obviously we’re big fans of the princess bride around here (who isn’t??). poshdeluxe even coined the phrase “pull a fred savage” to describe that look of disgust that crosses yr face when presented with something you hold in absolute contempt, like kissing books (except we’re actually big fans of kissing books, OBVS). but did you know the 1987 masterpiece was based on a book? i didn’t, until my 9th-grade english teacher mentioned how much she hated the book when passing out our suggested reading list (gasp! sacrilege! it’s always been wuv, twue wuv with this movie), and so of course i had to read the book. william goldman (not golding — this is no lord of the flies) wrote the book AND the screenplay, so no matter which work loses this cage match, it’ll be goldman for the win.

let’s meet the contestants:

the book, weighing in at 317 pages

the movie, weighing in at 98 minutes

basic plot of both:

do i really need to include this? fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles… basically, the best story ever. oh, and kissing (sorry, little fred).

round 1:

the book is framed as an “s. morgenstern’s classic tale of true love and high adventure (the ‘good parts’ version),” which goldman has edited to do away with all the boring description and detail, just as his father did when he read it to goldman the youngster (enter grandpa and little fred in the film). this is done with loads of voltaire-esque parenthetical asides in the first few chapters, something that’s funny in both candide and the princess bride for about the first 20 snarky comments, but gets old after awhile. luckily for goldman (not so much for voltaire), he cuts it out once the story gets going. so, +1 for the book. +1

but the movie has little fred savage! back when he was cute (ahem. true confession: my first crush was fred savage in “the wonder years”). and columbo as grandpa! and lines like, “when i was your age, television was called books.” i love the little cut-in scenes of grandpa reading at the beginning of the movie, and goldman wisely ditches these interruptions once the story gets going, so +1 for the scenes and an additional +1 for fred. +2

round 2:

the cast! oh, no matter how good yr imagination is, it’ll never come up with better images of the characters than andre the giant, mandy patinkin, robin wright and that short guy who plays vizzini. billy crystal as miracle max automatically counts for 2 extra points — have fun stormin’ the castle, film version! +3

but since the book has the characters, albeit minus the audiovisuals, i give it +1

round 3:

many of the book’s scenes are directly translated to the screen, dialogue and all. but there are a few minor changes that make a major difference, like changing sharks to shrieking eels. how much cooler are shrieking eels than sharks? answer: a BILLION TIMES cooler, no matter what you say, discovery channel shark week. also, the book’s zoo of death becomes the pit of despair. actually, that may be a point for the book, except for the whole “animal cruelty is one of my dealbreakers” thing. +1 movie, +1 book.

round 4:

length. the movie is only an hour and a half long, and the book is a whopping 317 pages (that’s including the 2 introductions, but not including the sneak of buttercup’s baby, a sequel to the princess bride). so if you only have a couple of hours, great — see the movie. but if you have time to read 300 pages, the book has room for lots of background on the characters, including the whole story of how the count killed inigo montoya’s father and how fezzik ended up unemployed, in greenland (also, there’s a lot more of fezzik’s rhyming game in the book). i really like the background info, so the book gets +1 here.

also an advantage of the printed medium is the infinite capacity for snarkery. unless you have constant voiceover in a film, which would cancel out any amusement from the snark due to the HIDEOUS ANNOYANCE from constant voiceover, you can’t do snark in a movie like you can in a book. so while all the dialogue is pretty much a verbatim transfer book to movie, the movie lacks all the snide comments by the omniscient narrator and things going on in the characters’ heads. so +2 book for snark, cos we love some snark around here.

round 5: the ending

hm. so the movie ends happily ever after, with buttercup floating down from the castle window a la mario after he defeats bowser and gets the wand in every level of super mario bros. 1 and riding off into the sunset with westley, while inigo becomes the dread pirate roberts. but the book is more ambiguous, although tres exciting — as the couple is riding off, promising each other to each outlive the other, inigo’s count-induced wounds reopen, westley relapses to mostly dead, fezzik gets lost (again) and humperdinck has escaped his bonds and is nowhere near ultimate pain. and i gotta say, maybe i’m feeling a little cranky, but i like the “life’s potentially not fair” realistic ending of the book better than the movie. +1 book

the verdict?

so what’s the verdict? i think, for the only time in my experience, it’s a tie. the movie obviously is very dear to me and i don’t have the heart to say anything’s better. and although i came to the book much later in life than the movie, and it’s colored by my near-perfect mental replay of the film every time i read it, the book is awesomely hilarious and much more sarcastic and snarktastic than the movie could ever hope to be. so to both the book AND movie (and therefore william goldman):

aaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss

yyooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

now that you’ve finished mockingjay, do you find yrself experiencing any of the following symptoms?

• spontaneous fits of uncontrollable sobbing
• hours spent staring blankly at a wall
• an inability to converse about topics unrelated to hunger games
• an extreme aversion to white roses
• constantly referring to yr pet as “buttercup”

if you meet any of these criteria, it is extremely possible that you have developed a serious case of The End of an Awesome Book Syndrome, also known as TEABS. and while this disease has the potential to cause massive amounts of damage to yr heart, brain and what scientists like to call “human spirit,” it is definitely treatable, if not curable. as TEABS survivors, we’re here to tell you that it IS possible to overcome this tragic disease, which is why we’ve put together this guide of healthy tips and steps you can take to beat this sickness and reclaim yr life! so take charge of yr recovery and read on!

CONGRATULATIONS! by clicking on this blog post, you just took yr first step towards TEABS recovery. pat yrself on the back, and remember: no matter how painful this road becomes, you will never be as effed up as katniss everdeen. PERSPECTIVE Y’ALL.

since TEABS affects everyone differently, we urge you to choose the tips that work best for you. feel free to tailor your therapy to directly address your severest symptoms, and if you think this means i’m giving you a free pass to drink excessively, you are obvs v. familiar with this site and YES.

CUE INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC THAT WILL IN NO WAY REMIND YOU OF THE HANGING TREE.

There Are Other Books Out There

step 1: allow yrself to acknowledge that, in time, you will be able to love other books again. while nothing can replace hunger games, you have plenty of room in yr YA-lovin’ heart for more favorites.

step 2: look in the mirror and tell yourself: “i am an awesome reader! and lots of books will appreciate being read by me!”

step 3: wean yrself off HG carefully by choosing a highly rated book with a similar theme or character. for example, if you’re still craving dystopia, give the knife of never letting go or the enemy a try. if you need to connect with another lovable asshole of a heroine, go no further than the jessica darling series. and, as always, you can find plenty of new fish in the sea via our site! in fact, consider us the eharmony of YA readership.

step 4: if all else fails, reach out to the books you know best, the ones that have never let you down. sure, re-reading the entire harry potter series may bring on a whole new bout of TEABS, but at least yr conversational repertoire will expand to more than just peeta vs. gale.

