YOU GUYS! I’m so glad it’s Friday, for so many reasons! First, because my entire goal for the day is to lay around in bed, drinking mimosas with The Ambassador, when not cooking brunch or eating French food tonight. Second, because tomorrow is Saturday, and that means FOOTBALL! And third, because TODAY IS SVH DAY, WHAT WHAT!!!
If you’ve been keeping up with our shenanigans recently, you’ll know that last weekend, the FYAers got together at lovely hostess-with-the-mostest Meredith’s house to drink Effies, stuff ourselves with pizza, and make crude blow job motions on camera, but more importantly, TO PLAY THE SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOARD GAME. (Which right now is sitting in the trunk of my car, still, so that I can bring it out at any social gathering.)
And what you may not know, if you haven’t yet watched Sarah’s amazing video recap of events, is that I WON THE GAME. Which is only just and fair. I mean, I’m the one who has dreams that Winston Egbert and Lila Fowler are going to swingers’ clubs together – yes, that actually happened the other night in my dreamworld – so CLEARLY I deserve all the winnings I can get, even if they are just for board games and we all just wanted the whole thing to be over.
So, step inside, and let’s see what Sweet Valley High has in store for us this week. HINT: REGINA DIES A DEATH.
In case you need catching up with the Sweet Valley High drinking game rules or what’s happened so far:
Sweet Valley High 1-5, plus Drinking Game Rules
Sweet Valley High 21-25 plus Perfect Summer
Sweet Valley High 26-30 plus Special Christmas and Malibu Summer
Sweet Valley High 31-35 and Spring Fever
Sweet Valley High 36: Last Chance
in which Peter DeHaven is just fucking things up for people left and right
Number Of Drinks Taken: 41
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2 and 4. One page just simply wasn’t enough, and the twins are so pretty that the author needed to take a slight pause on page three to regroup and refocus.
Main Plot: Johanna Porter, school drop-out and sadly not former Tribute prone to disrobing/being awesome, has returned to Sweet Valley High! Well done, Johanna! She dropped out of school because she wasn’t good at music – or something like that – and apparently her parents just went along with that because they wanted Johanna to Be Her Own Person, or whatever else New Age-y, California, Hippie Parent bullshit people spout to cover up the fact that they’re too lazy to properly parent their children. I mean, hey, be a lazy parent; I don’t give a rat’s ass. But don’t try to trump it up by spouting some psychobabble about how your 14 year old daughter should be allowed to “go her own way” and “make her own mistakes,” i.e. do a lot of drugs and pop out 4 charming, yet illegitimate, children by the age of 18, which you will then take to raising in your mansion. You know, in the South, we also have lazy parents, but they at least are honest with themselves, and spend most of their time sitting on the front porch drinking PBR instead of talking about how Little Mackenzye is a savant who only needs to work through her taste for eating heroin before churning out a few symphonies. I’M JUST SAYIN’.
Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah, Johanna. Well, her mom kicked the bucket and when Johanna was rooting through her stuff, she found a journal in which her mother wrote her innermost thoughts and feelings, namely, “boy, it sure would be nice if my damn daughter would go back and get a high school education.” So Johanna returns to school and soon catches the eye/boner of Peter DeHaven, who is a GIANT DOUCHELORD who also likes science. AND DOUCHERY.
Peter DeHaven is dating Amy Sutton, who you may recall is Elizabeth’s former best friend from the days of the Unicorns, but who has changed into a boy-crazy, empty-headed teenage girl. Amy is not particularly pleased about the fact that Johanna keeps hanging out with Peter and helping him with his science fair project, and she makes Johanna cry, or something. Whatever! Ladies! Do not fight over Peter DeHaven! He is so unworth it to actually be WORTH NOTHING. He is the PESOS of boyfriends! Except I think right now even the peso is worth more than the dollar. What is the world coming to when America can’t smugly proclaim itself better than even its closest neighbors without any evidence to back that claim up? Pretty soon, we’re going to end up a humbled people, begging for UN intervention to stop the raging genocide in our country and not receiving it because the world superpower, China, doesn’t approve of the way we farm our goats, or whatever.
