Holla! The cutoff date for inclusion in the “my film is v. serious and important” big awards is passed, and we’re heading straight into “oh, I’m so scared! Let me cling to your arm and hide my face in your manly chest!” horror-movie-as-romantic-date season, so we thought we’d host a little trailer party to show off what we’re excited (and not excited) about spending 10 bucks+popcorn on. The best thing about this kind of trailer party? No non-ironic stirrup pants or spray cheese required.

From Erin:

JOYFUL NOISE

Casting Call: Um, hello, this movie stars Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton! You know how, in the early 90s, some studio exec was like “let’s put Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in a movie together; it might be cool” and then they did Joe vs the Volcano and then Sleepless in Seattle and then You’ve Got Mail, aka, THREE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME? That is how I feel about the pairing of Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton. Separately, I will watch them in anything, as my repeated viewings of Last Holiday on TNT and worn out copy of 9 to 5 prove (Steel Magnolias is an altogether different matter, since that is legit the greatest film ever made), but TOGETHER? UNITED? With those voices and that hair? THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE AMAZING!!!

Most fist-pump-worthy moment: Ooh! When Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton get in the fight in the Denny’s (it looks like Denny’s) and Latifah is making fun of Dolly’s face, WHICH YOU JUST DO NOT DO, and then they’re pulling each other’s hair and I bet someone ends up in a side of mashed potatoes.

Bonus Factor: The Reverse Sister Act Plotline. Suburban Baptist Church needs sassy ladies of varying skin shades to take their choir to the top by singing NEW music. Although, seriously, is anything better than Sister Act? I don’t think so.

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: All three. This is the kind of movie you’ll watch all by yourself (unless you’re lucky enough to have a good friend who loves cheese as much as you do), sitting in the back row of the theatre and hoping you don’t run into anyone you know. It’s the kind of movie you’ll Netflix one Friday evening after a long week at work, when you want nothing more than to chill out with some wine, your favorite cozy blanket, and a really greasy pizza. And it’s the movie you’ll watch years from now on TNT when you’re home sick with the flu, vaguely debating whether to put Steel Magnolias on instead but knowing your weakened immune system is no defense for Shelby dying.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN

Casting Call: This is a movie entirely formed by my feelings about the book, but I think Tilda Swinton and John C Reilly are spot-on. Swinton lacks the Armenian features I’d expected of Eva (though I hardly suppose they could have hired a Kardashian for the job), but the tension that seeps from her pores during every minute of the trailer is enough to convince me. Plus Swinton is cold, as Eva is cold, and Swinton is bohemian, as Eva is bohemian. Now that I think about it, there isn’t anyone better for the part.

John C Reilly is perfectly cast, too: Franklin is milquetoast and awful in the book, and I wanted to punch my fist in his face repeatedly. I don’t feel rage for John C Reilly, but his perfectly bland expression is going to make for a great Franklin, I think.

My only concern is Ezra Miller, who I haven’t seen in very much. Kevin should be cocky, awful, just a little sexy while making your skin crawl to look at him. From the trailer, I’m not sure how well he’ll go over, though strangely enough the younger Kevins look just perfect.

Most fist-pump worthy moment: The scene with younger Kevin and the paint. In the book it’s a turning point, the moment you start siding absolutely with Eva, and it looks to be the same in the movie.

Bonus Factors: From the reviews, it looks like this movie is a critical success. What I haven’t been able to find are reviews written by people who have read the book. So I’m holding my thoughts on Bonus Factors for now!

Theatre, Netflix or Sick Day: Theatre, definitely. That is, if it EVER gets a release outside of New York and LA.

ONE FOR THE MONEY

Casting Call: Oof. My mother loves the Stephanie Plum novels (I always promise her I’ll read them someday, but holy hell! There are like 20 of them! That’s daunting!), and a part of me thinks that it’d make me a good daughter if I took her to see this movie, you know, sort of like a Mom date. But the part of me that loves my mother – and that’s a really big part, mind – is overriden by the part of me that hates Katherine Heigl. Because all parts of me hate Katherine Heigl.

Also, I think in the books, Stephanie Plum is supposed to be mid-forties and sort of chubby? This is Bones all over again.

Most fist-pump-worthy moment: Well, Debbie Reynolds talks about lingerie and shoots a gun. I guess I have to take what I can get.

Bonus Factor: Katherine Heigl’s attempt at a New Jersey accent made me laugh for at least three seconds.

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: Sick Day, definitely. Something tells me this is the kind of movie you can drift in and out of while in a Dayquil coma and not really miss a thing.

From Jenny:

THE GREY

Casting Call: It’s Liam Neeson, who I’ll watch in just about anything! And Dermot Mulroney, who I haven’t really seen since The Point of No Return! And a low-rent Mark Walberg! And some wolves!

Most fist-pump-worthy moment: When Liam Neeson MacGyvers a shiv out of those delightful little airplane bottles of booze. I hope he drank it first.

Bonus Factors: The frozen tundra! Airplanes! Airplane crashes in the frozen tundra! Wolves! The question “how far would you go to get back home?”

Anti-Bonus Factor: Silly The Grey, The Lupine Defamation League has spent years clearing up the misinformation about wolves attacking humans. Who wrote this, Sarah Palin? Now, with one movie, I’m afraid wolves will end up back on the endangered species list. Oh wait…

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: Um, Netflix. Maybe.

From Meghan:

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

Casting Call: The Rock, Josh “I’m no Peeta” Hutcherson, and Vanessa Hudgens basically make up the “no way in hell” trifecta of film casting for me (I’ll make an exception for the Hunger Games, but it’s costing me). Michael Caine just provokes a sad headshake, and I even almost checked my wallet to see if I had some spare change to spot him, in case he only did this movie because he’s running short on fundage and already spent all the Batman money.

Most fist-pump-worthy moment: OMG DID YOU SEE THAT TINY ELEPHANT?? Holy crap, I am totally seeing this movie JUST FOR THE TINY ELEPHANT. HIIIIIIII TINY ELEPHANT!!!!! Also when the helicopter crashes into the ocean. If it weren’t for the tiny elephant, I’d like to pretend the movie ends right there, and everyone is drowned.

Bonus Factor: THE TINY ELEPHANT!! Did you miss it? It’s at 1:09. And it’s tiny! Like Mr. Tusks!!

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: Sick Day
Thank GOD my kid isn’t old enough to know what movies are. My husband and I live in dread of the day he drags us to see the latest Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, or whatever horrific crap is being peddled to kids. The only way I’d watch this movie is if I were sick in the hospital and sharing a room with someone, and they had it on their TV and I couldn’t strangle them with their IV tube and change the channel.

From Megan no H:

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Casting Call: This movie is a whedonesque orgy/smorgasbord (Fran Franz! Amy Acker! Tom Lenk!) Okay, I suppose three doesn’t make an orgy, just a menage a trois. But still, a solid representation. Plus, a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth. You know, the hot Hemsworth brother.

Most fist-pump-worth-moment: When hot but dumb Chris Hemsworth announces to the group that they should split up and Fran Franz’s reply (really?)

Bonus factors: Produced by Joss Whedon! Directed by Drew Goddard! Plus, there seems to be some serious Hunger Games shit going down in this movie. Young people trapped within a force-fielded area? Constant surveillance? Some Gamemaker master control set up? I’m sufficiently intrigued.

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: Look, this movie’s release date has been pushed back more times than a Valve game. I’m actually worried that if I don’t see it the first day in theaters, that I may die peacefully of old age, in my bed, before it arrives on DVD. Plus, comedy-horror movies are the best to see in theaters because you have some many other people laughing and screaming in unison with you.

GONE

Casting Call: Well, Amanda Seyfried is the star here. And despite her being in some abysmal movies, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the girl who was Lily Kane. But Jennifer Carpenter from Dexter is there, which is a plus in my book. And Joel David Moore, who I will love eternally for his role in Grandma’s Boy. And some man-candy I don’t recognize because I’ve never watched Gossip Girl or Grey’s Anatomy.

Most fist-pump-worth-moment: Amanda Seyfried saying “I’ll sleep when he’s dead.” It’s a cornball line that never fails to get me excited. Because I love it when fictional heroes/heroines get their righteous murder on.

Bonus factors: Beautiful woman going revenging herself upon a kidnapper/abuser/murderer is one of my all time favorite go to plot lines. I feel like the late 90s/early 00s released one of these every 4-6 months and I’ve seen them all.

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: Netflix, definitely. You’ve seen this movie before, and you’ll see it again. But not for 13 dollars.

From Posh:

THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT

Casting Call: OMG! BEST CAST EVER!! Emily Blunt, who is so pretty and funny!! Jason Segel, who can do no wrong because FREAKS & GEEKS and SARAH MARSHALL and MUPPET MOVIE and WHAT CAN’T THE MAN DO?!!!! And, obvs, ANDY FROM PARKS & REC!!!! PERMANENT CAPS LOCK!

Most fist-pump-worthy moment: Um, WHERE TO BEGIN?!! Andy’s Powerpoint of exes to the tune of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”!! The Cirque du Soleil sex pantomime! The fire hydrant!!!! The treadmill eyebrow raise! THIS IS MY DREAM TRAILER.