It Takes a Village

step 1: log onto FYA and read the zillion comments generated by our mockingjay posts. YOU’RE NOT ALONE!!! feel free to contribute yr own two cents to the conversation because YOU MATTER.

step 2: proceed to the caf and settle down at the local FYA v. important business meetings table. there you will have the opportunity to find other people who live in your same town (or state) so that you can actually meet up!

step 3: attend a local FYA v. important business meeting and pour yr heart out about every single detail in mockingjay to a REAL LIVE PERSON! who has also read mockingjay! and therefore UNDERSTANDS!

step 4: after drying yr collective bloodshot eyes, form a group hug and then buy each other shots of tequila and spend the rest of the night slurring to each other, “i luf you somuch. i would take yr plash inthe hungrames in a HEARBEAT!”

YAngelism

step 1: harness yr TEABS angst and transform it into raw energy. we recommend meditation, red bull or plain old fashioned hard drinking.

step 2: target a friend or loved one who has not yet read the hunger games.

step 3: unleash yr energy upon him/her in the form of incessant references to HG until he/she finally breaks down and reads it.

step 4: realize that you’re actually spreading TEABS instead of curing it, but hey, misery loves company!

Candy Is Dandy But Liquor Is Quicker

who am i kidding, this isn’t yr last resort. this is probably YR FIRST RESORT. and for good reason, because ALCOHOL WORKS. sure, it may send you straight into a tragic, cardboard housed existence on the streets (lifetime told me so), not to mention the potential for liver damage, but for now, nothing matters except NUMBING THE PAIN OF TEABS OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE FINNICK IS DEAD SOMEONE STAB ME IN THE BRAIN WITH A TRIDENT AND MAKE IT STOP.

step 1: mix up yr fave HG cocktail and keep it in a flask for easy access.

step 2: drink every time you:

• say the word “mockingjay” (look, you want this therapy to be effective, right?)
• ask a coworker if they’ve read the hunger games
• google mockingjay, katniss, gale, peeta or “fourth hunger games book”
• post a comment on a blog about mockingjay

step 3: take a shot every time you:

• compare the real world to panem
• blame yr problems on president snow
• consider signing up for archery lessons
• purchase a piece of HG merchandise

step 4: chug every time you:

• write a blog post about mockingjay
• contemplate writing HG fan fiction
• act like a dick and then tell people it’s because you were “hijacked”
• dream about naming yr future child after an HG character

step 5: write a drunken email to FYA to thank us for SAVING YR LIFE. you may, if you so desire, also compare us to katniss, and we will not consider that a TEABS relapse.

and now, to borrow a page out of the It Takes a Village section, we invite you, dear readers, to share yr own struggles in the comments. have you found a way to cope? if so, please offer up yr own TEABS survival advice and encouragement to yr fellow sufferers.

because together, WE WILL SURVIVE.

(even if our livers don’t. but hey, if katniss can survive without a spleen, surely we… OH DAMMIT TO HELL)

last week, i published a post about YA deal breakers, which instantly launched a litany of hell nos and DONNEVENS regarding yr least favorite qualities in teen fiction. it turns out that y’all are 176 sizzling pieces of SNARK, which obvs is why i love you. and also cos you’ve all promised to buy me a drink at some point. wait, you haven’t? I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING.

anyhoo, there we were, bitching and ranting in perfect unity, until katiecoops posed a provocative question: what are our YA deal MAKERS? what’s the one thing that will make us pick up a YA book, no matter what?

[insert mp3 of crickets chirping. or, if you live in TX, go outside cos they are mothereffing EVERYWHERE]

um… HUH. i mean, sure, i have TONS of YA books that i love the shizz out of, but for some reason, it’s a lot easier to identify what i hate than what i love. i believe that reason is called being human.

and even though FYA is all about the sass, we’re also here to celebrate young adult literature, so today i sat down and engaged in some Super Serious Meditation in order to come up with my personal deal makers. check ‘em out and see if you agree (and don’t worry– this post may be positive, but the snark abides).

1. Mysterious Loner Dude

y’all it’s a bonus factor FOR A REASON. extra points for the following:

• he’s straight outta juvie.
• he’s misunderstood but not whiny about it.
• he rocks the surprise muscles (aka he’s not body builder, but when he takes his shirt off, HELLO!).
• he’s a little bit scary but would never, ever hit a girl.
• he doesn’t take himself too seriously.
• he can, in fact, read.

ok i feel like i just wrote a personals ad. um. MOVING ON.

2. Kickass Heroine

just like its deal breaker counterpart, this one’s obvious but needs to be said. if a book features a strong, smart female lead who isn’t afraid to take charge of her life, who puts chicks before dicks, who believes in herself and who LITERALLY can kick the shizz out of someone (mentally or physically or BONUS: BOTH!), then I’M IN! also, please don’t hurt me.

3. Anything Written by Meg Cabot, Sarah Dessen, John Green, E. Lockhart, Melina Marchetta or Sara Zarr

i could make them each their own deal maker, but that feels like cheating. which makes sense, because with these genius authors, ALL I DO IS WIN!

4. The (Extra)ordinary

i have no idea who those people are, but i’m pretty sure none of them have magical powers, and i’m also fairly certain that they’re not vampires, although the girl in the hat is looking at me kinda funny. these teenagers are just regular human beings, which is EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO READ ABOUT. because when i meet a character who, oh, hey, surprise, turns out to be a mothercussing mermaid, i have absolutely zero connection with that (ok, well, besides ariel). but when i read about a teenager experiencing the pressure of trying to fit in, the pain of unrequited love, the trauma of spilling ketchup on yr pants, I’M ENTHRALLED. sure, there’s some great fantasy and sci fi out there, but my favorite YA adventures happen in the tiled hallways and smelly cafeterias of reality.

5. Any Plot That Somehow Combines Spies, Prank Wars, Boarding School, Quiz Bowl, Rich Crazy Old Ladies, Drama Club, NYC, Charming Boys in Tailored Suits, Fine Dining, Cross Country Train Rides, Secret Societies and a Mini-pig Named Mr. Pickles.

does this book exist? no. should it exist? YES.

6. Tiny Cooper

i pray to the gods of literature that john green and david levithan write a will grayson spin-off series starring the one, the only, the extremely dazzling and incredibly huge TINY COOPER. if this happens, i will be holding that book closer than a tiny dancer and faster than you can say SATAN’S FIRE COCK.

ok, i think i’ve done enough rhapsodizing for the day. now it’s y’all’s turn to share yr own personal deal makers! also, i reserve the right to add anything after i’ve had some champers because those sweet, sweet bubbles have a tendency to make me fall in love with EVERYTHING.

i’d like to start this post with a re-enactment of something that happens to me on a fairly regular basis. imagine that i’m hanging out with a friend who also happens to love YA. also imagine that i’m eating mac & cheese, because MAYBE IF WE ALL BELIEVE, IT WILL COME TRUE.

friend: hey, sarah, i just finished this book you HAVE to read. OMG IT IS SO AMAZING.
sarah: ok, what’s it about?
friend: well, it takes place in this fairy land, and–
sarah: [gives The Hand] stop right there.
friend: but i didn’t even get to tell you that–
sarah: seriously. you just said everything i need to know.
friend: but SARAH IT WILL CHANGE YR LIFE. and it won a pulitzer! and it’s michelle obama’s favorite book! and they’re making it into a movie starring mandy moore and allison janney and mark ruffalo and mindy kaling is adapting the screenplay!
sarah: I DON’T CARE I DON’T READ FAIRY BOOKS NOW PLEASE LET ME EAT MY MAC & CHEESE IN PEACE.

