still, so that I can bring it out at any social gathering.)

And what you may not know, if you haven’t yet watched Sarah’s amazing video recap of events, is that I WON THE GAME.  Which is only just and fair.  I mean, I’m the one who has dreams that Winston Egbert and Lila Fowler are going to swingers’ clubs together – yes, that actually happened the other night in my dreamworld – so CLEARLY I deserve all the winnings I can get, even if they are just for board games and we all just wanted the whole thing to be over.

So, step inside, and let’s see what Sweet Valley High has in store for us this week.  HINT: REGINA DIES A DEATH.

In case you need catching up with the Sweet Valley High drinking game rules or what’s happened so far:

Sweet Valley High 1-5, plus Drinking Game Rules

Sweet Valley High 6-10

Sweet Valley High 11-15

Sweet Valley High 16-20

Sweet Valley High 21-25 plus Perfect Summer

Sweet Valley High 26-30 plus Special Christmas and Malibu Summer

Sweet Valley High 31-35 and Spring Fever

Sweet Valley High 36: Last Chance

in which Peter DeHaven is just fucking things up for people left and right

Number Of Drinks Taken: 41

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2 and 4.  One page just simply wasn’t enough, and the twins are so pretty that the author needed to take a slight pause on page three to regroup and refocus.

Main Plot:  Johanna Porter, school drop-out and sadly not former Tribute prone to disrobing/being awesome, has returned to Sweet Valley High!  Well done, Johanna!  She dropped out of school because she wasn’t good at music – or something like that – and apparently her parents just went along with that because they wanted Johanna to Be Her Own Person, or whatever else New Age-y, California, Hippie Parent bullshit people spout to cover up the fact that they’re too lazy to properly parent their children.  I mean, hey, be a lazy parent; I don’t give a rat’s ass.  But don’t try to trump it up by spouting some psychobabble about how your 14 year old daughter should be allowed to “go her own way” and “make her own mistakes,” i.e. do a lot of drugs and pop out 4 charming, yet illegitimate, children by the age of 18, which you will then take to raising in your mansion.  You know, in the South, we also have lazy parents, but they at least are honest with themselves, and spend most of their time sitting on the front porch drinking PBR instead of talking about how Little Mackenzye is a savant who only needs to work through her taste for eating heroin before churning out a few symphonies.  I’M JUST SAYIN’.

Anyway.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, Johanna.  Well, her mom kicked the bucket and when Johanna was rooting through her stuff, she found a journal in which her mother wrote her innermost thoughts and feelings, namely, “boy, it sure would be nice if my damn daughter would go back and get a high school education.”    So Johanna returns to school and soon catches the eye/boner of Peter DeHaven, who is a GIANT DOUCHELORD who also likes science.  AND DOUCHERY.

Peter DeHaven is dating Amy Sutton, who you may recall is Elizabeth’s former best friend from the days of the Unicorns, but who has changed into a boy-crazy, empty-headed teenage girl.  Amy is not particularly pleased about the fact that Johanna keeps hanging out with Peter and helping him with his science fair project, and she makes Johanna cry, or something.  Whatever!  Ladies!  Do not fight over Peter DeHaven!  He is so unworth it to actually be WORTH NOTHING.  He is the PESOS of boyfriends!  Except I think right now even the peso is worth more than the dollar.  What is the world coming to when America can’t smugly proclaim itself better than even its closest neighbors without any evidence to back that claim up?  Pretty soon, we’re going to end up a humbled people, begging for UN intervention to stop the raging genocide in our country and not receiving it because the world superpower, China, doesn’t approve of the way we farm our goats, or whatever. 

Whatever, whatever, it all works itself out when Peter DeHaven is revealed to be a douchecanoe of the first fleet, and Johanna learns she’s really good at math and science and she accepts herself for being no good at music.  Hey, Johanna, SOME OF US are also no good at music, but we don’t even have an academic talent to fall back on!  We have no talents to fall back on, until a friend suggests starting a website in which we can, in part, reread Sweet Valley High books and then make fun of them!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  Jessica gets it into her head that Cara and Stephen/Steven (since the spelling of his name seems to change in every book  – or maybe it’s just cause I’m drunk and I hallucinate that - I’m going to start referring to him as Stephen/Steven) have become too boring as a couple.  Jessica is, as usual, quite correct.  Stephen/Steven!  Cara!  Spice it up a little!  Maybe go to the swingers club with Winston and Lila? 

Jessica decides to break up the couple, mostly by insinuating to one that the other is bored/having sex with nubile co-eds.  It mostly works but then it doesn’t, and we all have a hearty laugh, the end.

Improbable High School Moment:  People are seriously just allowed to drop out of school?  And their parents don’t have to give permission?  I mean, duh, I know that happens, but if I had dropped out of high school, I also would have been dropped from my house, and my parents certainly wouldn’t let me stay in their house, rent-free, and also not lectured me five times daily about how I Was Never Going To Amount To Anything and also I Am Not Living Up To My Full Potential.  Johanna’s parents suck.  I’m glad one of them is dead.

Most Offensive Portion:  Ugh, Peter DeHaven’s gross, chauvinistic, douchebaggish dismissal of Johanna’s ideas about his science project.  Peter DeHaven, YOU ARE THE WORST.  I wouldn’t vote for your science project even if the science fair were this one, my most favorite Science Fair of all time. My uncle is named Steve! God Made Kitty! Thermodynamics of Hellfire! (I’m pretty sure that link is a joke BUT I WANT IT TO BE REAL. And feature the Duggars.)

Sweet Valley High 37: Rumors

in which SVH turns into a VC Andrews book

Number Of Drinks Taken: 18

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 3

Main Plot: Susan Stewart, a character that no one has ever mentioned before, but we’re supposed to all of a sudden care about, lives with her guardian, Aunt Helen, but does not know who her parents are.  All she knows is that her mother randomly sends money for her, and that people at the country club accept her, even though she does not particularly come from money.  She’s basically like Harriet Smith, to be honest, and is the natural daughter of no one knows whom.  I hope she doesn’t turn down Robert Martin’s proposal.   He’s very genteel, for a farmer. 

Anyway, Lila, of course, can’t have anyone encroaching on her Rich Girl turf, so she starts a rumor that Susan’s mother is in a home for the criminally insane. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Lila is my favorite. 

Strangely, no one wants to talk to Susan now that her mom kills people with insanity, and her stupid posh boyfriend – whose parents are racist, classist assholes – dumps her.  Have you ever noticed that both the rich people and the poor people suck in Sweet Valley?  Only people who are upper-middle-class don’t actively suck.  Hmph.  As a poor person who hopes to someday become fabulously wealthy, this hurts my feelings.

Meanwhile, some famous movie director has come to Sweet Valley in order to cast his new movie, or whatever, and of course it turns out that he is Susan’s father, and Aunt Helen is Susan’s mother, and Director Dad wants to come take Susan away because his other kid is dead now and he’s looking for a replacement.  Or whatever!  Point being, Susan has parents and the rich people like her again, but she has Learned Her Lesson and starts dating some upper-middle-class dude named Allan (thanks, of course, to Elizabeth).

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica grows convinced that her mom is knocked up with a fourth Wakefield child.  I KNOW.  It’s a horrifying prospect.  Alice Wakefield is tired, and goes to the doctor because she keeps getting sick in the mornings, and has sudden cravings for pistachio ice cream.  Jessica enlists Elizabeth’s help in deducing whether there is a fetus hatching in Alice’s womb, and then they try to hint to their mom that they think a baby would be nice – leading Alice and Ned to somewhat hilariously ask them whether they were “in trouble” – and then it turns out, of course, that Alice isn’t preggers.  So everyone complains that Jessica has jumped to her Conclusions mat, but HELLO, THOSE ARE VERY VALID PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS.  And also, the symptoms are never explained, so WHY does Alice feel tired and dizzy and sick in the mornings and desirous of pistachio ice cream, huh?  WHY?

Improbable High School Moment: Aunt Helen, Susan’s guardian/mom, explains that the reason she kept up the “guardian” lie for SIXTEEN YEARS was because she didn’t want Susan to be judged by the other kids in town for having a single mother.  I was going to write that no one fucking cares whether their friends have one parent, two parents or 18 parents, but then I remembered that this was Sweet Valley and that OF COURSE they would care.  So I’m changing this title to Probable High School Moment.

Most Offensive Portion:  Um, hello, Susan’s Director Dad!  You’ve known about your child’s existance for sixteen years, but you only decide to come meet her after your other kid dies?  What, you feel like you should be keeping a quota, or something?  Or is this just what you do, cycle your kids out?  After Susan dies to Teach Us All A Lesson, will you start talking to one of your other illegitimate children?  I HATE YOU, DIRECTOR DAD.

Sweet Valley High 38: Leaving Home

in which Elizabeth wants to go to Swiss boarding school and for some reason people are sad about that

Number Of Drinks Taken: 30

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 2

Main Plot:  Oh, Jesus.  Elizabeth gets it into her head that she wants to go to some Swiss boarding school so that she can learn to be a writer, or whatever.  She particularly wants to go to Switzerland so that she can be more like her fictional hero, Dick Diver.  Can I just say, as a person who has read Tender is the Night many, many times?  QUELLE PUTAIN DE SURPRISE.  Dick Diver is the douchiest, most sanctimonious asshole to ever grace the page, and delights in “assisting” those members of his friends and family who are mired in their own personal hellholes – hellholes typically caused or abetted by Dick Fucking Diver himself.  I can totally see Elizabeth marrying a victim of repeated sexual molestation simply for the joy of “fixing” them.  I have never said this before, and I’ll surely never say it again, but: Ghostwriter of Sweet Valley High 38, I applaud you and your narrative choices!

Liz is super-psyched to go to Switzerland, but of course everyone else is panicked at the very thought of not having Elizabeth around to meddle in their affairs and tell them how to behave!  How will they ever keep her in Sweet Valley?  Luckily for Jess and Stephen/Steven, Elizabeth must pass a series of interviews in order to gain the scholarship to the Swiss school, so that provides Jessica plenty of opportunities to ruin Liz’s chances.  Although, why she would want to, I have no idea at all.  Particularly since Elizabeth stresses to her ENTIRE FAMILY that they aren’t nearly good enough on their own to impress the scholarship board and that they’ll ruin everything if they act like themselves.  God, Elizabeth, I HATE YOU. 

Oh yeah, and meanwhile, Elizabeth grows convinced that J French is sticking it into Enid’s girly hole, because they’re spending a lot of time together.  But really they’re making a scrapbook of memories for Liz to take to Switzerland.

Stephen/Steven actually sums up this entire book series with just one quote, on page 124:

Elizabeth is all that matters.

You’re right, Stephen/Steven.  You’re right. 

Anyway, Liz gets the scholarship but then realizes that Sweet Valley is way more magical than Switzerland, and dramatically announces her intention to stay and meddle in the affairs of all Sweet Valley citizens, from now until forever.  This announcement is actually greeted with a slow clap.  Only in Sweet Valley/every cheesy movie ever made, folks.  Magical!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Winston wins the lottery.  Not a particularly good lottery – not mega-millions or anything – just 25,000 dollars.  Which, hey, if someone wanted to give me 25000 dollars for doing nothing, I wouldn’t say no.  But I don’t really consider it winning the lottery unless the winnings are enough to purchase a private jet.

It turns out, though, that Winston accidentally got his ticket switched with an old, poor man.  Winston dickers back and forth in his head about whether to tell the old dude, but finally he does because this is Sweet Valley and people are really honest in a disgusting sort of way.  I suppose we’re all to find this incredibly endearing, but I only find it to be incredibly dumb.  Winston, if you’re too good to take the 25K, you can give it to me.  That actually goes for anyone reading this.

Improbable High School Moment:  First of all, what minor child is allowed to play the lottery?  And then what 16 year old boy decides to give his lotto winnings to some old man?  Winston, I love you, but you suck.

Most Offensive Portion:  Forever and always, Miss Elizabeth Wakefield.  Telling your family that they need to behave differently to impress the scholarship person?  Go set yourself on fire, you shitheel.

Oh!  Also, at one point, Lila eats sushi for lunch on Monday.  This offends my love of sushi.  Lila!  NEVER EVER EAT SUSHI ON MONDAY.  Not unless you can personally attest that the fish was caught that morning.  Cause, otherwise, you’re eating Saturday’s fish, since the fish market is closed on Sunday.  TWO DAY OLD RAW FISH.  Girl, please.

Sweet Valley High 39: Secret Admirer

in which Penny Ayala, Editor of the Oracle, gets herself a man

Number Of Drinks Taken: 34

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 5

Main Plot:  Lynne Henry, who you may remember from, like, ten books ago, gets an idea that The Oracle should start running personal ads, for all those sad little losers who don’t have dates to the prom.  She and Liz encourage Penny, the Editor of the Oracle, to post an ad as well.  Penny is very pretty but shy and doesn’t know how to dress well, so no boys like her.  She places an ad and then new boy Kirk Anderson, Neil Freemont and a bunch of other boys respond to her.  They do it as a joke, only Neil Freemont totally falls in love with his Dream Girl from her personal ad, even though he doesn’t know who she is.  Gosh, this sounds so familiar . . . oh, yeah!  IT IS EXACTLY THE PLOT OF LYNNE HENRY’S BOOK, ALONE IN THE CROWD.

Anyway, once Kirk and Neil find out that Penny is the author of the ad, Kirk totally makes fun of her.  But of course by now Neil has a love boner for Penny, and they hook up.  Elizabeth overhears Kirk making fun of Penny and decides to get back at him in a stupid plot that isn’t even worth using my fingers to type out, and I guess all’s well that ends well for everyone but lame old Kirk.  And, presumably, now that Penny is gettings some hot Sweet Valley High Teenage Boy Sex Action, she isn’t such a lame, stuck-up, serious student all the time.  All it takes is a boy!  A boy will solve everything!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  Aw, man, it kinda is, I have to say.  I know; I know!  This keeps happening!  Someone in the Cabal is clearly paying attention to how books are supposed to be written.  This will not do at all.

Anyway, Jessica and Lila are bored with high school boys (well, you see how picky they are about their shoes, and they only go on their feet), so they decide to place personal ads in the  . . . high school newspaper?  Well, apparently, Stephen/Steven has a subscription to The Oracle and has it delivered to his dorm.  Of course he fucking does.