Bonus Factors: Well, I’ve basically already listed them but ok, sure, I’ll remind you: EMILY BLUNT. JASON SEGEL. ANDY FROM PARKS & REC. Although I have to say, if they really wanted to butter me up, they would’ve replaced “Pocahontas” with “Katniss.”

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THE THEATER! AT LEAST TWICE! Because I’m pretty sure this is my new favorite movie of all time.

THE VOW

Casting Call: Rachel McAdams is like Mandy Moore 2.0 for me, in that I will see ANYTHING she is in. And then there’s Channing Tatum, who was in not one but TWO Step Up movies, earning him my undying devotion. But above all, BEN COVINGTON IS IN THIS MOVIE, YOU GUYS. I mean, Scott Speedman. Er, whatever. WE GET TO SEE BEN AGAIN.

Most fist-pump-worthy moment: It’s tough to choose between the Meatloaf serenade and Channing Tatum being shirtless, but after careful evaluation, I have to go with OMG IT’S BEN COVINGTON. IN A SUIT. LOOKING FOXY.

Bonus Factors: BEN COVINGTON. And also BEN COVINGTON.

Theater, Netflix or Sick Day: Do you seriously think I’d pass up the opportunity to see Ben’s gorgeous face on a massive silver screen? PLEASE. Throw in Rachel “Posh-Wants-To-Be-Me” McAdams and super cutie Channing Tatum and I might even be there opening night. Armed with a lot of champers. Because while I can’t wait to feast my eyes on all of this hotness, I don’t actually need to remember the plot.

So what movie are you most looking forward to? Grab a champ can and hop on the party line!

Related posts:

1. It’s an FYA Slumber Party, and you’re invited!
2. a highly scientific analysis of the new moon trailer
3. An extremely scientific analysis of the new Deathly Hallows Pt 2 trailer

Hello, People of America. If you’ve been on the internet at all in the last year, you’ve probably read multiple mentions of Downton Abbey, ITV’s WWI-era costume drama which has captured the fascination of people on both sides of the pond. Masterpiece Theatre on PBS is set to air the second season of the award-winning show beginning this Sunday, and for those of you who don’t resort to nefarious means to procure your foreign television like most of us here do and are therefore watching Season Two for the first time . . . well, get ready, children.  You’re in for a bumpy ride.

But maybe you haven’t watched Downton Abbey before and are wondering if you can dive right in! Maybe you just forgot what happened last season, since it aired almost a year ago! Maybe you’ve killed your brain cells with alcohol and can’t remember your own name. Don’t worry. We’re here to help.  (Obviously there will be Season One spoilers under the cut.)

Everything you need to know about Downton Abbey but were too lazy to ask:

1)  The Inheritance Is In Question

Man, what is up with land and titles only being entailed on the male line, am I right?  Though I shouldn’t complain: that plot point forms the impetus for fully 60% of my favorite books.

In this case, the title of Lord Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) and the house and land of Downton Abbey, sustained by his American wife, Lady Cora’s (Elizabeth McGovern), money can only be passed down to men.  They, of course, only have daughters.

The plan was to pass the land to Lord Crawley’s cousin, but unfortunately he drowns in the Titanic, presumably after dining with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio.  This throws the house in upheaval, and the Crawleys must search for a suitable male heir.  They find this dude:

2)  Matthew Crawley Is Your Future Fictional Boyfriend

Matthew (Dan Stevens), third cousin to Lord Crawley and, of all things, a lawyer, has no idea how to be a Gentleman.  He’s unintentionally rude to his new valet.  He thinks that running a village is something he can do on the weekends (prompting the hilarious Maggie Smith’s flustered reply of “what is a weekend?”).  He has yet to punch his godawful mother in the face, despite having lived with her for twenty-plus years. 

However, he is swoony and charming, and totally besotted with this lady:

3)  Lady Mary Crawley, Eldest Daughter, Has the Most Powerful Vagina in All The Land

Lady Mary (Michelle Dockery) is rude, impestuous and spoiled.  She can be cruel or kind to her family and her servants on a moment’s whim.  She never does what she’s told, toys with the affections of Matthew until she realizes that she’s in love with him, and the only person who actually likes her is the butler.

She also fucks a Turk to death.  Seriously.  The very power of her blow job skills and maybe also the strong muscles in her vagina cause the death of a young, healthy Turkish diplomat named Mr Pamuk.  If you did not watch Season One, you will think that this random occurance is a bit of low-brow humor in order to appeal to the Hollyoaks crowd and that it will not be mentioned again.  You would be wrong.  This storyline crops up like a stubborn rash for which a medicinal cream has yet to be invented.  It will not go away.  Apparently, fucking a Turk to death was a big deal in the early 1900s.

Lady Mary has two younger sisters.  They are:

4) Lady Edith Is My Hero And I Will Hear Nothing Against Her.

Lady Edith (Laura Carmichael, left) is a classic middle child with classic middle-child syndrome.  She’s needy and ignored and will throw herself at the first person who pays any amount of attention to her.  I adore her.  This is not sarcasm.  If you talk smack about Lady Edith to me, I WILL CUT YOU.

At the end of the season, Lady Edith is proposed to by a very nice, if sort of middle-aged, gentleman on a neighboring section of land.  Lady Mary ruins this proposal out of spite (because Lady Edith tattled to the Turkish Ambassador that his attache was the unfortunate victim of Lady Mary’s killer labia), because Lady Mary is the WORST.

Lady Sybil (Jessica Brown Findlay, center) is the youngest of the family.  She is interested in politics, feminism, Making A Difference and really awful pants.  Were this show set fifty years in the future, Lady Sybil would have a plotline about experimenting with lesbianism in high school and I would volunteer to be her best friend who comes over for sleepovers, cause Sybil is HOT.

Lady Sybil is the only Crawley who gives a toss about anyone below her station: she helps one of the housemaids, Gwen, get a job as a secretary, and she engages in honest political debate with the Crawley’s chauffeur, Branson the Irish Socialist.  Branson is, of course, completely in love with Sybil, but she doesn’t see it because she’s too busy thinking about how in fifty years, we’re going to make out.

But the coolest member of the family is:

5) Maggie Smith Is The Greatest Grandmother You’ll Never Have

Biting, acerbic and brutally frank, every scene is elevated when Maggie Smith is around.  As Robert Crawley’s mother, she spends most of her days sailing in unannounced, clashing with Matthew’s awful mother Isobel, and telling Mary not to be such a stupid fuckhead all of the time.  Her comedic timing is perfect.

The Dowager Countess isn’t always right, though.  For instance, she’s suspicious about:

6) Mr Bates Wants To Sacrifice Himself For You.  In Bed.

Mr Bates (Brendan Coyle) is the new valet.  Wounded in a war that he fought alongside Lord Crawley, he walks with a limp and his valet skills are constantly called into question.  

Anna (Joanne Froggatt), the girls’ ladymaid, is totally butt-crazy in love with Bates (and who isn’t!  He is HOT.), but their relationship is complicated by the fact that he feels that he’s too old for her.  And the fact that he was in jail for larceny.  And the fact that the reason he was in jail for larceny was because he took the fall of the awful, scheming, alcoholic, just-die-already Mrs. Bates.  Who is his wife.

Much of the staff mistrusts Mr Bates, none moreso than these two hideous creatures:

7)  Thomas, the Smarmy Thief, and Mrs O’Brien, One Of Those Ladies Who Falls For Gay Men

Thomas (Rob James-Collier) is the head footman in the house and really wanted the Valet position before being passed over for Mr Bates.  This makes Thomas angry, and you wouldn’t like Thomas when he’s angry.  You wouldn’t like him when he’s happy, either, because Thomas is THE VERY WORST.  When he isn’t scamming on his lovers or hitting on the soon-to-be-fucked-to-death Pamuk, he’s stealing from Lord Robert and planting the evidence on Bates.  He is detestable in every sense of the word, and what he can’t accomplish, he goads Mrs O’Brien into doing.

Mrs O’Brien (Siobhan Finneran) likes to spend time telling everyone how important she is, being Her Ladyship’s personal maid.  She spends the rest of the time bitching that Her Ladyship treats her, you know, like a servant.

NO ONE likes Thomas, except for Mrs O’Brien and this girl:

8)  Daisy Is So Stupid, I Just Can’t Even

Daisy (Sophie McShera) is the chambermaid in the house, supervised by the awesome (and secretly poor-sighted) Mrs Pattmore.  She has very big ears and very bad hair.  She insists on entertaining a crush on THE VERY OBVIOUSLY GAY Thomas and ignores sweet William, the second footman.  Daisy is an idiot.

This whole motley crew is supervised by:

9) Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes Should Come Run My Household

Mr Carson (Jim Carter) is the Butler of Downton Abbey and Mrs Hughes (Phyllis Logan) is the Head Housekeeper.  Nothing escapes their notice, except for all the things that escape their notice.

Mr Carson is particularly concerned with maintaining propriety at all times, and refuses to allow anything to besmirch the dignity of Downton Abbey.  Yet for some reason he hasn’t drowned Lady Mary in a pond.  For reasons which escape me, he seems to like her best of all.