END SCENE.

i offer up this scenario to you to illustrate something i call the YA Deal Breaker. in this example, mine was obviously fairies. but even if you happen to love books featuring winged creatures [judgment redacted], i bet there’s something else that makes you pull a fred savage whenever you encounter it in a book. we all have at least one, and it’s a trait that will prevent us from picking up a novel, no matter how widely it’s praised, no matter how many awards it has won.

today, in the interest of snarkery, i’d like to share with you a few of my YA deal breakers. before you read the list, please note that these are my personal pet peeves, and you’re not a bad person if you happen to like any of them. well ok besides #4. and in that case, you just made susan b. anthony cry (AND SHE’S DEAD SO WAY TO GO).

1. bad cover

you’re right, book. love *does* bite. but you know what bites even more? THAT GOTH EMO SHIZZ ON YR COVER. don’t even get me started on the title of that series or i might have to make a new addition to this list. p.s. no one looks good with port wine lipstick. NO ONE.

i’ve ranted about this already, but apparently the publishing industry needs to hear me say it again. WHERE IS THE RESPECT? good teen literature deserves a cover that says, “i am a smart, compelling story!” not “if you like evanescence, YOU’LL LOVE THIS BOOK!” then again, “vampire kisses” doesn’t exactly seem like it’s vying for the printz, so maybe it actually got the cover it deserved.

still, the bottom line is, I WILL NEVER READ THAT BOOK.

2. fairies

i think i already covered this pretty extensively with my introductory scenario, but if anyone has any questions, THE ANSWER IS NO.

3. poetry

back in high school, i edited the literary magazine, which basically consisted of thinking i was really artsy and reading a LOT of heinous emo poetry about hearts crumbling into black ash and people crying eternal tears of crystal sorrow and shizz like that. i’ll never forget the relief i felt when the magazine was finally published, because it meant I WOULD NEVER READ ANGSTY POEMS AGAIN.

and then i got into YA literature. and i saw the beauty of painful teen emotion captured in captivating verse.

JUST KIDDING I WILL STILL NEVER READ ANGSTY POEMS AGAIN.

4. weakass heroine

i hesitated to put this one on the deal breaker list, because it seems so obvious. it’s like saying, “oh man, if a YA book is straight up nazi propaganda, FORGETABOUTIT.”

then i remembered twilight and how it sold a zillion copies and then i wondered if stephenie meyer could write a book lauding the aryan nation and call it “whitelight” and still turn it into a best-selling franchise and then i had to numb my pain with some bourbon.

5. nicholas sparks

DEAL BREAKER 4 LIFE.

6. anything titled “vampire kisses”

I MEAN HONESTLY.

now i’ll turn the bitchbox over to y’all. what are YA characteristics that make yr lip curl in disgust as you say, “wait, is this a ___ book?!!” SNARK AWAY!

on july 17th, 2010, something major happened. like, major major. like super duper OMG major.

we celebrated our first birthday!!!!!

or, to put it in YA terms, WE SURVIVED OUR FRESHMAN YEAR!

it’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since we launched FYA. aw, our little blog is growing up so fast! before we know it, the braces will be off, the boys will be calling and we’ll be offering daily lectures on Thinking About Yr Future. so before this year passes into distant, alcohol-drenched memory, we decided to commemorate it in true YA-style– with a yearbook!

this year’s cheesy ass theme is THE FUTURE IS OURS! and since no one cares about the cafeteria food poll or awkwardly posed “candid” shots of model students just joshin’ around with teachers, let’s get right to the good stuff!

FYA FRESHMAN CLASS OF 2010*

*since jenny was home schooled, she doesn’t have a freshman picture, so she submitted this photo of her 16-year-old self instead. which explains why she look so much more sophisticated and glamorous then the rest of us. it’s amazing what two years can do, isn’t it?

CLASS AWARDS

Ms. FYA: Meg Cabot

the title of ms. fya goes to meg cabot, whose charm and wit won us over. meg’s champion portrayal of girls and women with whom we all identify and her down-to-earth style (and her willingness to give us 152 insights into her SOUL in her between two lockers interview) make her a definite favorite around here. writing YA and adult books that are such (dare we embrace the cliche?) crossover hits are what forever young adult is all about (that, and cocktails)! - M

Mr. FYA: Brian Katcher

It all started with a simple book report for ‘Almost Perfect’.  Never did we think we’d end up winning our very own all-around favorite guy in Brian Katcher, but that is exactly what we got.  Brian’s realistic portrayal of everyboys in his books, and his ability to write about controversial issues within the context of just telling a plain old good story are obvious reasons why we like him so much.  But it has been Brian’s wit and charm in his comments on other posts (and his wife’s, too!), his sharing of drinking games and stories (oh, ask him about Mexico!), and his encompassing coolness that wins him the title of Mr. FYA. - J

Most Popular: Hunger Games Name

Months after it debuted on the scene, the Hunger Games name post still generates a lot of buzz.  It’s amazing what a little math, and the opportunity to make sly sex-and-drugs jokes, can do to a simple little post!  Over 176 comments and growing, the Hunger Games name creator has kept us well-stocked in Tributes, for which President Snow most sincerely thanks you! - E

Most Likely To Succeed: YAngelism

on a daily basis, this class crusader struggles with tremendous obstacles, from sparkly vamps to condescending adults, and yet its passion for saving literary souls never wavers. there is no greater advocate for awesome YA books, no more courageous defender of our Right to Read YA Lit than this tireless leader. fiercer than katniss and more ambitious than hermione, this superstar is running up the ladder faster than spiderman, and we only hope that, when it reaches the top, it won’t forget about the little people (and the little books!). - P

Class Clown: SVH Drinking Game

It’s hard to pick just one post here at FYA that stands out as the funniest because, let’s be honest, we’re funny bitches, but only one series of posts would make a sailor blush while possibly juggling some sort of fruit while also harping endlessly about the awesomeness of Saved by the Bell, and that is the Sweet Valley High series.  Who knew that a quaint little trip down memory lane would turn into something that I can never, ever show my child or my parents (and had to apologize to Poshdeluxe’s parents for)?  Winston Egbert will be accepting this award on the series’ behalf. - E

Most Academic: How to Judge a YA Book By Its Cover

apparently, designing YA covers is trickier than rocket science, and yet this post managed to explain the do’s and don’ts in terms even drunken bloggers can understand. we can’t wait to see what deeply intellectual mystery this prodigy attempts to crack next, and we have no doubt that it will graduate early and earn four phds before we can say, “doogie howser!” – P

Best Couple: Peeta vs Gale

Henri and I covered a lot of points in our weeks-long debate over who was a better fit for Katniss: Peeta or Gale.  But the one idea that neither of us floated turns out to be the most natural idea of all.  Forget Katniss.  Peeta and Gale can hie down to Argentina and finally sign a legally-binding contract, declaring their eternal love for one another!  I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before!  If opposites attract, then they’re covered – broody Gale can be the hunter/gatherer and moody Peeta can turn their house into a home.  Besides, Katniss may not make it through anyway – this way the boys can console each other. - E