Whatever, whatever, it all works itself out when Peter DeHaven is revealed to be a douchecanoe of the first fleet, and Johanna learns she’s really good at math and science and she accepts herself for being no good at music. Hey, Johanna, SOME OF US are also no good at music, but we don’t even have an academic talent to fall back on! We have no talents to fall back on, until a friend suggests starting a website in which we can, in part, reread Sweet Valley High books and then make fun of them!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica gets it into her head that Cara and Stephen/Steven (since the spelling of his name seems to change in every book – or maybe it’s just cause I’m drunk and I hallucinate that - I’m going to start referring to him as Stephen/Steven) have become too boring as a couple. Jessica is, as usual, quite correct. Stephen/Steven! Cara! Spice it up a little! Maybe go to the swingers club with Winston and Lila?
Jessica decides to break up the couple, mostly by insinuating to one that the other is bored/having sex with nubile co-eds. It mostly works but then it doesn’t, and we all have a hearty laugh, the end.
Improbable High School Moment: People are seriously just allowed to drop out of school? And their parents don’t have to give permission? I mean, duh, I know that happens, but if I had dropped out of high school, I also would have been dropped from my house, and my parents certainly wouldn’t let me stay in their house, rent-free, and also not lectured me five times daily about how I Was Never Going To Amount To Anything and also I Am Not Living Up To My Full Potential. Johanna’s parents suck. I’m glad one of them is dead.
Most Offensive Portion: Ugh, Peter DeHaven’s gross, chauvinistic, douchebaggish dismissal of Johanna’s ideas about his science project. Peter DeHaven, YOU ARE THE WORST. I wouldn’t vote for your science project even if the science fair were this one, my most favorite Science Fair of all time. My uncle is named Steve! God Made Kitty! Thermodynamics of Hellfire! (I’m pretty sure that link is a joke BUT I WANT IT TO BE REAL. And feature the Duggars.)
Sweet Valley High 37: Rumors
in which SVH turns into a VC Andrews book
Number Of Drinks Taken: 18
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 3
Main Plot: Susan Stewart, a character that no one has ever mentioned before, but we’re supposed to all of a sudden care about, lives with her guardian, Aunt Helen, but does not know who her parents are. All she knows is that her mother randomly sends money for her, and that people at the country club accept her, even though she does not particularly come from money. She’s basically like Harriet Smith, to be honest, and is the natural daughter of no one knows whom. I hope she doesn’t turn down Robert Martin’s proposal. He’s very genteel, for a farmer.
Anyway, Lila, of course, can’t have anyone encroaching on her Rich Girl turf, so she starts a rumor that Susan’s mother is in a home for the criminally insane. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Lila is my favorite.
Strangely, no one wants to talk to Susan now that her mom kills people with insanity, and her stupid posh boyfriend – whose parents are racist, classist assholes – dumps her. Have you ever noticed that both the rich people and the poor people suck in Sweet Valley? Only people who are upper-middle-class don’t actively suck. Hmph. As a poor person who hopes to someday become fabulously wealthy, this hurts my feelings.
Meanwhile, some famous movie director has come to Sweet Valley in order to cast his new movie, or whatever, and of course it turns out that he is Susan’s father, and Aunt Helen is Susan’s mother, and Director Dad wants to come take Susan away because his other kid is dead now and he’s looking for a replacement. Or whatever! Point being, Susan has parents and the rich people like her again, but she has Learned Her Lesson and starts dating some upper-middle-class dude named Allan (thanks, of course, to Elizabeth).
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica grows convinced that her mom is knocked up with a fourth Wakefield child. I KNOW. It’s a horrifying prospect. Alice Wakefield is tired, and goes to the doctor because she keeps getting sick in the mornings, and has sudden cravings for pistachio ice cream. Jessica enlists Elizabeth’s help in deducing whether there is a fetus hatching in Alice’s womb, and then they try to hint to their mom that they think a baby would be nice – leading Alice and Ned to somewhat hilariously ask them whether they were “in trouble” – and then it turns out, of course, that Alice isn’t preggers. So everyone complains that Jessica has jumped to her Conclusions mat, but HELLO, THOSE ARE VERY VALID PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS. And also, the symptoms are never explained, so WHY does Alice feel tired and dizzy and sick in the mornings and desirous of pistachio ice cream, huh? WHY?
Improbable High School Moment: Aunt Helen, Susan’s guardian/mom, explains that the reason she kept up the “guardian” lie for SIXTEEN YEARS was because she didn’t want Susan to be judged by the other kids in town for having a single mother. I was going to write that no one fucking cares whether their friends have one parent, two parents or 18 parents, but then I remembered that this was Sweet Valley and that OF COURSE they would care. So I’m changing this title to Probable High School Moment.