Jess gets contacted by a few people.  First she goes out on a date with a Fat Guy, and gets out of the date in like five minutes, because clearly Fat People can not be loved.  Man, she even ditches out before dinner.  Jessica!  At least use him for a free meal!

Then she meets John, who is swoony, and a sociology major, and seems really, really interested in Jessica.  Jessica and Lila agree to have a showdown with their dates at the Beach Disco so they can see who raked in a better catch, but, ha ha, in a shocking turn of events that no one could have predicted unless they are a sentient being, both girls have been “dating” John, who of course hasn’t been dating either girl, and only taking them out in order to complete his sociology project.  Whatever, whatever, GET TO REGINA DYING ALREADY.

Improbable High School Moment:  Personal ads?  In the school newspaper?  The adminstration really would allow that?  I mean, I guess they’re not Craigslist-style ads, BUT STILL.

Most Offensive Portion: That I even had to suffer through this book knowing that laying just beyond it was the book in which Regina dies.  STOP TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM REGINA’S DEATH!

Sweet Valley High 40: On The Edge

in which Regina Morrow tries cocaine JUST ONCE and then DIES.

Number Of Drinks Taken:  16.  This is SRS BZNZ.

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 9

Main Plot:  You guys!!  You guys!!  IT IS FINALLY HERE!!!  The book that irrevocably shaped my childhood, the book that made me Just Say No to any type of snorting drugs (well, that, and the picture they showed us in DARE of a blown-out septum.  ew.), the book that made me paranoid that I might have a secret heart murmur that could kill me AT ANY TIME if I so much as looked at any drug harder than NyQuil.  REGINA MORROW IS FINALLY GONNA DIE!!

I’m getting ahead of myself!  So, Amy Sutton is hot on the tail of Bruce Patman, and would like to speak huskily to him while putting her hand on his engorged member.  The two are paired up on a health project about THE DANGER OF DRUGS IN SWEET VALLEY and they find out all sorts of things about the drug subculture of SVH, like which students may be smoking the hash pipe (Enid Rollins, they’re on to you!).   Amy and Bruce speak in husky tones to each other, and totally sneak off to make out BEHIND A TREE at a barbeque that the Wakefields are hosting.  Regina sees this, of course, and storms off, angry not only at Bruce and Amy, but also at Elizabeth for not telling her about it beforehand.

Everyone’s real sad that they made the deaf girl cry, but Regina finds a new friend in Justin, who is From The Wrong Side Of The Tracks, and Knows What Real Pain Is.  Justin is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Molly Hecht, who is delving deeper and deeper into the world of drugs.  She may start injecting heroin between her toes soon!  Molly Hecht!  Heroin is no good for you!  Stick to opium; that’s what all the famous authors liked.

So anyway, there’s all this buzz in the air, because Molly’s hosting a party in which THERE WILL BE DRUGS.  She’s gonna drink your milkshake!  Drink it up!  And Molly’s invited the town drug dealer, named Buzz, to come and deal the drugs at the party.

Bruce and Liz get wind of the party and try to talk Regina out of going to it, but of course they do so in the most douchetastic, patronizing way possible, so Regina doesn’t listen to them.  Then, right before going to the party at Molly’s, she sits down to write a mysterious letter!  Ooh!  It’s like she knows!

Anyway, then the party is happening and Molly’s friend Jan, who is The Biggest Drug User In School, is there and being really mean to Regina, who she thinks is stealing Justin from Molly.  Or maybe she’s just being mean because she’s a bitch.  Or maybe she’s being mean because she is on DRUGS and they have ALTERED HER PERSONALITY FOREVER, as my DARE officer would have said.

Finally, Buzz the drug-dealer shows up to the party.  Buzz is the world’s lamest drug dealer and he does things like pull out a ziplock bag of coke and say, “would you take a look at this?”  Buzz, it’s cocaine, not a catfish you caught at the lake.  A little decorum, if you please.

Regina, having never experienced cocaine before even though her mom was a model and her parents are rich and she went to school with rich kids all her life, is all “why are you carrying around powdered sugar?”  Everyone makes fun of her ignorance, which leads her to deciding to sample the cocaine.  She snorts two lines, and then has a heart attack and dies.  Oh, but she makes sure to ask for fucking ELIZABETH before she dies, because apparently it’s a rule that anyone must inquire after Elizabeth before dying.  I’ll tell you what – when I’m on my deathbed, which may be today, for all I know, I’m sure as fuck not going to ask for Elizabeth Wakefield.  I’m going to ask for a coca-cola classic, cheese fondue, and an orgasm.

Anyhoo, let’s move on.  After Regina Morrow tragically dies from doing cocaine JUST ONCE, Elizabeth receives a letter in the mail.  It was from Regina, in which she forgave Liz and said she hoped they could be friends forever.  Awww.  Too late!  Cocaine kills! 

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  There is no sub-plot!  This is all of the plot!  COCAINE WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR FACE!  Don’t do it!  You could have a heart murmur that no one ever diagnosed before, even though you were born with a handicap and were presumably in and out of doctors’ offices for most of your young life!!  And do you really want your last few moments to be spent on Molly Hecht’s gross couch, asking to talk to Elizabeth Wakefield?  NO.  So stay away from drugs, kids, or you too will TOTALLY DIE.

Improbable High School Moment:  Dude.  Molly Hecht’s party starts at 7 pm.  SEVEN.  IN THE EVENING.  Who the hell goes to any party that starts at 7 pm, much less a party in which there will be free-flowing drug use?

ALSO, you probably WON’T die from doing cocaine JUST ONCE.  Probably.

Most Offensive Portion:  The fact that, now that Regina’s dead, I have nothing more to look forward to.  Well, except for the book in which Jessica and Winston get stranded on a deserted island for several weeks.  But that book is like sixty books away!!!  What will I look forward to in the meantime?  This is just like the day after Christmas.  Regina Morrow’s Death is totally the Boxing Day of books.

I suppose I shall struggle through, though, so tune in next month so that we can all silently sit in judgement of Molly Hecht together, okay?

it has recently come to our attention that the hunger games are no longer limited to the unfortunate tributes of panem. that’s right, my friends, YOU TOO CAN BE BLUDGEONED TO DEATH BY A 10-YEAR-OLD IN THE ARENA!

i have to admit, i’ve actually considered buying the HG board game, but only for cocktail-swilling, slumber party purposes. and according to my hipster friends, mass market consumption isn’t selling out as long as you do it with a sense of sarcastic irony. hooray!

plus, isn’t an influx of merch tie-ins a sign that hunger games has truly MADE IT? after all, twilight’s worldwide domination was pretty much clinched when edward took over that chalky icon of american candies, sweethearts.

i may or may not happen to have a box of these staring at me right now from my bookshelf. but it’s ok, because IT’S IRONIC! and also, i love candy.

so this new board game got me thinking: now that scholastic has begun merchandising hunger games in order to sell out attract more readers, what other exciting products can we expect? grab yr panem express cards and join me in a journey through the Hunger Games Skymall Catalog!

The Katniss Bow & Arrow Set

why undergo years of hunting practice when you’re guaranteed to hit something the instant you buy this totally lethal weapon? set includes president snow target but does NOT include any common sense. then again, katniss seems to do ok without it!

Peeta’s Bag O’ Berries

not only is this gummy candy delicious, every bag also contains a surprise poison berry, making it the perfect snack to share with yr frenemy!

“Hug Me To Death” Mutant Monkey

boy, those arena monkeys sure know how to hold on tight! whether you’re fighting for survival or snuggling up in bed, this plush cuddle partner will never leave yr side.

Flames of Rebellion Formal Wear (from the Cinna Couture Collection)

cinna’s designs are perfect for any occasion, from cocktail parties to fomenting a national revolution, because regardless of where you are, there will be no doubt that you’re wearing the hottest dress in town!

The Jabberjay

capable of storing up to five minutes of audio, this hi-tech little birdie can drill into the deepest fears and insecurities of your friends, resulting in hours of psychotic enjoyment!

The Tribute Tree Bed

you too can sleep in a tree and avoid brutal death at the hands of the careers, just like katniss! although this may look like an ordinary hammock, we’ve inserted a tiny Mockingjay (TM) logo on the upper right hand corner, instantly transforming this regular piece of camping equipment into an Official Hunger Games Survival Tool (TM). available in dark green, dark brown, dark moss or camouflage. collect all four!

The Seam Healer Kit

who doesn’t love playing doctor? modeled after the tools used by mrs everdeen, this kit comes with a variety of random herbs with crazyass names. sure, it’s pretty much impossible to cure the black lung with a few leaves, but it sure is fun to try!

Haymitch Premium Whiskey

tested for over 40 years by haymitch himself, this golden liquor is powerful enough to block out any memories of murder and/or gouged eyes while going down smooth and easy. it’s just like our slogan says: with haymitch, every day is a party!

Katniss’ Engagement Ring

JUST KIDDING. esp. cos this monstrosity wouldn’t earn peeta a “yes” so much as a slap upside the head.

so, did i miss any incredibly awesome ways of saturating the market with shiteous hunger games merch? LET THE SHOPPING SPREE CONTINUE IN THE COMMENTS!

You guys!  Are you so excited?  Like, Jesse Spano-on-Caffeine Pills level of excitement?  Sweet Valley High is BACK, bishes!

I know exactly how you feel.  When I’m not reading a Sweet Valley High book and playing the drinking game, a sort of depression falls over me.  It’s characterized by a lack of stabbing pains in my kidneys and fewer people shooting me derisive glances at the local bar.  I mean, they still shoot me derisive glances.  Just less often.

Right!  So!  Where we left off, Emily from The Droids was sad because her stepmom was suffering from post-partum depression, not that we in Sweet Valley care about that sort of thing.  And Elizabeth was meddling in someone else’s shit, because she is a horrible human being who I wish to punch in the throat.  What surprises await us in this recap?  Step in and see!

Sweet Valley High Super Edition:  Special Christmas

in which Suzanne Devlin comes back to town, misdiagnosed and ready to party down

Number Of Drinks Taken: 19

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 5.  This is a Super Edition, after all.

Main Plot:  You guys!  Suzanne!  Suzanne Devlin is back in Sweet Valley!  You may remember Dastardly Devlin from that time she tried to steal Elizabeth’s lavaliere.  Such hijinks will not stand in Sweet Valley!   Petty theft of the Pretty Princess’s house?  How dare she?  I mean, that really puts the tiny nuisance of all those rapes and overdoses into perspective!

Anyway, yes, Suzanne is back for CHRISTMAS!  Christmas, as the song will tell you, is the most magical time of the year!  ESPECIALLY in Sweet Valley, where Jessica and Elizabeth can spend all of winter break working on their tans.  Elizabeth really pities people like Todd, who have to spend their Christmas holiday in places where it’s COLD and it SNOWS and there are MARSHMALLOWS.  I also pity Todd, but for other reasons.

Suzanne has come back to Sweet Valley to make amends for her terrible behavior.  Of course, Steven, Elizabeth and Jessica have no intention of letting down their guard around Devious Devlin.  No, they mean to punish her for her earlier offenses, but good!  But, you know, the Wakefields are pretty lame, so they mostly settle for being vaguely unfriendly and sending her some lame Secret Santa gifts.  Oh, Wakefields.  This is just disappointing.  You’re bringing a pool noodle to a gunfight!

It seems Suzanne has changed, though.  She’s quiet and nice and gets dizzy a lot.  The Wakefield Parents know that Suzanne is suffering from a terrible illness – MS – but have not told their kids at Suzanne’s request.  So, they’ll just let their kids continue to be shit heels to Suzanne, and we’ll all just hope that Suzanne doesn’t die any time soon, yeah?

Anyway, a bunch of Christmas stuff happens that I will not dwell on because I refuse to let the Wakefields ruin Christmas for me, and Suzanne’s doctor sends her a new prescription in the mail.  It comes in an envelope, with no instructions.  I just want to be clear, here.  Suzanne’s doctor sends his patient, who has Multiple Sclerosis, a new prescription in the mail and does not list any contraindicators.  Okay?  Just so we’re clear.

So Suzanne takes her new medication and washes it down with a glass of champagne, as the Wakefield Parents have left their underage children a bottle of champagne to drink before driving to a holiday party (god, I love the 80s).  And then Suzanne borrows the Fiat to go meet Aaron Dallas at a pre-party (this is a set-up by Jessica and Aaron, in which Aaron will totally stand Suzanne up and she’ll be sad and go home) and, of course, wrecks it, because her medication reacts poorly to alcohol.

Finally, the cops find Suzanne and everyone tearfully gathers at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital in order to apologize for being such crappy hosts to their very ill friend.  Except!  Suzanne’s doctor flies in and guess what!  Suzanne doesn’t have MS at all!  Turns out she just has mono!!  Because it’s SO DECEPTIVELY EASY to mistake fucking mononucleosis which kids get ALL THE TIME with Multiple Sclerosis, which requires brain scans and lots of involved testing to diagnose. 

But, don’t worry kids!  Now that Suzanne is, in her words, normal again, she can get back to kissing Todd and infecting him with mono!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: You guys!  Todd is back for Christmas!!  Aren’t you excited????  Yeah, me neither.

In typical lameass Todd fashion, he likes to say things to Elizabeth like “when I get there I’m going to hug you so hard.”   Um.  Yeah.  No long-distance boyfriend says that to his girlfriend, unless that person is Josh Duggar and he is talking to his wife Anna, and it’s followed up with ”because Jesus hates sex and also why does every girl I know wear her hair in the exact same fashion?”

But Todd is carrying around a terrible secret!  No, it’s not that he has syphillis, sadly.  It turns out he ran into Suzanne at a ski resort in Vermont a few months ago and, well, he sorta kinda . . . likes her.

But, of course, he’s supposed to be soulmates with Elizabeth, so basically he just mopes around all week until Liz dumps his ass.  And then, because she is the LAMEST CHARACTER EVER, Liz is actually super happy for Todd that he’s in love with someone else.  This is vomitous.  This is unhinged.  Liz, you can be a little sad that your dudebro boyfriend dumped you for another girl.  It’s okay!  Try valuing yourself as a person!  For once!

Anyway, Todd and Elizabeth break up for the bazillioneth time, and Todd and Suzanne go and hug each other real hard.

