BOOK REPORT for criss cross by lynne rae perkins

bff charm: yay!  yay!  yay!
swoonworthy scale: 6
talky talk: vacation brain
bonus factors: illustrations, dubs true, suburban life
 relationship status: chaste first love

the deal:

Debbie is a 14-year-old girl living in the small town of Seldem in the early 1970s.  She wishes something, anything, would happen to her.  Something good.  She wishes that her mother wouldn’t be so old-fashioned, and insist she wear checkered jumpers and blue jeans with bunnies on them.  She wishes that Dan Persik, high school football hero, would notice her.  She wishes she weren’t in Seldem.

Hector is also 14 and also lives in Seldem.  He wants to get up the nerve to talk to Meadow, the girl with the dancing eyes and glowing skin.  He wants to learn to play the guitar.  He wants to experience the little joys all around him.

Both Debbie and Hector spend late spring and early summer trying to transform from their caterpillar selves into butterflies.

bff charm:  yay!  yay!  yay!

Oh, man, Debbie, I want to be your BFF so that we can lay outside on lawnchairs in the backyard trying to tan, and try to parse the behavior of the cute football player, and drink Tang and basically do exactly all the things I did do when I actually was 14.   (Yeah, I drank Tang.  Hey, if it’s good enough for the ASTRONAUTS, it’s good enough for me!)  I want to give you a hug and tell you, with the benefit and wisdom of my age, that you will get out of your little town someday, but that until you do, you should love it for all the things it is and has.  And I would tell you that you should quit mooning over Dan Persik and take a look at my boy, Hector!  Or Lenny!

Hector doesn’t even need my BFF charm, because he has an AWESOME older sister, but I’m forcing it upon him anyway.  Oh, Hector.  I just want you to be my spiritual guide throughout my life.  The way you can find beauty all around you – your delight at watching the christmas lights come on at the used car lot once sun sets, your interest in what the old nun down the street is doing today, the songs you write about squished worms – I really feel like you’re the kind of friend who would remind me to stop and remember how wonderful the world is, instead of complaining about how shitty it can be.

Lenny!  Lenny, you mechanical genius, please be my BFFFFFF.  Because that’s how awesome you are, and how in awe I am of your smarts, and also because if you were my BFF, I could call you up and tell you that I’m vaguely concerned that my car is making A Noise, and can you please come over and take a look?

There honestly isn’t a person in this book I wouldn’t give my BFF charm to, not because they’re all awesome people, but because Perkins draws them so realistically that you feel like you already know them.  I even found myself rooting for Dan Persik, who could just be the dumb jock, but whose eternal struggle to become a person instead of a jackass is detailed so delightfully that I can’t help but cheer him on.

swoonworthy scale: 6

People who have read this book may be astonished by the fact that I’ve given this book a 6 on the ol’ swoon-a-meter, since there’s absolutely no sexytimes fun, but hear me out!  Part of the swoonworthiness of a book, as we’ve always said, is whether it accurately captures the little things - the stolen glances, the confusion, the yearning – that proceed the hot Gettin’ It On times.  And boy, this book knows how to capture a first crush.  The black hole that overtakes Debbie’s brain when she tries to talk to Dan, the way she struggles to tell her mother about her feelings for Peter, how everything that Hector tries to do to impress Meadow comes out wrong – all of it makes me pump my fist and yell “dubs true, girlfriend!” like some sort of wacky comedy relief in a Katherine Heigl movie. 

Perkins knows just how to explain the butterflies, the confusion, and the missed opportunities that come with first love (or, hey, the second, third and fourth loves).

talky talk: vacation brain

So, I have this thing that I call “vacation brain” – basically it describes how attuned I am to the little things when I’m in another city or country.  You know how it is; with nothing but time on your side, it’s suddenly easy to notice the little miracles all around you: the way the snow falls into a pattern on a random stray dog, the taste of ice cream on your tongue, the crunch of leaves under your feet.  I always tell myself that I’ll practice vacation brain in my everyday life, but real-life concerns always get in the way.

Perkins, however, has crafted a story entirely of vacation brain.  She highlights the little charms of little towns perfectly and whimsically.

bonus factor: illustrations

Lynne Rae Perkins got her start as an illustrator, and she illustrates Criss Cross in such a way that the illustrations tell part of the story.  The drawings are sparse and witty and clever, and I want to live in them just as much as I want to live in this book.

bonus factor: dubs true!

SO MANY TIMES in this book I found myself pumping my fist and shouting “Dubs True, Perkins!”  Which was occassionally embarassing in public, but I’m used to that.   Perkins just has a way of writing things that speaks straight to my heart.  Check it:

I felt ten years old and a thousand years old, but I didn’t know how to be my own age.  I had never felt that way before, but now I feel like that a lot.

and

It bothered Patty that electrons were so constantly in motion.  It made the whole world seem like a place on the verge of disintegration.  What if the molecules in this chair got all excited and spun apart?  What if they realigned themselves and decided to be something other than wood?  . . . . It gave her the creeps.

and what about Peter’s “Bhuddist self” theory:

“I think,” he said, “that it’s a good thing to get out of your usual, you know, surroundings.  Because you find things out about yourself that you didn’t know, or you forgot.  And then you go back to your regular life and you’re changed, you’re a little bit different because you take those new things with you.  Like a Hindu, except all in one life: you sort of get reincarnated depending on what happened and what you figure out.  And any one place can make you go forward, or backward, or neither, but gradually you find all your pieces, your important pieces, and they stay with you, so that you’re your whole self, no matter where you go.  Your Buddha self.  That’s my theory, anyway.”

bonus factor: suburban life

I find, as I get older and older, that the books I connect to the most are those that detail the basic hum-drum days of suburban life.  Oh, sure, it’s exciting to read about rich kids in big cities, or dystopic nightmare landscapes, but it’s kind of hard to connect with those sorts of books.  I’m still the girl who played pick-up baseball on the streets, skinny legs sticking out of shorts from last summer.  I still sit in lawnchairs at the top of the driveway at my parents house; the only change is the alcohol content of the drink I sip as I chat with neighbors who stop by.  I remember playing “Murder Mysteries” with the neighbor kids in the front yard, and the loud drone of cicadas in summer, and the smell of the neighbor’s gardenia bush.  Neighborhood Night Out, and free reign through the neighbors’ houses, and adopting frogs that we named Jumpy (there were about 14 Jumpys in my childhood) and trying to teach it to do tricks.  As much as I might pretend to be cosmopolitan and posh, those streets and that childhood are the bones of my body, each point connecting to another in a succession of memories and relationships, making me the person I am.

casting call:

rupert grint as hector

Hector is a chubby redhead who looks, as his older sister Rowanne says, not unkindly, like a hedgehog.  I instantly thought of my favorite British ginger who isn’t a royal.  He’s too old to play a 14 year old, I guess, but I can wish.

chloe moretz as debbie

Chloe Moretz is in everything!  Why not this, too?

relationship status: chaste first love

Someone wrote on posh’s deal-breakers post that their dealbreaker was Newberry Medal winners.  I feel the exact opposite.  I don’t think I’ve ever picked up a Newberry winner I didn’t like.   I mean, come on!  The Giver!  The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler!  THIS IS QUALITY STUFF.  I remember being a kid and looking out for that little gold seal in the library, sure that whatever I found would be awesome.  So when I saw this book in the store, its little gold seal called to me, and I bought it without knowing anything about it.

And boy, Criss Cross didn’t disappoint me.  From the first page, I felt like I was falling in love, slowly, sweetly, chastely.  Its whimsical and gentle portrayal of everyday life – the little vignettes that make up our story as people – made my heart swell until it nearly burst.  Other books will come and go, and I’ll love them more passionately or dramatically, but I know I’ll always hold a place in my heart for this tender little story.