Most Offensive Portion: Um, hello, Susan’s Director Dad! You’ve known about your child’s existance for sixteen years, but you only decide to come meet her after your other kid dies? What, you feel like you should be keeping a quota, or something? Or is this just what you do, cycle your kids out? After Susan dies to Teach Us All A Lesson, will you start talking to one of your other illegitimate children? I HATE YOU, DIRECTOR DAD.
Sweet Valley High 38: Leaving Home
in which Elizabeth wants to go to Swiss boarding school and for some reason people are sad about that
Number Of Drinks Taken: 30
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2
Main Plot: Oh, Jesus. Elizabeth gets it into her head that she wants to go to some Swiss boarding school so that she can learn to be a writer, or whatever. She particularly wants to go to Switzerland so that she can be more like her fictional hero, Dick Diver. Can I just say, as a person who has read Tender is the Night many, many times? QUELLE PUTAIN DE SURPRISE. Dick Diver is the douchiest, most sanctimonious asshole to ever grace the page, and delights in “assisting” those members of his friends and family who are mired in their own personal hellholes – hellholes typically caused or abetted by Dick Fucking Diver himself. I can totally see Elizabeth marrying a victim of repeated sexual molestation simply for the joy of “fixing” them. I have never said this before, and I’ll surely never say it again, but: Ghostwriter of Sweet Valley High 38, I applaud you and your narrative choices!
Liz is super-psyched to go to Switzerland, but of course everyone else is panicked at the very thought of not having Elizabeth around to meddle in their affairs and tell them how to behave! How will they ever keep her in Sweet Valley? Luckily for Jess and Stephen/Steven, Elizabeth must pass a series of interviews in order to gain the scholarship to the Swiss school, so that provides Jessica plenty of opportunities to ruin Liz’s chances. Although, why she would want to, I have no idea at all. Particularly since Elizabeth stresses to her ENTIRE FAMILY that they aren’t nearly good enough on their own to impress the scholarship board and that they’ll ruin everything if they act like themselves. God, Elizabeth, I HATE YOU.
Oh yeah, and meanwhile, Elizabeth grows convinced that J French is sticking it into Enid’s girly hole, because they’re spending a lot of time together. But really they’re making a scrapbook of memories for Liz to take to Switzerland.
Stephen/Steven actually sums up this entire book series with just one quote, on page 124:
Elizabeth is all that matters.
You’re right, Stephen/Steven. You’re right.
Anyway, Liz gets the scholarship but then realizes that Sweet Valley is way more magical than Switzerland, and dramatically announces her intention to stay and meddle in the affairs of all Sweet Valley citizens, from now until forever. This announcement is actually greeted with a slow clap. Only in Sweet Valley/every cheesy movie ever made, folks. Magical!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Winston wins the lottery. Not a particularly good lottery – not mega-millions or anything – just 25,000 dollars. Which, hey, if someone wanted to give me 25000 dollars for doing nothing, I wouldn’t say no. But I don’t really consider it winning the lottery unless the winnings are enough to purchase a private jet.
It turns out, though, that Winston accidentally got his ticket switched with an old, poor man. Winston dickers back and forth in his head about whether to tell the old dude, but finally he does because this is Sweet Valley and people are really honest in a disgusting sort of way. I suppose we’re all to find this incredibly endearing, but I only find it to be incredibly dumb. Winston, if you’re too good to take the 25K, you can give it to me. That actually goes for anyone reading this.
Improbable High School Moment: First of all, what minor child is allowed to play the lottery? And then what 16 year old boy decides to give his lotto winnings to some old man? Winston, I love you, but you suck.
Most Offensive Portion: Forever and always, Miss Elizabeth Wakefield. Telling your family that they need to behave differently to impress the scholarship person? Go set yourself on fire, you shitheel.
Oh! Also, at one point, Lila eats sushi for lunch on Monday. This offends my love of sushi. Lila! NEVER EVER EAT SUSHI ON MONDAY. Not unless you can personally attest that the fish was caught that morning. Cause, otherwise, you’re eating Saturday’s fish, since the fish market is closed on Sunday. TWO DAY OLD RAW FISH. Girl, please.