Also, in other news, Jessica thinks her awesome Secret Santa is Hans, the hot German foreign exchange student.  Of course, everyone knows her Secret Santa is actually Winston Egbert.  I took a random poll this past weekend of the mailman, my neighbor, a coworker, the guy who served me my burger at Love Shack, and my cat, and they all knew that it was going to be Winston Egbert.  In fact, I even polled an egg as it drifted from one of my ovaries into my fallopian tubes and was on its way to dissolving, unloved and unfertilized, and it also told me that Winston Egbert was clearly the Secret Santa, and why did I bother it with such obvious questions. 

Improbable High School Moment: Really?  A whole bottle of champagne?  I mean, my parents would give me champagne, but not when I was DRIVING!  That’s just crazy.

Most Offensive Portion: SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THEY MISDIAGNOSED MONO AS MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS HOW DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS!

Sweet Valley High 26: Hostage

in which the Morrows sans Nicholas are KIDNAPPED!

Number Of Drinks Taken: 32

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2

Main Plot:  Ripped from the Headlines!  Of the Wall Street Journal!  Probably!  Once!  Regina Morrow and her parents have been kidnapped!  And it’s up to Bruce and the twins to mount the LAZIEST RESCUE EVER to save them!  Oh noes!

Yes, Regina has been kidnapped by a crazy lady while in Bern, Switzerland (where she’s receiving treatments to hear again so that people can stop talking about her deafness and her mom can quit eating Valium to dull the guilt) and taken to . . . her house.  Which is where she’s being held, by the crazy lady.  Does this make sense?  Not at all.  Are you surprised?  Not so much, I bet.

Elizabeth discovers that Regina is home and starts to think something fishy is going on when Regina’s “aunt” opens the door and says that Regina doesn’t want to see anyone.  Because who would not want to see Elizabeth “Sun Shines Out of Her Ass” Wakefield?

Soon, she recruits both Bruce and Jessica to the cause, and the three kids try to figure out how to save Regina.  Mind, this amounts to the following:

• slipping a note into a copy of Ingenue magazine
• flirting with boys
• swimming
• saying, “that’s all we can do for right now; might as well go to the beach”

Mostly through luck and Regina’s help, the kids also discover where the Elder Morrows are being held (in Crazy Lady’s friend’s home) and they find Nicholas and hatch a plan.

Apparently, the Morrows are in such jeopardy because Mr Morrow has developed some sort of computer chip.  A crazy man who used to work for Mr Morrow but got fired for stealing wants the chip.  So he kidnaps the Morrows and Regina simultaneously, so that he can threaten them and bluster a lot.  I have no idea how he knows the Crazy Lady that kidnaps Regina and poses as her aunt.  That sort of true crime element is obviously far too unseemly to discuss in wonderful Sweet Valley.

Anyway, even though the rescue attempt is incredibly juvenile, our junior detectives manage to save the Morrows.  Let’s party!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  There mostly isn’t one, because Regina is JUST THAT AWESOME.  You don’t NEED a sub-plot when Regina’s around.  RIP Regina!  I love you most of all!

Improbable High School Moment: Look, I’m just saying, Elizabeth Wakefield is no Nancy Fucking Drew, okay?

Most Offensive Portion:  Okay, like, it was 12 months ago when the Morrows moved to town. (even though no one ages in Sweet Valley, time still passes.  It’s a strange phenomenon that is never addressed.  I mean, you’d think they could shoehorn one book in to explain how the Theory of Relativity works in the Sweet Valley vortex, in between, say, the book where Jessica dates a werewolf and the one where Elizabeth almost marries a prince.)  When the Morrows moved to town, Mr Morrow donated a computer to the school/set up his plant.  You’re telling me that in 12 months, he managed to get the plant off the ground, hire the Crazy Kidnapper Dude, fire the Crazy Kidnapper Dude, design and construct a new computer chip while the Crazy Kidnapper Dude was in jail for theft, and then there was enough time for the Crazy Kidnapper Dude to get out of jail on parole, learn about the chip, find a buyer in South America who was interested in the chip and then kidnap the Morrows in order to steal the chip?  You guys.  Right now I am rewatching Prison Break on Netflix Streaming, but can I just say that the plot of this book is actually the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen all week?  And on Prison Break right now, Michael Scofield just engineered a prison break out of a Panama prison in under a week.  With Bellick as an assistant.  BELLICK!  Fuck’s sake.

Sweet Valley High 27: Lovestruck

in which Ken the Football Star is failing English

Number Of Drinks Taken: 18

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 3

Main Plot:  Oh no, you guys!!  Ken Matthews, Star Quarterback, is failing English!  Dreamy Mr Collins Who Looks Like Robert Redford may not let him play in the big exhibition* game!  Everyone’s making fun of Ken for failing English, but he’s mostly worried about what his girlfriend, Susanne Hanlon, thinks of him.  Because, you see, Susanne is Rich and also A Snob.  She cares about things like Mozart!  And art exhibits!  And Shakespeare and Bergman films!  This is how you can tell that Susanne sucks!  There’s no place for art- or culture-lovers in Sweet Valley!

Anyway, Liz meddles (drink) and loans Ken one of her short stories and outlines so that Ken can see how a real writer does things (she pretends to be more modest than that, but I can sense her preening nature).  Ken, of course, then steals the paper and turns it in as his own, because otherwise the writers of Sweet Valley High would have had to attempt to surprise us in some way, and that is far too much trouble.

So, because Liz is, like, THE WORLD’S GREATEST WRITER, the story that Ken turns in is raved over.  Everyone wants to publish it in the Centennial version of The Oracle!  Liz is pretty sad, but she also refuses to say anything, because Liz is a dope and a half.  Oh, Liz.  Seriously!  Try valuing yourself as a person!  It could work for you!

Eventually, Ken fesses up by writing a new short story, is not punished in the slightest for cheating, wins the big game, and dumps his snobby girlfriend Susanne.  Three cheers for Sweet Valley High!

* An EXHIBITION game!  That is a game that ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT MATTER.  So why do we care that Sweet Valley will lose if the Quarterback fails English?  Also, maybe they should be using this time to develop the second string, non?

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  It’s the Centennial!  The town of Sweet Valley is celebrating their 100th birthday, which means that they can now officially be mentioned on The Today Show while Al Rucker is doing the weather.  Does Al still do the weather, or is he too important for that now?  Does Smuckers still sponser the Celebration Of The Olds?  Everytime I see Smucker’s Jam, I think about octogenarians being told that they’ve still got a good two decades to go before anyone will care that they’re still alive.  Keep up the dream, octos!  And try not to break your hips!

Anyway, because Sweet Valley has been a soul-sucking timeless vortex for 100 years, there’s a big celebration!  Bruce (who is Centennial Captain, or something) puts Jessica in charge of the big Centennial picnic.  Jess runs around wheedling favors from people; a trillion things go wrong, but in the end everything works out fine.

Improbable High School Moment:  Oh my god, SERIOUSLY?  A kid CHEATS on a major paper and just because he says he’s sorry, everyone’s okay with it and he’s not suspended or anything?  I am totally going to call the UIL committee and report this milarky!

Most Offensive Portion:  What’s wrong with liking Shakespeare, and Bergman and going to the museum?  Why does Susanne have to be portrayed as such a snob just because she dares to watch foreign films in high school?  I HATE YOU, FRANCINE PASCAL CABAL!!

Sweet Valley High 28: Alone in the Crowd

in which we pretend to care about a character we’ve never met before and will never meet again

Number Of Drinks Taken: 19

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 2

Main Plot:  Lynne Henry is Ugly.  Even though she’s slender, 5’10″ and has amber-colored eyes, she is an Ugg.  Why?  Because she wears GLASSES and SWEATSHIRTS, duh!  Anyway, everyone pretty much overlooks ugly ol’ Lynne, except for her neighbor, Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny), who is the keyboardist for popular Sweet Valley band, The Droids.

The Droids announce a songwriting contest, which is inexplicably well-received, even though high school bands, by definition, suck.  Don’t think so?  One time The Killers came to play a party in my college house.  You probably like The Killers, don’t you?  Think that first album’s pretty catchy?  Wish they hadn’t veered quite so soundly into Bruce Springsteen’s musical backyard in the second?  But still roll down the windows and sing really loudly when Mr Brightside comes on the radio?

Yeah.  THEY BLEW.  What I mostly remember from that night is how the drummer managed to lose his shirt and pants and then sat on the couch in only his boxers, wearing a sign that said Will Drum for Pants.

My point being, bands unilaterally suck when they’re in high school or college.  They can’t help it; it’s not their fault.  They just haven’t honed their skills or sweated their way to the top yet.  Anyway, this is why things like High School Battle of the Bands or your cousin’s garage band for which he plays bass are an amusing time, but not actually something you wet your knickers over.  Except, I guess, for The Droids, since everyone in Sweet Valley loses their shit over them.

Anyway, Lynne submits a song – anonymously, of course, because she is Ugly – and to absolutely no one’s surprise, her anonymous submission is the clear winner.  In fact, Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny) is so obsessed with the song that he FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE ANONYMOUS SINGER, because Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny) is at his heart a twelve-year-old Fall Out Boy fan.

Emboldened by the anonymous praise, Lynne eventually ditches her glasses and sweatshirts and figures out that, hey!  Actually she has the perfect body to wear pretty much all fashion ever created, because the Fashion Gods choose to frown upon those of a shorter or curvier physique!  Hooray, Lynne!

And then Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny) finds out it’s her, and I presume he pours his heart out to her via some sort of penis-in-vagina action.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  Jessica, dear sweet Jessica, has decided that the cheerleaders need to have a fundraiser in order to purchase new uniforms.  So she settles on a Rock Around The Clock marathon, in which the cheerleaders are sponsored to rock, in a rocking chair, for an hour at a time.

I THINK THIS IS BRILLIANT.  Think about it.  When you were doing some sort of sponsorship-for-charity-or-fundraising thing, what did it involve?  I’ll bet it involved PHYSICAL LABOR of some kind.  Like, walk-a-thons, or marathons, or bike-a-thons, or whatever-a-thons.  No one ever wants to pay you for doing something awesome, like sleeping!  In fact, the only awesome, non-physical-labor “athon” I can think of is the Scully-a-thon, which X-Files fans of a certain breed used to have every year.  Basically, people sponsored people to watch Scully-centric episodes of the X-Files; the more episodes watched, the more money raised.  Except, no one ever sponsored me to do this, because they realized it was a sucker’s bet.  Because I will watch The X-Files for LITERALLY DAYS AT A TIME.  You don’t even want to front with me!  I WILL DO IT.

Anyway, all this is to say, I would have rocked the shizz out of the Rock Around the Clock marathon.

Improbable High School Moment:  This entire book is improbable, unless it were a movie, perhaps starring Freddie Prinze, Jr, in which case it would be completely plausible.  Instead, I will use this space to share with you Lynne’s lyrics to her prize-winning song.  Presented without comment:

 Day after day, I’m feeling kind of lonely,

Day after day, it’s him and him only.

Something in his eyes

Made my hopes start to rise.

But he’s part of a world that doesn’t include me

Nothing he says could ever delude me.

I’ll never win

That’s how it’s always been.

I’m on the outside . . . looking in.

Night after night, I’m saying a prayer.

Night after night . . . that somebody will care!

Somebody to hear me

Somebody to stay near me . . .

But nothing’s going to change.

Dreams can’t deceive me.

I’m all alone.

You’ve got to believe me.

I just can’t win.

That’s how it’s always been.

I’m on the outside – on the outside . . .

Looking in

So, there you have it.  I guess if you wanted to enter the Amerian Idol songwriting contest, you could build off these lyrics?  Just add some rainbows and unicorn tears, or something.

Most Offensive Portion:  OH MY GOD WEARING GLASSES AND SWEATSHIRTS DOESN’T MAKE YOU UGLY, SHUT UP PEOPLE FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL!!  SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO BE WARM AND ALSO BE ABLE TO READ THE BOARD, OKAY?

Sweet Valley High 29: Bitter Rivals

in which Amy Sutton is BACK, bishes!

Number Of Drinks Taken: 39  (they go to the beach!  or talk about going to the beach!  A LOT!)

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 1

Main Plot:  Amy Sutton has come back to Sweet Valley!  Don’t know who Amy Sutton is?  Shame on you for not fulfilling your reading pre-requisites!  Amy Sutton was Elizabeth’s very best friend back in sixth grade when they were both writing for The Sixers, the school newspaper, and rivaling Jessica’s Unicorns club.   Then she moved to Connecticut and after a while Liz met Enid and made her an equally boring best friend.

Amy moves back and it turns out that she’s now cool less serious and studious than she used to be.  Liz has a sad.  Now Amy isn’t going to want to have boring outings and talk about her feelings and tell Elizabeth how smart and special she is anymore!  Oh noes!

Liz keeps fighting the good fight, thinking that Enid and Amy will like each other and they can all be super-special bestest friends.  Liz is even dumber than my parents’ dog, who still falls for me saying, “Hobbes!  Outside there’s a bone!  A bone, Hobbes!” 

Anyway, eventually Liz figures out that her old best friend is way too interested in being fun and vivacious, and makes up with her current best friend, Enid.  And I guess everyone’s happy or something; this book was seriously the most tedious book i’ve ever read in my life, topping even Anna Karenina, which is a book that I know everyone else totally gets a boner over, but is nevertheless a book I fucking hate.  I got the metaphor eight pages ago, Tolstoy!  STOP POUNDING IT IN.  My patience has run out of lubrication and all you’re doing is chaffing me.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  I can’t even remember!   I just read this book two days ago, but it was really boring BUT they were at the beach a lot and so I was drunk.  Um.  Oh!  Yeah!  Lila’s cousin Christopher, who is apparently the bee’s knees, is coming to town.  Everyone’s pretty excited about getting some fresh meat in that town, but Christopher totally falls for Enid, because they knew each other from, like, Summer Camp for Bores, or something.  Everyone else – Amy included – is INCENSED that Enid has stolen their man!  But no one ever mentions Christopher again after this book, so does it really matter?  Does anything matter?

Improbable High School Moment:  Lila gets the number 1 band in LA, coincidentally called the Number Ones, to play at the party she throws for Christopher’s homecoming.  This isn’t really that improbable, I guess, but the fact that she’s not being followed around by MTV cameras for My Super Sweet Sixteen is improbable!

Most Offensive Portion:  It probably took me at least 45 minutes to read this book, and it was so unmemorable that I can’t remember the basic plotline TWO DAYS LATER.  I’m offended this was even published.  Worst ghostwriting yet!