BOOK REPORT for the ruby in the smoke by philip pullman, book 1* of the sally lockhart trilogy

bff charm: YAY!
swoonworthy scale: 7
talky talk: perfect prose
bonus factors: feminism, dickens
relationship status: goin’ to the chapel

*i wanted to review all three books here, but it would have been too spoilerific to even begin to discuss book three’s plot, so just trust me when i say they get swoonier and heartbreakier and more intense as they go. the baddest of the bad guys, the hotter the romance, the more nefarious the plots — industrial espionage, kidnapping, early socialist activism, evil from beyond the grave (or is it?). the last book’s my favorite, but i want to be in a polygamous marriage with all three of them.

the deal:

sally lockhart’s father just died, and she receives a strange note telling her to “beware the seven blessings.” before she knows it, the unconventional 16-year-old is in the middle of two mysteries — and at least two people want her dead. one involves a ruby with a curse, and the other her father’s shipping firm.

bff charm: YAY!

sally is one of my ALL TIME favorite heroines. ever. of any genre. she’s smart — good with numbers and business — but totally out of her depth in regular victorian society. she can handle a gun like annie oakley and is better at playing the stock market than anyone currently on wall street, but she has no idea how to serve tea or embroider handkerchiefs (and no desire to, either). she awesomely doesn’t worry about it, and goes around breaking whatever rules she needs to, damn the consequences and society, but she has a vulnerability about her because of her total cluelessness with cute boys who obviously think she’s cute, too. i also want to give a bff charm to the entire supporting cast, from errand boy jim, who’s just one step above street urchin and has an addiction to sensational penny dreadfuls, to the feisty rosa, an actress whose brother fred runs a photography studio.

swoonworthy scale: 7

the friendship between sally and fred is charming, frustrating and exciting. sally’s naivete is (thankfully) not cloying but almost embarrassing as she struggles to navigate london society, and her ignorance doesn’t stop at her interactions with boys. with a kid like jim, she can be as frank and open as anyone, but with fred she alternates between tongue-tied and painfully gauche — especially the more interest fred seems to show. i love fred. he’s easygoing and funny, but has a stubborn, fiery streak that comes out in his fights with his sister rosa (and later with sally) — a personality that promises to be more than fun behind closed doors.

talky talk: prosetastic

if you’ve read the dark materials series, you know philip pullman writes brilliant, concise prose (and can set up major heartbreak — will! lyra! ILU!), and with sally he doesn’t disappoint. nothing’s flowery or excessive — each word has a purpose and sets a grim atmosphere that rivals dickens:

“His knock brought a child to the door — a girl whose only feature seemed to be, on that dingy afternoon, a pair of enormous, dark eyes. … Presently there shuffled in, preceded by the smell of boiled cabbage and old cat, the owner of the house.”

bonus factor: feminism

my favorite bonus factor! y’all, i wish sally was my great-great-great grandmother (but, like, also magically my age at the same time) because she’s SO awesomely tough and independent. she even makes being an accountant seem exciting and revolutionary. also cool: even the dudes in the book are feminists. v. sexy.

bonus factor: dickens

not dickens as in, “jeezy creasy, this book is 278177381209 pages long!” but dickens as in dark, broody victorian atmosphere with gaslights illuminating dastardly figures looming in the fog. dickens as in poor street urchin gangs making a living killing rats in derelict warehouses. dickens as in cursed indian rubies (ok, that’s wilkie collins, not dickens) and opium dens. you can smell the open sewage on the thames and feel the damp of the fog.

casting call:

emma watson as sally

so the bbc cast billie piper (yep, rose tyler) as sally, but she was too much of a scaredy-cat sally for me. i’d rather see emma watson.

joseph cross as fred

i hope he can do a good british accent.

i can’t find anyone perfect enough to be young jim, but am open to suggestions. dark hair, cheeky, east ender, tough, adorable?

relationship status: goin’ to the chapel

i love this series SO MUCH. i don’t buy many books — i’d be broke if i did — and get most from the library. but as soon as i returned this series to the library, i knew i needed to own it forever and ever so i can read it anytime i want. even if you’re not into historical fiction (and i’ll confess it’s one of my dealMAKERS, not breakers), give it a try — i don’t think sally’d be into historical fiction, either. and she’d probably throw marianne dashwood off a cliff, or shoot her and willoughby (yes, i know that’s not historical fiction, but yannowhatimsayin’).

BOOK REPORT for the jessica darling series by megan mccafferty

bff charm: HELLS TO THE YES
swoonworthy scale: 10
talky talk: straight up with a shot of sass
bonus factors: marcus flutie aka the ultimate mysterious loner dude, the clueless crew, jersey, early aughties, kickass gram, reality bites
relationship status: MARRIED FOR ETERNITY TIMES INFINITY PLUS 1

the deal:

growing up as a redheaded bookworm, there was no literary character who i idolized more than anne shirley. she and i were bosom buddies, kindred spirits, soul twins. she inspired me, she frustrated me (HELLO FALL IN LOVE WITH GILBERT ALREADY) and most of all, she comforted me. because when she made mistakes, i realized that my flaws were ok. and when she soared, i knew that those great heights were possible for me, too.

i say all of this because, while carrots will NEVER be replaced, i’ve found the anne shirley equivalent for my late teens and early 20s. obvs those times have passed for me, but when i hang out with jessica darling, i feel like i’m right back in the middle of that big ole bundle of excitement and angst known as high school, as well as its older yet ultimately crazier sibling, college.

like teenage me, jessica is known as “the smart kid,” but unlike teenage me, she’s also a star runner on the track team and pretty much hates every second of high school, esp. since her best friend, hope, left town. she can’t stand her supposed friends (known as the clueless crew), she hasn’t had a boyfriend since 8th grade, and she can’t wait to get the hell out of pineville, NJ. enter marcus flutie, a total stoner known as “krispy kreme,” who suddenly develops a cryptic interest in jessica and begins challenging her, socially, intellectually and YES SEXUALLY OMG. this five book series follows jessica from the middle of her sophomore year all the way to her post-college life in the “real world” and includes all of the angsty trials and mortifying (yet hilarious!) tribulations those defining years entail.

in other words, THIS SHIZZ IS EPIC YOU GUYS.

bff charm: HELLS TO THE YES

well, i think it was pretty obvious when i compared my feelings for jessica to my adoration for anne WITH A FREAKING E shirley. but keep in mind that although my admiration for both is equal, these two ladies could not be more different. i’m gonna go ahead and tell you right now that jessica is, in the words of a blog friend, an asshole. i mean, she really is. her own father calls her “notso” (get it?!). but see THAT’S WHY I LOVE HER. she’s snarky and bitter and grouchy, but she’s also insanely smart and wickedly funny. plus the books are written in a journal entry style, allowing jessica to really let loose and TELL IT LIKE IT IS. here, i’ll let her sell herself with two quotes:

Junior year sure is starting off with a bang. More like a gunshot through the back of the head.

*

I swear, I would thrive in a communist regime. See, when I have too many choices, it’s my own fault if I make the wrong one. I am much better when decisions have been made for me. It not only gives me the right to complain, but a sense that I’ve had to overcome overwhelming odds in the struggle to become the success that I am.

now, i hate whiners as much as the next person, but when jessica complains, shimmering gold coins of hilarity shoot out of her mouth and you want to collect them all because THEY ARE SO PRICELESS.

but lest you think that she’s just a hilarious biotch, please know that jessica is, deep down, a good person, and as she wrestles with the pains of growing up, there are plenty of times when you just want to give her a hug and say, “i promise, it will get better. esp. because you’re probably the next tina fey.”

swoonworthy scale: 10

that’s right. I GAVE THIS SERIES A 10. AND I’VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE FOR ANY BOOK, EVEN JELLICOE ROAD, SO YEAH THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. but if there is any book that deserves a perfect swoon score, it’s this series, because it manages to achieve the ULTIMATE trifecta of swoon: hotness, chemistry and uncertainty. and it does all of this over the span of five books! that’s some insane sexual stamina!

the reason for this score is, of course, marcus flutie, who i will examine in greater detail below (HUMINAH!). just trust me when i say that the electricity between jessica and marcus has enough voltage to kill small to medium sized animals, and maybe, by the fifth book, an entire herd of cattle. if romance is a game, then marcus and jessica are playing EXTREME SPORTS.

talky talk: straight up with a shot of sass

some of you may have cringed when you read the words, “the books are written in a journal entry style.” all i can say is, TRUST. megan mccafferty manages to do what the rest of us only dream of: she has reached meg cabot levels of style. I’M SERIOUS. every single book hums with life and crackles with snappy authenticity, and jessica’s incredibly compelling voice is joined by a chorus of unique, colorful characters. i should also point out that this is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the funniest YA book(s) i have EVER READ. EVEN THOUGH I’M USING CAPS I SWEAR I’M NOT EXAGGERATING.

the only exception to the authenticity rule is the voice of hy, the new girl in school. her slang is major overkill, but let’s just say she speaks that way for a reason…

bonus factor: marcus flutie aka the ultimate mysterious loner dude

MARCUS FLUTIE I LOVE YOU WITH MY ENTIRE BEING AND WISH THAT YOU WEREN’T FICTIONAL SO THAT I COULD SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH. and i definitely mean that in a sexual way, which i realize should be embarrassing because hello, he’s not real but SHAME BE DAMNED. YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT CREATURE AND MUST BE WORSHIPED.

here’s just a FEW of the 4,691 reasons why marcus flutie is a god:

• his t-shirt collection includes the backstreet boys as well as shirts with ironed-on letters to correspond to the day (Monday, etc.).
• he drives a cadillac with a “sexy grandpa” bumper sticker.
• he works at a nursing home (and loves it).
• he has the highest IQ in the school but did a lot of drugs because he “got bored.”
• he is V. experienced when it comes to sexy business.
• he rocks the surprise muscles.
• he is one enigmatic mothercusser.

in summary, marcus flutie is the mr. darcy of YA. YEAH I JUST WROTE THAT.

p.s. the only area where ms. mccafferty and i disagree is marcus’ hair. cos, see, he starts out with… dreads. I KNOW, I KNOW. do yrself a favor and pretend like you didn’t read that part. everything will be smooth (sexy) sailing after that.

bonus factor: the clueless crew

jessica loves to hate on her supposed friends, and i completely understand because IT IS SO FUN TO HATE THEM. the clueless crew is composed of manda, the skank, sara, the gossip (“I swear Google goes to Sara for information.”) and bridget, who actually turns out to be pretty great. sara’s constant abuse of “OMIGOD” and quote fingers never fail to bring on the lolz, and manda’s hypocrite nature is just, well… it boggles the mind. while i’m thankful that i had real friends whom i actually liked in high school, i have to admit that the clueless crew would’ve made my life WAY more entertaining.

bonus factor: jersey

JERSEY SHORE BISHES!!! even though this show came on after this series ended, i have no doubt that jessica would enjoy the crap out of these guidos and guidettes (after all, she’s totes into “the real world”). copious pages in jessica’s journal are devoted to the mockery of her home state, esp. during the summer when she’s working on the boardwalk. but, deep down, just like me, she secretly kinda sorta loves it.

bonus factor: kickass gram

the FYA kickass gram award!