Best Hair: Brian Katcher

We may or may not have had to beg for this.  Nevertheless, the evidence speaks:  Behold, Mr. FYA himself! - J

Most Likely To Be President: Frankie Landau-Banks

after infiltrating those silly bassets, improving the veggie fare in the caf and bravely carrying the feminist torch, there is no doubt that frankie totally rules our school (she even has the mixtape to prove it). and we can’t wait until she rules the rest of the country, too! in fact, we kind of wish we could fast forward to 20 years from now, when frankie will conquer the biggest boys club around and, most importantly, invite us to a slumber party at the white house. i call dibs on the lincoln! - P

Most Athletic: The Dairy Queen

there’s being well-rounded, and then there’s being d.j. schwenk, aka the dairy queen. not only does she dominate the basketball court, she’s also a force to be reckoned with on the football field. the BOY’S football field. and when she’s not busy tackling the opposing team, she’s wrestling with beasts of a different sort– the cows at her family dairy farm. we have no doubt that all of the college scouts will be amazed by her stats, but our favorite one? her heart is 100% gold. - P

Most Spirited: The New Moon Drinking Game

Which post could possibly win the most spirited award?  The one that has people yelling out “JORTS!” in movie theatres and living rooms across the globe!  The New Moon Drinking Game has shown its spirit in dizzying proportions (seriously, just *TRY* to chug during that spinny-month-changing-scene!); plus, it keeps us all stocked with delicious blood-orange sangria!  Viva la Jorts Revolución! - J

Chatter Box: Meredith

Awarded to our most frequent commentor, the Chatter Box title lets everyone know who loves us best/has too much time on their hands.  This year, the title is awarded to Meredith, who takes time out from her own awesome horror blog to not only makes us laugh but also assuage some of her needier friends’ tantrums about internet popularity with her hilarious and prolific comments!  (P.S. ed. note from Erin – thanks for that, Mere.) - E

Most Creative: Twilight Crafts

Easily the best contender for Most Creative is the collection of so-awful-it-hurts Twilight crafts. While you’ll never catch me cross stitching RPatz’s face on anything, we do have to admire the creative … er, talent it takes to put something like this together, and it did inspire our Home Ec category. We’d love to see the creative forces used for good not evil in the form of Hunger Games crafts! - M

Biggest Flirt: Tiny Cooper

it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight or morrissey, EVERYONE’S in love with tiny cooper. whether he’s dazzling you with his musical extravaganzas or wooing you with his tireless devotion, tiny cooper is the biggest charmer to hit FYA since, well, THE DAWN OF TIME. even though there’s no chance in hell that he’ll ever change teams for us, we’ll always be suckers for our favorite tiny dancer. TINY COOPER WE APPRECIATE YOU! – P

sure, class awards are a Big Deal and will obvs determine everyone’s future paths in life, but we all know that the best part of the yearbook is all of the meaningful messages and inside jokes that we won’t remember in two years.

so, dear internets, would you please SIGN OUR YEARBOOK? LYLAS!!!!!

I’d like to tell you all a little story.  About 3 years ago, around Halloween, I asked my then 3-year old nephew Gabe what he wanted to dress as for trick-or-treating.  He answered emphatically “Aang the Avatar!”  The response of both his parents and myself was something along the lines of ‘who the what?’ so he began explaining the awesomeness of his favorite cartoon. ‘Aang the Avatar’ soon became near and dear to my heart, if, for no other reason, but to have something to talk to the little guy about.

Now, when I heard that M. Night was directing the live action version of this beloved story, I thought well, this might actually be okay, since it’s already a well-written tale, so he’ll just be directing someone else’s story, right? Wrong!!!!!!!!  The dude wrote his own screenplay!  I knew it would suck, but still had *some* hopes.  Silly me.

I did however, enjoy myself, even during the snort-worthy scenes, and will break it down in our typically scientific manner for you, our readers.

For those of you not familiar with the cartoon, let me sum up the story for you:

The world is made up of four nations (conveniently, elements!): Fire, Water, Earth & Air. In each nation, there are benders — those with the power to move their element — and then there is the Avatar — the one person who can control all of the elements.

In this story, the last Avatar was an Airbender, but he disappeared 100 years ago.  In that time, the Fire nation has taken over the rest of the world, and rules with an iron fist, killing air, earth and water benders, hiding ancient scrolls, and keeping a military state.

One day, a brother and sister from the water nation discover a boy who has been frozen in the ice.  His name is Aang.  Their grandmother believes he is the Avatar, and so does the Fire nation, who sweep in, led by Prince Zuko, to take him away.  The brother and sister (Katara-who is a burgeoning waterbender- and Sokka) rush to rescue him, and then help him on his journey to master the other elements and bring peace to the world once again.

Now on to the movie!  Following in the steps of Sarah’s reviews of New Moon and Eclipse, I’ll divide my review into two categories: Actually Awesome and Beer Snortworthy.

ACTUALLY AWESOME
Elements of the film that I really did enjoy with v. little sarcasm.

1. Uncle Iroh

SPOILER: I mean, the dude can make fire out of nothing!!!

Actor Shaun Toub wins the award of being the cast member who not only didn’t make me snort beer up my nose even once, but was actually awesome!  Clearly, the man needs no direction.  As Prince Zuko’s Uncle Iroh, he was the great mentor, plus it’s always nice to see the ‘bad guy’ with the good mentor for a change.

2. Special Effects

If only we all had one of these whatever-this-is!

The movie, for the most part, looked pretty great.  I say pretty great, because I went into watching it with the mindset of ‘how would I view this if I were taking my nephew?’ (Basically, it will appeal to the kiddies.)

I watched it in 3-D, and visually, it was pretty cool.  Shyamalan successfully brought to the screen the fantastical world of Aang without making it look too cartoony.

3. Fights!

"Hey karate kid, wax this!"

Martial arts abounded, which always makes me happy.  How did you do that, little Noah Ringer, from Dallas, Tx?  I can’t find any information about you on imdb,  that would, like, tell me if you’re a kid-sized black belt.  Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure most of the other actors learned the fight choreography just for this film, and they did a bang-up job!

TRANSITION: BOTH AWESOME AND SNORTWORTHY:

1. Prince Zuko

"Chaiwallah, why don't you give up this ridiculous quest and go find yourself a girl?"

Hey everybody, it’s Anwar from Skins!  And I know he can actually act!  And he’s trying so hard!  Sorry you got such a sucky director, Anwar, but I still kind of loved your performance, even though if I could sum it up in one word, it would be a v. v. angry “Waaaahhh!” accompanied by a foot stomp.

BEER SNORTWORTHY
Moments where I snorted the beer I was drinking, which I consider to be a sign of pure entertainment.

1. The Direction

"Guys, so just look around real slow, like you're thinking "Maybe it's the trees..."

I know this doesn’t exactly qualify as a ‘moment’, but I list it here, because it applies to the WHOLE film.  The moments of un-snortworthiness were few and far between.  The direction was so bad, I felt bad for the actors.