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Malibu Summer

in which the girls are au pairs and Erin gets alcohol poisoning

Number Of Drinks Taken: 56.  I just received a text from my liver that said “thx 4 the good time but i dont think we should c each othr nemore.”  My liver is a chatspeech writer, but can you blame it?  It doesn’t have thumbs.

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 3

Main Plot:  Jessica really wants to spend the summer with Lila in Malibu, but lame ol’ Ned and Alice won’t let her unless Elizabeth goes too.  So the girls get jobs as au pairs for rich Malibu families!  Jessica chooses to work for a young couple with a baby (who they call Sambo, because if there wasn’t some casual racism going on in these books, then I wouldn’t know what to do with myself) because the cousin of the couple is none other than the famous Tony Sargent, who I guess is like an unCanadian Justin Bieber.  Elizabeth, meanwhile, works for a super-rich couple who totally neglect their pretty awesome little girl, Taryn.

One night, while Elizabeth is babysitting Jessica’s charge (so Jess can go to a party), she meets the Sargent’s new houseguest, a guy named Jamie.   He’s 21 and in college, and in no time at all, he and Elizabeth are clutching at each other and speaking in husky tones.  (Everyone speaks huskily in Sweet Valley.)   Elizabeth is worried because Jamie is so much older than her, but what she doesn’t know, because she has the cognitive reasoning abilities of a throw pillow, is that Jamie is actually . . . dun dun dun . . . Tony Sargent!!  So, while he’s not too old for her, his hair is probably better than hers.

Anyway, there’s some crazy guy out for Tony’s blood, due to Tony sticking it to his groupie girlfriend, and then he tries to attack Tony with a knife and then Elizabeth hits him in the head and then the truth comes out and then Elizabeth is super sad because Tony lied to her and then he sings her a special song at his concert, and she feels better.  You know what this is like!  The amazing George Strait movie Pure Country!  Which I totally own on digital video disc!  Because I love that movie!  And the way George Strait’s butt looks in Wranglers.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  So, Taryn, the neglected daughter of Elizabeth’s boss, is totally depressed and withdrawn, because of how no one loves her or pays attention to her.  Elizabeth totally sucks as a babysitter, but Jessica totally wins the little girl over.  Because Jessica is awesome!!  And then Taryn overhears her parents fighting and her dad telling her mom that they shouldn’t have even had Taryn, and the little girl tries to run away.  Unfortunately, she tries to run away during a giant storm, and she nearly dies, but Jessica rescues her!  And then her parents reunite and promise to do better.  I’m not going to be snarky about this, because I sort of maybe, at one point – because I was drunk! – actually teared up and said “aww” outloud.  Oh, Taryn.  I like you, kid.

In other subplot news, Lila falls for a 15 year old, much to her own chagrin.  However, that’s not what matters.  What matters is that Lila totally comes out of the closet and no one even notices!!!  Check it, page 9: 

“I’m more than excited,” Lila said.  “I’ve already decided I’m going to fall madly in love this summer.”

“With whom,” Elizabeth asked, amused.

Lila gave her a scathing look.  “Who knows?” she said airily, waving her hand.  “There are a lot of great-looking girls in Malibu.”

Lila!!!  Congratulations for coming out!  You just missed the Pride parade, but that gives you like 357 days to come up with an awesome costume for next year!

Improbable High School Moment:  High schoolers are au pairs now?

Most Offensive Portion:  I can’t believe everyone just ignored Lila’s outing like that!! That’s so rude!  I mean, at least buy her a subscription to The Advocate, or something, come on!

Sweet Valley High 30:  Jealous Lies

in which two people we don’t care about do some things that we don’t care about

Number Of Drinks Taken: 23

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent:  page 3

Main Plot:  Remember Pi Beta Alpha, the world’s most useless high school sorority?  Well, it’s pledge time again, and pretty Jeannie West really wants to join.  Her BFF, Sandra Bacon, is super jealous of Jeannie, because of how effortless everything is for Jeannie, and also because of her “perfect white skin.”  (seriously, that’s how she’s described.  Did Mel Gibson write these books?)   Sandy feels like Pi Beta Alpha is the one thing she has that Jeannie doesn’t, so she sets out to keep Jeannie from pledging successfully.

Jeannie’s pledge task is to ask Tom McCay (no relation to Dylan) to some sort of sorority party.  Sandra totally “slips” and tells Tom that Jeannie’s only asked him out to fulfill a pledge challenge.  So Tom stands Jeannie up, and Jeannie is mad.

So then Jeannie plots to get her revenge on Tom, by making him fall for her, and then publicly humiliating him.  But, of course, she falls for him too, and then she and Sandra make up, and Jeannie doesn’t humiliate Tom, and she gets into the sorority anyway and why does every single one of these books resolve in such a way that makes the reading of the book seem like even MORE of a waste of time than it already is?  God.  I can’t wait for the serial killer to show up.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:  Stephen Wakefield has decided to drop out of college and work on a cruise ship.  Great idea, Wakefield!  It’s totally an awesome idea to drop out of school your freshman year in college and then go work for the VERY STEADY AND SECURE cruiseline industry!

The twins convince their parents and Cara to pretend that they’re completely behind Stephen’s hare-brained idea.  It’s totally successful, and Stephen soon realizes that he was being a moron.  Hooray!  The Wakefields win again!  Just like EVERY OTHER TIME. 

Improbable High School Moment:  Again.  SORORITY.  IN HIGH SCHOOL.  Also, that’s a pledge activity?  Asking someone out on a date?  I mean, the fraternity across the street from where I lived in college made their pledges dig a pool in their house’s yard, every year, and then would have a pool party for the members and their dates, and then would make the pledges fill in the pool and resod the lawn.  In AUGUST.  And they were Fijis, like, the dumbest of the dumb.  Come on, Pi Beta Alpha.  Doesn’t the Greek name mean anything anymore?  (Answer: no.)

Most Offensive Portion:  What could be offensive about reading the phrase “perfect white skin”?!?!?!?!

That’s it for this week, kids!  I hope that those in the US have a very happy and safe 4th (please remember not to add gunpowder to dud fireworks.  I’ve done that and it usually doesn’t turn out well.  However, I think my singed eyebrows are very striking.) and everyone else enjoy your weekend!  Remember that if you’re going to drink, don’t drive, and if you’re going to watch Eclipse, definitely drink.

BOOK REPORT for gimme a call by sarah mlynowski

bff charm: nay
swoonworthy scale: 2
talky talk: OMG!
bonus factors: back to the future, the butterfly effect, dawn
relationship status: straight to voicemail

the deal:

devi is about to graduate from high school, and she’s experiencing a major case of FML. her boyfriend, bryan, just dumped her and their future plans together in favor of attending college in canada, and she doesn’t even have a shoulder to cry on cos her mom’s a workaholic, her dad’s an unemployed hermit and she dropped all of her friends after she met bryan. even though bish totally doesn’t deserve it, dev gets a second chance when she drops her phone in the mall fountain and discovers she can call herself… back in time! GREAT SCOTT! she instantly starts dishing out advice to her freshman self, and together they hatch a plan to solve their problems and insure the Perfect High School Experience. *no doi spoiler alert*: THINGS GO AWRY.

bff charm: nay

A WORLD OF NO. devi dropped all of her friends for a boy, which, according to the Holy Testament of High School, is a mortal sin. i want to yell “HOS BEFORE BROS!” but i feel like that might not be the most feminist of phrases, so instead i’ll just do a tyra eye bulge/finger & head shake and say “OH HELL TO THE NO.” even worse, she decides that the only way to improve her situation is to get her freshman self to ignore bryan instead of, oh, i don’t know, realizing she can have a boyfriend while still being a good friend?! it may be time travel, BUT IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, DEVI. she is also totally obnoxious and overbearing to her freshmen self (known as frosh) and then alternates between whining and flipping out when her moronic schemes don’t work. UGH SHE DRIVES ME CRAY CRAY.

frosh is definitely more likable, esp. cos she’s just so cute and excited about high school. but she also struck me as super juvenile and waaaaay too spazzy. and yes, i get that she’s a freshman, but PLEASE STOP GIGGLING. let’s just say that if she sat in front of me on the bleachers at the HS dance, i’d totally have to pull a randy and tell her to get the hell away from me (p.s. jimmy montrose, where you at?!).

swoonworthy scale: 2

for all of the time that senior devi & frosh devi spend arguing over bryan, we barely get a chance to know if he’s actually worth it. sure, he seems totally adorbs and charming… on the four pages where he appears. but come on, sarah m, don’t be so stingy with the swoon. like WHERE IS THE TINGLE? THERE IS NO TINGLE.

talky talk: OMG!

senior & frosh devi definitely sound like teenagers, which is both a compliment to mlynowski’s writing ability and a detriment to me actually liking either of them. since the bulk of the book is composed by their phone calls to each other, it’s basically just one long OMG!!!! i’m not saying the writing is boring, because there’s plenty of variety: happy OMGs, frustrated OMGs, annoyed OMGs and, most common, PANICKED OMGS OMG!!!!!

maybe if i liked devi more, i wouldn’t have minded the fact that there is absolutely zero development of any of the other characters in the book. but i didn’t, and so i wish that instead of going on a “this is what happens when you eff with time” writing spree, mlynowski had eased up on the plot twists and taken the time to craft characters (and a story) with more rewarding layers.

bonus factor: back to the future

time travel is awesome! it’s also, as both marty and devi know, V. TRICKY. if you mess with it in the right way, it can lead to a v. entertaining film franchise. and if you mess with it in the wrong way, you can end up making out with yr mom. so, you know, be careful.

bonus factor: the butterfly effect

as we all learned from dr. ian malcolm, the butterfly effect is a V. COMPLEX HIGHLY ACADEMIC THEORY which highlights the fact that change = consequences. i know, i know, I JUST BLEW YR MIND. p.s. i love jurassic park.

bonus factor: dawn

is this bonus factor a spoiler? yes. will it make you cringe? you betcha! but not as much as the real dawn. because that would be impossible.

casting call:

let’s see, let’s see… who annoys me? well, there’s the obvious choice, but since she seems to be cornering the market on YA roles, i’ll go with:

demi lovato as devi

in the film adapation, they can just employ a version of Ugly Girls Wear Glasses and give her braces for when she plays her freshman self. don’t worry, demi, no real acting will be required!

relationship status: straight to voicemail

i realize i’m probably being way harsh in this review. maybe it’s just our differences in age. i mean, i’m older, and this book is kind of juvenile (according to SLJ, it’s targeted towards grades 6-9, so that explains a lot). if i was, say, a member of PALS, i might take this book under my wing and give it the social guidance it so desperately needs. we’d talk about accepting responsibility for our actions and how boys, especially high school boys, are NEVER worth giving up yr friends, not to mention yr education. cos this book, by the end, has a lot of potential to grow up and be awesome by spreading a v. important lesson to teen readers. but y’all, i’m not in PALS, and I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIZZ. so if this book ever gave me a call, i’d send it straight to voicemail. OR if i accidentally answered, i’d do that fake tunnel thing where i’m all “Hello?… Oh… I… Wait wh.. ssss… orry! I… in a… NEL! Call… ack? Sor… ssssss CLICK.” and then i’d throw my phone in the mall fountain, fish it out, and call my past self to tell her not to answer the phone in the first place.

Friends!  Countrymen!  YA readers!  Lend me your shot glasses!  It is time for another installment of everyone’s favorite tween porn book, Flowers in the Attic!

Where last we had left our intrepid narrator Cathy, she and her obnoxious siblings: Closeted Chris, Caterwauling Carrie and Consumptive Cory were having a tale spun by their psychotic mother, Conniving Corrine.

Corrine has explained to her children that they are poor (and thus worthless), and that she is going to trade in their happiness in order to have her very own jacuzzi tub.  She doesn’t exactly say it like that, but that is what she means.

Which, can you blame her?  I mean, those jets are extremely relaxing.

Sit back, refresh yourself on the drinking game rules, and let’s get ready to retch!

Chapter Two: Road to Riches

the trains run like snakes through Pentacostal pines – r. adams

Number of drinks/chugs/shots taken:

drinks: 18

chugs: 7

shots: 0

Chapter Summary: Well, jeepers!!  We sure have been on this train forever!  The twins are sleeping straight through, because they are bizarre goat children who never learned that the job of any child aged 1 day to 15 years is to be as obnoxious as possible on public transportation.

Chris keeps looking at me, when he isn’t making fuck eyes at Momma, and I sure do think he’s dreamy and handsome.  But gosh, I wish Momma would answer our questions.  Everytime we ask her something simple, like when will we get there or why her dad hates her or why she keeps looking at us and then muttering to herself about sunshine, she just avoids the question.  Weird!

It’s also kind of weird how the train conductor is calling my mom a totally different name.  I’m sure that there’s a perfectly logical reason that we’re travelling under false identity to creep into our grandparents’ mansion in the dead of night!  Probably it’s like we’re on that show Punk’d, which hasn’t been invented yet.

I can’t wait to be rich!  I’m going to be such a horrible bitch to everyone!!  It’ll be awesome!

The Creepy Award Goes To:  Once, Twice, Three Times a Creeper, Ms. Corrine Foxworth-Gardner-Dollenganger!!  Okay, check it:  beyond the nervous hand-ringing and ENDLESS clasping of things to her bosom (who the hell clasps that many things to their bosom?  The only thing I clasp to my bosom is loose money when I’m out at the bar and have forgotten my purse), she also hauls all four of her perfect, illegitimate, twice-inbred children (is inbreeding like adding negative numbers in math?  Do two instances of inbreeding count each other out?) down through the country in the middle of the night, under an assumed identity as if she is motherfucking Jason Bourne.  Corrine Dollenganger!!!  I know Jason Bourne; I am friends with Jason Bourne.  You, lady, are no Jason Bourne!

And then, just in case you haven’t realized that she is A CRAZY PERSON, she totally starts talking to herself – IN FRONT OF HER CHILDREN – about how she is planning to imprison them for the rest of their lives.  Of course, her kids are all dumber than a sack of hammers, so it’s not like they realize that she is announcing her Evil Plans. BUT STILL.  A little decorum, Ms Foxworth-Gardner-Dollenganger, if you please.

Notes from the Margin:

And I supposed I’d have my own maid to lay out my clothes, draw my bath, brush my hair, and jump when I commanded.  But I wouldn’t be too stern with her . . . unless she broke something I really cherished!  Then there’d be hell to pay – I’d throw a temper tantrum, and hurl a few things I didn’t like, anyway.

You see, Cathy??  THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!  Go back to your attic!

