When I wrote about my love for Lifetime’s Unreal in a post last week, the response was overwhelming. The internet begged me to recap it, and I had no choice but to bow down to this show’s rabid fans.*
*By internet, I mean four people.
And after watching tonight’s episode, I am SO GLAD I let y’all twist my arm, because WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS.
The Rundown
- When the show begins, Jeremy is getting it on with Lizzie, and we all know that he’s pretending she’s Rachel. He gets rough, but even though it’s not, like, 50 Shades of rough, Lizzie is displeased.
- After hearing Chet talk shizz about Mary’s age, Quinn (who is only a year younger than Mary) makes a bet with Chet that Mary lasts another week. She and Rachel see Mary as a chance to make a feminist statement on the show, because that will end well, and after Quinn leaves to pitch the network on the next season, Rachel thinks it would be a GREAT idea to bring in Kirk, Mary’s ex-husband. I wish I hadn’t just written, “that will end well,” because now I really mean it.
- Mary’s sister Louise arrives for “Family Day” with Lilly Bell, and Mary’s acting a little unhinged. Finally, we see some guilt flit across Shia’s face. Adam is not feeling the kid thing, but Rachel shows him how to talk to children by sitting super close to him. They share a MOMENT.
- Chet, in an attempt to win the bet, give Anna a rabbit that she uses to interrupt Family Day and draw Lily Bell’s attention away from her mom. Mary FLIPS OUT and tells Anna to get the hell away, which isn’t winning her any points with Adam… or the viewers. I can’t say the same for Anna, who definitely looks like she’ll score with Adam later that night.
- Kirk, the ex-husband, shows up, and WOW THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. He and Mary immediately begin to argue, and when he gets physical, Adam tries in vain to stop him. But of course, it’s Jeremy who brings him down– right when Kirk is about to attack Rachel. MOMENT. Lizzie notices, obvs, and later tells Jeremy that she thinks they should postpone the wedding. FINE BY ME.
- At the studio office, Quinn is getting nowhere with her pitch because the network dude is a terrible person. Thank goodness Chet speaks fluent douchebag, because he ends up salvaging the pitch of Everlasting “in space,” and he and Quinn celebrate afterwards with some foreplay. They’re interrupted by Chet’s wife, Cynthia, who is calling to tell him that it’s a boy! It’s a welcome cockblock, because Quinn needs to KICK CHET TO THE CURB.
- Mary, becoming increasingly manic, goes into the trailer where Kirk is being held to tell him off, but he ends up getting inside her head and filling it with the most awful, insidious lies. Seriously, this scene killed a part of my soul. It also did a number on Mary, because she ends up ON THE ROOF. Holy shit. Rachel climbs up and tries to talk her down, but just as she grabs her hand, Mary asks her to take the plunge with her THEN JUMPS. AND SHE’S DEAD. I CAN’T EVEN. I. CANNOT. EVEN.
This Week’s Wifey
Anna definitely has the upper hand after this round, and I’m sure Adam will be seeking solace in her bed some time soon.
This Week’s Villain
Damn, it’s a toss-up between Shia, who changed out Mary’s medication, and Rachel, who invited Mary’s abusive ex-husband to come to the show. But since Shia put all of the blame on Rachel, because she can’t admit her own culpability, I’m gonna go with Shia. Quick tangent– I’ve never before seen a show that can take good intentions and twist them into such dark shapes. This episode was a brilliant example of that mastery of motive, with Rachel honestly hoping to make a feminist point and then bungling it so, so, so badly.
True Love, People
This category captures the most swoon-worthy moment of the episode.
It was pretty hot when Jeremy beat up Kirk to protect Rachel, but it was this exchange that set my heart aflutter:
Rachel, trying not to sound too serious: “You likin’ anyone? Besides Grace?”
Adam, staring into Rachel’s eyes: “Maybe.”
Bitch, Plz
I created this category to showcase all of the awesomely awful things people say on this show.
Quinn: “Family day. [Fart noise] Talk about polishing a turd.”
Adam: “I hate children.”
Rachel: “We’re doing Mary a favor.”
Burning Questions
- Are Rachel’s eating habits the worst, or are they the worst? I swear, she’s gotta be part Gilmore.
- Where has Anna been?! She was definitely not in last week’s episode, even when they panned the contestants. That’s sloppy, show.
- I know I should care about the bigger repercussions of Mary’s death, like, you know, the effect on Lily Bell, but what I really want to know is how this will impact Jeremy’s feelings toward Rachel. BECAUSE I AM A BAD PERSON. (Just like Rachel.)
- Speaking of Jeremy, i thought the “rough” sex at the beginning was well done, in that I could understand Lizzie’s POV, but I didn’t think Jeremy did anything wrong. It also made the idea of him and Rachel as a couple that much hotter, because you KNOW they would get down and dirty.
- But seriously, how are they going to continue Everlasting? Or does Mary’s death lead to, as Chet would say, boo-ya ratings?
- Did anyone else find themselves actually yearning to be on Everlasting because of ALL THE MIMOSAS? Asking for a friend.
Bring your answers to any/all of the above and join me in the comments as we rant, rave and grieve the loss of Mary. Man, it’s actually really effing sad. (Well played, show.)