2. The Abysmal Attempt To Add Romance

Princess Yue: “I once played a character named ‘Very Attractive Girl’.”  Jasper: “I’m prettier than you.  Have you heard my band?”

This just didn’t work.  Did. Not. Work.  I don’t even think my nephew would care about this ill-fated romance, and not because of the acting! Oh no, purely based on the fact Shyamalan gave it NO time to develop, and it wasn’t essential to the story anyway!  Yet he still tried to make us care at the end?  Bad form, sir.

3. The Acting

I have done some acting, y’all. Not much, but enough to know that with bad enough direction, it sometimes doesn’t matter how hard an actor tries (ever seen ‘The Brothers Grimm’?).  And the actors in this movie TRIED. They tried hard. They embraced the dismal script and ran with it. Each and every one of them.  They sold the goofy comedy with every fiber of their being, and at times it was so obvious how much they were trying to BE their non-existant characters, it was almost painful to watch.  In fact, it was painful.  Beer up the nose does not feel good.

4. The Pronunciation

So M. Night, in trying to… actually, I don’t know what he was trying to do.  Fuck up a beloved story in every way possible? Make yet another terrible movie? Ding-ding! Achieved! But I digress.  In the cartoon, Aang is pronounced with a hard ‘A’.  It is the western pronunciation, but it is how we’ve come to know it.  In the movie, they pronounced it the traditional way, with a soft ‘A’, as in ‘Ahng.’  Usually I’m all about using traditional pronunciations, but this is the main character!  And it’s been established, by me and my nephew and hundreds of others that he is ‘Aing’ the Avatar, dammit!  You choose one part of the story to ethnicize, and it’s messing with the lead’s name? Instead of, say, not casting mostly white people? LAME.

Thus concludes yet another highly scientific analysis brought to you by the makers of drinking games.  Your turn!  Do you agree with me, or disagree?  Any awesome or snortworthy moments I missed?

here on FYA, we keep it real, which is why i’m not gonna lie to y’all about the fact that i was actually super duper stoked to see “eclipse.” was it for the incredibly compelling romance? no. the tremendously moving tension between bella’s need to be human and desire to be vampire? SHYEAH right. was it for the jorts? OF COURSE IT WAS FOR THE JORTS. and also for the abs. god bless those abs.

actually, i *did* enjoy the movie. i chalk most of that up to jenny’s lethal ingenious drinking game (um, that victoria crossing the water rule? caution: it will bring the hurt), but i also have to give some credit to david slade for actually making the film, as henri put it, “watchable” (and for henri, this is high praise… for a film about sparkly vampires).

being the serious journalist that i am, i took copious notes in order to provide you, the discerning public, with my highly scientific review. read on for an in-depth analysis of the acting, the script and, most importantly, the controversial move to replace jorts with cargo pants! WHAT THE WHAT!

in spite of needing to keep my attention focused on my beverages (oh and the movie), i managed to take a few notes on my phone to aid in this review. and in the spirit of full disclosure, i will now present them to you:

note
truck
jake entrance
monolgue
shirt laugh
Jasper cray eye
Charlie notch
fave punch
swagga party
training montage
snort
jasper’s douthness
I just wanna be married to you first
courted laugh
no cost

now that i’ve shared these with y’all, CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THESE NOTES MEAN?!!! ok, i remember most of them, but i surmise that the drinking game may have hindered my journalistic abilities. and also, the auto spell feature on my phone. DOUTHNESS? obvs i meant SOUTHNESS which of course isn’t a word but i was trying to type in shorthand! gah! i bet real reporters don’t have to deal with this shizz. also i bet real reporters don’t drink on the job. cos they are suckas!

just like i did with new moon, i’ve divided my review into two categories: Actually Awesome and Beer Snortworthy.

ACTUALLY AWESOME
elements of the film that i really did enjoy with v. little sarcasm

1. charlie

almost all of the intentionally funny scenes in the film were pulled off solely by billy burke as charlie swan, and that’s due to the fact that he’s the most realistic character in the entire movie. oh and also he can act. just like with anna kendrick in “new moon,” i see charlie as an ambassador for the audience in “eclipse,” and by that i mean, he gets say to all (ok, some) of the shizz i want to yell at the screen, but he gets to say it TO THE CHARACTERS. IN THE MOVIE. THAT IS AWESOME. he got some major fist pumps when he physically separated a v. angry jacob and edward and said, “let’s bring this down a notch.” of course, we all know what he really meant was: “let’s bring the scenery chewing down a notch, otherwise there will be no buildings left in forks.” also, his incredibly awkward attempt at a sex talk with bella was totally adorbs.

2. jacob’s hotness

in my previous review, i placed jacob’s hotness in the Beer Snortworthy column, but i’ve since seen the error of my ways. because when it comes to my enjoyment of that fine physique, there is nothing snarky or ironic about it. it’s just pure, unadulterated, totally pervy appreciation. “eclipse” takes the lead from “new moon” and clothes jacob in as few shirts as possible (my count: 1). and when he DOES have to cover up the gun & ab show, the film crew makes sure to give him a motorcycle to lean on/ride, just in case you were starting to doubt his werehotness.

from (shirtlessly) carrying bella to (shirtlessly) snuggling up to her in the sleeping bag, jacob is a one man panty melting machine, and even though he doesn’t get the girl (COS SHE IS CRAZYTOWN), he *does* get his due with the most fist-pumping statement in the film, nay, in cinematic history!

3. jorts!

it wouldn’t be a(n enjoyable) twilight movie without the jorts, and thankfully, the werewolves really came through for us again. i will definitely be adding our jorts rule to the eclipse drinking game, although we still have to pour one out because LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE, READERS. LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE:

no, look down… seriously, just, for a second, look down and you will notice KHAKI CARGO SHORTS, aka AN ABOMINATION OF THE WEREWOLF WARDROBE.

moviemakers, i’ll forgive you this time, because, well, jacob’s chest/abs/arms, but don’t even THINK of attempting this foolishness again.

4. best party entrance ever

when jacob & co show up at the cullen graduation soiree, the entire theater went “AWWWW SHIZZ!” and thus, my “swagga party” note was born.

5. seth clearwater

LOOK AT THIS CUTENESS!!! OMG!!!! seth clearwater i want to put you in my pocket, take you home and dress you in a suit and bowtie! then maybe we can have a little convo about why yr parents named you booboo stewart in real life. because i really need to know.

6. the training montage

in general, the action in this movie was pretty great (and definitely one of the main reasons it was actually watchable), and the icing on the ass kicking cake was the cullens’ demonstration of their vampire fighting skills for the werewolves. in other words, A TRAINING MONTAGE. note to “breaking dawn” filmmakers: you can never go wrong with a training montage. p.s. good luck. p.p.s. seriously, WHY are you making this movie? p.p.p.s. HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK?

honorable mention in this category goes to the rosalie’s flashback scene, which didn’t make the final cut because they stopped the flashback exactly when it was about to get good, aka dear rapists: BISH GONNA EFF YOU UP.

BEER SNORTWORTHY
moments where i snorted the beer i was drinking, which i consider to be a sign of pure entertainment

1. the wigs

riddle me this, hollywood. how can a film have the budget for incredibly realistic CGI wolves, yet not be able to afford remotely believable wigs? seriously, cullen family, the barbie salon head i had in the 80s has better hair than any of you. and that’s AFTER i tried to wash it. several times.