“Wake up the twins!” snapped Momma . . .  “Stand them up on their feet, and force them to walk, whether or not they want to.”  Then she mumbled something faint into the fur collar of her jacket that just barely reached my keen ears: “Lord knows, they’d better walk outside while they can.”

Corrine, WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL THEM NOW?  I mean, I’m not advocating the murdering of children – not even annoying ones like Cathy or skeevy ones like Chris – but you’re just going to try to kill them anyway in just a few years/300 pages.  YOU COULD HAVE SAVED US ALL SO MUCH PAIN!

I had seen and heard [Momma] wheedle with our father about money matters, and always Daddy was the one to give in and be won over to her way.  Just a kiss, a hug, a soft stroking caress and Daddy would brighten up and smile, and agree, yes, somehow or other they could manage to pay for everything expensive she bought.

LOLZ Feminism is for suckerz!!!

It seemed to me like an inverted deep bowl of navy-blue velvet, sparkled all over with crystallized snowflakes instead of stars – or were they the tears of ice that I was going to cry in the future?

HOW DID THIS GET PUBLISHED??????  (and then there’s a rip in that page where I accidentally tore a hole through the last question mark in my rage)

“Christopher, did you hear what the grandmother said about a half-uncle?  Did you understand what she meant?”

“No, but I suppose Momma will explain everything.”

Oh, CHRISTOPHER.  Honey, what book have you been reading?

Chapter Four:  The Grandmother’s House

keep my commandments – God

Number of drinks/chugs/shots taken:

drinks: 12

chugs: 27 (holla, grandma’s rules!)

shots: 3

Chapter Summary:  Well, gosh!  Our Grandmother sure seems to hate us a lot!  I can’t figure out why, either!  She’s only just met us; how could she know that eventually I’ll have sex with my brother, my adopted father, my stepfather and a psychotic ballet dancer?  I don’t even know that yet!

Anyway, Grandmother really likes telling us what to do, and what not to do, all the time.  Like, we have to pray, A LOT.  And we have to eat all of our food and never ever waste any of it, cause there are starving people in some other country that we don’t care about.  Also, we have to make super sure that we don’t ever look at each other, and make sure we’re fully clothed at all time.  Plus, Grandmother says that Jesus is watching us, and He’ll know if we get tingly feelings, you know, down there.

Also, Christopher is being even jerkier than ever!  He keeps talking about how he can pee standing up, and also about how he’s a boy so he’s better and smarter than me.  Except, I guess that’s probably true, on account of how I think girls are silly and flighty.

The Creepy Award Goes to:  Christopher Foxworth Garland Dollenganger, Jr!!  Oh, what, you thought I was going to give it to the Grandmother?  NO!  I’m never ever ever going to give it to the Grandmother, because I LOVE HER.  I mean, sure, bish be crazy to the extreme.  But, considering she’s been raped and beaten by her husband, repeatedly, for the last 40 years or so, I think she’s actually adjusting quite well.  Not to mention that she’s the only one with an accurate grasp on the situation.  She knows that no one is ever, ever gonna be free until Grandfather kicks the bucket.

Anyway, back to the award!  Christopher, you are a Creeper!!  Your weird obsession with your mother, not to mention your officious, misogynist attitude . . . well, it’s no wonder the only girl who’ll have sex with you – EVER – is your sister. I mean, after you rape her.

Notes from the Margin:

He laughed, then said with sarcasm, “What else?  As the man, and the head of the family, let it be known hitherto that I am to be waited on hand and food – the same as a king.  Wife, as my inferior, and my slave, set the table, dish out the food, make ready for your lord and master.”

UGH.

“From now on, I am not your brother, but your lord and master; you are to do my bidding, whatever I say.”

“And if I don’t do as you say – what will you do next, lord and master?”

“I don’t like the tone of your voice.  Speak respectively when you speak to me.”

I’m pretty sure I’ve watched porn that starts out this way.

“I admit, in verbosity you females are blessed, just as we males are gifted with the perfect instrument for picnic bathrooming.”

WHAT.

“Cold CEREAL IS WHAT WE LIKE!”

New band name?

I handed Christopher the list of do’s [sic] and don’ts that were carefully typed in capital letters as if we were so stupid we couldn’t understand longhand.

Aww, Grandmother doesn’t think you’re stupid (though you are)!  She just really loves KANYE CAPS!  Cathy, I’m really happy for you, and imma let you finish, but Dawn Cutler had the best incest storyline of all time!  OF ALL TIME!

“Twelve: you will refrain from looking at members of the opposite sex unless it is absolutely necessary.”

It would’ve served Grandmother right if they’d been gay.  Oh, but, I forgot.  In VC Andrews’ world, you can be an incestuous crazy person who locks children in an attick and poisons them with arsenic for six months but being GAY?  That’s just unnatural!

 . . . as our very own mother and father had proved, likes do attract.

Understatement of the Year.

=============================================

That’s it for this week!  Next week, our little blonde assholes venture to the attic for the first time!!  Aww!  Our little babies are growing up!  For six months, until malnutrition and lack of Vitamin D stunt their growth, of course.

BOOK REPORT for perfect chemistry by simone elkeles

bff charm: nay
swoonworthy scale: 8
talky talk: no frills mexicano
bonus factors: uptown girl, she’s all that, brown people
relationship status: one night stand

the deal:

on the outside, brittany ellis is perfect– perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect boyfriend. in other words, she’s annoying. things at home, however, are far from flawless; her father is distant, her mother is uber controlling and her sister is extremely disabled. brittany’s carefully maintained facade begins to crack when she’s paired in chemistry lab (GET IT) with alex, a bad boy latino gang member. mutual hatred results, and it’s only after alex accepts a bet to bed brittany that they begin to see past the stereotypes they’ve plastered upon each other. as they wrestle with their growing attraction, brittany and alex must fight against their community and even their families in order to be together.

bff charm: nay

y’all, i just couldn’t handle brittany. i get that she’s supposed to be bitchy at first, but then i’m supposed to read about her shiteous home life and feel bad for her. except I DIDN’T! i mean, yes, homegirl has a lot to deal with, but sympathy doesn’t equal connection. by the end, i liked her ok, but she never seemed to develop much beyond an after school special cliche. don’t even get me started on how misguided she is in her attempts to care for her sister. as for alex, he definitely seems more fun than brittany (admittedly, a low bar) but again, he felt like a conglomeration of stereotypes. you know, the bad boy with the heart of gold, the guy who gets roped into life on the streets but wants better for his brothers, a tough asshole who loves his mamma, blah blah blah. i mean, if this was a dance movie, i’d consider asking them to come chill with me, but it’s not, so… sorry homes!

swoonworthy scale: 8

for all of the times this book veers into shallow territory, it more than makes up for it (well, almost) with the sexy times. SWEET FANCY MOSES there is some HOT! ACTION! in this book. DI-ZANG. one moment in particular made me break into a sweat, which is both embarrassing and not at all flattering to my complexion. honestly, if you view “perfect chemistry” as a teen romance novel rather than a YA commentary on our society, i guarantee you will enjoy it a LOT more.

talky talk: no frills mexicano

elkeles doesn’t waste time with lots of description, focusing instead on moving the plot along and racheting up the romantic tension. the chapters alternate between brittany and alex’s perspective, and while i’m not a fan of this format, i will say that elkeles manages to make their voices unique, i.e. alex really does sound like a dude. he also likes to use the occasional spanish and then repeat it in english which DRIVES ME LOCO. look, it’s great to feature a latino character and pepper his dialogue with his actual native language, but don’t water it down by explaining everything! cos guess what, i think people can figure out what “mamacita” means. i appreciate the effort, but next time, maybe don’t treat the reader like they’re estúpido. you know. STUPID.

bonus factor: uptown girl

that’s right, i’m talking about the billy joel classic, where he sings about being a backstreet guy and wanting to break the uptown girl out of her white bread world. in other words, THE PREMISE OF THIS BOOK! did i mention that alex is also a mechanic? coincidence?! now go watch the video, it’ll be good for you.

bonus factor: she’s all that

don’t you love it when characters accept bets to seduce people? it’s like, HAVEN’T THEY EVER SEEN A MOVIE WHERE THAT HAPPENS AND GOES TERRIBLY AWRY? then again, maybe they have, cos in the movies, after the initial fallout, the two leads always realize it wasn’t just about the bet, they actually love each other, OMG!

bonus factor: brown people

i really do need to give elkeles major pants for featuring NON WHITE PEOPLE in her book. in spite of the cringeworthy spanish translations i referenced above, it was quite refreshing to read about characters from other cultures besides White Suburbia. simone, thanks for stepping up to the streets (HEYO)!

casting call:

let’s see, who seems too perfect to be real?

taylor swift as brittany

as for alex, um, geez, it’s gonna be tough to pick just one out of the PLETHORA of latino teen actors hollywood is constantly promoting. but i guess if i HAD to narrow it down, i’d go with…

???????

help a white girl out, guys.

relationship status: one night stand

when i met this book, i was hoping for something real, something honest, something life-changing. unfortunately, i didn’t get anything truly meaningful from our encounter, but i *did* get some horizontal thrills IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. we definitely don’t have a future together– i mean, we didn’t even exchange numbers– but i don’t regret our steamy encounter. the only thing i do lament is the morning after, aka the book’s epilogue, which was so unbelievably saccharine, it made me want to vomit. talk about a wicked hangover!

Dear FYA readers,

Hi!  It’s your friend Erin here, who probably owes you five or ten dollars and forgot your birthday last week, but this week she made you cupcakes, and also bought you a drink, so you grudgingly forgive her as you lick chocolate buttercream icing off your fingertips.

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?

If you guessed that it’s time for talking about incest, well, DING DING DING!  Give yourself a prize!!  (a virtual one, please.  Our budget here at FYA is strictly directed towards advanced cocktails research.)

That’s right, folks!  It’s time to start our review of that seminal Young Adult classic – Flowers in the Attic.

I know.  I CAN FEEL YOUR EXCITEMENT FROM HERE.

A little background on FITA, as I call it (not to be confused with that organization where people run around shirtless kicking a ball back and forth for no reason at all that I can see):

When I was eight, I went rooting through a grocery sack of used paperbacks that someone had given my mom. Most of it was stuff that I’d end up reading eventually, but one book stood out from the rest. It looked mysterious, with a tortured, trapped figure on the front and a brief description on the back that promised intrigue and horror. This seemed right up my already-slightly-deranged, little-kid alley.

The book?

At eight, I didn’t really know much about characterization or plot or prose. If I had, I would have put the book down after the first terrible chapter. But what I did know was that it was super-fun to try to get away with doing things my parents didn’t want me to do, and since at the time I was grounded from reading (the only punishment that ever worked for me as a child), it seemed only right and just that I hide that book away under my bed and take it out at night and read it under the covers.

A whole new world was opened to me with that book; a world that seemed so totally implausible as to be considered endlessly fascinating. And when it got to the incest! Well, hot damn! Here was something I knew my parents didn’t want me reading! So, of course, I wanted to read it all the more. And from there, my obsession grew – I wanted to read every seedy, trashy word that V.C. Andrews had ever written, and I think I continued to read her books for about six more years, until I of course finally realized that there was way more prurient stuff out there with which to offend my parents’ sensibilities.  Like The Boy Who Could Fly (inside joke for my mom, if she’s reading).

Recently, I decided to reread Flowers in the Attic to see if it was still as awesomely trashy as I remembered it to be. And, well . . . it’s not. It’s actually just pretty bad. I mean, really, incredibly, “fifteen weeks on the NYT bestseller list, SERIOUSLY?”-type bad.

Flowers in the Attic clocks in at exactly 411 pages, and I can tell you right now that nothing happens on 395 of them. For a book which is a bit of a pop-culture phenomenon, I find this strange. Surely the incest and the whippings and the tarring and, well, the incest deserve whole chapters extolling their virtues, but the actually scandalous/mildly interesting parts are glossed over fairly quickly.

Actually, the VERY GREATEST “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!” part of this ENTIRE BOOK  is the dedication page.  Now, I don’t know how many of you guys have read Flowers in the Attic.  Perhaps, like me, you loved it as a child.  Perhaps you’ve never heard of it before, and you are going to come along on this journey with your mind open and prepared to be blown.  If so, let me sum up, very quickly, what this book is about:  Four kids have the perfect life.  Then their dad dies and their mom takes them to live with her in her parents’ grand estate.  Cool, right?  Except, not really, because her parents disowned her, due to a small, tiny little fall-out when she maybe happened to, uh, marry her half-brother/half-uncle.  Whoops!  Man!  Parents are so uptight, am I right?  Anyway, so to win back her father’s millions love, the mom locks her four kids in the attic.  For years.  And there are a whole host of other terrible things that she does, which I won’t talk about now, in order not to spoil you for the Machiavellian brilliance that is Corrine Dollanganger.  BUT!  So!  Evil, evil, buttfucking evil lady, right??

THIS IS THE DEDICATION FOR THE BOOK:

This book is dedicated to my mother.

WHAT?!  V.C. Andrews, you are HARD CORE COLD, lady!  I mean, when I want to get back at my mom for perceived slights, I date people with facial piercings.  NOT WRITE A BOOK ABOUT PSYCHOTIC MOTHERS WHO IMPRISON AND KILL THEIR INBRED CHILDREN.

Ahem.  Anyway.  It really doesn’t get crazier than that.

Alas, I shall do my duty to my country this blog and review this book chapter by chapter.  Because I am me, and this is FYA, of course I have structured a drinking game to play during these reviews!  Check it:

Take one drink when:

Someone mentions how rich Corrine’s parents are.

Cathy says “golly-lolly.”

Christopher is a pompous jerkface.

Christopher talks about being a doctor.

Cathy dances, talks about dancing, thinks about dancing, or shows completely inappropriate levels of dance ability considering she’s had no formal training and she’s suffered from malnutrition for years and anyway, her body is all wrong for ballet so how the hell does she end up being a prima ballerina for a company in New York, GOD!

Cory or Carrie complain.

The words “creamy,” “mansion,” “flowers,” or “grandmother” are mentioned.

Chug when:

Corrine holds any of her children’s hands to her bosom

Grandmother lays down a rule

Corrine evades the truth

The kids eat a powdered donut

Cathy and Chris make Carrie and Cory do something they don’t want to do

 You want to punch Cathy in the face.  Just a little bit, not enough to do any damage, or anything.