All that’s good, of course, but where did we leave off?

10) Soap is Slick; Everyone Dies

In the last episode of Season One, we learn that Lady Cora has become pregnant!   Unlike modern society where everyone is all, “I don’t care what we have, as long as it’s healthy” blah blah blah bullshit, everyone in the family is actively hoping for a boy so that they can keep their land and money.   Lady Mary, who had been proposed to by Matthew and was going to give him an answer “after the Season” (aka, “just so I can make sure nothing better comes along”) is counseled by her awful Aunt Rosalind to make Matthew wait until the baby is born.  That way Mary can break the engagement if it’s a boy!  This makes Mary conflicted, because she’s pretty sure she For Richer loves Matthew, but isn’t quite sure she For Poorer loves Matthew.

Of course, Matthew is not about to be led around like a plaything when he has more important places to be (like my bedroom), and so dumps Lady Mary.  HA!  TAKE THAT, MARY!

But it all gets very sad, actually, because O’Brien, spurred by jealousy in thinking that Lady Cora means to fire her (when in actuality Cora is just trying to help Maggie Smith find a new lady’s maid, and if O’Brien would just ASK QUESTIONS WITH HER BRAIN instead of being A SUPER BITCH, she would know this!) , places a bar of soap on the ground next to Lady Cora’s bathtub and then Cora slips and falls and miscarries the baby, and I cry and cry and scream at the tv and call O’Brien a CHILD MURDERING TWATBOX, even though I don’t actually think that fetuses are children, but whatever.  Such is the power of Downton Abbey.

And!  Then this Archduke named Ferdinand that no one’s ever heard of gets taken out and people get angry and England decides to solve it all by entering into WWI, thinking they’ll have this thing dusted up in a month or two.  I wonder how that will shake out!

YOU CAN FIND OUT IN JUST A FEW DAYS!

Meanwhile!

We here at FYA adore Downton Abbey, and we have planned a variety of LadyNerd posts designed to help you become a true Downton Abbey LadyNerd!  So in the next few weeks, you’ll learn how to make a traditional turn-of-the-century alcoholic beverage, how to brew a proper cup of tea (thanks to our resident British Ambassador), how to paint your own teacups and make your own hair fascinators, and much more!  Our LadyNerd series will begin next week and run for four weeks, and we hope that you enjoy it!

Also!  Join me and Badass Digest’s Meredith for weekly “TV Talk” recaps of Downton Abbey over at out brother site, Badass Digest!  I’ve already seen Season Two and she’ll be watching it for the first time, so I plan to lord my knowledge of how it all ends over her for the next few weeks!  Plus bore her with talk about machine gun technology!  So please join us every week for those recaps!

Related posts:

1. The Official FYA Drinking Game: The Vampire Diaries, Season 3
2. Dear Diary, the 1st season of Vampire Diaries was so cray!!!!
3. Top Ten British Shows You Could Be Watching

While the rest of the world is spending the week composing Best Dystopian Trilogy or Most Hotly Anticipated Blockbuster Film Franchise lists, we’ve chosen to wrap up 2011 with what we love best — swoon (you thought I’d say champ can, didn’t you? We wouldn’t turn one down). We all know a good swoon goes with everything, from that ugly sweater you got from your great-aunt Mildred to yet another vampire book, and these swoons are guaranteed to light a few panty fires.

So in order of swoonworthiness (and then letter-by-letter alphabetical order — we’re particular around here), we present FYA’s Top Ten Swoons of 2011. I hope you have a fire extinguisher ready!

Hidden by Tomas Mournian
Swoonworthy scale: 10

The deal:

Ahmed’s a young, gay teen who has just been released from the evil, torturous, “Scared Straight” prison that his hypocritical father and heinous stepmother have sentenced him to.  Instead of going home with his parents, a sedated, hallucinatory Ahmed sees his chance for escape and takes it.

Soon, he’s on the run and taken in by no-nonsense Marci, left to fend for himself in a one-room safe house with seven other gay teenagers hiding out from their parents.  The majority of the teens are trapped in that house until they come of age, and they have to deal with bounties placed on their heads, turning tricks to make the ends meet, hiding out from cops and their evil parents, gender identity, HIV, PTSD and, oh yeah, love.

Ahmed has to figure out who he can trust and how he can stay alive, cause not only does he have parents who he’s pretty sure want to burn him to death, he also happened to witness the rape and murder of a young male sex worker by a dead-eyed pyscho . . . who has now turned his cold, dead eyes on Ahmed.

Can he stay alive?  Can he learn to trust anyone ever again?  Will the memories of the trauma he endured at the “correction facility” ever fade?  Will he win the heart of J.D.?  I really hope you guys all pick up this book to find out, but, fair warning, it ain’t for the faint of heart.

Why it’s so swoony:

Can I have a swoonworthy scale of 10 just for Hammer’s abs and ass?  Even though he’s like 16?  I mean, I just want to get that out of the way.  Hammer, I know I’m not your type but please do a web show for me.

Moving on to the actual relationship here!  Ahmed and J.D. the Pirate’s relationship is STEAMY TO THE EXTREME.  You guys, Mournian is NOT fucking around here.  No little hints about tingly feelings and swoony cartoon hearts, this.  We’re talking full-on descriptions of the sexola.*  But, even though Ahmed and J.D.’s relationship is HOT HOT HOT, I just kept cringing and thinking, “no, baby!  He’s gonna break your heart!  He can’t give you what you need!  Why can’t you date that nice boy from down the street?  Oh, sure, he doesn’t look like a gorgeous Adonis, but I’m sure his braces will be off soon and then his smile will be just lovely!”  Because, J.D.? Is 100% smoking hot T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  Not to mention that Kidd, one of the other house residents, is also warm for J.D.’s form, and is NOT the kind of dude you want to piss off.

Still.  Very hot.  So, so very hot.

*Nothing more explict than you’d read in a slash fanfic featuring the Salvatores from The Vampire Diaries.  Um.  Not that I have ever read any of those.

– Erin

Overbite by Meg Cabot
Swoonworthy scale: 9

The deal:

When we last saw Meena Harper, her vampire boyfriend, Lucien Antonescu, had almost sort of kind of maaaaaybe turnedintoadragonandburneddownhalfofStGeorge’sCathedral, killing hundreds of his own vampire followers and a few innocent bystanders.  This could totally happen to anyone!  But it is sort of a boner killer, mostly because you don’t want to have sex with someone who could turn into a DRAGON in the sack.  Well, maybe you do.  I don’t presume to know you and your life choices.

So that, combined with the fact that Meena Harper has been hired by the Palatine, the Vatican’s super-secret guard of demon hunters, due to her unique ability to tell how people can die, AND the fact that Lucien totally wants to turn Meena into a vampire so that they can live together forever, having dragon sex daily, sort of means that Meena and Lucien had to break up.  I mean, it wasn’t awkward and it’s totally fine . . . except for how now Lucien never tries to contact Meena and Meena is technically working with someone who wants to kill him.

But just when Meena is getting on with her life and maybe finally showing an interest in dating again, all of her past relationships come crashing down on her.  Literally.

Now Meena has to balance one dead ex-boyfriend, one undead ex-boyfriend who seems to be meaner and more abusive every day and a potential boyfriend (Alaric, obvs) while trying to figure out who exactly at the Palatine is trying to get her killed.  Oh, and she has to save the world.  Again.

Why it’s so swoony:

Never before (I think) have I given any Meg Cabot book less than a 10 on the swoonworthy scale.  This is because Meg Cabot knows how to deliver exactly the type of swoon I love, which means fluttery feelings and unsure bumbling, but also sexy, sexy second base action.

However, I had to knock a point off because I couldn’t believe Meena was still carrying any sort of torch for Lucien when Alaric was around.  I mean, I get that Lucien is gorgeous and wonderful and can turn into a dragon and have sex with you, but Alaric is panty-meltingly hot and wears Armani suits and drives fast cars and has a sword.  NO CONTEST.

– Erin

Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins
Swoonworthy scale: 9

The deal:

Lola really only wants three things to happen in her teen life in order for her to be completely happy: to go to her winter formal dressed as Marie Antoinette, for her parents to accept her boyfriend, and to never see the Bell twins (Calliope and Cricket) again. Unfortunately, the Bells have just moved back into their house — right next door.
You see, Lola and Cricket Bell used to kind of be best friends. And then they almost became more-than best friends — before Cricket did something really mean and then moved away.

Why it’s so swoony:

From holding up signs in bedroom windows to talking to the moon, to finding your one true love only to lose them to a misunderstanding — this book felt like encyclopedia of classic romantic tropes. It left me with happy tears in my eyes, staring at its ridiculous cover, feeling that what I had just read was a story that would be cherished for many years to come.