Sweet Valley High 39: Secret Admirer
in which Penny Ayala, Editor of the Oracle, gets herself a man
Number Of Drinks Taken: 34
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 5
Main Plot: Lynne Henry, who you may remember from, like, ten books ago, gets an idea that The Oracle should start running personal ads, for all those sad little losers who don’t have dates to the prom. She and Liz encourage Penny, the Editor of the Oracle, to post an ad as well. Penny is very pretty but shy and doesn’t know how to dress well, so no boys like her. She places an ad and then new boy Kirk Anderson, Neil Freemont and a bunch of other boys respond to her. They do it as a joke, only Neil Freemont totally falls in love with his Dream Girl from her personal ad, even though he doesn’t know who she is. Gosh, this sounds so familiar . . . oh, yeah! IT IS EXACTLY THE PLOT OF LYNNE HENRY’S BOOK, ALONE IN THE CROWD.
Anyway, once Kirk and Neil find out that Penny is the author of the ad, Kirk totally makes fun of her. But of course by now Neil has a love boner for Penny, and they hook up. Elizabeth overhears Kirk making fun of Penny and decides to get back at him in a stupid plot that isn’t even worth using my fingers to type out, and I guess all’s well that ends well for everyone but lame old Kirk. And, presumably, now that Penny is gettings some hot Sweet Valley High Teenage Boy Sex Action, she isn’t such a lame, stuck-up, serious student all the time. All it takes is a boy! A boy will solve everything!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Aw, man, it kinda is, I have to say. I know; I know! This keeps happening! Someone in the Cabal is clearly paying attention to how books are supposed to be written. This will not do at all.
Anyway, Jessica and Lila are bored with high school boys (well, you see how picky they are about their shoes, and they only go on their feet), so they decide to place personal ads in the . . . high school newspaper? Well, apparently, Stephen/Steven has a subscription to The Oracle and has it delivered to his dorm. Of course he fucking does.
Jess gets contacted by a few people. First she goes out on a date with a Fat Guy, and gets out of the date in like five minutes, because clearly Fat People can not be loved. Man, she even ditches out before dinner. Jessica! At least use him for a free meal!
Then she meets John, who is swoony, and a sociology major, and seems really, really interested in Jessica. Jessica and Lila agree to have a showdown with their dates at the Beach Disco so they can see who raked in a better catch, but, ha ha, in a shocking turn of events that no one could have predicted unless they are a sentient being, both girls have been “dating” John, who of course hasn’t been dating either girl, and only taking them out in order to complete his sociology project. Whatever, whatever, GET TO REGINA DYING ALREADY.
Improbable High School Moment: Personal ads? In the school newspaper? The adminstration really would allow that? I mean, I guess they’re not Craigslist-style ads, BUT STILL.
Most Offensive Portion: That I even had to suffer through this book knowing that laying just beyond it was the book in which Regina dies. STOP TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM REGINA’S DEATH!
Sweet Valley High 40: On The Edge
in which Regina Morrow tries cocaine JUST ONCE and then DIES.
Number Of Drinks Taken: 16. This is SRS BZNZ.
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 9
Main Plot: You guys!! You guys!! IT IS FINALLY HERE!!! The book that irrevocably shaped my childhood, the book that made me Just Say No to any type of snorting drugs (well, that, and the picture they showed us in DARE of a blown-out septum. ew.), the book that made me paranoid that I might have a secret heart murmur that could kill me AT ANY TIME if I so much as looked at any drug harder than NyQuil. REGINA MORROW IS FINALLY GONNA DIE!!
I’m getting ahead of myself! So, Amy Sutton is hot on the tail of Bruce Patman, and would like to speak huskily to him while putting her hand on his engorged member. The two are paired up on a health project about THE DANGER OF DRUGS IN SWEET VALLEY and they find out all sorts of things about the drug subculture of SVH, like which students may be smoking the hash pipe (Enid Rollins, they’re on to you!). Amy and Bruce speak in husky tones to each other, and totally sneak off to make out BEHIND A TREE at a barbeque that the Wakefields are hosting. Regina sees this, of course, and storms off, angry not only at Bruce and Amy, but also at Elizabeth for not telling her about it beforehand.
Everyone’s real sad that they made the deaf girl cry, but Regina finds a new friend in Justin, who is From The Wrong Side Of The Tracks, and Knows What Real Pain Is. Justin is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Molly Hecht, who is delving deeper and deeper into the world of drugs. She may start injecting heroin between her toes soon! Molly Hecht! Heroin is no good for you! Stick to opium; that’s what all the famous authors liked.
So anyway, there’s all this buzz in the air, because Molly’s hosting a party in which THERE WILL BE DRUGS. She’s gonna drink your milkshake! Drink it up! And Molly’s invited the town drug dealer, named Buzz, to come and deal the drugs at the party.