GLADDIE!!!! jessica’s grandmother is OFF THE CHAIN LOONY TUNES, which means you will fall in love with her instantly. she calls jessica “J.D.”, flirts tirelessly with the entire male population of her nursing home and coordinates the ribbons on her walker with the color of her outfit each day. she’s also full of incredible wisdom, such as the WWII insight she shares with jessica after 9/11: “Tragedy was part of our daily routine. But through it all, I never understood the point of being sad when I could choose to be happy.”

bonus factor: early aughties

this is a personal one, because i graduated from college in 2001, so the early aughties were a seminal time for me. plus i’m a sucker for late 90s/early 00s culture, and it’s charmingly embedded in jessica’s story. here’s an example taken from a conversation when jessica tells bridget and her friend ashleigh that she wants to apply to columbia:

“Columbia!” Bridget screamed. “Like, Julia Stiles goes there!”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, yeah! And Meadow Soprano got in, so you, like shouldn’t have any trouble.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly why I want to go to Columbia, because the fictional daughter of an HBO mob boss goes there.”
“OH MY GOD! Doesn’t Felicity go there?” she yelped again.
“Felicity who?”
“Duuuuhh,” said Bridget and Ashleigh in unison. “Felicity from Felicity.”
“The TV show Felicity,” I said, not really getting it.
“I think she goes to a made-up school…” Ashleigh’s voice trailed off, only to come back three hundred decibels louder than before. “YES!” she screamed. “It’s just like Felicity because you’re following your high-school crush to college just like she followed her high-school crush, only in your case it’s really pathetic because your crush is a homo.”

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

bonus factor: reality bites

since most YA takes place in high school, i relish the books that carry over into college. not only do we have the pleasure of watching jessica make the transition from high school to college, but BONUS: we get to see her as a post-grad, floundering around in the real world. yay! and it’s as painful and confusing and heartbreaking and amazing as you know it will be.

casting call:

my love for every single character in the series makes this casting call the hardest i have EVER attempted. in all honesty, i think every reader should make their own choices, because you’ll want to pick yr favorite actors to inhabit these characters. with that said, you’ll see why some of my choices are, well, no surprise (and while none of these actors are teenagers, hollywood still seems to think they can play high schoolers, and i’m ok with that!).

mary elizabeth winstead as jessica

after i saw her deadpan tour de force as ramona flowers in “scott pilgrim,” i knew mary could nail jessica’s sarcasm while sporting her deceptively sweet, honor student face.

taylor kitsch as marcus

i know, i know, i cast him in everything. but HE’S THE HOTTEST THING ON THE PLANET. and therefore totally qualified to play the sexalicious marcus flutie.

taylor swift as bridget

look, regardless of how you feel about taylor swift, i think we can all agree that she’s, like, angelically pretty. and so is bridget. plus i think it wouldn’t be much of an acting stretch for taylor to pretend to be totally sweet and clueless.

scott porter as scotty

i haven’t mentioned him yet, but scotty is jessica’s 8th grade boyfriend who still harbors a crush on her. he’s also a huge douche.

relationship status: MARRIED FOR ETERNITY TIMES INFINITY PLUS 1

are you KIDDING ME? i just wrote the longest review in the history of time! so it should be abundantly clear that I LOVE THESE BOOKS MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. because a life without jessica darling and marcus flutie is a life not worth living. this series makes my heart sing, my eyes tear up, my lady parts (ahem) and my lungs almost collapse from laughing too hard. the more time we spend together, the more deeply i am charmed and enchanted, and the minute our encounter is over, i want it to start all over again. these books may have given me a fatal case of TEABS, but it’s a sacrifice i’m more than willing to make for my soul mate.

MARCUS FLUTIE + POSH = LOVE 4 EVS & EVS & EVS!!!!!!!

BOOK REPORT for the truth about forever by sarah dessen

bff charm: yay!
swoonworthy scale: 8
talky talk: straight up dessen
bonus factors: wes, bert, monotone, tasty business, as seen on TV, eff you, gotcha!
relationship status: eternal love

yeah, i used the UK cover cos IT’S SO MUCH BETTER than the oxygen channel shizz on the american version.

the deal:

ladies and gentlemen (er, brian), the time has finally come for FYA to review a book from the canon of one of YA’s most beloved and talented writers– the one, the only, THE AMAZING SARAH DESSEN. i’m not even kidding when i say that i am truly honored to spazz with you about this book, because it is seriously my favorite one in her entire collection and considering that i want to marry all of her books this is like, THE HOLIEST OF THE HOLIES. i will try my damnedest to give “the truth about forever” the review it deserves, because every single girl in the world will not be living a complete life until THEY PICK UP THIS MASTERPIECE OF LITERATURE AND EXPERIENCE ITS AWESOME POWER.

SO!

ever since her father died of a heart attack right in front of her, macy queen has been trying her hardest to be fine. not just fine, actually, but perfect, because perfect means being in control, and being in control means nothing like that will ever happen again. she volunteers on a regular basis, dates the high school valedictorian and combs the part in her hair until it’s straight as an arrow, just like her life. everything is going according to plan until the day her boyfriend, jason, emails from brain camp to say that it’s obvs in their best interest as a couple to take a break [spoiler alert: JASON IS A TOOL]. with her ice queen composure suddenly shaken, macy finds herself drawn to the chaos of wish catering, a company that recently worked at one of her mother’s realty events. in spite of her safety pants nature, she begins working at wish and spending time with its menagerie of employees, all of whom encourage her to LIVE A LITTLE SHEESH. soon, macy finds herself opening up to the world– to life, to grief and, most fearfully, to wes, the (SUPER SEXY) artist with a tragic past of his own.

bff charm: yay!

it’s impossible NOT to love all of dessen’s heroines, because they all seem to be regular girls, ordinary but far from boring, conflicted but never weak. i wanted to be besties with macy from the get-go, although my motives for friendship shift as the story develops. when girlfriend is all sweater-setting it up, i want to ruffle up the part in her hair, give her a double vodka soda and take her out dancing at a gay club so we can LET LOOSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. but as she begins to finally deal with her grief over the loss of her dad (LU COACH JOE), my heart aches for her, and i wish i could crawl into the book and put my arm around her and let her cry and then we could try to make s’mores in her microwave and of course they would tragically explode which would make me laaaugh and then macy might get mad about the mess cos she’s anal like that but I WOULD LOVE HER ANYWAY.

fortunately for macy, she actually gets a bestie that does ALL of the things i want to do, which can i point out is kinda rare in YA these days?!! what’s up with all of these supposed bffs that suck? anyhoo, because sarah dessen is a PRO, she doesn’t pull crap like that, and kristy, macy’s new friend at wish, is the SASSIEST, MOST KICKASS BEST FRIEND EVER. the girl has huge scars on her face from a car accident and SHE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIZZ. she rocks the fashion like claudia kishi, dreams about meeting an “extraordinary” boy and, most importantly, tells it like it is. in fact, i’m about to give kristy one of the greatest compliments i have EVER laid on a fictional character. are you guys ready? ok… she reminds me of… a teenage… DOLLY PARTON. well, minus the twang, which i know kind of defeats the purpose but if you love dolly, you get what i’m saying.

not only does kristy encourage macy to tear down the walls she’s so carefully built, she also does the one thing i could probably never, ever, EVER do: she doesn’t get all bitchy about macy’s growing interest in wes, even though kristy knew wes first. in other words, she’s practically jesus.

swoonworthy scale: 8

as you may recall, wes and macy made my top ten swoonworthy YA couples list, so you know that i am NOT KIDDING AROUND WITH THIS HIGH SCORE. what’s really impressive here is that dessen doesn’t use a lot of physical action– in fact, she rarely does in any of her books, because she is THAT skilled at building an insane amount of chemistry through conversations and situations that feel like they could happen to any of us. what makes this book so swoonworthy is that everything between wes and macy seems, well, natural. sure, there’s a few gloriously dramatic moments, but for the most part, their relationship grows in an incredibly authentic way, which makes it all the more smoldering because it feels REAL. macy and wes aren’t clichés; they’re developed, they’re compelling, and because i care so deeply about them, it makes it that much more urgent that they GET TOGETHER ALREADY COME THE EFF ON.

nowhere is the swoon more sizzling than when macy and wes are playing the question game… that is, except for that scene when she asks him what it feels like to have all of the girls staring at him and OK I’LL SHUT UP NOW BUT OMG.

more on wes on the bonus factor section. because i can’t help myself.

talky talk: straight up dessen

why yes, this IS the sarah dessen love parade! have some beads! no need to take yr top off, kthx!

in my mind, sarah dessen basically INVENTED the straight up talky talk, so i’m choosing to honor her today by adding her name to the term. dessen’s dialogue is incredibly believable, her descriptions spot on without being too flowery. she’s always got a firm grasp on pacing, not to mention a way of writing characters so charming that i would hang out 24/7 at the quick zip just to try to swimfan meet them. check out this excerpt from macy’s head, when she asks wes about the tattoo on his arm:

* * *
“So what is that?” I asked him, forcing the words out, then immediately realized I was looking at him, not his arm, so this question could concern just about anything. He raised his eyebrows, confused, and I added– face flushing, God help me– “your tattoo, I mean. I’ve never been able to see what it is.”

