Vampire Diaries: The Return Recap

Holy Crap, you guys! With the exception of the fact that minus the commercials, I think the whole episode lasted about 28 minutes, last night’s Vampire Diaries season 2 opener did NOT disappoint!

That Nina Dobrev is kicking some major ass in the dual roles of Elena/Katherine! And in the Salvatore brothers’ corner, there’s feelings! Jealousy! Semi-shirtlessness!  Nothing but spoilers after the break, so if you haven’t watched your DVR yet, DO NOT read on!

We picked up right where season 1 left off, with Elena just entering the house where the COTEP has just overdosed on some pills and, more importantly, Katherine has just chopped the fingers off of and stabbed Sark!

So Katherine stalks Elena a little bit with the super-fast swooshy noise they use on this show, (which teaches us that if we’re home alone, and we hear a swooshy noise? Be very afraid. Unless it’s Stefan or Damon. Then be very excited.) and Sark is sent off to the hospital.  Once at the hospital, Damon tries to talk to Elena about ‘their’ kiss, but of course, she has no idea what he’s talking about, but it takes absentee Aunt Jenna to show up and say something ELSE Elena doesn’t remember for him to realize it wasn’t Elena he kissed at all, and that Katherine is back!

it's the jaunty belt-buckle that lets us know she's the evil one!

Then, in some other news that I’m sure will play a larger part later, the newly dead mayor’s black-sheep-of-the-family-brother comes to town, just in time for the mayor’s funeral, and to give some mentoring to the mayor’s son (whose name, I finally found out, is Tyler. How appropriate.) But yowzas!  The mayor’s kid brother is the same age as his son! And looks like a low rent Benicio del Toro! Except not in this picture, which was the only one I could find on such short notice.

These guys HAVE to be weres, right? Mayor's brother on the left, his son on the right.

Moving on, Stefan threatens Sark, telling him to leave Mystic Falls, or he’ll turn him into the very thing he hates the most (the character who makes an entire show better, yet inevitably gets killed off? Oh, a vampire.). Don’t leave, Sark! Let Stefan turn you!

Then while everybody’s gathered at the mayor’s house for the funeral, Katherine shows up again and tries to kill Bonnie or something, and Bonnie’s still hating on Damon, even though he gave Caroline some of his blood so she’d wake up from the coma, but Stefan intervenes, and they decide to go for a walk.  Stefan tells Katherine in no uncertain terms how much he hates her, and tries to get her to tell him why she’s back in town, to which she sulkily replies “I came back for you, Stefan.” and then stabs him with a candle stick!

Aw, I know what’s going on, Katherine’s just up to her favorite old pastime, trying to play the Salvatore brothers against each other! Again! And Stefan just let it slip that Damon has been obsessed with her for the last 140-something years! D’oh! Stefan! What were you thinking?!!

Elena dabs at Stefan's stab wound. This looks pretty serious, Mr. Better take that shirt off...

Back at Elena’s house, Sark is packing his belongings, but pauses to give some fatherly advice to the COTEP! Come back, Sark! Come back!

Then flash back to the dead mayor’s house.  His son is mad the mayor is dead. So he starts trashing things, obvs. His uncle wrestles him to the floor. Settle down, young werewolf.

Flash to Damon, at home! Wait, Katherine Mc Stabby’s at the Salvatore’s house? I smell trouble.  Or hot, hot vampire sex!  They start to fight, and then start to kiss, and Katherine starts ripping off Damon’s shirt. Take it off, Katherine!!  But Damon stops her (and the world slaps its forehead) because he needs to know if she really does love him.  To which she replies, ”The truth is, I’ve never loved you. It was always Stefan.”  Come on, that’s weak.  We can all see right through that. Predictable vampires. Don’t believe her, Damon, she’s just playing you!  She OBVIOUSLY doesn’t love either of you.

The Salvatore brothers debating which one of them should take his shirt off first.

Flash to Elena’s house, where she finds Damon waiting for her in her room, and he starts to pull a Spike, trying to get her to admit that he wasn’t wrong in thinking that she could kiss him, and then she basically repeats what Katherine said, in that she will always choose Stefan.  This makes Damon feel like a real Jan Brady, but instead of whining, OH MY GOD. Damon breaks the neck of the COTEP!

But the COTEP was wearing Sark’s ring, so is he really dead?

Cut to Elena describing to Stefan how Damon doesn’t want to feel any more, cut to Damon. And he’s crying!  Damon! Over here! Anway, the COTEP wakes up! I guess the ring protected him. Man, who does a whiny brother have to blow to get turned into a vampire over here?

Final scene: it’s Katherine, and she’s in Caroline’s hospital room, and she asks Caroline to give the Salvatore’s a message.  When Caroline asks ‘what message?’ Katherine smothers her!  Katherine! How is she going to give the boys a message if she’s dead!  And also, why Caroline?!!  I would rather the COTEP have died!!

So what happens next?!! Is Caroline really dead? Will Sark return? How evil will Damon go to prove he’s not broken-hearted? When is Alaric going to make an appearance? But most importantly, when are we going to see more shirtless Salvatores? Tune in next week to find out!

Until then, let’s hear your thoughts!

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1. Dear Diary, the 1st season of Vampire Diaries was so cray!!!!
2. Vampire Diaries: Book vs. Show DEATHMATCH!