Bruce and Liz get wind of the party and try to talk Regina out of going to it, but of course they do so in the most douchetastic, patronizing way possible, so Regina doesn’t listen to them. Then, right before going to the party at Molly’s, she sits down to write a mysterious letter! Ooh! It’s like she knows!
Anyway, then the party is happening and Molly’s friend Jan, who is The Biggest Drug User In School, is there and being really mean to Regina, who she thinks is stealing Justin from Molly. Or maybe she’s just being mean because she’s a bitch. Or maybe she’s being mean because she is on DRUGS and they have ALTERED HER PERSONALITY FOREVER, as my DARE officer would have said.
Finally, Buzz the drug-dealer shows up to the party. Buzz is the world’s lamest drug dealer and he does things like pull out a ziplock bag of coke and say, “would you take a look at this?” Buzz, it’s cocaine, not a catfish you caught at the lake. A little decorum, if you please.
Regina, having never experienced cocaine before even though her mom was a model and her parents are rich and she went to school with rich kids all her life, is all “why are you carrying around powdered sugar?” Everyone makes fun of her ignorance, which leads her to deciding to sample the cocaine. She snorts two lines, and then has a heart attack and dies. Oh, but she makes sure to ask for fucking ELIZABETH before she dies, because apparently it’s a rule that anyone must inquire after Elizabeth before dying. I’ll tell you what – when I’m on my deathbed, which may be today, for all I know, I’m sure as fuck not going to ask for Elizabeth Wakefield. I’m going to ask for a coca-cola classic, cheese fondue, and an orgasm.
Anyhoo, let’s move on. After Regina Morrow tragically dies from doing cocaine JUST ONCE, Elizabeth receives a letter in the mail. It was from Regina, in which she forgave Liz and said she hoped they could be friends forever. Awww. Too late! Cocaine kills!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: There is no sub-plot! This is all of the plot! COCAINE WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR FACE! Don’t do it! You could have a heart murmur that no one ever diagnosed before, even though you were born with a handicap and were presumably in and out of doctors’ offices for most of your young life!! And do you really want your last few moments to be spent on Molly Hecht’s gross couch, asking to talk to Elizabeth Wakefield? NO. So stay away from drugs, kids, or you too will TOTALLY DIE.
Improbable High School Moment: Dude. Molly Hecht’s party starts at 7 pm. SEVEN. IN THE EVENING. Who the hell goes to any party that starts at 7 pm, much less a party in which there will be free-flowing drug use?
ALSO, you probably WON’T die from doing cocaine JUST ONCE. Probably.
Most Offensive Portion: The fact that, now that Regina’s dead, I have nothing more to look forward to. Well, except for the book in which Jessica and Winston get stranded on a deserted island for several weeks. But that book is like sixty books away!!! What will I look forward to in the meantime? This is just like the day after Christmas. Regina Morrow’s Death is totally the Boxing Day of books.
I suppose I shall struggle through, though, so tune in next month so that we can all silently sit in judgement of Molly Hecht together, okay?
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Oh Erin, SVH day makes my heart soar!!! I loved everything you had to say about Peter DeHaven, but I snorted out loud in my cubicle at this “Peter DeHaven is revealed to be a douchecanoe of the first fleet”.
You are hilarious, thanks!
Peter DeHaven SUCKS. I hate him so much!! Like flames! On the side of my face!
LOL the Boxing Day of books.
Hooray! What a great way to make a long weekend just a little bit better!
Ok, is it just me or does Dick Diver sound like the name of a 70′s porn star?
Also, how “hip” does Penny look on the cover of Secret Admirer? GAG!!!
Dick Diver DOES sound like the name of a 70s porn star. Instead he was a 40s louche comprised of Fitzgerald’s own guilt about his wife.
I read SVH on and off but I OWNED “On the edge” and remember bawling my eyes out* and thinking “damn straight you should feel GUILTY Bruce Patman, you cheating douche” i.e. for indirectly killing one of the nicest characters. I still hate Bruce Patman to this day.
Excellent/Hilarious writeup Erin!
*I was 12, but that shouldn’t be an excuse.
What I love (read:hate) is how Regina FORGIVES him. “oh, well, if we hadn’t been falling apart, he wouldn’t have cheated on me.” Maybe so, Regina, but he still MADE OUT WITH AMY SUTTON BEHIND A TREE WHILE YOU SAT TEN FEET AWAY. I mean, come on! Why do NO female characters in this series have any sense of their own self-worth??
