it has recently come to our attention that the hunger games are no longer limited to the unfortunate tributes of panem. that’s right, my friends, YOU TOO CAN BE BLUDGEONED TO DEATH BY A 10-YEAR-OLD IN THE ARENA!
i have to admit, i’ve actually considered buying the HG board game, but only for cocktail-swilling, slumber party purposes. and according to my hipster friends, mass market consumption isn’t selling out as long as you do it with a sense of sarcastic irony. hooray!
plus, isn’t an influx of merch tie-ins a sign that hunger games has truly MADE IT? after all, twilight’s worldwide domination was pretty much clinched when edward took over that chalky icon of american candies, sweethearts.
i may or may not happen to have a box of these staring at me right now from my bookshelf. but it’s ok, because IT’S IRONIC! and also, i love candy.
so this new board game got me thinking: now that scholastic has begun merchandising hunger games in order to sell out attract more readers, what other exciting products can we expect? grab yr panem express cards and join me in a journey through the Hunger Games Skymall Catalog!
The Katniss Bow & Arrow Set
why undergo years of hunting practice when you’re guaranteed to hit something the instant you buy this totally lethal weapon? set includes president snow target but does NOT include any common sense. then again, katniss seems to do ok without it!
Peeta’s Bag O’ Berries
not only is this gummy candy delicious, every bag also contains a surprise poison berry, making it the perfect snack to share with yr frenemy!
“Hug Me To Death” Mutant Monkey
boy, those arena monkeys sure know how to hold on tight! whether you’re fighting for survival or snuggling up in bed, this plush cuddle partner will never leave yr side.
Flames of Rebellion Formal Wear (from the Cinna Couture Collection)
cinna’s designs are perfect for any occasion, from cocktail parties to fomenting a national revolution, because regardless of where you are, there will be no doubt that you’re wearing the hottest dress in town!
The Jabberjay
capable of storing up to five minutes of audio, this hi-tech little birdie can drill into the deepest fears and insecurities of your friends, resulting in hours of psychotic enjoyment!
The Tribute Tree Bed
you too can sleep in a tree and avoid brutal death at the hands of the careers, just like katniss! although this may look like an ordinary hammock, we’ve inserted a tiny Mockingjay (TM) logo on the upper right hand corner, instantly transforming this regular piece of camping equipment into an Official Hunger Games Survival Tool (TM). available in dark green, dark brown, dark moss or camouflage. collect all four!
The Seam Healer Kit
who doesn’t love playing doctor? modeled after the tools used by mrs everdeen, this kit comes with a variety of random herbs with crazyass names. sure, it’s pretty much impossible to cure the black lung with a few leaves, but it sure is fun to try!
Haymitch Premium Whiskey
tested for over 40 years by haymitch himself, this golden liquor is powerful enough to block out any memories of murder and/or gouged eyes while going down smooth and easy. it’s just like our slogan says: with haymitch, every day is a party!
Katniss’ Engagement Ring
JUST KIDDING. esp. cos this monstrosity wouldn’t earn peeta a “yes” so much as a slap upside the head.
so, did i miss any incredibly awesome ways of saturating the market with shiteous hunger games merch? LET THE SHOPPING SPREE CONTINUE IN THE COMMENTS!
Related posts:
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
pretty sure there’s a market for Rue style floral arrangements for the important funeral in your life…
Some product that is Finnick-related, because I have a little crush on the guy.
Perhaps a trident?
body by finnick suntan* oil for that bronze god look guaranteed to drive the ladies wild.
*also available as a sunless tanning spray for those lucky few with a life expectancy long enough to make skin cancer a concern.
I love it!
MEGHAN YOU JUST MADE ME SNORT WITH LAUGHTER.
posh, then my work here is through.
holly, YES. that’s exactly what the bottle should look like!
I’d buy that! And I don’t even tan! (The bottle could be like the Coppertone one with the little girl and the dog, but instead it could be Finnick in that lovely see-through golden net thing he wore at the triute-parade. And maybe a mockingjay pulling it down…or lifting it up…)
Hahaha.
BRILLIANT!
YES! You should pretty much go into marketing, Holly
Hey, that little girl is Jodie Foster!
POSHDELUXE I LOVE YOU.
First of all, MAD photoshopping skills! And I require a President Snow target for my bow and arrows immediately.