–Jenny

Saving June by Hannah Harrington
Swoonworthy scale: 9

The deal:

A few days before graduation, Harper’s older sister June killed herself. June was the perfect one — perfect hair, perfect grades, perfect attitude — and Harper spent her whole life trying to be Not June. After the suicide, she questions just how perfect June’s life really was, especially after finding out how much it hurt June to crush her dreams of going to California just to make her parents happy, and finding a mix CD full of music June would never listen to from a boy she can’t imagine June ever meeting. Her mother is slowly drinking herself to death, despite the best efforts of her Bible-thumping aunt to Save her Soul, and before Harper can talk herself out of it, she is on a mission to take June’s ashes to California. Joined by her best friend Laney and mix-CD boy (also known as Jake), Harper hopes the road trip will help her learn more about June. She ends up learning a lot about herself.

Why it’s so swoony:

For the first bit of this book, I was worried it was going to be a Sneaky Jesus book, with the totally authentic philosophical “is there a god” talk — coupled with Harper’s obnoxious Bible-thumping aunt, I could see it veering into “and then I found the Lord and was saved!” territory. Lucky for all of us, it ended up being a SMOKING HOT book instead! The relationship between Harper and Jake is full of tension, since their only connection is June and they both are working through their grief and guilt over her death, and we all know tension is the best way into a lady’s panties. Jake’s the quintessential MLD/bad boy, all secretly sensitive and hot, and the only reason I deducted a point from the scale is because he thinks the Doors’ Soft Parade is good sexin’ music. Everyone knows if you’re going for “ironic”, cheeky mood music, stay away from Marvin Gaye and Jim Morrison’s “Touch Me” and go with LL Cool J.

–Meghan

Where She Went by Gayle Forman
Swoonworthy scale: 9

Meghan reviewed this one, but I had to steal it for my list because ADAAAAAM! Also, if you haven’t read the prequel, If I Stay, please please please skip to the next book on this list so you can avoid some major (and I mean MAJOR) spoilers.

The deal:

Over three years have passed since the car accident that killed Mia’s family and left her in a coma, forced to choose between life and death. Her boyfriend, Adam, basically devoted his life to her recovery, but when Mia left for Julliard and never contacted him again, his heart shattered beyond repair. Of course, we all know that depression makes for great music, and Adam’s band (name omitted due to its highly embarrassing nature) is now insanely famous. In spite of his rock star riches, Adam’s life is empty without Mia, and when he runs into her one night in New York City, they set out to find the hidden gems of the city… and maybe, just maybe, their love for each other.

Why it’s so swoony:

LE SIGH. LE SIGH. LE SIGH. Is there anything more romantic than two soul mates who have one night in New York City to discover if they can rekindle their relationship? Sure, that might sound like the plot of a really bad rom com, but in the expert hands of Gayle Forman, it becomes an epic love story. Adam’s heartbreak combined with his empty rock star lifestyle infuses him with an intense desperation that I found unbelievable sexy. And since the book is written from his perspective, we don’t really know how Mia feels about him, which would have driven me insane had I not been busy dumping ice into my panties. The chemistry sizzles, the tension is smokin’, and the uncertainty is as delicious as it is painful. Adam and Mia, I hope you have a speech prepared, because you have officially been inducted into my Top Swoonworthy YA Couples List. CONGRATS, KIDS.

–Poshdeluxe

The Beginning of After by Jennifer Castle
swoonworthy scale: 8

The deal:

(Speaking of Gayle Forman, here’s a book that might *sound* like If I Stay but is totally and completely different. I promise! Also, what is up with me and all of this swoon via tragedy? I think I have a problem, you guys.)

You know how, in Home Alone, Kevin wishes his entire family would disappear, and then it’s like totally awesome, at least for the first few days of sundaes and stair sledding? Well, I have the feeling that sixteen-year-old Laurel will never know the joy of Home Alone again, because her family really did disappear. On a night after dinner with their neighbors, the Kaufmans, Laurel heads home to finish homework, and her mom, dad and brother get in the car with Mr. Kaufman behind the wheel for an ice cream run. On the way, the car is involved in a tragic accident, killing everyone except for Mr. Kaufman, who lands in a coma. In an instant, Laurel’s whole life changes in a way that no one could understand– no one, that is, except David Kaufman, who also ditched his family that night and lost his mother in the accident. Unlike Laurel, whose grandmother immediately moves in, David has no one except his vegetable father, and he constantly disappears. In spite of his flickering presence, Laurel finds herself drawn to him as she struggles to figure out how exactly life goes on.

Why it’s so swoony:

Oh, believe me, I’m surprised as you are to find a book about a family’s death on the top of my swoon list. But you should never underestimate the power of the MLD, especially under such emotionally intense circumstances.

David Kaufman, panties off to you, sir!!! You sure know how to set tragedy on fire with your hotness. Especially since you were kind of a jerk before the accident, what with your bad boy druggie ways and the fact that you totally ignored Laurel even though you played together as kids. But post-accident, SA-WOON. You’re tortured and lost and you aimlessly drive across the country and send Laurel cryptic post cards and you love your dog Masher and you are seriously TURNING ME ON. Plus, the fact that Laurel is trying to make it work with another guy just increases the romantic tension to almost unbearable levels.

–Poshdeluxe

Divergent by Veronica Roth
Swoonworthy scale: 8

The deal:

Arguably the biggest dystopian hit of the year, Divergent is set in a crumbling, futuristic Chicago. All the cities inhabitants are split into five segregated factions based on personality type. 16 year old Beatrice lives with her family in Abnegation, the selfless faction that runs the government. All teenagers her age are given an aptitude test to help determine their future faction. Except Beatrice’s test is inconclusive. She is what is referred to as “Divergent” but no one will explain to her what that means or why it’s dangerous. So Beatrice chooses Dauntless, shocking everyone but most of all her family. The Dauntless are brave and dangerous and lead very different lives than those in Abnegation. Beatrice have what it takes to make it through the Dauntless initiation process or will she be kicked out, forced to live her life as faction-less? And will Beatrice find out what it means to be Divergent before it’s too late?

Why it’s so swoony:

Many of you have already had the pleasure of experiencing Beatrice’s relationship with her handsome instructor Four. Now “teacher/student” roles can be a real turnoff, but luckily Four is only a couple of years older than Beatrice, making their dynamic sexy instead of yucky. And even better, Four is a classic Mysterious Loner Dude. Handsome, strong, unknown background and Beatrice is never quite sure if he likes her or hates her. And Four shows us how a little can go a long way, because the foreplay in this book is unreal. Okay, not like, actual foreplay, just a really great build up of little touches, flirting and sexual tension so thick you could butter it on bread. But don’t worry, this book isn’t a just tease – you’ll be left plenty satisfied.

–Megan

I’ll Be There by Holly Goldberg Sloan
Swoonworthy scale: 8

The deal:

Sam and his little brother Riddle have lived all over the country, uprooted by their dangerously crazy, criminal father every time the voices in his head warn him it’s time to move on. Her whole life, Emily Bell has lived in the same town, the same house with her normal professional parents, her little brother and their fat old dog Felix.

Sam hasn’t been to school since second grade, but knows how to disappear, how to protect strange little Riddle, and he knows music.

Emily’s been in the same school district her whole life, but she doesn’t know much about the world. She does believe everything is connected. So when her dad makes her sing a solo in church – “I’ll be There” by the Jackson 5, which is bad enough by itself, but Emily can’t sing – and she handles her nerves by singing to the strange boy in the back row, it has to mean something that the boy is Sam.

Emily doesn’t know what their meeting will do to Sam’s tenuous protective walls, but Sam does, and he tries to ignore their connection. But of course he can’t, and Sam and Emily knock down that first domino in a wild chain they’ll be powerless to stop.

Why it’s so swoony:

Sam’s determination to keep his distance from Emily makes the swoon so hardcore. Much like Cameron Quick in Sweethearts, Sam has lives at stake if he gets involved, but unlike Jenna, Emily doesn’t know anything about Sam’s life (since he won’t tell her), and that makes her heartbreak more bitter. Every time Sam tells Emily goodbye, he means it as a final goodbye, and while reading, I knew it if she didn’t, and I knew why and I was so tense and worried sick that each time would be THE time Sam’s father really snapped, so I just wanted to stretch out their time together as long as possible. Heartbreak, a few fist pumps and SWOONY TUNES (who knew city buses could bring the swoon?).

–Meghan

Fateful by Claudia Gray
Swoonworthy scale: 7

the deal:

Tess Davies has spent her adolescence as a maid in the service of the Lyles — a family with a title, lots of secrets — and not much else. But she finally has a chance at a new life, making it on her own, because (in hopes of marrying off their children to rich merchants in the US) the Lylse family is setting sail on the maiden voyage of The Titanic. Tess plans to set out on her own as soon as the ship makes port in NYC, where she will find good honest work as a seamstress or hired maid, freeing herself from the bonds of servitude.

Once aboard the vast ship, Tess is thrown into a mystery as unbelievable as it is deadly, when she meets Alec, a devastatingly handsome passenger in First Class, on his way back to the states from France, where he left suddenly, (and under questionable circumstances involving the gruesome murder of an actress friend of his).

We all know (SPOILER) the boat sinks, but will Tess and Alec even make it to the ‘berg as their relationship is challenged not only by class divide, but by the creatures of myth who are hunting him?