Um.. is it just me, or does Regina Morrow look an awful lot like a young Cobie Smulders?
Seriously.
It’s kind of uncanny.
I could go on.
WHOAH WHAT!
i really hope someone’s informed cobie of this phenomenon so she can STAY AWAY FROM THE BLOW.
Who is Cobie Smulders? Her name sounds like she should be making jam.
Oh, Erin. HIMYM? With Willow Rosenberg and Doogie Howser?
Awesome review. I literally squealed with excitment when I saw your post, good job.
Losers who take out personal ads in the school paper to land a prom date:
1992. The Bulldog Bugle announces that if you don’t have a date to the dance, fill out the attached questionnaire and they’ll match you up with someone. Knowing that this might be my one chance, I fill out the form, baring my soul for all to see.
The next issue, the editors snippily reply that no one took their matchmaking services seriously, they only received joke submissions. They proceeded to publish the funniest of the ‘silly’ responses.
It was the first time I’d gotten anything published.
Do you by chance still have that paper? I think that we need to read your response! But hilarity aside, OMG I feel so bad for your high school self. That is so cruel of the editors!
Brian,please accept this comment in the spirit in which it is intended: I adore you.
BRIAN. YOU. AMAZE. ME.
p.s. um how awesome would it be if we started an FYA personals section? but instead of romance, it would be for people seeking book convo partners. i guess that’s already happening in the caf but I WANNA KNOW WHO LIKES LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH.
THAT WOULD BE SO GOOD. I want a YA book life/internet partner!
is this megan (no h)? if so I HEARD YOU JUST GOT YRSELF A (REAL) LIFE PARTNER! CONGRATS!!!!!!
Megan (no h), we are exceedingly invested in your life.
YES.
We should also exchange mixtapes and regional goodies via the postal service. i.e. BISHES BETTER SEND ME SOME WINE GUMS.
The last time I answered a personal ad (1998), she said the warden confiscated the postage stamps I sent her (they’re contraband).
I may have to start reading this series. I don’t want to, but I think I have to.
Lindsay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I have to admit, I totally snorted when I read this:
“There is no sub-plot! This is all of the plot! COCAINE WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR FACE! Don’t do it!”
Er, I snorted with LAUGHTER. Not COCAINE. Which KILLS.
I’m just glad I wasn’t the only preteener scarred for life by this book. LOL.
THIS IS REGINA MORROW. THIS IS REGINA MORROW ON COCAINE. DEAD!
What can I say about these SVH posts? I mean, how does a mortal-nonErin person form witty remarks when their underused abs still ache from laughing so viciously that I’m pretty damn sure I can skip Zumba tomorrow?
(Non)Words like awesomesauce, OMFG!Epic, pwnage, and squee don’t even BEGIN to express my all consuming joy at these SVH reviews.
Why thank you, Cindy!
Oh, I’ve been waiting for this one too. 2 stories about On The Edge – first, when I read it I didn’t know what cocaine was, and asked my mother. She wouldn’t let me read SVH books for 2 months.
And in college I was in a bathroom at a club where there was some pathetically stereotypical cocaine snorting. A girl asked if I wanted some and I (extremely drunk) told her I wold be no Regina Morrow and stomped away. It would have been a great moment except I fell down and cracked a tooth. Sadly, no one offered cocaine for the pain.
Best. Story. Ever. I think I might have paid to see the other girl’s facial expression.
“I ain’t Regina, bish!!” I’ll remember that for when I next get offered cocaine – thank you, Jen, for giving me the courage to say no!! (And to Regina, of course, the martyr!)
HA HA HA THAT STORY IS AMAZING.
Ah, Regina’s death from TRYIING COCAINE JUST ONCE. Good times.
I read this.
You are my favorite doctor’s wife!
It’s great that in SVH, they get drug dealers to come to their parties just to deal drugs all about. That’s the equivalent of hiring a clown to hand out balloon animals, or a children’s magician! This is AWESOME and should happen more in real life. Bless those rich crack-whores.
And thank you for setting the record straight: cocaine will PROBABLY not kill me and I am allowed to try it. Well, if you say so…
And that science fair personally offended me – until you told us it was a joke, and then I could go “oh, lol” and giggle along with the rest, but if that “women are meant to be home-makers” kid thinks he’s gotten away with that… well, he wont be sleeping soundly tonight. That fact that he intoned that women not getting paid as much was OUR fault! BASTARD.
(That before sounded like I’m implying I want to bone him. More like terrorise his existence, but whatever.)