2. robert pattinson trying to act angry

let’s be honest. i pretty much snort beer *anytime* rpatz tries to act beyond his range (handsome and silent). but when the script demands an angry/frustrated/jealous edward, you can expect not just a snort, but full on beer spittage. hey, robert, keanu called, and he just wanted to say thanks for making him look like a real actor! also he wants to apologize for the last two matrix movies. p.s. nice wig, bella.

3. nothing says “i love you” like rewiring yr truck so you can’t see other people

i know, i know, i should be used to edward’s stalkery ways by now. but REALLY? this film should end with a 1-8oo hotline for people in abusive relationships. and i’m not even joking.

4. well, shoot, i reckon that jasper is a terrible southerner!

the main actor giving rpatz a run for his razzie money is jackson rathbone, who plays jasper. now, you’d think that with a name like jackson rathbone, the dude could play a convincing southerner. of course, you’d also think that a billion dollar film franchise could afford to hire good actors. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ASS-U-ME THINGS.

5. jasper’s crazy eyes

jasper’s cray cray eyes are BACK and they’re BIGGER THAN EVER. thank the sweet silver screen that he gets more scenes in this movie, so we can see the full spectrum of his insanity.

p.s. i’m also totally adding jasper’s crazy eyes to the drinking game. because my liver hasn’t sent me enough hate mail lately.

6. the fact that any dude would actually fight for bella

i could write a whole entry about this (and many others have) but i had to mention it here cos it bothered me in “eclipse” even more than in the two previous movies combined. WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT BELLA YOU GUYS? sure, she’s pretty, and she stopped doing that hair push back thing (a tremendous acting stride, kristen!) but she’s also hella boring! here, let’s play a game: can you guess the major difference between her performance in the tent scene and the rest of the film? oh, sorry folks, the answer is NOT that she was snoozeville, it’s that she was wearing a hat!

7. the glaring lack of coats

during all of the snowy mountaintop scenes, i was totally channeling my dad: “wait, does bella not own a coat? IT’S SNOWING FOR GOD’S SAKES. who cares if there are vampires afoot, what about the high chance of hypothermia?! this girl doesn’t need a werewolf, she just needs a coat! SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL A FULL LENGTH PUFFY COAT.”

8. edward cullen’s definition of “old fashioned courting”

this portion of the film gets the highly acclaimed This Actually Made Posh Spew Beer award for being the most ridiculous piece of script ever uttered in earnest (well, as earnest as rpatz can act). i can only hope that when someone eventually proposes to me, he will say those magical words: “i want to sit on a porch and drink iced tea with you.” then i will know, without a doubt, that i need to break up with that douchebag immediately cos he prefers ice tea to sex. and also because he has terrible taste in rings. bonus: this moment in the movie is the only time my row of friends got actually SHUSHED by other members of the audience. i considered that shushing to be a badge of honor and accepted it humbly (and with a swig of beer).

9. bree tanner

well, i think i’m about done here with all of my scientific analysis and intrepid journalism. now it’s yr turn! do you agree? disagree? come have some ice tea on the porch with me and we’ll have a real old-fashioned discussion about it!

for an even better review of the film, check out the vulture slideshow (easily the thing i most anticipate about a new twilight movie). and for the best definition of the true “teams” in this movie, you MUST read this.

welcome back, ya-men and ya-ladies, to the second and final installment of our 2010 BLOWOUT PROM ISSUE. just like with the first volume, you can expect deliciously awkward (and therefore entertaining, obvs) stories from our v. own bloggers and readers about the most fancy pants night of their YA lives.

today’s volume introduces some charmingly masochistic traditions, such as the senior walk and the prom board, as well as incredible fashion tips (goth dresses! capes!) paired with the ultimate soundtrack (celine dion! lady in red!). so, slap on those corsages, spray the shizz out of yr hair with some white rain, and LET’S GO TO PROM!

From Sarah/Posh D:

i KNOW. i know. my bangs are amazing. oh wait, you were looking at my dress. DON’T LOOK AT THE DRESS. focus on the bangs. THE AWESOME BANGS.

1) Prom Date:

jeff had been my youth group crush for about two years, and i finally worked up the nerve to ask him to prom (we went to different schools) while we were cleaning out the youth group house (tres romantique!). i don’t think he *like* liked me at the time, but he said yes and was a super fun date– a little awkward, esp. since he didn’t know anyone else, but mostly charming and nice. we ended up briefly dating a year later HOLLA!

2) Favorite Song:

well, i was DYING for the DJ to play “lady in red,” which i considered the most swoonworthy music of all time (and, um, i still kinda do). when it finally came on, i forced jeff to slow dance with me, and as we awkwardly circled the dance floor, i kept waiting for that perfect moment feeling, the one i’d always seen in films and read about it books. and… it never happened. it sounds silly, but that was a huge moment for me– the realization that my life was not, in fact, a movie (although 13 years later, i’m still pretending it is).

3) Most YA-tastic Moment:

hmm, i could go with my complete ignorance of the fact that my dress was actually designed for goth girls (CRINGEWORTHY EVEN TODAY! although it did come in handy when i went to that vampire prom last year), but i think i’ll settle for the moment when i walked by my HS crush, who saw me and my date and said, “hey, sarah, you look fantastic!” those may seem like empty words to you but HE SAID I LOOKED FANTASTIC YOU GUYS. in front of my youth group crush!!! HIGHLIGHT OF MY YA LIFE!

From Megan (no h):

One of my favorite things about prom at my high school THE PROM BOARD (which we shall call TPB here on out). Each spring our popular upperclassmen teacher reserved an entire wall/white board for the sole purpose of listing every single established couple for our prom. The teacher wouldn’t maintain it, but requested that his students add people’s name every time they learned of a (confirmed) prom couple.

Now TPB was some serious shit. It was closely monitored and constantly updated.  Plus, it was completely color coded. Someone’s name would be listed next to their date and one color marker used if you were a senior, another color for juniors, a third for underclassmen and a fourth for people from other schools. The list would start out easy – known couples, people who knew their dates a long time coming, etc. It was a GREAT way to find out if someone you liked or wanted to ask already had a date. It was a huge public school (3000 people) too, so TPB got to be pretty damn epic. We’re talking hundreds and hundreds of names. It added an intense sense of urgency to the whole (already painful) process of nailing down a date.

Like all things epic TPB could be good or evil. When I decided to go to prom with a good guy friend, turns out I caused trouble when they added us because I was already listed on TPB with another date (a guy I had kinda sorta dated for a few weeks but hadn’t talked to in a month). Whoops. The direct result was me dumping that guy I wasn’t even really dating anymore because too many people (including a few TPB monitors) thought that was still on. Awkward.

From Porcelinajune:

1) My date was my friend, Mike.  I had been so proud of of him as he pulled his act and money together to be an awesome date to prom.  Everything was fun and cool and awesome until we actually got to prom.  He ended up sitting in a corner most of the night whining and moaning to anyone who would listen about his girlfriend (she went to another school and him and I had prom plans for months before he met her) was dumping him.  I ended up awkwardly standing around all night as my friends were busy being all lovey dovey with their partners.