This full sentence, an inquiry to boot, seemed to me on par with Helen Keller finally singing W-A-T-E-R. I mean, really.
* * *

and THAT is how straight up is done. BOOM!!!!

bonus factor: wes

OH WES. i can’t say yr name without sighing and placing a hand on my… STERNUM, PEOPLE. GAH. don’t be pervy!

now, i’ve reviewed a couple of other books featuring my future YA husbands, but wes gets to be his own bonus factor because HE IS PERFECT. he’s a reformed bad boy! he takes care of his little brother! he’s creates amazing sculptures from scrap metal! he drives a truck! he’s smart! he’s ridiculously good looking! and, most important of all, HE HATES THE SMELL OF PATCHOULI.

as kristy likes to say: “SA-WOON!”

bonus factor: bert

ok i realize that i’m kinda breaking the rules by making characters bonus factors but HAVE YOU MET BERT? if so, then you know that there’s not a single YA character like him and he’s a total weirdo and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. he’s totally awkward and wears way too much cologne and his favorite activity is attending Armageddon club meetings and SEE WHAT I MEAN?

bonus factor: monotone

ok, ok, i swear this is the last character bonus factor. but monica, aka monotone, really does deserve it. she’s kristy’s sister, and she’s pretty much her antithesis as well– kristy babbles, monica says two words (and slurs them together because it’s easier); kristy is a sparkling ball of energy, monica takes ten minutes to cross a room. obvs you can guess why they call her monotone. she’s harder to explain than, say, bert, but there’s something about monotone that just makes her endure in my heart. occasionally, i’ll use her trademark “donneven,” and even though no one else realizes i’m quoting her, it still makes me smile, like i’m sharing a private joke not only with her, but with the entire wish catering crew. BETTAQUIT!

bonus factor: tasty business

Y’ALL THEY WORK FOR A CATERING COMPANY. HELLO DREAM JOB. this book is full of meatballs and crab cakes and pastry puffs and the only unrealistic thing about the entire story is the fact that macy doesn’t gain five pounds.

bonus factor: as seen on tv

let’s just say that if you like informercials, you’re in luck.

bonus factor: eff you

i’m a huge fan of what i like to call “eff you” scenes, like when julia roberts is all “big mistake. HUGE.” to that snobby saleswoman in “pretty woman.” well, i’m not gonna spoil the details, but this book has one of the best eff you moments EVERRRRRR. when you read it, SO MUCH FIST PUMPING WILL OCCUR. for those of you who have read the book, i’m talking about the thing… in the library… yeah. HELLS YEAH.

bonus factor: gotcha!

ok, ok, last one, i promise. so wes and bert play this game… well, i don’t want to spoil that for you, either. but it adds such a funny, goofy touch to the book, and every time it happens, i totally crack up (not to mention fall more deeply in love with wes and bert).

casting call:

well, you already saw my choice for wes:

taylor kitsch as wes

look, i know i need to cut back on the riggs. I KNOW. but sarah dessen is actually a huge FNL fan and even though she wrote this book before the show started, i’d like to think she pictures wes as #33 too.

jonah hill is obvs too old to play burt now, but that’s always how i picture him– maybe a little less rotund, but definitely with that cutely clueless determination and complete lack of self-awareness. as for monotone, i just did a search for “long bangs” to find that picture, because i have no idea who could tackle the stoner-ish, slow-as-molasses monica.

moving on to kristy…

portia doubleday as kristy

trust me, if i could go back and cast a young dolly parton, I WOULD. but since i can’t, i think portia will do.

as for macy, let’s be honest. it’s mandy moore, all the way (pro-secret: i actually picture her as every sarah dessen heroine). BUT since i guess she’s a tad old at this point, i’ll go with… hmm… ok, i’ll pick… how about…

SIGH. i just literally spent half an hour trying to find the perfect person to play macy and NO ONE COMPARES TO MANDY. so CUSS IT. mandy is macy, END OF DISCUSSION.

mandy moore as macy

relationship status: eternal love

this review is already longer than most marriage ceremonies, so i think i’ve made it pretty clear that this book and i are TOGETHER 4-EVER. i cherish every page, i adore every word, and i promise to have and to hold this book for as long as we both shall live– AND THEN SOME. every summer, i make a point to re-read it, because i never want to be too far from these characters and the magical summer when their lives came together. and whenever i open it, i feel a wave of comfort and a tantalizing spark of swoon spread over me, because even after all of these years, this book and i are still very, very much in love.*

*note that i used “very” instead of the usual “v.” THAT’S HOW MUCH I MEAN IT.

BOOK REPORT for a tree grows in brooklyn by betty smith

bff charm: yay
swoonworthy scale: 7
talky talk: straight up
bonus factors: feminism, history, brooklyn
relationship status: LYLAS

the deal:

francie lives with her parents and younger brother in a tenement in early-20th-century brooklyn. her mom’s the tough, hardworking daughter of german immigrants, and her father’s the easygoing, charming alcoholic son of irish immigrants. francie — not pretty, but bookish and as hardworking as her mother — grows up and finds her own way in the changing world around her. this book’s a classic coming of age novel, and one i never read as a teenager, but i’m glad i finally got around to it!

bff charm: yay

i had to admire francie — the girl reads a book a day! the book never says whether they’re long books like the three musketeers or shorter ones, but still. that’s impressive. i loved francie’s independent voice, and really felt for her as she struggled to figure out who she was and what was right for her, especially given her fierce love for her father and the battles she had with her equally strong mother. i also wanted to give a bff charm to her wonderful, loving aunt sissy, who married a bunch of different guys and was, in the parlance of the times, a “loose woman” but was the most generous and sweet character (and also sassy) in the whole book.

swoonworthy scale: 7

although the book takes a long time to get around to the swoon, starting when francie’s 11, the story of her first love is short but super poignant and swoony. i was also impressed by the openness of katie, francie’s mom, and willingness to talk about sex. y’all, this book is super old (first published in 1943, so it’s not QUITE as old as i thought, but it did take place a loooong time ago), and katie flat-out tells francie she’d always regret not sleeping with the man she fell in love with, even though they weren’t married. francie’s head-over-heels first love affair rings so true for a 17-year-old. there’s also a fair bit of swoonage between katie and johnny (francie’s dad).

talky talk: straight up

this book might be an old-fashioned classic, but betty smith doesn’t hide the truth behind lots of prose and euphemisms. she portrays the grinding poverty of williamsburg more clearly than dickens, and doesn’t romanticize the harsh conditions of tenement life. the book was scandalous when it was published because of its lack of horatio alger moral message and its unshuttered look at sex and human appetites.

bonus factor: feminism

francie is growing up before women have the right to vote, but she’s the daughter of a strong woman and has several tough female role models. in fact, the men in the story are all weak compared to the women. because francie’s poor, going to work is not a revolutionary feminist act, but by pursuing education she breaks both sex and class barriers.

bonus factor: history

i’m a big history nerd, and historical fiction is one of my favorite genres. yep, i know this isn’t historical fiction exactly, since it’s almost a contemporary account (plus 30 years or so), but it takes place in a really fascinating period of american history — the beginning of the 20th century, when for a poor person reading a page of shakespeare and a page of the bible daily was considered getting an education, through wwI and right before prohibition (luckily, we can still have our gin legally, even if the folks during prohibition couldn’t!).

bonus factor: brooklyn

i’ve never been to brooklyn, unless we went there during my 8th grade class trip to nyc and i don’t remember (all i remember from that trip is getting in a HUGE fight with my bff, and spending the rest of the year communicating through our other bff — kate, tell rachel i’m not speaking to her, etc. luckily, we’re back to being bffs now). anyway, brooklyn is a huge cultural icon, from the bridge to all the annoying MFA writers who live in park slope and talk about the borough ad nauseum.

casting call

this book’s been made into two movies already, but i had a few casting ideas.

ellie kendrick as francie

kate winslet as sissy

tyrone power as officer mcshane

relationship status: LYLAS

love ya like a sister, tree grows in brooklyn. an older, wiser sister who could have mentored me through my own coming of age, and now like a peer as i see similar identity struggles in francie that i think all of us go through (although i in no way am comparing my whitebread middle-class life to francie’s). this one’s on my shoulda-coulda-woulda list of books i wish i’d read as a teen, although it was still delightful to read as an adult.

book report(s) for THE PRINCESS DIARIES SERIES by meg cabot

bff charm: obvs!
swoonworthy scale: 8
talky talk: journalistic
bonus bactors: michael moscovitz, being royal, crazy grandmothers, tina hakim baba
relationship status: our tin year anniversary

the deal:

Mia Thermopolis (Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldi), besides being my very bestest friend, is a teenager living in NYC, with a feminist artist mother and a mostly-absentee, European politician father.  Despite being a too-tall, too-skinny, flat-chested freak with triangle-shaped hair who is largely ignored at her posh private school, Mia’s life is pretty normal.  Her best friend is the brilliant and kind of mean Lilly Moscovitz, and she has a tiny crush on Lilly’s brother Michael, who’s the second-cutest guy at Albert Einstein High (Josh Richter being number one).