Take a shot when:

Anyone walks in on anyone else in a state of undress

Chris, Cathy, Cory or Carrie sneak out of their room

INCEST!

Chris, Cathy, Cory or Carrie are punished

The Dollangangers’ Hitler Youth Army looks are mentioned (i.e. blond hair, ice-blue eyes, tall, pale, thin)

FYA DISCLAIMER 1:  Not responsible for alcohol poisoning.

FYA DISCLAIMER 2: For our underage readers, please substitute alcohol with sparkling cider or OJ.  (P.S. Sparkling cider is deliciouso, so also share some with me!)

And now, the start of our review!  I’ve structured these slightly differently than the SVH reviews.  These reviews include!

Number of drinks/chugs/shots taken: Science!

Chapter Summary: (written from Cathy’s perspective)

The Creepy Award Goes To:  Obvs this will be a difficult choice.

Notes from the Margin:  (in which I type up the notes I have written in the margin, like a true YA and/or that creep Robbie from Dirty Dancing.)  Actual text from book in italics; my comments in normal font.

Let’s get started, home fries!!!

The Prologue:

what’s past is prologue – Billy S.

Number of drinks/chugs/shots taken:

drinks: 2

chugs: 1

shots: 0

Chapter Summary:  Good golly-lolly!  This is a book about incest and mean parents!! It’s totally true, y’all!  My mom is a mean lady!  I’m going to tell my story under a fake name and hope someone publishes it!  My story is really long, though, cause it involves being locked in an attic for years, having two siblings die, being raped by my other sibling, becoming the teenaged girlfriend to a middle-aged doctor who adopted me, being a prima ballerina, having my toes broken by my abusive husband, having two sons, seducing my stepfather, whipping an old lady, setting fire to a mansion, having my mother try to poison my son’s mind, setting fire to her house, growing up to marry my brother, having my kids hate each other, having one son steal the other son’s wife, having one son paralyzed, and then more fire.  But for this book, let’s just focus on the first part!  Hooray!!

The Creepy Award Goes To:  V.C. Andrews, obviously!!  Er, I’m sorry.  To  “Cathy.”

Notes from the Margin: 

And as I begin to copy from the old memorandum journals that I kept for so long, a title comes as if inspired.  Open the Window and Stand in the Sunshine.

That title is not inspired.  That title is shit.

Certainly God in his infinite mercy will see that some understanding publisher will put my words in a book, and help grind the knife that I hope to wield.

Understanding Publisher should have demanded rewrites.

Chapter One:

daddy happy shiny five dollar now? – d. sedaris

Number of drinks/chugs/shots taken:

drinks: 20

chugs: 8

shots: 15

Chapter Summary:  Daddy travels every week because he is a super-special PR person for a computer company!  Every Friday he comes home with presents for me!!  First I have to kiss him and shower him with affection, though, cause Daddy’s sort of needy.  Then my mom, who spends all of Friday getting her hairs did, makes out with Daddy in front of my stupid older brother Chris and I.  It’s not gross at all!  I want to be just like Mommy so I can make out with a handsome man like Daddy too!

And now Mommy’s pregnant!  She’s having twins!  Great, now my creepy daddy isn’t going to want me anymore!  But he makes me feel better by buying me something shiny!  And then the stupid babies come and they smell but then I like them because I am a Female and so I must love babies. 

And then the babies grow up a little and we have a birthday party for our wonderful Daddy!  Only he’s tardy to the party!  Whoops!  Turns out he died in a tragic car accident on his 36th birthday!  And now mommy is all depressed and I have to heat up casseroles and it’s so boring and then the debt collectors come and mommy explains how we’re living the American dream by financing our upper-middle-class lifestyle with credit.  And she can’t pay the bills cause she’s not Destiny’s Child and also because she doesn’t have any training/doesn’t want a job.  Cause she’s a lady, duh!  Ladies aren’t supposed to work! 

So Mommy tells us that we’re going to live with her super-rich mom and dad in a mansion in Virginia!  Wow!  That’s going to be awesome!  Hey, I wonder why she’s never, ever mentioned her parents before and why they’ve never once visited us or sent us a letter!  Oh well, I’m sure it’ll be fine!

The Creepy Award Goes To:  Daddy Dollanganger!  I guess it’s only right that everyone in this fictional family is creepy, even the dead ones, but boy, let me tell you: Daddy Dollanganger is CREE.PEE. I mean, one would expect some mild creepiness from a guy who married his half-sister/half-niece (spoiler!), but I think Garland Christopher Foxworth, Jr (aka Chris Dollanganger, Sr) really goes above and beyond the standard acceptable levels of mouth-breathing and staring at you while you sleep.

In what ways is he creepy, you ask? (I heard you asking in your head.) Well. First of all, I mistrust someone who works in PR for a computer company in the 50s. What is he doing for them? To whom is he publicly relating? The only people who used computers in the 50s were MIT nerds and spies, and neither group gets out much in public. He travels Monday through Friday, sometimes even overseas, which makes him not only mysteriously employed but also an object of my envy. And every Friday he comes home seeking to buy his family’s affections with material goods he can ill-afford and demanding to be kissed and cuddled like a hero coming back from war. Check it:

“Do you love me?-For I most certainly love you; did you miss me?-Are you glad I’m home?-Did you think about me when I was gone? Every night? Did you toss and turn and wish I were beside you, holding you close? For if you didn’t, Corrine, I might want to die.”

Um, I am sorry, but that? Is creepy. Creepy, passive-aggressive, needy, daddytouchedme behavior that grosses me right the heck out. Coupled with his demand for displays of affection from his daughter when she hurts his feelings and his overwhelmingly Aryan features (the entire family is like a poster for Hitler’s Youth Army, which is unsurprising, given that they all share the exact same DNA.), this is a man to run away from! Not marry and cling to!

Notes from the Margin:

“It’s freezing outside, Momma! . . . I wouldn’t live down south where it never snows, for anything!”

Good!!  We don’t want you!!

“Go away!” I yelled I already hate your babies!”

I ALREADY HATE YOUR BABIES TOO!

I thought I would hate them both, especially the loud-mouthed one named Carrie . . .

Oh.  You will.  We all will.

” . . . but a piece of machinery had fallen from another car, or truck, and this kept him from completing his correct defensive driving maneuver, which would have saved his life.  But, as it was, your husband’s much heavier car turned over several times, and still he might have survived, but an oncoming truck, unable to stop, crashed into his car, and again the Caddilac spun over . . . and then . . . it caught on fire.”

JESUS.  Worst. Delivery. Ever.

Yet I hated it every time someone asked how he died, and what a pity someone so young should die, when so many who were useless and unfit, lived on and on, and were a burden to society.

Okay, Glenn Beck!

She paced, her long shapely legs appearing through the front opening of her filmy black negligee . . . our mother spun around and the black chiffon of her negligee flared like a dancer’s skirt, revealing her beautiful legs from feet to hips.

In. Appropriate.

 ”I can’t even type.  I can embroider beautiful needlepoint and crewelwork stitches, but that kind of thing doesn’t earn any money.”

It does on etsy!

======================================================

That’s it for this week, folks!  Check in next Friday for a continuation of our saga!

What ho, FYAers?  Have you all been very busy perfecting your tans, flipping your sun-kissed blonde hair over your shoulder, watching your perfect size six figures and ruining strangers’ lives by interfering in their personal problems?

Good!!  Then that means you’re ready for another round of Sweet Valley High drinking!

Where last we left off, the Wakefields were being extra-jerky to my beloved Jessica.  I’m sure that they’ll immediately apologize and in no way will she have to take drastic action to win their love and approval!  This is Sweet Valley, after all!  Nothing bad happens here, except for all the rapes and death.  And wherewolves.

Sweet Valley High 21: Runaway

in which Jessica, fed up with the Wakefields’ jerkitude, runs away.

Number Of Drinks Taken: 18

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 11!

Main Plot: Haven’t you been listening?  The Wakefields are JERKS.  Honestly, there’s not a one of them I wouldn’t punch in the throat, soon as look at them, except for Jessica.  Sweet, lovely, vivacious, will probably become a serial killer sometime in the future, Jessica.  Sigh.

But I digress.  Anyway, following up from the last book, the Wakefields still continue to berate, belittle and otherwise be jerky to Jessica.  (see what I did there?)  When she tries to impress them, they mock her.  When she makes a mistake, they roll their eyes and complain.  I FUCKING HATE THESE PEOPLE.

Jessica meets a random Mysterious Loner Guy named Nicky, and he convinces her to run away with him to San Francisco.  (Even though, only two books ago, San Fran was considered evil.  Jess, I can’t keep up with your mercurial nature!)  Jessica slooooowly leaves Liz a note, slooooowly boards a bus, slooooowly makes her way north, etc, all in a bid to see if her family even notices that she’s alive.

Liz and Stephen finally locate Jess’s bus and a big, tearful reunion is had by all.  Jessica comes home, the Wakefields apologize, and treat her nicely for approximately 8 hours before turning into dickfaces again.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: I should enter a macro into my PC that types out the words “Elizabeth Wakefield needlessly meddles in someone else’s business because she’s a fucknugget who is addicted to Other People’s Drama.”  The macro can fire anytime I pound my head against my keyboard out of frustration that Liz Wakefield is allowed to exist on the pages of any sort of book, much less ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-ONE OF THEM (not counting SVU, or SV:Elizabeth, where she becomes a diplomatic attache).

Seriously, I work 60 hours a week in a job I hate where people endlessly bitch at me and yet Francine Pascal is busy diving into a pool of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck even though she has PLAGUED THIS UNIVERSE with this terrible character!  I hate my life!

Anyway.  Ricky Calpado – remember him?  The SVH cheerleaders’ manager who fell for sweet-but-skanky Annie Whitman, even though she has the world’s worst haircut and lives in an apartment – is having a bad time of it.  See, his father ran out on his mom AND isn’t paying child-support or spending any time with Ricky or his sister.  That’s bad enough, but now Ricky’s mom has refused to let Ricky’s paternal grandparents spend any time with the kids, due to their son being a deadbeat dad, and all.  Which, I’d like to point out as part of the Legal Service we provide here at FYA, she is well within her legal rights to do.  Jerky, maybe.  But still legal.

So Ricky’s grandparents hire Ned Wakefield to sue for visitation rights.  And Ned, because his Douchitude was passed down to Elizabeth, encourages his daughter to write an article about the entire situation, even though A) Ricky has specifically told Elizabeth that he doesn’t want to discuss his issues and B) since when are Family Court cases public fodder?  And of course, Elizabeth writes this article, over Ricky’s strident objections, because “she feels it will help him in the long run.”  (And not, presumbaly, because she’d have a chance to be published in the actual Sweet Valley newspaper.)  ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD!  Listen to me very carefully!!  I HATE YOU.  SO MUCH.  IT’S LIKE FLAMES.  ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.  HEAVING.  HEAVING BREASTS.

Improbable High School Moment: The Sweet Valley newspaper is letting high schoolers write articles now?  I mean, our paper lets high school kids write articles, too, but only for the “Zest” feature, and it is usually about whether sexting is in, out, or so five minutes ago.

Most Offensive Portion: I’ve written a song!!  It goes like this:

I hate Elizabeth Waaaakefield

doo-dah!  doo-dah!

I hate Elizabeth Waaaaakefield

All the doo-dah day!

Hypocritical douche!

Meddling in other people’s shit!

I wish she’d get run over by a giant truck

All the doo-dah day!

Sweet Valley High Super Edition: PERFECT SUMMER (!!)

in which people take a long trip on a longer highway, but sadly not a long trip off a short pier

Number Of Drinks Taken: 46!  Bruce Patman!

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 6

Main Plot: This is the first “super” edition of an SVH book, which was published between book 21 and book 22, though not set between those times, because of course that would make sense.  In fact, as far as I can tell, this book is set about 20 books in the future, which makes it almost like an episode of Battlestar Galactica, except not good.  Do you know what a “super” edition of a book means, friends?  It means that Erin gets “super” annoyed.  For longer.

It’s the summer!!  To celebrate, some of the students of Sweet Valley are going to travel up the California coast!  On bikes.  For a month.  WHAT?  This is something people would do for fun??  It’s like the MS150, if MS stood for Motherfucking Stupid and no one was there to greet you with beer when you made it to Austin.  WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS IF NOT FOR CHARITY AND BEER?

So, Liz, Jess, Todd, Bruce, Lila, Roger, Annie Whitman (who has, by this point, broken up with Ricky Calpado even though they were just together in the last book!!), Mr Collins, the Hot French teacher, and some other people I don’t care about are all riding their bikes up the California coast for a month.  To be honest, this entire book, being a SUPER EDITION, doesn’t really fit my typical review outline, so I will list all of the various sub-plots (and lo, there are many) below.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot:

1) Lila is mad at the Hot French Teacher because the Hot French Teacher is dating her dad.  Unbeknownst to everyone, The Hot French Teacher has a dark past (of course).  In typical SVH fashion, her “dark past” is comprised of having been married before (SCANDAL!) to a rich guy (DRAMA!) who was an abusive drunk (QUELLE SURPRISE!).  At some point she left the abusive drunk, and he killed himself and now his family blames The Hot French Teacher.  So she escaped to Sweet Valley High and changed her name, which means she actually CHOSE to have the name Nora.  Huh.  Anyway, if her secret ever gets out, her life will be ruined in some way that isn’t really explained.  Lila finds out the secret (how?) and blackmails The Hot French Teacher (why?) and The Hot French Teacher cries a lot. But eventually there’s a fire and everything works itself out.

2) Mr Collins who, you may remember, looks like Robert Redford, loves The Hot French Teacher and is sad she’s dating Lila’s dad.  This causes angst and discomfort during the trip.  Eventually, there’s a fire and everything works itself out.

3) Jessica is jonesin’ for a hot guy she met at a youth hostel.  She stalks him up the coastline.  Eventually they slip out together to the woods.  He turns out to be a jerk.  But eventually there’s an angry bear and everything works itself out.

4)  Mr Cooper’s nephew comes on the trip.  He is fat, almost as fat as Former Fattie Robin Wilson was before she replaced nutrients with popularity.  He is slow on his bicycle and everyone makes fun of him.  But eventually there’s an angry bear and everything works itself out.

5) The group takes on the spoiled daughter of a famous Hollywood producer.  She has a boyfriend with a motorcycle and also she’s a cow.  In order to convince her dad that she’s changed for the better, she starts taking an interest in Todd, rightly assuming that her father’s concerns will be suffocated under the wet blanket that is Todd’s dull personality.  Liz has a sad.  Liz and Todd fight.  They break up.  But eventually there’s a fire and everything works itself out.