Why it’s so swoony:

Fateful makes my list because of how much it surprised me with it’s epic, sweeping romance. Call me crazy, but I just didn’t think a book about WEREWOLVES on the TITANIC could deliver such swoon! However, from the first moment our heroes meet, it became clear that this was a classic bosom heaver. The thrills! The suspense! The romance! By the end it had me singing Celine Dion. And that, my friends, is something that I just don’t do.

–Jenny

Cold Kiss by Amy Garvey
Swoonworthy scale: 7

The deal:

Wren’s boyfriend Danny is killed in a car crash, and she’s so heartbroken, she brings him back to life. But Wren doesn’t know much about her powers, since her mother refuses to admit they run in the family, and didn’t stop to think about the consequences of the spell. Danny’s not the real Danny, but an empty shell of the boy she loved, and he’s quickly getting out of control — and she can’t let anyone know he exists. What makes Danny so terrifying isn’t rotting flesh or a craving for brains (he’s not that kind of zombie, anyway), it’s getting inside Wren and knowing just how MUCH she loved him and how much she misses him. It’s knowing what he was like alive that makes the dead Danny’s dependence and lack of autonomy so chilling. As if struggling to figure out how to fix her immense mistake and handle the double loss of her first love wasn’t complicated enough for Wren, she meets Gabriel, a gorgeous — and living — boy who knows her secrets.

Why it’s so swoony:

I wouldn’t normally expect a zombie book to make any swoon list, let alone find a place in my decidedly anti-zombie pants, but we all know fire and ice just intensify each other. There’s no swoon with Danny, because right next to the glowing memories of living Danny is his cold, dead shell, but right next to THAT burns Gabriel, the new boy in Wren’s life. And nothing starts panty fires like secrets, rampant emotions and danger, wrapped up in a tall, grey-eyed, sandy-haired package.

–Meghan

Honorable Mention: Raw Blue by Kirsty Eagar

This book came out in Australia a few years ago, but since it’s not available in the US, I didn’t get my grabby little hands on it until 2011. The other books are lucky that it’s disqualified from this list, because it would SCORCH THE SHIZZ OUT OF THEM WITH ITS BLAZE OF SEXINESS.

–Poshdeluxe

Related posts:

1. Badass Guest: Meredith’s Top Books of 2011
2. Top Ten British Shows You Could Be Watching
3. all good YA books go to heaven

Oh my god, you guys!  It’s Tuesday!  Which means it’s Thanksgiving Eve-Eve!!  You may think it’s weird that I get so excited for Thanksgiving, but it is legitimately my favorite holiday.  No presents to buy, just lots of food to cook, fun place cards made from mini pumpkins, a giant meal and football.  It is truly the world’s most perfect holiday.

Of course, not everyone feels the same as I do.  Some people really hate Thanksgiving because they don’t like spending time with their family.  Some people hate Thanksgiving because they have a lot of time off, but their family’s far away, so they can only sit on their couch all weekend and pout with boredom.  And some people hate Thanksgiving because they see it as a gleeful celebration of white opressors’ eventual massacre of native peoples and also turkeys.

Those people are right, but in times like this, it’s important to remember: really it was the British and Dutch people’s faults.  We Americans just benefitted after the fact.  There.  Doesn’t that make you feel better?

If you have some extra time this weekend, you should kill it by marathoning TV shows on Netflix Streaming, a service which makes it super easy for you to sit on the couch, eat twelve turkey sandwiches, and catch up on all the TV you should have been watching over the years.

To help you out, and in the spirit of remembering the origins of the Pilgrims, I’ve got a list of Ten British Shows You Could Be Watching Right Now!  (So why aren’t you?)

Note: This list is in no particular order (some of my very favorite shows haven’t made it to Netflix Streaming, but more on that later).  And doesn’t even include all the great British shows on Netflix!  I just thought I’d go for a mixture.

• Downton Abbey, Series One (ITV)

Have you watched Series One of Downton Abbey, the multiple Emmy award-winning costume drama from the UK’s ITV?  No?  WHY THE FUCK NOT?  Series Two premieres on PBS in January and Megan no h and I are going to review it (she doesn’t know that yet because I forgot to tell her.  Hey, Megan no h!  Let’s recap Downton Abbey since we’ve already watched it!), and while I actually was pretty dismayed at the end of the second season, it’s STILL SO GOOD.

What’s it all about, guv:  It’s 1912, and Robert Crawley, the Earl of Grantham, has his estate and title entailed onto the male line, yet has only managed to ever produce girl children.  (Sound familiar?)  It’s all cool, though – he and his rich American wife Cora have suckered brokered a deal so that Crawley’s young nephew marries Crawley’s oldest daughter, the headstrong Lady Mary, and everyone gets to, quite literally, keep the farm.

Until Crawley’s cousin and nephew drown in the Titanic, that is.  Now the search is on for a new heir, and Matthew Crawley, a solicitor (of all things) from Manchester (of all places – sorry, Carla!), who doesn’t even have a butler, now has to learn how to take over a giant village like Grantham.  Oh, and keep his loins in check around Lady Mary.  Meanwhile, there’s a nefarious footman, a war-wounded valet, a butler who looks like a penguin, budding feminist Lady Sybil, poor, sad Lady Edith and Maggie Smith, stealing every damn scene she’s in.

Why you should watch it:  Maggie Smith is a g-d comedic genius, y’all.  I’d want her as my acid-tongued grandmother if she didn’t scare me quite so much.  Hugh Bonneville and Dan Stevens are smoking hot (though I throw my money behind the super-swoonworthy Brandan Coyle as Mr Bates . . . my boyfriend’s mother recently threw a charity event that the cast of Downton attended and he is SUPER FOXY in a tux, y’all.).  Lady Mary fucks a Turk to death.  And the impending dread as the golden age of the Edwardian era declines into madness and war is handled expertly.

Where you’ve seen them:  Michelle Dockery (Lady Mary) was in the Red Riding trilogy (which is also on Netflix Streaming, and which you should also see); Hugh Bonneville, besides starring in many of my nightly dreams, was Bernie in Notting Hill;  Dan Stevens played Edward Ferrars in the most recent Sense and Sensibility; and Maggie Smith you know from . . . well, everything.

• Luther (BBC One)

A gritty and compelling they-done-it-and-i’m-gonna-watch-you-nail-em series, Luther is great if for no other reason that the main character is so very, very flawed.  Where else do you root for a guy with anger management skills who exhibits violence around a wife and a corrupt, soulless killer to stop talking and start making out already?

What’s it all about, guv: John Luther is a hotheaded, tempramental, violent, genius cop.  He’s most recently come back from an administrative suspension because he maybe accidentally let a pedophile suspect fall from several stories up after hitting him in the face a few times.  Could happen to anyone!  Luther’s wife, Zoe, has left him, and he’s being pursued by a charming, meglomaniacal and ruthless killer.

Why you should watch it:  Idris Elba has never been less than stellar in any performance he’s ever given, but hearing him with his East London accent is even better than watching him kill people on The Wire.  Apart from that, in one word?  Alice.

Where you’ve seen them:  Idris Elba, of course, was Stringer Bell, Baltimore’s sexiest mob boss, on The Wire and he also seduced Jim on The Office.  Ruth Wilson (Alice) played Jane in the 2006 miniseries of Jane Eyre and Indira Varma played Niobe on Rome!

• Skins (E4)

Shh, not that awful American remake that was on MTV last year.  And, for that matter, not even the last few series of Skins.  Just watch the first two series and stop, trust me.  It’ll go better on you if Effy doesn’t talk.

What’s it all about, guv:  Skins follows a group of teens in Bristol during their sixth form years (ages 16-18, when teens in the UK study for their A-levels, which are sort of like the SATs only . . . more.).  And these teens are crazy pants.  Think of the worst thing you did growing up – the time you lied the most or had the most unprotected sex or did the most drugs.  Now triple it.  Think of the teen you would be at that point.  The teens in this show would call Triple Teen You a square.

Tony, his best friend Sid, his awful girlfriend Michelle, his silent sister Effy, and their friends Jal, Chris, Maxxie, Anwar and Cassie regularly get up to antics that would make even a 21 year old feel tired and old.  Drugs, sex, manipulations and craziness are just par for the course, but it’s the compelling humanity and basic honesty that grounds the show and keeps it feeling fresh and authentic.

Why you should watch it:  Tony (Nicholas Hoult) regularly does sit-ups and push-ups in nothing but a pair of whitey tighties.  Don’t feel too gross; he’s legal.  Cassie (Hannah Murray) will gut your heart with her lost look . . . and then have you cracking up at her nudist mother’s “art.”  Jal kicks ass.  And if you don’t fall hopelessly in love with Chris, then I’m afraid we just can’t be friends anymore.

Where you’ve seen them:  Yeah, yeah, this Nicholas Hoult, has grown up a LOT from being the kid in About a Boy.  Kaya Scodelario features heavily in our casting calls.  And of course, Dev Patel starred in Slumdog Millionaire, this tiny little indie film that no one has ever heard of before.