That all changes when Mia’s father and grandmother (Grandmere) drop by NYC to announce that, uh, actually?  They’re royalty.  Which makes Mia the crown princess of Genovia, a tiny European principality near Monoco.

So I know what you’re thinking.   “I saw all this in that Disney movie where Anne Hathaway was gorgeous!  Julie Andrews was so nice!  And at the end Mia was princess and everyone was happy and danced!”

UH, YEAH, NO.  I mean, yes, all of that is true, in the movie(s), but the books are TOTES different (and WAY more awesome, obvs).   First of all, at no point does Mia turn into Anne Hathaway.  She’s lucky to make her hair turn into a non-geometric shape, and even that takes years.  And Grandmere?  Um, she’s NOT Julie Andrews.  Unless Julie Andrews has drawn-on eyebrows, chain smokes, drinks like four Sidecars a day and is constantly followed around by a tiny hairless poodle called Rommel.  Oh, AND, Grandmere is totally a psycho bitch.   I mean, a sort of lovable one, but she’s certainly not going to sing a song during princess lessons, unless that song is a mashup called “My Granddaughter Has Terrible Posture; I’m Late For My Botox Appointment.”

Over four years, we follow Mia through: insults, embarassments, her mother shacking up with her Algebra teacher, getting the guy, losing the guy, dating The Guy Who Hates It When They Put Corn in the Chili, getting the guy again, and creating democracies and tearing down cliques.  And doing it all with copious references to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is why she is my BEST FRIEND EVS.

bff charm:  OBVS!

Didn’t I just get through saying she was my best friend ever?  Seriously, if Mia were a real person, I would immediately throw over my best friend to hang out with Mia.  (sorry, bestie!)  We have so much in common!  We both love Buffy the Vampire Slayer and terrible reality shows on Bravo and WE.  We both love sushi and romance novels and fat cats.  And we DEFS both love Michael Moscovitz (which, come to think of it, might get in the way of our bosom buddiness).

And, above all that, Mia is kind and tries to do right, and she’s sarcastic and impassioned.  She’s the kind of friend I’d be lucky to have.

swoonworthy scale: 8

Okay, NORMALLY Meg Cabot always gets an auto-10 on the swoonworthy scale from me, because hello, all of her male romantic interests are amazing.  However, she’s getting an automatic two-point deduction for making me suffer through THREE BOOKS with that cheesehead, JP Reynolds-Abernathy, IV, who SUCKS OUT LOUD.

But let us move on from that unfortunate blip in Mia’s romantic history, and talk about The One, The Only, Mister Michael Moscovitz.  Imagine, if you will, a totally hot, tall, surprisingly muscular guy who will: a) bring you bagels, and b) let you smell his neck and c) totally stand up for you and your interests but let you fight your own battles but also not be a pushover, and d) is a complete genius and invents a robotic surgery arm and therefore is totally rich and e) will totally sit and watch the Star Wars trilogy with you while also getting to second base.  Second Base and Star Wars!  THAT IS THE PERFECT COMBINATION.  (Especially when Lando Calrissian is onscreen.)

Guys, I love Michael Moscovitz so much that I even bought Rooney’s first album, just because the guy in that band PLAYED Michael Moscovitz in the movies.  THAT IS THE DEPTH OF MY DEVOTION.

talky talk: journalistic

It’s Meg Cabot, so you know what to expect: breezy, down-to-earth style, laden with pop culture references.  But the books are actually just transcriptions of Mia’s journal, which includes all of her thoughts for any given day, from eighty exclamation notes in a row, to notes jotted down in Algebra II class, to stuff from her princess lessons with Grandmere, to copies of notes passed to her by Lilly or Tina Hakim-Baba.  It’s really fun to grow with Mia throughout her high-school years, plus I get to revisit algebra equations!  Which is my favorite thing to do!

bonus factor: michael moscovitz

Yeah!  I just did that!  I just made Michael Moscovitz a bonus factor!  BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HE IS SO SWOONWORTHY!   I just want him to bring me bagels and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with me; is that too much to ask??

bonus factor: being royal

Okay, being royal probably ISN’T fun, because you have to spend all your time observing protocol and you’ve always got at least one or two uncles or cousins who are an embarassment to the throne, plus you could find yourself beheaded in a coup d’etat or, worse, end up looking like Prince William.  (GINGER PRINCE FOREVS!)  But!  You’d also get to have all sorts of awesome clothes AND live in a castle AND have your face on money AND hang out with Princess Beatrice, who looks like a fun time, or the adorable Princess Aiko from Japan, who gets bullied at school.  (Princess Aiko, I will protect you!)

bonus factor: crazy grandmothers

Look, it’s awesome when someone wins the Kickass Gram Award here at FYA.  And goodness knows both of my grandmothers were amazing women who I could only hope to be as graceful and adept as some day.  However, they’re also Southern, which means that they would Tell You Like It Is, with my paternal grandmother dropping a lot of F-bombs and blowing cigarette smoke in your face, and my maternal grandmother putting her hand over yours, squeezing it gently, and saying, “I’ll pray for you, dear.”  Which basically amounts to the same thing.

Anyway, Grandmere is TOTES a Tell It Like It Is grandmother.  She’s more comfortable insulting the help and regaling Mia with stories about how she could have been an actress/gone to Sarah Lawrence/married a billionaire than, you know, baking cookies or knitting something or whatever it is grandmothers usually do.  In short, Grandmere rules and is almost always proven right.

bonus factor: tina hakim baba

Tina Hakim Baba is Mia’s second-best friend, and the person who introduces her to romance novels (which then leads Mia to writing her own romance novel, Ransom My Heart, which was actually, like, the first book Meg Cabot ever wrote, and then she released it last year under Princess Mia’s name.  Which basically makes it like the book version of a Chris Gaines cd, ONLY AWESOME.).  Tina’s dad is really concerned that his daughter might be kidnapped, so she is forced to endure having a bodyguard follow her around, just like Mia is.    Anyway, Tina is awesome, AND she turns Boris into an almost-hottie, and for that she deserves full props.

casting call:

This is hard!  This book was already made into a movie, and I’m not sure I can get Anne Hathaway out of my head, even IF she doesn’t look anything like Mia.  But I shall try.

emma watson as mia

Yeah, okay, I know, she’s absolutely gorg.  But did we really see that coming, all those years ago?  No.  Emma Watson blossomed into a swan, just like Mia!  Plus, Emma Watson is totally overly expressive when she talks and I bet her nostrils flare when she’s lying, so she’s a good bet.

nicholas braun as michael moscovitz

Nicholas Braun may not be the second-hottest guy at any given school, but he’s really tall, and he looks like his neck might smell good.

joan crawford as grandmere

Only someone this unhinged could play Grandmere!  From beyond the grave!

avaz latif as tina hakim baba

I’ve only ever seen Turtles Can Fly, and mostly I was crying through it, and I know that Tina is Saudi Arabian/French and Avaz is Iraqi, but maybe she wants to make people laugh for a change?

heather matarazzo as lily

I actually think Lilly was pretty perfectly cast in the movie!

relationship status: our tin year anniversary

Oh, books.  It was ten years ago that we first met, but it feels like yesterday.  In that time, I have watched our tiny seed blossom into a fully-grown love plant, to borrow a phrase from the Old Spice guy.  I did some research on the information superhighway, and it turns out that the traditional gift for a ten year anniversary is something made of tin.  (I thought it was a month-long pass to have an open relationship, so as to keep the marriage exciting, but apparently I’m wrong.)  I’ve looked high and low for something tin to give you, but nothing seemed right!  A Tin Man?  Well, maybe, but wouldn’t the metaphor of a missing heart offend you, the book series that has more heart than just about any I know?  Maybe a tin can?  That just doesn’t seem like enough for the books that have stuck with me, anytime I’m having a crappy day, and allowed me to soothe my anger and frustration in its delightfully-woven stories.

Finally I decided to give you an authentic tin cup, like cowboys use “on the range.”  (Not that awful Kevin Costner movie that was actually filmed right behind my parents’ house.)  Not only will you be able to eat your vegetarian – or occassionally meat-filled – chili in this cup, but you can also strike a spoon against it to make a delightful song.  Books, I know this gift can in no way repay you for all you’ve given me, but I hope you will accept it in the spirit in which it is intended.  Now, let’s make out!