Improbable High School Moment: I give up.

Most Offensive Portion: NO CHARITY AND NO BEER MAKES ERIN SOMETHING SOMETHING.

Sweet Valley High 22: Too Much In Love

in which DeeDee Gordon is clinically depressed, but nobody cares

Number Of Drinks Taken: 19

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 5

Main Plot: Dee Dee Gordon has been dating her boyfriend, Blond Surfer Bill Chase, ever since she stole him right from under Jessica’s nose.  Dee Dee used to be feisty and independent, but lately she is clingy, and only ever wants to do things that Bill does.  (Whether Dee Dee Gordon wants to masturbate while thinking about herself is anyone’s guess.)

The thing is, Dee Dee Gordon is depressed.  Like, super, clinically depressed.  No one seems to care about that, though; they just want Dee Dee to stop being so clingy!  So instead of offering therapy or even a shoulder to cry on, Dee Dee’s best friend Patty and Elizabeth “The Meddler” Wakefield create some sort of plot to overload Dee Dee with tons of stressful work, to make her feel more confident.  Because this is Sweet Valley, this actually works.  I caution you, however, that if  you know a Dee Dee in your real life, maybe what you should give her is a bunch of flowers and a prescription for Paxil.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Ned and Alice Wakefield are going on a vacation to Mexico, and leaving their 16 year old daughters alone for a week and a half.  PARTY!

Can I just ask?  Did anyone’s parents actually ever leave them alone for days at a time during high school?  My parents wouldn’t even leave for the weekend when I was a teenager.  Probably because they had learned from TV that, were I left to my own devices, I’d throw a kegger.  The thing is, I didn’t really have that many friends.  So, had I been left alone, I probably would have spent my time taking a really long bath, and maybe drinking a few Screwdrivers to feel edgy.  Parents!!  Why didn’t you trust me to be a lonely nerd?!?!

Anyway, party.  Shit gets broken, place gets trashed.  Everything is cleaned up by the time Ned and Alice get home, though, so what is even the point?  What is even the point?

Improbable High School Moment: Jess throws this party and she gets upset because college boys crash and bring beer.  The end.

Most Offensive Portion: That no one seems to care that Dee Dee Gordon is CRYING FOR HELP.  God.  I hate these people so much!!

Sweet Valley High 23: Say Goodbye

in which Erin has a party cause Todd is leaving town!!

Number Of Drinks Taken: 20

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2

Main Plot: Todd is leaving Sweet Valley!!  OH HAPPY DAY!  Todd’s dad’s job transferred him to Vermont and now Todd has to leave forever and ever for like 20 books!  HOORAY!!!

Elizabeth is, of course, devestated, because how can she live, if living is without Todd?  She can’t live.  She can’t give anymore.  Todd and Elizabeth spend a lot of time clinging to each other, bemoaning their lot in life, promising to write each other every day.  What they don’t spend a lot of time doing is what other, real, people would do in their situation, aka Bone.  A lot.  This is but one of many reasons why I hate them both.  At least give me some (tear-filled, emotional) sexy times, people!!

After Todd moves, Elizabeth pines and pines and pines.  For about a week.  And then she starts accidentally dating Nicholas Morrow.  AGAIN.  Elizabeth!  I thought you’d learned your lesson NINE BOOKS AGO.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica has to get a job to pay off a dress she charged to her parent’s account.  (Not credit card, mind, this is the 80s.  People still had charge accounts at stores.  Ha ha ha, that’s so cute!)  Like all of Jess’s jobs, this one is short-lived.  She starts working for a computer dating agency (but not like eHarmony or anything!  Remember, this is the 80s!  People had to go into the dating agency and fill out a profile in person!  And then the computer matched them on 37 unique personality traits!  And contacted the people about their matches!  Man!  We’ve really come a long way, huh?) and gets the bright idea to start matching up Steven.  Of course, he’s still glomming around the house feeling sad about his dead girlfriend, so Jess’s plan doesn’t really work.  However, Steve *does* start looking at Cara in a new light . . .

Improbable High School Moment: Listen.  If you think two sixteen year old kids who claim to be desperately in love and are about to be separated by 2000 miles aren’t going to spend their last few days fucking like bunnies, you are insane in the membrane.  I mean, at least some hand jobs are in order, JEEZ.

Most Offensive Portion: Um, this whole book personally offended me.  And no, I’m actually not kidding this time.  Liz?  Todd?  Sad that you’re 16 and moving a few time zones away but can spend all your income saving up to visit each other and call each other?  SHUT UP I HATE YOU BOTH.

Sweet Valley High 24: Memories

in which the ghost of Tragically Dead Tricia comes to rattle some chains

Number Of Drinks Taken: 16

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 5

Main Plot: Tricia, Tricia, Tricia.  MAN!  Tragically Dead Tricia ruins EVERYTHING!  Steven’s just getting over her – i.e. he is thinking about another lady and how she might look in her underpants – and then her memory comes back to haunt him, usually aided by Tragically Dead Tricia’s ex-stoner sister Betsy the Boozer.

Steve’s set his sights on Cara, but pretty much every five minutes he is wracked with guilt over finding a girl other than Tragically Dead Tricia attractive.  Even though I’m pretty sure that Tricia’s flesh is starting to be stripped away from her body by now.

Eventually, Liz (of course) meddles in affairs and tells Betsy to give it up and let Steve bone Cara in peace.  Betsy agrees and draws them both a picture.  I don’t know.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Oh, Lord.  Somehow Liz has found a guy who looks like Todd, so of course she’s fucking obsessed with him.  It turns out this guy is a volleyball player at Big Mesa, the rival school, and Liz meets him during a volleyball game.  (In which the Team Captain is John Pfeifer!  Gentle readers!  Don’t go home with John! Because he will do a rape on you.  But not for another 70 books or so.)

Turns out the Todd-alike is a giant douche.  So, pretty much just like the real Todd!  Great!  Moving on.

Improbable High School Moment: Cara is SUPER mature about all of Steve’s fuckitude.  I mean, I know her parents just got divorced and Cara’s dad and brother moved to Chicago and now she doesn’t gossip anymore, but still.  She’s really patient, even when Steven ditches her in the middle of a date.  I’m just sayin, Cara.  Key his car.

Most Offensive Portion: That John Pfeifer hasn’t been exposed as a date rapist yet! WHY MUST I WAIT ANOTHER SEVENTY BOOKS?

Sweet Valley High 25: Nowhere to Run

in which Emily has a wicked stepmother

Number Of Drinks Taken: 12

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: pagina dos

Main Plot: Meh.  Emily, the drummer for super successful Sweet Valley High band Zack Attack The Droids, is having some problems at home.  Specifically, her problem is her stepmother, who is kind of a crazy bitch.  She lays down all these rules on Emily and makes her cry a lot.

Emily wants to run away and live with her biological mother, who left when Emily was younger.  But of course, she can’t find her bio mom, cause her bio mom has run off to Mexico.  Sorry, Ems!

Elizabeth decides to meddle in Emily’s life to help her.  (New drinking game rule!  Drink anytime you’re reading one of my SVH reviews and you read the words “Elizabeth decides to meddle.”)  She and Emily’s maybe-more-than-friend team up and there’s some melarky about buying Emily’s drums and, I don’t know, I had taken two Tylenol PM before reading this book, so I’m not really sure what happens.

At some point, though, Emily’s baby half-sister Karrie chokes on a bead and Emily saves her.  Eventually, this leads Emily’s stepmother to like her again.  It only took the near-death of a tiny baby!  How incredibly likely and undramatic!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Grandpa and Grandma Wakefield are visiting and Liz and Jess are INORDINANTLY excited.  They plan all these events with their grandparents and talk about how awesome it all is.  This leads their mother Alice to feel sad and guilty, because she thinks she’s spending too much time at work.  (Ned, who spends all his time at work, doesn’t feel guilty at all, of course, because the patriarchy is just fine with men working all the time and being parents.  I hate you, patriarchy!)

Liz and Jess cluelessly make their mom feel even worse, because it is a truth universally acknowledged that no one in the entire world can be quite as cruel as a teenage girl can be to her mother.  (sorry, mom!)  But eventually they wise up and everyone is happy again.

Improbable High School Moment: Um.  I love my grandparents.  I wish they were still alive.  But do teenagers REALLY get that excited to spend time with their grandparents?

Most Offensive Portion: I am going to punch you in your balls, Patriarchy!  Stop making me feel guilty!

Okay!!  That’s it for this round!  I hope you have enjoyed your latest journey through the Tunnel of Lols that is Sweet Valley High.  Come back next time for kidnapping, rocking chairs and an Enid vs Amy Sutton THROWDOWN (with Bobby Flay)!

BOOK REPORT for something like fate by susane colasanti

bff charm: meh
swoonworthy scale: 4
talky talk: like, he goes, totally
bonus factor: fortune telling, note codes
relationship status: i’m just not that into you

the deal:

lani and erin are bff and bonded 4 life. they were in a car crash when they were kids, and erin totally saved lani’s life. but by the end of their junior year, lani’s drifting away from their crowd and erin’s the only one she’s still tied to. erin starts dating jason, but lani quickly discovers SHE’S the one with the soulmate connection with jason. natch, major dramz to follow.

bff charm: meh

so, lani’s nice and all, but she’s kind of boring. i didn’t get any sort of feel for her at all, except maybe that she wishes she was princess mia (big environmentalist, likes to make lists, dunno about the diary but the story’s written in first person). but she’s not as sweet or hilarious or endearing or lovable as princess mia — she’s just kinda dull. and all she does is talk about jason. jason jason jason. i mean, i know they have this soul connection, but sheesh. i’m really interested in what’s going down with her friend blake, who’s deep in the closet — only lani knows he’s in there — because of his scary dad, and danielle, her environmental club buddy with the super strict parents, but lani never really gets into that. she’s just flat, and not in a margaret simon kinda way. it also takes forever for her to spill the deets about her car accident and why she’s terrified to learn to swim, and man that’s some important info i’d like to have earlier on. so i’d let her sit with me at lunch, and i wouldn’t mind being partnered with her on a science project, but i’d also roll my eyes when she kept going on about jason. oh! and i’d definitely want her to introduce me to cutie canadian connor, the art genius and a character who deserved more attention.

swoonworthy scale: 4

jason’s pretty 2D, too, but there are some cutie flirty conversations between him and lani as they’re discovering their meant-to-be-ness. and the sparks — the almost kisses, the hand game (you know, the whole “slide your hand close to his and see if he moves a bit closer, then move so you’re accidentally-on-purpose touching hands to see if he’ll grab yours, then he hooks his pinky over yours, then you hook yours back around his, then he takes your hand and OMG you’re FINALLY holding hands!” thing), the first kiss — all these are pretty sparky and pretty authentic. if i felt like i knew jason and lani better, i’d give it higher marks, but it’s still pretty sweet for that innocent first love stuff.

talky talk: like, he goes, totally

i’m all for authentic teenspeak in my YA books, but dude, i don’t ACTUALLY want authentic teenspeak — you know, all that “he goes, ‘oh my god’ and i go, ‘i know!’ then she goes, ‘like, no way!’ that kind of talk just distracts me and is the stuff i’d rather infer than have to read out in dialogue. but i will say the first-person narrative totally reads like an embarrassing diary entry of a high school girl — pretty self-(and Jason-)centered stuff, and the tone is right on.

bonus factor: fortune telling

lani and erin and blake are totally into astrology and the magic 8 ball and palmistry. there’s a lot of fate talk, and asking the great energy for a sign stuff — the whole plot is that lani and jason are fated to be together, and erin’s just the unwitting facilitator of their relationship.

bonus factor: note code

jason and lani have a code for writing notes. it’s not complicated, but i love the days of coded notes slipped in lockers. way better than txt and mYsPaCe-ese.

casting call:

this was really hard because honestly, i didn’t connect enough with the characters to pay much attention to casting this. it’s easiest to throw in a couple of the latest disney kids (and can i throw in here OMG the disney channel site is SO ANNOYING). although miley cyrus could totally be erin — kinda bitchy, way too into herself to notice everyone around her.

demi lovato as lani

robert adamson as jason

miley cyrus as erin

relationship status: i’m just not that into you

from it’s match.com profile, this book had SO MUCH potential, and i was pretty stoked about our first date. but i quickly realized it’d never open up to me and i’d never get to know it well. it kept giving me glimpses of a cool personality — blake and danielle, the unexplored metaphor of swimming and self-discovery, that magnetic connection between two people — but every time i tried to get to know it better, they just disappeared. so sorry, book, but i just don’t think it’ll work out between us. you’re a good match on paper but there was just no chemistry.

FTC Full Disclosure: My review copy was a free ARC I received from Penguin. I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). Something Like Fate will be released May 18, 2010

You guys didn’t think I’d forgotten about poor Sweet Valley High, did you?  Well, I didn’t forget.  I willfully ignored them.  That’s different.

But lo, here I am, with yet another installment of our favorite shitbags, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, and their many and varied friends and family members, all as horrible as they are (except for Lila, of course!).

Where we last left off, Tricia Martin had just kicked the bucket and everyone had a sad. Of course, Tricia Martin’s tragic young death has cast a shadow over Sweet Valley, leaving everyone struggling with their grief for the next few months. Ha ha! Just kidding! No one ever talks about her again! Smell ya later, Tricia!

Sweet Valley High 16:  Rags to Riches

in which Roger Barrett’s mom follows Tricia to The Great Beyond (stalker much?), and Roger becomes Instantly Rich

Number Of Drinks Taken: 31!  Now we’re talkin’!

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 7

Main Plot: Guess what!  Roger Barrett isn’t Roger Barrett at all!  He’s actually Roger Patman!  You see, Mr Patman (Bruce’s dad)’s brother totally had an extramarital affair with Roger’s mother, and Roger was the result!  You guys!  This is nearly as scandalous as Jesse James cheating on Sandy Bullock!  Except that Roger’s mom isn’t America’s Sweetheart, so no one really cares.

The Mr Patman who is Bruce’s dad takes Roger in, much to the dismay of 1Bruce1 and Bruce’s mom.  Of course, now that Roger is a Patman, Jessica has him in her sights.  She only needs a little help from Bruce’s mom, who hates Roger because he’s poor and likes running.  (Such a filthy, solitary sport.)