• Gavin and Stacey (BBC Three)

I haven’t met anyone yet who has not been charmed by Gavin and Stacey, one of the sweetest and funniest romantic sitcoms to come out of the UK in the last few years.  If you are one of these people, don’t tell me about it.

What’s it all about, guv:  Gavin lives in Essex.  Stacey lives in Wales.  They’ve never met, but communicate with each other over the phone all the time (their companies work together, which is how they “met”), and now they’ve decided to actually meet, in person-like.  Joined by their best friends, the hilarious and experienced Nessa and bromantic Smithy (series writers Ruth Jones and James Cordon), Gavin and Stacey hit it off immediately.  But they live four hours away*!  Can they make it work?

*four hours away.  Eat me, Gavin and Stacey, you pansy-ass complainers.  TRY OCEANS.

Why you should watch it:  Two words: Smithy.  Nessa.  Three  more words: Omelettes, Rape Whistles.  One more word: Prague

Where you’ve seen them:  Joanna Page (Stacey) was Just Judy, the naked lady on Love Actually.  Ruth Jones has been in just about anything, but if you ever watched Little Britain (and why haven’t you?), she plays Myfawny.  And I regularly have Rob Brydon over for tea.

• Top Gear (BBC One, though Dave likes to air it constantly)

Oooh, scandalous!  Yeah, I’m recommending Top Gear.  Yeah, I understand that everyone on it is kind of an awful person and the BBC spends way too much money on this show when they could be using it to upgrade those special effects computers they use on Doctor Who to something more advanced than an Apple II, but it’s still SO MUCH FUN.

What’s it all about, guv:  Three average dudebros, the cheerfully sexist/racist/classist/everythingist Jeremy Clarkson (known as Uncle Jeremy in my house, because you know how you have that one Uncle who drinks a lot and says perfectly awful things but is also really funny, so you find yourself laughing at his stories while simultaneously thinking, “I could never invite this guy to my wedding – what would my friends think?”  Uncle Jeremy!), Richard “The Hamster” Hammond, who may have been Dickens’ original inspiration for Tiny Tim and James “I Should Have Been In Queen” May, sit around and talk about cars.  And then drive cars.  And then wreck cars.  Seriously, that is the entire plot of this show.  It’s AMAZING.

Why you should watch it:  I’m not, by rights, a car person.  Barring the folder graced with a photo of a Lamborghini that was my prized posession in third grade, I don’t really give cars that much thought.  I drive a Fit, for fuck’s sake.  But cars be shiny.  Cars go fast.  Sometimes things explode.  Uncle Jeremy drinks a lot.   (Also, the episode where they drive across the Southeastern United States with things like “HILARY FOR PRESIDENT” and “COUNTRY MUSIC SUCKS” spray painted on their cars is pretty amazing.)

Where you’ve seen ‘em: Probably nowhere, since all three are British broadcasters/journalists.  Weirdly, 60 Minutes did a special on them last year, which just goes to show that yet again, 60 Minutes is on the cutting edge of something that started a decade ago.

• Peep Show (Ch 4).

Before you watch That Mitchell and Webb Look, or after you watch That Mitchell and Webb Look, or concurrent to watching That Mitchell and Webb Look, watch Peep Show.

What’s it all about, guv:  Not much, actually.  Peep Show revolves around Employed Mark and Unemployed Jeremy and the fact that, despite being nearly 30, they have no idea what the fuck to do with their lives except masturbate and play video games. 

Why you should watch it: Well, what the hell are you doing with your life except for masturbating and reading books?  Trust me, you’ll feel better about yourself when watching Mark and Jeremy’s screw ups.  Plus, it’s hysterical.

Where you’ve seen ‘em: You probably don’t, unless you watch a lot of British comedy and/or quiz shows.  In which case you’ve seen them everywhere.

• The IT Crowd (ch 4)

Not since The Office has another workplace comedy so accurately portrayed what it is like to work for, and with, idiots.  And unlike The Office (UK), everyone on this show is hot.

What’s it all about, guv:  The IT Department at Reinholm Industries (no one is quite sure what it is they do) consists of a genius, a person who knows nothing about computers, and a slacker Irish guy who makes even me look like a good worker.   They get into trouble a lot, owing to the fact that everyone they work with are idiots and they, themselves, are not exactly the brightest crayons in the box.

Why you should watch it:  If you have ever told a coworker how to find the Power machine on their computer or hung up on Tech Services because they’ve told you to reboot while your computer’s on fire, this one’s for you.

Where you’ve seen ‘em:  Richard Ayaode played Joseph in the greatest rock opera about the birth of Jesus Christ ever (AD/BC – do yourself a favor and try to find it), but most of you will recognize Chris O’Dowd as the Irish cop/love interest in this year’s Bridesmaids.

• Sherlock (BBC One)

Often referred to as “Holy Shit, Sherlock!” in my house, this is a reboot of the classic Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stories set in modern London.  Sherlock is quirky, quizzical and a big fan of nicotine packages when he needs to particularly think and our Watson’s a wounded Afghanistan War vet.

What’s it all about, guv:  The show takes classic Sherlock Holmes novels (Doyle’s A Study in Pink, for instance, is the pilot of the show) and changes them a bit for modern times.  Generally even the words “changes it for modern times” makes me want to barf, but believe me; this show works.

Why you should watch it:  The blatant homoeroticism between Holmes and Watson is perfect, while not sacrificing the obvious acrimony that one might feel rooming with a guy who thinks it’s fun to shoot bullets into walls.  And Sherlock’s brilliant takedown of pretty much every person he comes across will have you clapping your hands in glee.   But moreover, I think people who love the Sherlock Holmes stories and people who’ve never heard of Sherlock Holmes will love this show.

Where you’ve seen ‘em:  Watson is played by Martin Freeman, who besides being Just Judy’s naked scene buddy in Love Actually, has been in just about everything, including Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and The Office, and will play Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit.  Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays Sherlock, was in Atonement, Four Lions and the new Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy . . . plus he happened to go to boarding school with Meghan’s husband Chris! 

Lost in Austen

Guys!  Lost in Austen is back on Netflix Streaming for a short time!!  Get on this!

What’s it all about, guv:  Amanda Price, of London, basically lives my DREAM, when she randomly happens across Lizzie Bennett, hanging out in her bathroom.  Elizabeth WOULD hang out in people’s bathrooms.  Rude.  Amanda and Lizzie switch places –  landing Amanda smack in the middle of the goings on of Pride and Prejudice and letting Elizabeth realize that in modern times, there are whole clubs full of people like Charlotte Lucas, and those people are called lesbians.

But nothing is quite what it seems, and what’s going to happen when Darcy screws up the script and falls for Amanda instead?

Why you should watch it:  LADIES.  A GIRL JUST LIKE US GETS TO KISS DARCY.  Don’t even front like that isn’t your well-cherished dream.

Where you’ve seen ‘em:  Alex Kingston from ER plays Mrs Bennett, and you’ll remember Gemma Arterton from your boyfriend’s sex dreams.

And, last but definitely not least, in a Going-Going-it’s-nearly-Gone. . ..

• Pride and Prejudice (BBC)

Accept no substitutions!!  Only Colin Firth, standing wet for no reason and looking a bit as if he has to shake water out of his ear, will do!

What’s it all about, guv:  Off-book erections in tight pants; foppish hair.

Why you should watch it:  Seriously?  If you’ve never seen the full BBC miniseries version of Pride and Prejudice, you’re doing your life a disservice.  It is my favorite go-to comfort food, in movie form. PLUS COLIN FIRTH, WHY ARE WE STILL EVEN DISCUSSING THIS?

Where you’ve seen ‘em: um, IN BBC’S PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, THE GREATEST LITERARY ADAPTATION OF ALL TIME.

Of course, this isn’t even a sampling of some of my favorite UK or Irish shows- many of those aren’t on Netflix Streaming.  But!  Some of them are available via Netflix The Old Fashioned Way, or as I like to call it, “Netflix Whine.”  (“You mean I have to WAIT?  For a dvd?  To be mailed to me in a day?  I have to walk to the mailbox and then get the dvd and then watch it and then send it back whenever I want with no late fee penalties?  LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.”)

If you act fast, you could have some of these series in your mailbox (that, yes, you have to walk to) by Black Friday and spend the post-turkey day in the way it is meant to be enjoyed: vegging out on the couch and laughing at people who have been shopping since 4 am.

• Life On Mars – You may at some point be tempted to watch that shoddy American remake.  I urge you not to, or you will miss Sam’s wibbly faces, the Gene Genie in all his glory, and more Bowie and T Rex than you can shake a bell bottom-clad leg at.

• State of Play - Occassionally in my house I have what I call John Simm Extravaganza days, and those are the best days of the year.  State of Play is probably one of the best drama mini-series I have ever seen.  I do not make that statement lightly.  It’s tightly-paced, intricate and compelling.  The addition of Bill Nighy, Kelly Macdonald and James McAvoy don’t hurt, either.

• The Mighty Boosh – One day, you should take All The Drugs and then sit down and watch The Mighty Boosh.  Actually, no, I don’t recommend that you do that, but it’d probably be one hell of a good time. 