BOOK REPORT for THE DISREPUTABLE HISTORY OF FRANKIE LANDAU-BANKS by e. lockhart

bff charm: Y to the mothercussing ES
swoonworthy scale: 5
talky talk: straight-up classy with a twist of wodehouse
bonus factors: boarding school, pranks, feminism
relationship status: wind beneath my wings

given the fact that “frankie banks” is one of my greatest tools of YAngelism, i figured it was high time for FYA to review it, esp. if a few of you out there haven’t actually read it. OMG YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS BOOK YET?!! WTF HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YR LIFE? GO PURCHASE IT IMMEDIATELY. and then after you read it, come back and thank me in the comments. because i love being appreciated.

the deal:

frankie landau-banks is beginning to figure out a few v. important things about the world. first of all, one summer’s worth of new curves can do wonders for a girl’s social life. second, boys love a good damsel in distress. and third, being a damsel in distress is totally lame. when frankie returns to alabaster prep for her sophomore year, she looks like a different person (read: my humps!), and she soon begins to *feel* like a different person. sure, she’s just snagged her mega crush, mathew livingston, and consequently joined his rowdy, totally charming group of friends, but why does she only fit in as “the girlfriend” and never as “frankie, the awesome and independent thinker”? and when will her family quit calling her “bunny rabbit” and acting like she needs constant care and protection? as the tension deepens between frankie’s old and new identity, she stumbles across a boys-only secret society known as the loyal order of the basset hound, yet another reminder of her status as “just a girl” (y’all, i’m tempted to write this entire review with song lyrics but i will try to refrain. although i may make a frankie mixtape and post it later cos THE GIRL INSPIRES ME). torn between wanting to be accepted by the bassets and needing to prove her intellectual superiority, frankie launches her own highly strategic (and crazy awesome!) campaign to prove her worth. but as the stakes grow higher, she must decide for herself what she hopes to gain and, more importantly, what she’s willing to lose.

bff charm: Y to the mothercussing ES

i don’t want to give frankie banks a bff charm. i want to give her A FREAKING MEDAL BECAUSE SHE IS MY HERO. sure, there’s a lot of strong YA girl characters out there (yay!), but as far as i’m concerned, frankie rules over all. and by that i mean, she is soooo gonna be the first female president of the united states. she’s crafty, she’s brilliant, but above all, she’s Just Like The Rest Of US (voters love that shizz), and i think that’s exactly why she’s my idol. for example, frankie struggles with wanting her boyfriend to desire her while also wanting him to recognize her as a strong, independent person. you may think, “but of course, she can have both!” but you would be forgetting that a) we’re talking about high school boys b) have y’all *seen* a rom com lately? hello, “bride wars” was only released a year ago, and it is a movie about TWO GIRLS COMPETING OVER THEIR WEDDINGS. COME ON. obvs there’s still a lot of effed up gender roles in our society, and frankie faces them dead on while still obsessing over whether or not the humidity is going to make her hair frizz. i love her because she’s vulnerable, but she doesn’t let her weaknesses stand in the way of growing a huge pair of BETTE DAVIS EYES (oh yeah, that’s going on the mixtape).

plus, anyone to whom this quote applies will forever have my undying admiration: “She wasn’t a person who needed to be liked so much as she was a person who liked to be notorious” (no-no-NOTORIOUS!). GAH i wish i could write that in my “about me” box on facebook and have it be true.

swoonworthy scale: 5

frankie’s burgeoning romance with matthew is definitely adorable, complete with illicit parties on the golf course (oh, you crazy rich kids!) and some pretty hot kissing action. but for me, the real chemistry lies between frankie and alpha, matthew’s best friend and leader of the bassets. alpha’s like a less dangerous version of heath ledger in “10 things,” meaning he’s achieved legendary badass status through a combination of pure rumor and his charmingly arrogant personality. part good old boy, part animal house, alpha bears his nickname for a reason, and when frankie sets out to challenge him, the sparkage is both inevitable and awesome. and while i’m all about the swoonage, i have to commend lockhart for limiting alpha and frankie to just a few tingling moments, because as prudish as it sounds, nothing whets desire like restraint.

talky talk: straight-up classy with a twist of wodehouse

i’m a big fan of e. lockhart’s other books (particularly the ruby oliver series), but one of the things that makes frankie stand out as her best work (in my opinion) is the old-fashioned style of the writing. while the dialogue is totally believable and teenagery, the third person narration has a distinctly literary, dignified feel to it. part of this is due to frankie’s discovery of p.g. wodehouse’s “code of the woosters,” which leads to her totally adorable fascination with neglected positives, like gruntled and maculate. her vocabulary soon expands to what she refers to as “imaginary neglected positives” or INPs like petous, ept and turbed, and it’s a charming substitute for what most smart kids do these days, i.e. maxing out on SAT words. overall, the style of this novel feels like a stroll through an elegant estate on a crisp autumn day– it’s absolutely enchanting.

bonus factor: boarding school

alabaster academy is everything a boarding school should be. it’s prestigious, plush and packed with rich kids in search of mischief. plus its archaic rules are just begging to be broken.

bonus factor: pranks

LORD i love a good prank. in fact, i graduated from college convinced that the purpose of higher education is to learn how to do awesome things without getting caught (it appears a lot of CEOs learned the same thing– HEYO!). lucky for frankie, she discovers the value of a good prank a lot earlier than i did, thanks to her cities, art & protest class, which was not, btw, available at cypress creek high school. public education FAIL.

bonus factor: feminism

frankie is a totally authentic teenage feminist, and as i’ve mentioned a thousand times already in this review, i love her for it. her struggle between wanting to be liked and wanting to be respected is something that resonates with anyone who’s ever been a 15-year-old girl, and there were so many passages that made me, a 31-year-old i-like-to-think-enlightened woman, nod my head and say, “i feel you!” for example:

… Frankie remembered how Matthew had called her a “pretty package,” how he’d called her mind little, how he’d told her not to change– as if he had some power over her. A tiny part of her wanted to go over to him and shout, “I can feel like a hag some days if I want! And I can tell everybody how insecure I am if I want! Or I can be pretty and pretend to think I’m a hag out of fake modesty– I can do that if I want, too. Because you, Livingston, are not the boss of me and what kind of girl I become.” But most of her simply felt happy that he had put his arm around her and told her he thought she was pretty.

um, yeah, i think we’ve all been down that v. v. twisted road before. feminism is awesome, but it’s also hella confusing.

casting call:

i really, really, REALLY want this book to be a movie. with that said, it’d be super hard to cast, cos this book is FLAWLESS and must not be marred by bad acting! so it makes perfect sense that i would pick an actress who i’ve actually never seen in movie but who looks exactly like the picture of frankie in my head. er, right? well, she *was* in the “the blind side.” ok, probably not the most convincing argument. um… what about the fact that she’s THE DAUGHTER OF PHIL COLLINS?

lily collins as frankie

i’m convinced!

as for matthew, i really, really wish jonathan bennett had a younger brother, cos he’d be perfect.

jonathan bennett as matthew

i literally spent HOURS online trying to cast alpha, which yes, is kind of sad. even sadder, after wasting all of those hours on imdb (then again, that’s kind of what it’s for, right?) I FOUND NOTHING. nada. see, i need someone who’s attractive but not super hot, who’s arrogant but not annoying, who’s boyish but not a jock. any ideas, y’all? HELP ME FIND MY ALPHA.

relationship status: wind beneath my wings

DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU’RE MY HEROOOOO? YOU’RE EVERYTHING I WISH IIIII COULD BEEEEE!!!!! seriously, i can’t wait for the day frankie banks is old enough to come to a karaoke bar with me so i can buy her a shot of whiskey and then serenade her with some highly emotional bette midler. she really is an inspiration to me, and that’s why i am *compelled* to share her story with as many people as possible. y’all, frankie is a YA feminist icon– she literally rules the school. hopefully by the end of the night, we’ll be drunkenly dishing about all of the hijinks we’ve masterminded and the inferior boys we’ve dated, not to mention singing along to some joan jett. and maybe, if i’m really lucky, frankie will join me for a spice girls duet. ZIGGA ZIG AHH!