Of course, where does this leave poor, frizzy-haired Olivia?  Handmaking her own clothes, as always, and whining cause her boyfriend is too rich for her now.  Um, Olivia?  Shut up.  If anyone in your life becomes suddenly rich, it is AWESOME.  Or, well, I imagine it would be, anyway.  Endless mimosas!

Anyway, Elizabeth fixes everything, of course, because she can’t stand to not intrude in other people’s lives.  Ugh.  I hate you, Elizabeth Wakefield.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Regina Morrow has been spotted with a mysterious older man!  Who kisses her!  ON THE CHEEK!   CLEARLY they are having relations of a sexual nature!

Or at least that’s what Lila thinks, so she follows Regina around in her lime green Triumph.  (Not the most stealth car.)  It turns out that Regina has actually landed a big modeling contract, even though, as we all know, she has a disability.  Man!  Deaf people!  They’re just like us!

Lila tries to go for the modeling job as well, but gets turned down.  Regina is just too beautiful, you guys!  And do you know why?  Do you?  It’s cause her beauty comes from the inside.  And because she has good genes, but whatever.

Improbable High School Moment: I can’t decide, but I think it’s that Mrs Patman so willingly involved a high school student in her subterfuge.  I mean, this is high-level, family-ruining espionage, lady.  Hire Serena van der Woodson, at the very least.

Most Offensive Portion: Pretty much everytime Elizabeth shows up in this book.  Ugh!  She’s such a smarmy know-it-all!  You know what, Elizabeth?  You’re LAME.  And your hair looks stupid in that fucking ponytail.

Sweet Valley High 17:  Love Letters

in which Caroline Pearce dates George Glass

Number Of Drinks Taken: 15

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 9

Main Plot: Caroline Pearce is a sad, lonely, miserable little girl.  Is it because she has red hair?  Is it because she dresses like a nerd who thinks J Crew is way too wild?  No.  It’s because everyone hates her.  And why does everyone hate Caroline Pearce?  Is it because she gossips like crazy?  Is it because she is ALWAYS intruding on people’s private conversations?  Is it because she’s needy and clingy?  No, of course not!  It’s because she doesn’t have a boyfriend.  Don’t you see?  Having a boyfriend makes everything better!  No one will care that you have told the entire school about that itching sensation down there as long as you have someone to split a vanilla malt with at the Dairi Burger!

So Caroline does what any normal, sane girl with vague sociopathic tendencies would do.  She invents a boyfriend.  Adam is wonderful, and gorgeous, and oh so romantic!  So romantic, in fact, that he straight up cribs from Robert Browning, because Adam is also a cliche.  (Well, at least it isn’t Byron.)

Jessica and Lila think this is AWESOME (or maybe a little unbelievable) and no one seems to think it’s weird that a 16 year old boy says things like “tomorrow we meet the same then, dearest?  may i take your hand in mine?” even though NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT EVER.

But!  By strange coincidence, Elizabeth is writing a One Act play about Robert Browning.  Because that’s just the sort of thing she would do.  Because she is determined to make me despise her.  Anyway, Elizabeth is reading her One Act for her family, and Jessica recognizes the quotes from Caroline’s letters.  She thinks that Adam’s just a plagerizer, and doesn’t realize that Caroline is actually the plagerizer, and that Adam’s not real.  Probably because even Jessica doesn’t think someone can be crazy enough to invent a boyfriend.  (I invented boyfriends all the time when I was single.  They were usually large, short-tempered and just in the bathroom, and wouldn’t like to see Douchey McCargoShorts hitting on me at the bar.  Ahem.)

Elizabeth finds out Caroline’s secret and, incredibly, agrees NOT TO PERFORM HER ONE ACT PLAY BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE WILL DISCOVER CAROLINE’S SECRET.  I could actually vomit.  Liz!  You are the DUMBEST HUMAN ALIVE.

The day of Lila and Jessica’s party shows up, Caroline gets up the nerve to tell everyone the truth, and just in the nick of time, a friend that Todd hired shows up so that he can pretend to be Adam at the party.  But lo, Caroline has Grown As A Person in these last 15 pages, and tells the truth anyway.  And then she and Fake-Adam totally make out.  Because Fake-Adam has just met her and doesn’t know how annoying she is.

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Actually, it sort of is!  (I know; I was upset too.)  Caroline goes digging through the Wakefield’s trash, because she’s that desperate for a scoop, and finds a letter addressed to Mrs Wakefield, offering her a job in San Francisco.  SAN FRANCISCO!  Can you imagine?  Leaving tidy, small Sweet Valley for San Francisco, that capital of hedonism, opera and chinese food?  WHAT IS MRS WAKEFIELD THINKING?  So Jessica and Elizabeth hatch a scheme to keep their parents from wanting to leave Sweet Valley.  Mostly it involves tourism brochures and some veal.  I dunno.  But anyway, eventually Ned and Alice decide that stinky old San Francisco, with its gays and charming townhouses, in no way tops Sweet Valley’s split-level ranch homes and heteronormative behavior.  Thank God!

Improbable High School Moment:

I had a lover—shame avaunt!
This poor wrenched body, grim and gaunt,
Was kissed all over till it burned,
By lips the truest, love e’er turned
His heart’s own tint: one night they kissed
My soul out in a burning mist.

HIGH SCHOOL BOYS DO NOT WRITE THIS WAY.

Most Offensive Portion: Seriously, Liz Wakefield?  You would seriously not complete an assignment because it might make people realize that someone else was telling a fib?  SERIOUSLY?

Sweet Valley High 18: Head Over Heels

in which Bruce Patman and Regina Morrow are sittin’ in a tree.  K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Number Of Drinks Taken: 19 (low, considering Bruce shows up a lot!)

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: pg 2.  ah, back to old form.

Main Plot: Y’all.  Y’ALL.  Regina Morrow is IN LOVE with Bruce Patman!!  I know!  I can’t believe it either!  I guess she sees something we don’t?  I mean, he is really cute.  And he does drive a Porche.  And I guess he’s never tried to date rape her.  So he probably seems like a good catch.  What’s even CRAZIER is that Bruce is totally in love with Regina too!  Yes!  Even though she’s deaf!

Because Regina has a Magic Vagina, Bruce totally turns into a nice guy.  I think he probably even helps old ladies across the street!  That’s what a Magic Vagina is capable of!

Jessica, of course, must interfere with Their Perfect Love, because she is Jessica and that’s just how she is.  Also, she and Lila made a bet, and if Jessica can get them to break up, Lila has to write her History term paper.  I’d take that bet!

Jessica succeeds in breaking them up (by telling Regina that Bruce is only dating her to be voted Farm King, or something).  But the whole thing is even further tangled because Regina’s family wants her to go to Switzerland and have an operation to get her hearing restored.  (Oh!  Also we learn Why Regina Is Deaf.  Her mom took DIET PILLS.  WHILST PREGNANT.  Did you know that diet pills will ruin your fetus’s hearing??  That’s why I go the opposite direction and only eat things containing cheese and carbs.  Not that I’m preggers or anything but maybe someday an alien fetus will be implanted in me like in X-Files and I won’t know about it and at least this way the alien baby won’t be deaf when it hatches from my cauterized womb.)

Moving on.

Everything gets worked out, but Bruce realizes that, if Regina knows that he really does love her, she’ll never leave for Switzerland.  (Don’t be so sure, Bruce.  Have you had fondue before?)  So he selflessly allows Regina to think he’s an asshole so that she’ll board the plane, aka, he takes the choice out of her hands and decides how she will live her life.  Thanks, Bruce!  You’re a swell dude!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: There’s a carnival?  And Mrs. Morrow is the parent helper?  Which is how Liz finds out about Regina and Bruce’s fight in time to help Bruce slip an apology letter in Regina’s bag?  Which means this is the SECOND BOOK IN A ROW in which the sub-plot is at least a bit related to the main plot.  DAMNIT, SWEET VALLEY!  Don’t go getting good on me!

Improbable High School Moment: And, even worse, pretty much all of the stuff is believable!  I mean, Regina and Bruce fall head over heels in a week, but I only have to look at the Facebook status updates of my 15 year old cousin Kodi to know that that’s true-to-life.  Regina refuses to go to Switzerland for a year, because she’s finally settled in at SVH and has a boyfriend.  Also pretty realistic.  Even Bruce having a dramatic change of heart is fairly realistic for a high school boy (though maybe not a high school boy who drives a Porche).   Damnit, Sweet Valley High!  This is your second warning!

Most Offensive Portion: That Bruce just makes up Regina’s mind for her.  ugh!  I guess I expect nothing better from a date rapist.

Sweet Valley High 19:  Showdown

in which Lila and Jessica both date Crazy Jack

Number Of Drinks Taken: 19

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: pg 3

Main Plot: Lila meets smooth, handsome Jack working as part of her father’s construction crew.  Even though Jack totally works with his hands (ew!), Lila suspects that he’s actually a rich boy in disguise!  Which he is!  Jack is making his own way!  He’s learning about hard work and independance!  He won’t be tied down by his father’s demands!

Yeah, right.

Jessica meets Jack at Lila’s pool party, and is instantly smitten.  Soon, Jack starts dating BOTH girls – Lila on the weekends, and Jessica during the week.  Jack keeps promising Jessica that he’ll break it off with Lila, and meanwhile proposes to Lila.

All this is INCREDIBLY boring.  Until!  Jessica snoops around in Jack’s medicine cabinet and finds DRUGS.  Not just pansy-ass Enid Rollins drugs, either.  ACTUAL DRUGS LIKE YOU SEE ON CABLE TV.

It turns out that Jack is totally a CRAZYCAKES person who pretends to be rich and also pretends his family (who tragically died when he was young) is still alive.  Dang!  Why wasn’t this whole book about how AWESOME Jack is?  You know who would have known how to write this shit? V.C. Andrews.  She wouldn’t have tied up Jack’s storyline in 5 pages at the Dairi Burger.  She would have had him out raping his sister or something and then kidnapping someone, killing them and them pretending to be him.  Man!  I wish I were reading V.C. Andrews!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: OH NO.  So Liz is tasked with taking over the editor-in-chief job at the Oracle from Penny, who’s come down with a case of mono (slut).  Liz starts noticing these awesome photos from a mysterious photographer who turns out to be Penny’s little sister Anita, but none of that is important.  What IS important is that, as Liz is going through Anita’s work, she comes across a photo of George Warren and Former Fattie Robin Wilson .  . . KISSING.  George Warren is Enid’s boyfriend, you may remember.  WHAT THE WHAT?  How can anyone cheat on plain, boring Enid?  With a FORMER FATTIE?!!?!  George, have you no shame?

Improbable High School Moment: Former Fattie Robin Wilson is getting her pilot’s license!  SHE IS SIXTEEN.  Also, who the hell gets engaged in high school???  Wait, scratch that, the first time a guy asked me to marry him was in high school.  High school boys are weird (they don’t grow out of it).

Most Offensive Portion: Um, I believe I have already covered this.  WHY wasn’t this book written by VC Andrews????

Sweet Valley High 20: Crash Landing!

in which George tries to break up with Enid, crashes his plane, and Enid is paralyzed

Number Of Drinks Taken: 15

First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: pg 13

Main Plot: So remember how Liz found out that George was cheating on Enid with Former Fattie Robin Wilson?  She confronted them, OF COURSE, and George promised that he was going to tell Enid the truth – and dump her - that night as he took her up as his first passenger.

Well, that plan totally worked except for how George crashed the plane, and Enid broke her spine trying to rescue him.  Oops.  It’s always something, isn’t it, George?

So, Enid’s paralyzed, George is paralyzed with guilt, and Former Fattie Robin Wilson is EATING HER SHAME.  (that’s the first smart thing she’s done in 10 books!)

Enid has an operation and every gets upset because she is supposed to miraculously walk again, and it isn’t happening.  OBVS the writers in the Francine Pascal Cabal have never seen Friday Night Lights. They don’t start walking again, Lyla, okay?  STREET IS NEVER GOING TO WALK AGAIN.

Elizabeth thinks that Enid is just stubbornly refusing to walk because she doesn’t want to lose George.  So she hatches a plan with Teddy, Mr Collins’ six-year-old.  SIX.  Okay?  I just want you to keep that age in your head because ELIZABETH IS A FUCKING MORON.

Her plan is to get Teddy to pretend he is drowning so that Enid, a lifeguard, will jump in and save him.  IS SHE HIGH?  You don’t ask a six year old to pretend they are drowning and HOPE your whackadoo best friend will remember how to use her legs and jump in and save him!  Elizabeth!  I HATE YOU.

Anyway, her plan works, of course, cause Liz shits gold biscuits, and Enid realizes that she could fly walk all along, and she selflessly let’s George go to date Former Fattie Robin Wilson EVEN THOUGH HE WAS CHEATING ON HER FOR WEEKS.  Ugh!  Enid!  At least key his car!

Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jess and Lila (prior to last week’s slight debacle with a homocidal maniac) signed up for a gourmet cooking course.  Their instructor is hot, and French, which of course insures Jessica’s interest.  But, as it turns out, Jess has a real knack for cooking!  She even makes puff pastry, from scratch!  I can’t make puff pastry from scratch!  (Of course, if I had a marble pastry board, I could.  Man!  I need to get married so I can register for cooking stuff!)

Jessica decides to cook a special dinner for her parents’ anniversary, and does a trial run at dinner the week before.  Unfortunately, she cooks mussels, and unfortunately, she doesn’t know that the mussels have to open while steaming, and serves them anyway.  So, okay, everyone gets food poisoning.  But they’re TOTAL JERKFACES about it.  Like, Jessica tried, okay?  Shut up, Ned and Alice Wakefield!  And smug Elizabeth!  I hate all of you so much!

Improbable High School Moment: What 16 year old just shrugs their shoulders when they find out their boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on them.  Has the Cabal ever even MET a 16 year old?  Ugh!

Most Offensive Portion: Man, the Wakefields are SUCH ASSHOLES.  Okay, so, yes, Jessica poisoned them.  But it was an ACCIDENT.  And she’s TRYING to do something nice.  And all they can do is make fun of her.  Fucking Wakefield douchecanoes!

That’s it for this round!  Next time, we have runaways, the ghost of Dead Tricia, Grandma and Grandpa Wakefield and, even more importantly, our first SVH Series Book, Perfect Summer!!!  I’M SO EXCITED!  I’M SO EXCITED!  I’M SO SCARED!