Actually, you don’t need drugs to experience this magical wonderland of jazz foxes, talking apes, boxing kangaroos, a mystical shamen with hair taller than he is, a Shoreditch Vampire and a Mustached Musical Genius . . . but sometimes it helps.  Everybody gather around as Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett take you through the wonderland that is their demented imagination!  Not you, naan bread.

• Spaced – My hands-down favorite show of all time, because it pays homage to most of my other hands-down, favorite shows of all time.  This show knows what it’s like to truly celebrate the nerd, and even if you aren’t a fan of the many pup culture homages (I like to play a drinking game where I take a shot for each pop culture homage I spot.  I don’t last long), the story of Tim and Daisy’s romance should make your heart go pitty-pat.

• Nighty Night - I love any shows in which people don’t grow or learn, and Nighty Night is one of the best of those.  Almost every character is either unflinchingly awful or grotesquely perfect and the situations in which main character Jill (the amazing Julia Davis) tries desperately to steal the husband of her MS-suffering neighbor will have you doing a weird mixture of cringing, crying and laughing. 

• Black Books -  One day, if I am very lucky, I will be able to live Bernard Black’s life.  The drunken, misanthropic and crazy-haired Irishman owns his own dusty bookstore, and usually yells at the customers to get the fuck out instead of asking them to buy books.  I aspire to this goal!!  I also aspire to his daily bottles of wine at lunch time, as well as his association with the zen-swallowing Manny and next-door neighbor Fraaaaaaaan.

Hopefully some of these shows will keep you company over the holiday weekend!  Let us know what you think of them!  Or, if you’re old hat at all of the shows listed, let me know in the comments what you think I should have included!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

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Yeah, ok, it’s over. But! If I’d posted about this LAST week, we wouldn’t get to see all of this year’s awesome costumes! So dig out the last bits of your leftover candy — I know you didn’t take it ALL to work, but secretly hid some away for a moment just like this — or go raid your kid’s stash or hit your local RiteAid for the half-price stuff and let’s bid Halloween a PROPER farewell!

First, I have to say you guys are AWESOME. And so creative! I totally can’t remember a single literary costume I’ve ever had, but after this year I’m changing my ways.

From Ginny:

While not Young Adult, everyone loves Madeline! I teach 3rd Grade and our elementary school had a Book Character Parade. I came as Madeline.

What I think Ginny MEANT to say was she came as an ADORBS Madeline!

From Other Meredith:

This is me as Luna Lovegood for a HP costume contest. I should have
won, especially since my date was Zefron dressed as Harry Potter, and
I brought Hedwig. Alas, I came in second place (the winner dressed as
Dobby, and she looked pretty fantastic). Good times.<

Kelly went as Emer Morrisey from The Dust of 100 Dogs! She’s got a bag of eyeballs!

You can’t really tell, but that sliver of arm to her right is our very own Jenny’s very own George, as the (very non-YA) Daenerys and Drogo.

From Sandy:

Attached you will find one Sandy dressed as Pippi Longstockings (circa 1989) and one Jodi dressed as a ballerina banana. That’s not so much literary, but my little sis has always been her own person. And my mom was cool enough she could make it!

I WANT TO BE A BALLERINA BANANA.

From Maggie:

For Summerween this year (Halloween in the summer party), my husband and I dressed as stripper Harry and Hermione — when being an Auror doesn’t pay the bills…

A whole bunch from Laura, including a cute baby. IN JORTS! EEEEEE!

Breaking Dawn. Notice the diapers that look like JORTS. Obviously this is what Jacob would put Renesmee in while babysitting his future wife (ew!)

Hermione from Harry Potter

Buttercup from the Princess Bride

My Halloween decorated office-  the sass combo of Twilight and The Princess Bride

Christy as the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland

Winter as Alice from Twilight

Finally, from our own Posh Deluxe, we have an ACTUAL teenager (and a suuuuuuuper cute Buzz Lightyear)!

I was at a friend’s house on Halloween, and they have kids, so there were a few actual YAs there! And one of them was dressed like Katniss! I was particularly impressed by the thought behind her wound make-up, because she pointed out each wound and how she got it (per the Hunger Games plot).

And even though it’s not a literary costume, I had to include this picture of little Oscar as Buzz Lightyear. Oscar fell in love with that plastic skeleton and carried him around the entire night like a teddy bear. He kept telling everyone, “This is Love. He’s my new brother!” ADORBS!!!

Thanks for sharing, everyone! I’m ready to start planning next year’s costume — point me toward the nearest craft store!

No related posts.

Hey there, tributes! In case you missed our tweet last night, Vanity Fair posted a photo of the main Hunger Games tributes, plus an interview with J-Law!

Oh, I’m sorry. I seem to have uploaded an image from a Gap catalog by mistake.

But seriously, it’s a really cool feature, because if you go to the VF site and put your mouse arrow over each person in the photo, you can read about the actor, their character and how they landed the part. I really enjoyed learning more about everyone’s audition process until I got to Isabelle Fuhrman (Clove), who is basically like: I loved the books! I wrote a letter to Gary Ross and told him so! And then I got the part! WHAT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Maybe we should’ve spent less time telling ole G-Ross what to do and more time telling him to CAST US IN HIS MOVIE.

Anyhoo, the point of this post isn’t to be jealous of 18-year-olds. It’s to perform scientific analysis on this photo! So gather yr observations, then hop on the party line.

I’ll start us off by focusing on the intentional grouping of Cato, Rue and Peeta. Cato, you’re so BIG! Rue, you’re so TINY! Peeta, you’re so… meh! (But hey, at least he’s got the baker’s son pudge happening. That’s legit.) Also, trust Vanity Fair to make Foxface look less Foxface-ish. I SMELL PHOTOSHOP.

Related posts:

1. Lionsgate, why you gotta make me cry? (in a good way this time)
2. Cato likes: killing, hair products
3. the catching fire release party (of my dreams)

What up, tributes! It’s been a while since we did a post about the upcoming Hunger Games movie, mostly because we like to pretend we’re not just consumer pawns in Lionsgate’s courtship of Twilight fans. But! Today, the internets unveiled posters of the film’s major characters, and, well, damn if it didn’t make us feel a little twinge of excitement!

Check out all of the images below, then join us in making catty comments!

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Even though we’ve only seen, like, three pictures of J-Law as Katniss, Lionsgate has successfully managed to wipe out my own image of the character and replace it with Jennifer Lawrence.  Way to go, relentless marketing! But seriously, she looks good.

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Do the Fug Girls have a term for looking good from the side, but not from the front? Because it would be appropriate here.

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I guess the lighting director forgot to bring his douche filter.

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You know those travel-sized Kleenex packets that will fit easily into your purse? Yeah, those aren’t gonna cut it.

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I hope that in the arena, Cato styles his hair with the blood and sweat of his victims. BANGS!

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Effie, girl, looking good!

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I’ll be the first to admit that I was totally wrong in my WTF-ing after Lenny Kravitz got cast. The dude looks SPOT ON in this poster. Also, I want that gold eyeshadow.

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I love how everyone online had the same reaction to this picture: “Why is Haymitch from Interview With A Vampire?”

So what do y’all think? Yays? Nays? GET YR JUDGEMENT ON!

Related posts:

1. if you’re going to {be locked up for years in an attic}, put a flower in your hair: FITA ch 4-6
2. Lionsgate, why you gotta make me cry? (in a good way this time)

Banned Book Week in an annual event when we celebrate the First Amendment and our rights to read whatever the hell we’d like. Librarians and book enthusiasts everywhere will prominently feature and talk about books that have been (or still are) banned or challenged in libraries and schools. And boy are there a lot of books that seem to piss people off. But maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way? Maybe we aren’t challenging enough books? There are plenty more books than those on these lists that seem to have questionable or objectionable material. The ladies of FYA and I have put together a list of books you weren’t even aware are secretly warping your fragile minds.

Submitted by Megan no h

Book: Graceling
Objectionable Material: The protagonist Katsa uses magical birth control to facilitate her promiscuous lifestyle. Everyone knows only sluts and working girls use birth control (magical or otherwise). Good girls should either keep it in their pants or use the POP method (pull out and pray).

Book: The Red Badge of Courage
Objectionable Material: Communism. I mean, I haven’t read it, but just look at that title. Communism.

Book: The Hobbit
Objectionable Material: Promotes the “short people” agenda.

Submitted by Meghan

Books: Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel
Objectionable Material: This story of a love affair between a man and his steam shovel is disgusting to the highest degree. What sort of perversions are we teaching children? That it’s ok to love a machine? What’s next? Sheep? Goats? Gay marriage?!!? I think NOT. Mike Mulligan, it’s time to sell Mary Ann for scrap and get a REAL American’s machine – one that runs on PETROLEUM. Then take that thing up to Alaska and dig, baby, dig!

Book: Anne of Green Gables
Objectionable Material: From the beginning of the story, Anne is trouble. She has the gall to be a girl-child instead of a boy-child, and we all know women sow the seeds of temptation. She has red hair — the mark of Satan. She tempts Diana into tasting Satan’s drink, liquor. And worst of all, she and Diana are bosom friends, and we all know what THAT means.