2) The only song I remember dancing to at my prom was “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion as we all know how that song was EVERYWHERE in 1998.  My high school crush had promised me a dance and it just so happened to be this song.  He said all those things that crushes say that stab you right in the heart as you know they will never leave their girlfriend for you.  (HA but now he is all trying to be up in my kool-aid).

3)I have two very YAtastic moments.  At my school, each year the seniors would do a “senior walk” where they call out the senior’s name and their date while they walk down a red carpet.  I had been dreaming of this moment since 9th grade.  It was suppose to be my moment where everyone would realize how glamorous and amazing and beautiful and too cool for them I was. However, when it came time for my red carpet moment, disaster of Lindsay Lohan proportions struck. First some background, if you recall in your musical repertoire, Hanson was wildly popular around the time.  My prom date was tall, thin, and had long blonde hair which earned him the nickname Mmmbop.  So as we made our way onto the red carpet and our names were called, someone in the audience yelled “HEY MMMBOP” and the whole audience started laughing.  In my mind, people were rolling on the ground, peeing themselves with laughter. In retrospect, I realize it really wasn’t that big of deal.  What the hell am I saying?  I am still deeply scarred my moment was stolen from me!

The second moment came after prom when I got into a screaming, falling down on the ground in dramatic fits with a former friend in a parking lot at the beach.  The gist of the fight was she was suppose to come to prom with me and our friends.  However, she chose to go to prom with another group of former friends, one of which she had claimed earlier in the year had tried to take advantage of her sexually while she was unconscious. The whole thing was a big hot mess.

From Capillya (@shabbygeek):

Me & Prom Date (now Hubs), circa 2001. It was my first (senior) prom.

1) Prom Date:

A boy I first laid eyes on as we were taking the ACTs who came bounding in to class (I mean srsly who is that excited about ACTs at 6:30AM) that I crushed on and finally he asked me out and I said yes because he won me over with his total nerdiness and big toothy grin. I mean really. LOOK AT ALL THE TEETH. Oh, and he was really funny and nice and smart, too.

2) Favorite Song:

Cha Cha Slide. What can I say? I like looking like part of a gigantic choreographed group. I like to think of it as Boy Banding.

3) Most YA-tastic Moment:

The hair was not right. The woman who was assigned to attack my mane didn’t realize it’d take 2.5 hours just to get her THAT far, and therefore she did a half-up-half-down thing and sprinkled some pearly bits on the top like I was some sort of cupcake. The eyebrows were not right (Um, do you SEE any on my face?!). Prom Date and I were actually working on a yearbook documentary the actual day OF prom and I missed my pedicure appointment. And Dad was late picking me up to take my to get my hair did. Oh, and did I mention Prom Date and I didn’t even get to dance to the Romantic-Dance-That-Everyone-Dances-To because he had a videocam glued to his eyeballs the entire song (for aforementioned yearbook doc). Yeah, I know. Take your pic of the lame moments!

From Erin:

1) Prom Date:

I’ve actually been to three proms, with three different dates.  Prom #1(jr year), my prom date was my friend and eventual college roommate, Brandy.  She wore a cape!  We went with our friends Kim and Corey, who were each other’s date, respectively.  Prom #2 (sr year), my prom date was the aforementioned Corey, who by that time was my boyfriend.  (yeah, that’s how I roll.)  Corey and I went to different schools, and our proms happened to be on the same night.  Instead of splitting the difference, or each of us just going to our own prom and meeting up afterwards, his mom basically forced us to go to his prom.  Which BLEW.  Prom #3 (my first senior year in college ), my prom date was my then-boyfriend Matt, plus several of our friends.  Long story short: our friend Fritz’s mother was a HS principal, and the dj cancelled on her last minute, so she asked Fritz if he could come down and DJ, and told him he could bring some friends.  Which is how six grown people managed to descend onto a small-town prom.

2) Favorite Song:

I don’t remember any of the songs that they played at my real proms, except for “The End of the Road” by BoysIIMen, which is obvs a classic unparalleled in these modern times.  Also I believe that the Cotton-Eyed Joe may have made an appearance; I can neither confirm nor deny.  However, at Best Prom Ever, (aka the one we crashed in college) Fritz played a variety of thumpin’ tunes, such as: the Hot Popcorn song, Tiny Tim, Dean Martin and Jay-Z.  Also, there was the following line uttered by Fritz to a crestfallen high school senior: “No, I’m not going to play Big N Rich or Ludicrus.  Shut up, sit down; you’re getting Elton John.”

3) Most YA-tastic Moment:

It’s a toss-up!  My senior year prom involved trips to BOTH Macaroni Grill (the Olive Garden for the suburb set) *and* ihop.  It also included something I was not witness to, which I mourn to this day.  Over at my actual prom – you know, the one that my boyfriend’s mother through a fit about us attending, so we didn’t go – my friend, the school valedictorian, was crowned prom queen.  It was kind of AWESOME, because while well-liked, she was also, you know.  A nerd.  And her name was Andrea, so it’s basically JUST LIKE Andrea Zuckermann on Bev Niners!

The second YA-tastic moment was at The Best Prom Ever, because we totally snuck in flasks, spiked all our drinks, got really drunk, gossiped loudly about s-e-x in the bathrooms and tore up the dance floor with our slick dancing moves.  It was everything I’d ever wanted in a high school prom but was way too much of a good girl – or maybe just not enough of a jerk – to do.

Have you noticed that there seems to be a shortage of good BFFs for YA heroes and heroines lately? Of course you have, you insightful reader, you! Since our utmost desire (after obtaining cocktails, naturally) is to fulfill your every need, we’ve come up with fantasy BFFs, FYA style!

Once we chose the BFFs, we thought, “Now what would these two do for fun?  Where would they hang out? And most importantly, who would they dish about?”  Read on to find out what we came up with!

Obviously, there are already some great BFFs in literary (and cinematic) history!  I mean, what would Pony Boy have done without Johnny? Or how about Anne and Diana?

Since we came up with this idea, we knew we’d have to answer some hard-hitting questions to really make this work.

• Where would they hang out?
• Who would they prank call?
• What would be their fave snack?
• Who would they dish about?
• What would be the one thing they can never agree on?
• What movie would they constantly quote?
• What would be their #1 song for dance parties?
• What would be their defining moment?

So now the question remains just who do we choose for this?  Well, our first contestant in any FYA fantasy has to be our homegirl Katniss.  (And does she ever need a BFF!)  My friend, commenter on the site  and our resident BEA expert Talya helped me come up with this one!

Katniss & Katsa
BFFs 4EVER!

• Where would they hang out?

These two girls would spend a lot of time outside; however, Katniss did get a taste for some of the finer things when she was in the capital, so I imagine them doing quite a bit of shopping. In New York. At Barneys.

• Who would they prank call?

President Snow, obvs.

• What would be their fave snack?

Brunch at the 4 seasons, and for Katniss, specifically the lamb stew, obvs.

• Who would they dish about?