BOOK REPORT for WILL GRAYSON, WILL GRAYSON by john green & david levithan

bff charm: yes, yes and HELL YES
swoonworthy scale: 4
talky talk: 2 legit 2 quit, dude!
bonus factors: neutral milk hotel, awesome dad, tiny cooper, high school musical
relationship status: BFF

the deal:

have you ever googled yr own name and then totally judged the other yous for being impostors and then you start to wonder if friends from junior high will automatically assume that one of THOSE people is you and then for the rest of their lives, they’ll think you ended up in a trailer with three kids and a fondness for animated gifs? or am i the only one who still cares what people from 6th grade think of me?

um ANYWAY! so, will grayson is an indie music nerd determined to avoid as many social and emotional commitments as possible. will grayson is also a secretly gay, extremely depressed dude who spends most of his time chatting with his internet boyfriend. while these two wills may seem kinda different, they actually have a lot in common, such as:

• a total disregard for the value of high school
• an inability to effectively deal with girls
• a v. shallow grasp of what “love” means
• and, last but certainly not least, a life-changing relationship with tiny cooper, the most awesome gay character i have ever seen in a YA novel.

through a series of random events, our two will graysons finally meet, and since david levithan and john green wrote this story, it should come as no surprise to you that what follows is totally and absolutely fantastic.

bff charm: yes, yes and HELL YES

there’s a lot of reasons why this book is my favorite from both john green and david levithan, but i would say the main one is the way the authors utilize both the complimentary *and* contradictory elements of their styles to build complex, extremely authentic characters. so when i began the story, i found green’s grayson (GWG, he’s the straight one) to be the more likeable of the two, cos he’s got the indie nerd sensibilities and self-deprecating sense of humor found in all of green’s protagonists. levithan’s will grayson (LWG) annoyed the crap out of me, cos he seemed so wrapped up in his own emo “PAINT EVERYTHING BLACK BECAUSE THE WORLD IS DEAD TO ME” shizz, so much that i wanted to smack him upside the head and yell, “UP THE PROZAC AND BE NICE TO YR MOM!” but then, about halfway through the book, it came as a bit of a shock to realize that, wait a minute, i kind of love LWG and am, whoah, slightly annoyed with GWG! how did *this* happen? when a book can GOTCHA like that, you know it’s good.

by the end, i would award a bff charm to both graysons, but i’d save a platinum, diamond-encrusted one for TINY COOPER, LIGHT OF MY LIFE. you guys. YOU GUYS. you have not lived until you’ve met tiny cooper. here’s how green’s grayson describes him: “Tiny Cooper is not the world’s gayest person, and he is not the world’s largest person, but I believe he may be the world’s largest person who is really, really gay, and also the world’s gayest person who is really, really large.” I KNOW, RIGHT? based on that intro alone, it should be obvious to you that he totally steals the show. in fact, if tiny cooper really existed, this book would be called, “tiny cooper, tiny cooper!” because HE WOULD DEMAND IT.

oh yeah and the tiny black bff heart charm goes to maura, LWG’s goth friend, who writes the funniest emo poetry i have ever read. and i was the editor of my high school lit journal, so that’s saying A LOT.

swoonworthy scale: 4

the romance in “will grayson” definitely falls under the realistic category, which is my favorite kind (in case i haven’t made that obvious in, like, all of my reviews). you’ve got the awkwardness, the uncertainty, the brief but intense eye contact followed by blushing… there’s even the passing of cute notes!!! while none of it really got my heart racing nor my palms sweaty, i was absolutely charmed by the evolution of the various crushes, particularly a certain plan hatched by GWG involving an indie band and a girl’s locker combination (definite swoon!).

talky talk: 2 legit 2 quit, dude!

LORD this book made me laugh. on one hand, you’ve got john green, who excels at believable dialogue peppered with clever, nerdy humor. on the other hand, you’ve got david levithan, who writes in an achingly honest voice and makes the darkest (read: most hilarious) jokes ever. for example, this line from his will grayson: “god bless mood equalizers. and all moods shall be created equal. i am the fucking civil rights movement of moods.” and when you combine these two senses of humor, you get tiny cooper, a drama queen manchild with thighs like tree trunks and a penchant for saying the most flamingly gay thing possible. but, dear readers, it’s not all an evening at the improv. this book isn’t afraid to get serious, and green and levithan manage to get across the moral of their story without any sort of condescension (there is a bit of sentimentality, but it’s never saccharine). lines like this, for instance, really got me: “this is why we call people exes, i guess– because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. it’s too easy to see an X as a cross-out. it’s not, because there’s no way to cross out something like that. the X is a diagram of two paths.” now that’s the kind of angela chase shizz i can get behind.

bonus factor: neutral milk hotel

GWG is obsessed with neutral milk hotel, because he is an indie music nerd and it is a truth universally acknowledged that all indie music nerds love neutral milk hotel. this is a personal bonus factor for me, cos i played “in an aeroplane over the sea,” during pretty much every shift i had at my college radio station. AND NO I WILL NOT PLAY WEEN, SO STOP CALLING AND REQUESTING IT, YOU MORON.

bonus factor: awesome dad

the Cliff Huxtable award of Awesome Dadhood

i bestow this award upon GWG’s dad for a small yet amazingly heart-swelling moment that made me tear up, put the book down and text my dad to say how much i love him. you’ll know what i’m talking about when you read it.

bonus factor: tiny cooper

THAT’S RIGHT. tiny cooper is now HIS OWN BONUS FACTOR. and if you’re worried that i’m raising yr expectations for him to impossibly high levels, I’M NOT.

bonus factor: high school musical

oh, i’m sorry, are you still not sure that tiny cooper is amazing? well, maybe i should mention the fact that he writes and directs A MUSICAL. ABOUT HIS LIFE. and it’s called “TINY DANCER.” BOOM!

casting call:

dear hollywood, i have asked you TIME AND TIME again and i think YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME because WE NEED MORE NERD ACTORS AND WE’RE NOT GETTING ANY!

FINE, then, i’ll go with my classic nerd-i-love:

jesse eisenberg as GWG

and i KNOW i just cast him in incarceron for a completely different kind of character, but i think rory would make an excellent super depressed and repressed LWG.

rory culkin as LWG

obvs, there is probably no real EXISTING person who can capture the gay amazingness of tiny cooper, so the closest i can get is damian from “mean girls.” DANNY DEVITO I LOVE YR WORK!

daniel franzese as tiny cooper

relationship status: BFF

“will grayson, will grayson,” is the kid who saves you from sitting alone at lunch on the first day of junior high, because he’s sitting alone too, and so the two of you accept each other’s flaws (and rejoice in yr shared dorkdom). it’s the kind of friend who calls you up five minutes before a rock concert and forces you to go, even when it’s a school night. after you graduate, yr parents will say, “well, don’t expect to be this close after college, because people change,” but you know, deep down, that you will always be besties, because there is nothing in the world that can change the fact that this book will always make you laugh; it will always be there after you get dumped to remind you that he/she SO was sooo not worth yr time; it will never fail to make you do things that you think you’ll regret, things that end up being yr most cherished memories. this book should be celebrated, not just because it’s an honest and authentic portrayal of gay teenagers (and we need more of those in YA land, for sure) but mostly because it’s a wonderful, heartbreaking and yes, ridiculous story of three boys wrestling with the universal teenage question of “do i love someone enough to pick their nose?” after meeting this book, it only took a few seconds for me to choose my answer: YES, “will grayson, will grayson,” i WILL pick yr nose.

FTC Full Disclosure: My review copy was a free ARC I received from Penguin. I received neither money nor cocktails for writing this review (dammit!). BUT THEN i bought my own copy at the bookpeople event because i love this book and its authors more than MONEY WHAT!!!

roads? where we’re going, we don’t need roads. are you guys ready to go back to the future? or more accurately, look back to a YA classic? cos if my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.

BOOK REPORT for forever… by judy blume

bff charm: yay
swoonworthy scale: 8
talky talk: 2 legit 2 quit
bonus factors: banned 4 life, kickass gram
relationship status: forever

[quick side note about back to the future -- caution, it will make you feel OOOOLD while it blows yr mind: so i realized the other day that the 1st movie went from 1985 30 yrs back in the past to 1955. and in 5 YEARS they could make THE SAME MOVIE, but go back THIRTY YEARS TO 1985! HOLY FLUX CAPACITOR, batman]

i like to call this photo junior prom 1983: 6 months later OR juno, you just WISH you looked this rad. my husband and i had an 80s party to go to (OBVS this is not how i normally dress, cos a denim mini and leggings should NEVER be seen on a preggo lady in normal circumstances) and we totally looked like we were still in high school. so i started thinking, what would i be reading if this WAS 1983? and the answer is totally obvious: forever … by judy blume. y’all, this book is EPIC and a classic. it came out in 1975 and it’s one of the most banned (and celebrated) YA books ever (in fact, it was so controversial that in the 1975 edition, the author bio says it’s blume’s first novel for adults. um, yeah right, here at FYA we like to call that COVER YOUR ASS).

y’all, s.e. hinton might be credited with the first YA book ever (the outsiders), and while she’s TOTALLY gold, when i think of the queen mother of YA i think of judy blume. no other author wrote so much and so accurately about the angst-ridden thoughts of teenage girls (will our braces get stuck together when we kiss?!? will i EVER need a bra? [sorry, hon, not if you're me] and most importantly, should we do IT?). i mean, she set the STAGE for meg cabot, sarah dessen and sara zarr among many others.

ok, on with it.

the deal: this book is pretty simple. as you can tell from the cover of the 1975 ed., it’s all about S-E-X. kath meets michael at a new year’s eve party and they start dating, making out and michael’s totally hot to get in kath’s pants. she’s totes interested, but it’s a huge decision and she seems to be the only one who realizes it. sex, love and forever — heavy shizz, man.