Submitted by Poshdeluxe

Book: The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks
Objectionable Material: The heroine of the book, Frankie, is praised for the destruction of school property and her complete disregard for school authority. In the same way that song lyrics cause children to worship Satan and do drugs, Frankie’s example will lead readers down a dark path of mischief and lawlessness.

Book: Little Women
Objectionable Material: Where to begin?! As we discovered in our hard-hitting investigation, this book is jam-packed with offensive material. From Jo’s lesbian leanings to Laurie’s excessive drinking to Professor Bhaer’s lecherousness for a woman half his age, it’s a wonder that Louisa May Alcott wasn’t jailed immediately upon publishing this work of the Devil. Even Beth, often regarded as the saint of the family, turns out to be a Communist! This supposed “classic” has been poisoning the minds of young girls for far too long, and it’s time to put an end to this Pilgrim’s Progress.

Submitted by Erin

Book: Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Objectionable Material: Where to start! FIRST OF ALL, there is SUPERNATURAL NONSENSE in this book. Supernatural nonsense, I might add, that bends the laws of space and time. What will this teach our children? That they can just disregard physics class because, hey, someday someone might create a loophole with which they can slip in and out of the past? It’s hard enough getting kids to pay attention to the basic law of Gravity; if they know time is merely a human construct we’re really going to have issues. AND this book has VIOLENCE in it. Violence from Nazi soldiers! We cannot continue to teach our children about WWII, particularly our American children! If we keep bringing this topic up, they’re going to start asking questions, like, “why did America wait until they were personally attacked to get involved in a genocide and try to fight against it?” And if they ask THAT question, pretty soon they’re going to start asking OTHER questions, like, “hey, aren’t there still genocides being perpetuated against all sorts of people? And isn’t rape being used as a means of control by soldiers in other countries? What are we doing about that?” and THEN where will we be?

Also, this book has orphans in it. So anyone who reads it is gonna get “It’s a Hard-Knock Life” stuck in their head. And then what will you do for the rest of the day?

Book: The Princess Diaries Series
Objectionable Material: This book merely feeds on America’s addiction to royalty and fans the fires of rebellion. Children today are constantly bombarded with images of Princess Shinylocks and to add to that this book series, based on a teenaged princess who wears Queen Amidala (ah! another royal!) panties for good luck is going too far. Soon, spurred by Princess Mia’s kindhearted and self-effacing nature, children all across America will want to rise up, overthrow their democratically elected goverment, and
form a Monarchy state. On with their heads! This kind of anti-American garbage is corrupting our nation’s young minds with thoughts of goodwill, making one’s own destiny and reaching to find the best in one’s self. THIS WILL NOT STAND!

Plus, girls all over the country are going to think they, too, can land a hot, brilliant dude who invents a robotic surgical arm at age 19 and is worth millions but will still bring you bagels and kiss you in Central Park, and THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Stop getting their hopes up.

* * * * *

From all the books listed above, it’s clear to us these book banner are getting LAZY. There are plenty more books out there for them to go and challenge! What are they waiting for?

For more Banned Book Week fun, check out our posts for past years, such as Banned Books Pop Quiz, Banned Books Drinking Game and the true story of how books ruined the FYA writers’ lives.

Related posts:

1. banned books week!!
2. the official FYA banned book drinking game
3. ban this pop quiz

Hey there, jorts enthusiasts! I’m sure I’m not the only one who is totally freaking out over this new trailer for Breaking Dawn Part 1, because it is, as expected, BALLS TO THE WALLS INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE. You know, I used to complain about how they split the book into two movies just to make money, but after seeing this beautiful slice of cray, I am simply thankful for Hollywood greed. And you know Part 2 is going to be even more breathtakingly ridiculous.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This trailer is full of important information that must be examined under the FYA microscope. So slap on your safety goggles and let’s do some science!

First, we must observe the specimen as a whole:

Now that we’ve sufficiently examined the trailer, it’s time to dissect it in order to gain a fuller understanding of the insanity within.

Apparently, the wedding colors are lavender and CLEAVAGE.

Oh, Charlie, God bless you for managing to add the only emotional depth to the entire Twilight series.

NEW MERCH ALERT!

Although I’m sure they’ve sold a TON of these gorgeous rings, AMIRITE LADIES?

Ok, seriously, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? There is no way the Cullens or the Swans have that many friends. There’s a serious wedding crasher problem here, people.

Let’s hear it for teen marriage!! Yay!! Clap clap!!!

Jacob is a sad pants! Or should I say, sad jorts. Also, I guarantee that this scene will upset me greatly, because I’m Team Jacob, and then I’ll get even angrier because I’ll realize that I’m just a pawn in Stephenie Meyer’s game. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, MEYER?

“Hmm. Should I have packed condoms?… Nah!”

The only thing preventing this from being a sweet hip hop video is a lack of sunlight and ladies in bikinis.

In spite of their super strength, even vampires aren’t graceful when it comes to carrying the bride over the threshold.

“We’re going to lose our deposit, aren’t we?”

Let’s talk about sex, baby! Let’s talk about you and me! Let’s talk about all the good things…

… And the bad things that may be!

BEST. PILLOW. FIGHT. EVER.

“That was the best night of my existence.” Seriously, the drinking game for this movie is writing itself.

Even I will admit that this is hot. Clichéd but hot.

“Does this shirt make me look fat?”

When did they decide to make Edward’s face CGI?

I don’t know if you guys are aware of this, but the hair & make-up artist found inspiration for Carlisle’s look from another YA book! Pretty cool, right?

Oh Bella, you look tired, sweetie.*

*That’s Southern for: You look like shizz.

I wish someone had gotten Bella one of those t-shirts with an arrow pointing to the belly that says, “Jacob’s Soulmate.”

Jake is angry! But not angry enough to tear off his shirt. Which means he is NOT ANGRY ENOUGH.

Don’t cry, Jacob! You’ll find your one true love soon! Actually… yeah, just let it out.

Finally! Someone who understands the proper uniform of werewolves!

Seriously, this CGI wolf looks better than Edward’s face.

Director’s note to Kristen: “Look constipated as much as possible.”

Director’s note to Robert: “Act with your mouth, not your eyes.”

Director’s note to Taylor: “Take off your shirt.” Wait, I’m sorry, that’s what the note SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

“Hold up, you mean this isn’t an audition for The Bachelor?”

OH HAI!

I’m sure it seemed economical at the time, but using the same make-up for vampires and for Bella being sick probably wasn’t the best idea.

Producer: “See, if we put in some badass wolf fights, we’ll totally attract a male audience for this movie! It’s totally not too late to do that!”

This reminds me of the time Spiderman caught Mary Jane’s lunch and tray in the cafeteria. Except less cool.

HEEEEEERE’S RENESMEE! And based on the sound Bella makes at the end of this trailer, it will be just as gory as I’d hoped. Labor porn is totally the new torture porn.

CONCLUSION:

I’m not even being ironic when I say that I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

So, fellow scientists, what’s yr hypothesis? Intellectualize away in the comments!

Related posts:

1. A highly scientific analysis of the Breaking Dawn Part 1 Teaser
2. a highly scientific analysis of the new moon trailer
3. a highly scientific analysis of the new harry potter trailer

Hey y’all! I’ve noticed that several of you took my advice and started watching MTV’s Awkward, and all I have to say, in my best Sadie voice, is YOU’RE WELCOME. Seriously, how fun is this show? How weird is it that both boys have magically gotten cuter? How cool is it that Jenna is finally taking control of her own destiny? We have so much to talk about, so let’s get to it!

This is totes a party line post, so I’ll throw some questions out there, and then you can feel free to answer any of them in the comments or add yr own!

1. Are you Team Matty or Team Jake?

I’m TOTES Team Jake. Sure, he hasn’t had the balls to break up with his girlfriend yet, but he’s such a sweet dude, and his confession during the CRASH’D show that he “like likes” Jenna made me squee like a banshee.

2. What’s yr fave bit of lingo so far?

GAH, there are so many awesomely ridiculous catchphrases on this show! I’ve personally been using “mo to the fo” a lot, although I’m also partial to bat shizznat. And I’m pretty sure there’s a night in my future when I’ll have a few cocktails and start asking people to “cut the pickle.”

3. What’s your favorite episode so far?

Over My Dead Body, hands down! From the line about Tamara being “Tammy in Grease, so they could kill her off in the first five minutes” to the Valerie saying “They’re Christian!” on the microphone during the show, this episode totally melted my face off with awesome. I think we can all relate to lame high school presentations on drinking and driving, and I loved the twist of people actually *wanting* to be Dead Stacey. Plus, it was great to see Jenna kick a little ass.

4. How cute are the outfits on this show?!

I feel like most of the girl clothes come from Anthropologie, which explains why I’m all, “OMG I WANT THAT!” all of the time. Jenna’s outfit at the Knicker Knacker party totally knocked it out of the park.

5. Are you starting to actually maybe kinda like Sadie?

That food journal thing was pretty sad, but… I still enjoy hating Sadie more than I enjoy liking her.

Ok, now I’ll turn this convo over to you guys. LET’S ANALYZE!

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