Well, once these two let their guards down, they might be able to really help each other figure out their true feelings about Po, and Peeta and Gale.

Wait, you know what? Screw that.  If these two were BFFs, they might one day pause in the dressing room mirror at Barneys and realize that they are seriously the most kick-ass bishes around, and ditch the boys in favor of saving the world.

• What would be the one thing they can never agree on?

Who drives, and how many weapons to pack.

• What movie would they constantly quote?

There’s two: Pulp Fiction and Clueless (representin’ both sides of their personalities).

• What would be their #1 song for dance parties?

Anything from the Hunger Games Mix, obvs!  But specifically ‘Love Is A Battlefield’.

• What would be their defining moment?

Sale at Barneys. Mayhem.  Instincts take over and our girls suddenly find themselves back to back, sword and arrow drawn as they casually peruse the Marc Jacobs sweaters.

I feel so much better now that this critical literary problem has been solved!!!
So here’s what we’re gonna do: I’ve come up with some BFF soul mates, and you guys can pick one (or more) of them to answer our highly scientific questions about, and post your answers in the comments! OR you can come up with your own pairings! Because we believe in choice! And cocktails!

My List:

Frankie Landau-Banks & Samantha Madison
(The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks & All-American Girl)

Schuyler Van Alen & Bianca Olivier
(Blue Bloods & Evernight, series)

Logan Witherspoon & Tiny Cooper
(Almost Perfect & Will Grayson, Will Grayson)

a few weeks ago, we asked y’all to submit yr own stories and photos from one of the most disappointing magical milestones of YA, that clustercuss of angst, excitement and glittery lip gloss known as PROM.

and after weeks of reading through yr amazing submissions, i am pleased to present the FYA Prom Mega Spectacular, Volume 1! the second volume will be published next week, because we received ample humiliation to spread around. and while not nearly enough people submitted photos (“i lost them!” “i burned them!” YEAH RIGHT, liars), all of the stories are straight out of a YA novel, aka prepare yrselves for tragic hilarity!

wow, i suddenly feel like the editor of seventeen magazine. where’s the sassy yet professional photo of me in my huge office, drinking a big mug of coffee? come to think of it, where’s my huge office?!

From Meghan:

1) Who was yr prom date (if you had one)? Please provide a brief description (crush? best friend? boyfriend/girlfriend?).

david — i’d had a crush on him since 10th grade. he graduated from the other high school in town the year before, and was my dream date. two of my friends ALSO had dream dates with the boys they’d crushed on since 10th grade (and nekendrik even came to the prom with brea in his marine dress blues!!). the funny thing is, after that night all THREE of us were totally and completely nonplussed. like, absolutely unimpressed. we were all like, “what? we spent 3 years dreaming about THAT guy? what was i THINKING?!?” david was very nice, but very VERY boring. ha.

2) What was yr favorite song that played at the prom?

jeez, i can’t even remember. i just know they always ended all dances with the garth brooks song “the dance” and they always ALWAYS played “sweet home alabama”

3) What was the most YA-tastic moment of the night?

hm. probably the story about finding out my date wasn’t my dream date after all. that and the rockin’ balloon arch decorations. man, i wish i had a picture of those.

From Katie:

1) Prom Date:

My prom date was Danny Fisher. He was a thug-wannabe, having grown up in the same upper-middle class Westchester town that I did. He tried to start a gang. You can imagine he talked like he grew up in the ghetto. He was stupid but looked good in pictures. When I asked him (all girl’s school), he had to first clear the night because he had so many other proms he was already going to. We kinda grew up together. But apparently, asking him to the prom made him think he needed to take me on a date. My birthday was like a week before the prom. So to celebrate, he took me to New Ro high school (he did NOT go there, he went to private school). First we stopped off at a bodega where he bought a 40 and bought ME a 20, making some sort of comment that was supposed to be romantic about my being little. He proceeded to drink it and drive to the school. There, he held my hand and pointed out all the graffiti and told me what it meant. Romantic. The prom was equally horrible. I paid for his tux, ticket, limo, etc. etc. because he couldn’t afford yet ANOTHER prom. At the prom, I drank too much soco and wound up hooking up with him in a not-so-private place. Unforch, I did not drink enough to black out visuals of this encounter. Memories of this still make me feel disgusting. *shudder*

2) Favorite Song:

Totally “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure! Or Forever Young, but Alphaville. Makes me want to slice Jay-Z’s throat, incidentally… STOP ASSAULTING MY YOUTH!

3) Most YA-tastic Moment:

Being in a limo in the city at night! Me and my friend Erin and sticking out of the sunroof at night with yelling something embarrassing like, “NEW YORK I LOVE YOU!” I really thought people probably believed us to be celebrities. I was obviously drunk. Erin’s date passing the bouncer at the Palladium money so we didn’t have to wait in line! Ha! Oh! Another one–post-prom? See, my nemesis had taken Danny to her prom the year before. I remember her telling me he kept calling her afterward, asking when he could get the pictures. After my prom, I called him to tell him I had the pictures, and his sister answered. she siad “Oh hi, Katie, sure hold on.” there was silence, then she came back on and said “um, he’s not here.” Like I was stalking him. Insult to injury, I tell ya. He never called ME back for the pictures. *sigh*

From Megan McCafferty:

Senior prom. My date was my ex-boyfriend’s best friend. This sounds more dramatic than it really was. I deeply regret the tan.

From Joanne:

I don’t have a readily available prom picture to send, but my prom was so YA-tastic I just had to share the story.

my date was my crush who was super cute and from another school so everyone was surprised by my totes hot date.  he was also younger than me (because I was a cougar before it was popular).

I have no memory of any songs that were played, but I do remember that Ricky Martin was popular at the time because my date bore a striking resemblance to him. and coincidently enough, both turned out to be gay.

the dramarama factor:  fight with the best friend who wouldn’t stop trying to flirt with him and then at the after party he ended up having sex with my arch enemy while I was next to them because they thought I was asleep.  the rest of the night was spent with the enemy’s 2 good friends and I drinking strawberry wine on the floor of the kitchen and them apologizing to me for her slutty ways.

so would that make for a good ya book or what?

From Jenny:

1) Prom Date:

I was home-schooled, so I didn’t have a prom.  That fact seriously bothered me for many years.  I wanted to be like all the cool people i’d talk to who would tell me that I didn’t miss anything, and that all proms are terrible, but I wanted a prom, dangit!  I had a right to that terrible experience!  So, many years later, my husband, George was the programmer at an art-house theatre, and held a “Buffy Prom”, and my dreams were finally fulfilled!

2) Favorite song:

Total Eclipse of the Heart, obvs.

3) Most YA-tastic moment:

I had two:
1. George went out to run some pre-show errands before the prom, and when he came back, he had gotten me a wrist corsage, because he wanted me to have the *whole* prom experience. 2. We took photos of all the couples under an arch (with hell hounds in the background, of course, and everybody there could vote for their favorite couple, who would, at the end of the night, be crowned prom king and queen.  This one super sweet and super scary looking middle-aged goth couple came with a bunch of their friends, and they won!  It was like the best geek prom ever!  George and I crowned them, and then they got to dance to ‘Stairway to Heaven’ on stage.