I don’t care what SVH says – Johanna dropped out of school because she was being forced to participate in the Hunger Games! It wasn’t her fault! And then she got back from slayerising everyone and her douchey parents forgot. Bloody parents. I’m team Johanna.
Oh, don’t be offended by that science fair. Those kids don’t know any better. Quite literally, they don’t know any better.
Ha ha, I love the idea of a drug dealer who also does balloon animals. Well, you have to do something with the condoms that you’ve stuffed with heroin and shoved up your butt.
It’s so resourceful!!
Oh yay! I have been waiting FOREVER for this installment. Regina Morrow is the reason I never tried cocaine!
In other news, #37 was the first SVH I ever read. It’s a miracle I decided to keep reading!
It really is! You show remarkable stick-with-it-ness!
I was so excited to see a new SVH post!!! Made my holiday weekend!
Oh SVH you attract me with your oh so 80′s covers.
Know what’s even worse than personal ads in high school? The fact that the same plot was done in a Baby-Sitter’s Club book. And they’re in MIDDLE SCHOOL.
‘Course, I was young enough when I read it to think that this was totally realistic. Cuz, you know, I read them a long time ago. Not recently. Cuz, like, who does that? heh heh…
You’ve become one of my favorite blogs and this post almost made me pee my pants. Awesome sauce
Hooray for another of Erin’s fantastic SVH posts!!! It made me smile and laugh (like always) on an otherwise crappy weekend. Many thanks to you and your liver for providing us all with belly laughs.
I want to hug you for using a quotation from Clueless! Squeeeee!!! That particular one is my dating motto. Cher Horowitz = genius.
How exciting that you finally got to the Regina death book! Yes, that’s how I referred to it as a youngster. The thought of anything going up my nose horrified me as a child, so the fact that Regina tried cocaine once and then died pretty much sealed the deal for me. These books are the proof that in ’80s YA lit, subtlety was dead. As was feminism. Peter “King of the Asshats” DeHaven is scum. Ugh…
“Strangely, no one wants to talk to Susan now that her mom kills people with insanity…”
I TOTES snorted out loud at that line. And I’m in a moderately crowded Panera, borrowing internet. Ah, fuck it. Let them stare
I love these review so much. So many LOLs… and I never read the SVH books as a YA!
the regina morrow story is the one that makes me wish i’d read these books. i feel so uncool to not have a regina morrow cocaine story! oh well, at least i caught the “clueless” reference.
Oh man, finally playing catch up. There are so many things wrong with these books, it’s amazing.
HOORAY SVH IS HERE! A delightful post in which I seem to clearly remember every single book! This must have been the section that I read the most often. Especially because DUH SOB REGINA ZOMG!
I’ve seriously never done cocaine for this reason. Who KNOWS if I have a secret heart murmur? I could!
Fave part: Buzz, it’s cocaine, not a catfish you caught at the lake. A little decorum, if you please.
Also I like your death bed requests. And god, I love these covers.
I heart you. I heart this series.
That is all….. except for the fact that I’ll be giggling to my self all day tomorrow thinking about your deathbed requests and trying to find a time to use the term, “doucecanoe”.
Thanks for that one….
Oooopppsss… I meant “douchecanoe”.
god dammit i go on holiday for a few measly weeks and i miss references to ‘Tender is the Night’, douchecanoes and regina FINALLY dying. pah hahahaha. never holiday-ing again. or going somewhere with internet access… how much better would the rest of SVH been if elizabeth HAD moved to switzerland? so awesome, is the answer. everyone would have had so much more fun. i can dream… x
This is why you shouldn’t go on vacation!
Am I the only one who thought “Emma” and not “Clueless”?
OMFG!!!! I totally remember Tofu-Glo!!!!
I read these books through most of my formative years, and after reading your recaps, I am mildly surprised that I (and well, all of us SVHers) did not grow up to be a racist/rapist/sacrimonious douchebag/serial killer/werewolf. I mean, GEEZ. FP, c’mon!
That being said, I can’t WAIT for the movie. They’re making a movie, right? Also, I read all of your reviews at work today. BEST. DAY. EVER. Well, at least at this job. Erin, you are totes fab.
I feel like FP has created a Sleeper Army, and someday around middle-age, we’re all going to snap and start taking people out left and right. All that will be left are little Aryan princesses Linx and Lamb, so that they can continue to sing their stupid racism songs off-key. The Pascalian Plague, the historians will call it, shortly before succumbing to hemophilia at age 14 due to the lack of variation in the gene pool.