bff charm: yay

kath gets my bff charm — she’s so much like so many teenage girls trying to figure out if sex is a big deal, WHY it’s a big deal and what are the consequences (besides STDs and pregnancy, obvs). she’s also a good girl. she’s sweet to her little sister, she tries hard in school, she likes her parents (her parents are totally rad, by the way), she wants to be independent and make her own mistakes. she doesn’t whine (YAY!) OR want babies (MAJOR bonus — what’s the DEAL with that in YA lit lately?), and she’s honest with herself. plus, at the end, you just know she’s going to be awesome forever.

swoonworthy scale: 8

what? only an 8? for a book that’s all about DOING IT, a book so much about S-E-X that it has a rumpled, unmade BED on the front cover? y’all, that’s because michael is DOUCHY MCDOUCHERTON, aka a high school boy. and while we swoon over high school boys a lot around this joint, none of them are really very much like most high school boys. but michael totally is — i could NOT see what the attraction was, and all he wanted to do was get laid (AND HE NAMED HIS PENIS. he named it RALPH. there aren’t big enough or bold enough capital letters to express my horror at this character flaw). cher horowitz def. had it right when she didn’t even waste her time thinking about high school boys (plus, um, elton or josh? like, DUH!). BUT there’s lots of sexy business in this book, and it’s written pretty explicitly, and (without spoilers for those of you who’ve never experienced this book) there’s a development at the end that has serious panty-melting potential.

talky talk: 2 legit 2 quit

i don’t really think i need to explain or justify this, cos judy blume INVENTED wonderfully accurate teen-speak. all the angst and thoughts and confusion and jitters of first love and gaining experience and going farther than you’ve gone before are there, and so dead on.

bonus factor: banned 4 life

forever is number 7 on the american library association’s most challenged books from 1990-1999. and that’s just ONE DECADE. judy blume is one of the most banned authors EVER. so of course the book must be awesome, right? at least if you’re thinking like a 15-yr-old. and what better way to combat censorship than to totally ignore it and read this book?

bonus factor: kickass gram

kath’s grandmother is a lawyer and planned parenthood activist and helps her make informed decisions about sex and is totally non-judgmental and supportive without being crazy and reckless.

casting call:

shailene woodley as katherine

i don’t know much about her, but i bet she can play sweet and confused pretty well.

jared padalecki as michael

if anyone can play douchy mcdoucherton, it’s jared “douchbag” padalecki

relationship status: forever

i don’t think this book will EVER get old. i mean, it’s as awesome 35 years later as i’m sure it was when it was first published — it still gets read, it still causes controversy, it still makes girls blush and feel not so alone. for a really great article about it and how relevant it still is, go here.

REPORT CARD for JELLICOE ROAD by melina marchetta

bff charm: yay!
swoonworthy scale: 9
talky talk: prosetastic
bonus factors: mysterious loner dude, boarding school, territory wars
relationship status: eternal love

the deal:

although it may look like yr average scenic route, jellicoe road is a magical place that, like regina george’s hair, is full of secrets. and for taylor markham, those mysteries include the key to her past, present and future. see, when taylor was a kid, she was abandoned on jellicoe road by her mother, and she’s been raised among other orphans at the jellicoe school. now that she’s finally a senior, taylor has been chosen to serve as the head of her house and given the responsibility of looking after the younger students and, more importantly, waging the summer territory wars against the cadets (boys in military training, kinda like the australian version of ROTC) and the townies (the kids who live in town). in spite of the weight of these duties, taylor finds herself deeply disturbed by the sudden departure of her mentor, hannah, and the manuscript she left behind, which tells the tragic tale of five people who met their destinies on jellicoe road. haunted by this enigmatic story, taylor begins a quest to find out what happened to the five (fitz, jude, narnie, webb and tate) in the hopes of discovering the truth about her own identity. complicating matters further (as if the girl didn’t have enough crap to deal with!) is the fact that the head of the cadets is none other than jonah griggs, a boy who shares a piece of taylor’s dark past.

bff charm: yay!

taylor markham is one tough cookie, you guys. in fact, she kind of scares me sometimes. i’d probably stand nervously by her locker and, as she rounded the corner of the hall, totally lose my nerve to talk to her, let alone give her my bff charm, because she’s so dang BAD ASS. scarred by her elusive, beautiful mother, taylor has pretty much walled herself away from intimacy with anyone, and her guarded toughness only makes girls like me want to be her friend even more, especially cos it’s obvious girlfriend needs a marathon heart to heart session over a pint of ben & jerry’s. fortunately, she’s already got a BFF named raffy (who i also love love LOVE), but taylor could definitely use a few more bosom buddies. it’s painful to read about her tortured longing for a sense of family, a feeling of *belonging* somewhere, and lines like this– Because people with that much spirit frighten me the hell out of me. They make me want to be a better person when I know it’s not possible– just made me want to reach out and grab her in a hug, even though she’d probably beat me up afterwards.

swoonworthy scale: 9

my reading list been experiencing a bit of a dry spell in the swoon department lately, and “jellicoe road” brought enough rain to float noah’s ark. LORD ALMIGHTY is there some Epic Level Hotness in this book. the chemistry between taylor and jonah is absolutely *scorching* from the first minute taylor lays eyes on jonah’s… boots (let’s just say, their reunion is NOT friendly, i.e. did someone order a hot heaping plate of TENSION?!!). i’ll be sighing more over jonah in the bonus factor category, but i can tell you right now, their relationship has immediately leaped into my top 5 YA romances of all time. Y’ALL THAT IS A SERIOUS PROMOTION. there’s obviously some sizzling physical attraction between the two, but what makes taylor and jonah’s connection so powerful is the tragic pasts they share and their subsequent struggles to keep hope from cracking through their mutually cynical exteriors.

talky talky: prosetastic

i’ve read two of marchetta’s previous books, and while i enjoyed the pants out of them, i found “jellicoe road” to be her most beautifully written work so far. while all of the characters are carefully and authentically developed, taylor’s voice especially rings true in a way that made my heart soar with her triumphs and break with her descents into darkness. here’s just one example of the gut punches you can expect from marchetta’s writing:

I fight hard to stay afloat and suddenly I remember the feeling of fear in my mother’s touch. Some say it’s impossible because you remember nothing when you’re five seconds old but I promise you this: I remember the tremble in my mother’s body when the midwife first placed me in her arms. I remember the feeling of slipping between those fingers. It’s like she never really managed to grab hold of me with a firmness that spoke of never letting go. It’s like she never got it right.

GAH! i know, right?!! my only complaint about the structure of this book are the flashbacks to the five kids in hannah’s manuscript. when you first begin the story, it’s not clear who exactly these kids are or why their parts are always written in italics. plus i had a hard time keeping up with who was who (blame the australian names, aka “ooooh, tate is a GIRL?!!”). in spite of some early bumps, marchetta manages to skillfully weave their lives into taylor’s, and the end result was definitely worth my initial confusion.

bonus factor: mysterious loner dude

jonah griggs is totally the new cameron quick, you guys. AND YOU KNOW I DON’T SAY THAT LIGHTLY. he’s brooding, he’s fit (thank you, military push-ups!) and most importantly, he’s a total enigma. other boys fear him, while girls constantly offer up their phone numbers, but jonah remains an island off the coast of Super Hot Mystique. and, unlike jordan “i can’t read good” catalano, jonah’s secrets only made me fall in love with him more. warning: you should consider every page that he’s on to be *highly flammable*.

bonus factor: boarding school

even though the jellicoe school is lacking in certain boarding school qualities, such as rich kids and designer clothes, it more than makes up for it with the harry-potter-style house system and major dramz.

bonus factor: territory wars

let me break this down for you right here: a territory war is like capture the flag, except WAY MORE EPIC. the cadets, the townies and the jellicoe school kids have been playing this game for years, and every inch of space, down to specific trees, is fought over by the three groups and carefully mapped out. the extremely complex rules are outlined in a purple rule book and argued over extensively by the three group leaders during secret negotiation meetings. students are kidnapped, individuals are ambushed, and it’s basically the coolest thing EVER. in fact, i totally want to set up a real life Territory Wars because i am dying to play. who’s with me?!! we could fight the hipsters and take over a bar! water balloons may be involved.

casting call:

i love these characters so much, i gotta go with my typical favorites:

kat dennings as taylor

she’s gorgeous, but would you want to mess with her? i don’t think so.

taylor kitsch as jonah

hot loner dude? like i was gonna go with anyone else!

relationship status: eternal love

if you couldn’t already tell, I AM IN L-O-V-E WITH THIS BOOK (that includes you, jonah! p.s. CALL ME). and you should be, too, which is why i’m adding it to my top yangelism tools. this book is brimming with two of my favorite YA elements, swoons and mischief, but more importantly, it’s a masterfully written, heartbreakingly beautiful story about a girl struggling not only to find herself, but to embrace herself. the minute i finished the last page, i wanted to read it all over again (and i actually did go back and read my favorite parts a few more times cos we’re talking *serious* case of TEABS here). i’m dying to take all of you with me back to jellicoe road, so if you know what’s good for you, READ THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY. and then sign up to be on my territory wars team cos we are totally gonna kick the shizz out of those hipsters.