Erin, I love that we are cut from the same cloth: I’m going to ask for a coca-cola classic, cheese fondue, and an orgasm.
What more could a girl want on her deathbed? Certainly NOT Elizabeth Wakefield!
Right?? I’m going to rewrite my will!
Love the site! This totally makes me want to go back and re-read every SVH book.
On a random note, have you guys read SVH “Senior Year” series in which Francine rewrites the history of all the characters for that one year of high school? Elizabeth is actually cool, Jessica is a pariah of society, the world is CRAZY!! Get on it if you haven’t read them, it’s YA crack.
So I just found this amazingness… wow! I’m actually not of the SVH generation, but one time, some random gave me a box full of books and there were like five SVSomething or other hidden among an ungodly number of BSC books, so Mommy let me read them, thinking Dawn and Stacey were just looking mysteriously similar for a couple covers. All I remember is that in one book *SPOILER* there was a crazy hobag who joined the unicorns (or tried to) and tried to frame Jessica for stealing an awesome purple brooch. Throughout the book, I wondered two things: A) Who wears an antique brooch to SCHOOL with a denim jacket!? B) Why would Elizabeth NOT want to join the ranks of the pretties most popular girls in the school? She’s such a weirdo. You don’t even have to like them! You join for the bragging rights, durr.
Actually, no, I remember they all went to Hawaii for making a really horrid peach dessert thing and Lila was pissed over various things she was TOTALLY justified in being pissed over. And the descriptions! I think the most annoying part of their description for me was the matching tiny dimple on the left cheek. I was like “okay I get it they’re gorge shut uuuuuup already insecurity issues zomg Imma switch to reading BSC ’cause those girls have diversity and how many freaking pretty people are there in this stupid town and why is everyone crazy and mean and this is killing my brain!”
BSC, on the other hand, always made me feel bad that I wasn’t a successful entrepaneur at age 12. You know? Way to make the rest of us feel lazy, kristy!
I took solace in the fact that Kristy would develop a nervous tic eventually.
I’m absolutely dying for the next round of SVH reviews!
Wait no further!
Well, actually, wait till Friday! But then, it’s on!
I’ve only been reading the site for a few weeks now (you guys are *wonderful*) and so I *just* discovered these SVH recaps, and read all of them in a row. Yay, insomnia! But that’s okay, because my life is so much better with these recaps in it, for reals. I know it doesn’t happen for like 50 books, but I can’t wait until that glorious deadly prom and the evil twin madness that ensued. I remember it being heavily hyped in Seventeen magazine. Serious business.
And please, PLEASE tell me you’re going to do the Sweet Valley Sagas at some point! They were my absolute favorites. Jessamyn and Elisabeth and DEATH BY HORSE (non-heroin variety), love in the French Resistance, and the Wakefields being hippies while Bruce’s dad was totally a part of The System!
And while I’m thinking about it, does anyone else remember the plots of the SVT Super Specials being batshit insane? The one with the amusement park (which I was *obsessed* with as a kid for some reason), and there was one where Jessica was living A Christmas Carol or something? Good times.
This is hysterical. And so true!
Regina Morrow had the very same affect on me. I credit that book to why I wouldn’t try drugs too!
When I was a kid and read these I felt like I wasn’t being “loyal” to the twins when Elizabeth would annoy me, but now that I’m an adult I admit it – Elizabeth was annoying!
A) Thank you for getting me through a seriously boring work week with these, which i’ve just discovered.
B) I was reading the synopsis to Secret Admirer, and i suddenly had flashbacks to eighth grade (!) and remembered that my school actually did a SCHOOL SPONSORED LOVE MATCH TEST during SCHOOL HOURS for Valentine’s Day. They had us each fill out this form about ourselves during history class, then fed them all through a computer, and we could pay three bucks and the computer would tell us our three top matches. DURING SCHOOL! What shenanigans! Did i actually attend Sweet Valley and no one told me??
Please please PLEASE tell me you’re going to do drinking game reviews for the BSC books next! Pleeeeease?
Regina Morrow totally saved my life you guys! This book scared me off drugs when I read it at age 12. Fast forward to me, age 28, having a routine check up and the doc discovered a….heart murmur!! The first thing he said to me was, “Don’t try cocaine. It will kill you.” LOL!
LOL! It seems I am not the only one who was saved from cocaine by Regina Morrow! I was born with a heart murmur and this book scared the crap out of me!