Second, that ring looks like someone took a shower nozzle down from the wall and attached a ring to the back of it.
P.S. WE NEED A TRADEMARK FOR THESE AMAZING ITEMS!
erin, i know, we need to copyright this shizz immediately. esp. before the xmas shopping season begins.
SCHOLASTIC KEEP YR HANDS OFF.
Me & my friend agree that there needs to be a button that says “Add to Amazon Wishlist” next to every item on this page. Ahem.
OMG that ring is the BEST ONE.
The ring made me laugh *so much*, and I had to show it to my sisters, who both laughed, even though they haven’t read HG. Truly a golden moment…
you don’t need to have read HG to know that THAT RING IS NEVER APPROPRIATE.
Posh, you are a freaking genius! But I have another idea to add! Tribute Bands!!!! I’m starting one now called ‘Peeta and the Biscuits’.
Today’s body count is brought to you by District 6 brand morphling: When the white liquor just doesn’t provide the oblivion you crave.
And by the Hob! New, non-smoking location. Tell ‘em Greasy Sae sent ya.
And by Cinna’s Fine Fashions and Beauty Salon (closed until further notice, death in family)
And by Avox R Us: Because tongueless slaves are not the most barbaric Capitol tradition.
And by Capitol vomit-wine: Because Rome didn’t fall in a day.
BRIAN, STOP WITH THE CINNA DEATH RUMORS.
but please, continue with yr hilarity.
CINNA! WHY??
Posh, I’m sure you’re trying to point out the ridiculousness of all these items, but instead I WANT EVERYTHING! I agree something Finnick related would be nice. How about a giant rolling stones cover poster?
Ugh. That RING. The fact that S.Meyer helped design that monstrosity is further proof that she is, in fact, an idiot.
No Mellark Brand bake-and-eat pastries? Or at least Peeta’s Cake-Painting Kit – Special Camouflage Edition?
annie, i totally thought about a peeta paint by numbers kit but ran out of time. we’ll have to include it in our second edition of this catalog (you know, for when the movie comes out and more products can be rammed down the public’s throat).
*giggles* I seriously enjoy a good catalog, and this is one of the best. Suddenly I feel like shopping for camping equipment… and whiskey.
LOL…I’ll take one mutant hugging monkey, ya never know when they will come in handy!
LOLZ to the terrible, terrible ring!
HOW PUMPED ARE YOU GUYS FOR MOCKINGJAY?! I think I will prepare with my new bow and arrows set… President Snow, I’m comin’ for ya!
OMG, I so totally want Peeta’s berries (heehee), the Cinna collection (um…duh), the tree bed (cuz, ya know, I love trees) and obvs, the whiskey. Long live Hunger Games merch!
Also, during one of my trips to Forks (again, on the way to camping expeditions – it is the gateway to beautifulness), I totally bought those sweet-tarts for everyone I know, thinking that they were ONLY sold in Forks. If ONLY.
I would add Trapper Keepers with Gale or Peeta’s faces on them, broody purple and gray background for Gale and warm honey tones for Peeta. This could also work for t-shirts, or sleeping bags.
or… LUNCHBOXES!
yes yes yes!!! i NEED a hg lunchbox NOW (with matching thermos, of course).
THERE ARE MOCKINGJAY WATERBOTTLES. Or, at least, there are a few. That Scholastic is giving away.
At first I was like “EH waterbottle” until I realized I NEEDED ONE TO SURVIVE IN THE GAMES. AND THEN I WAAANTED IT.
That potato-masher ring.
What a perfect symbol for the awfulness that is Twilight.
I would totally buy these HG items. Especially the tree bed – that thing rocks!
As I was trying to get my hands through my TANGLED MESS OF CURLY HAIR this morning, I immediately thought of those high-tech shower controls and the instantaneous detangler option. I would like a sonic boom that knocks out tangles, please. Skymall has techie stuff too, right?
I have fine, straight hair and I still feel your pain. How can fine hair tangle as much as mine does?
Erin, I’m in the same boat! Even hair stylists comment on how ridiculously tangle-y my hair is!
Damn, girl, it’s just ’cause our hair is so fiiiiiinnnneeee
Clearly, Capitol-grade showers are needed all around. I also wouldn’t mind if they had a Nair-applying or leg-shaving function built in as well. Who do we ask to get on that?
Nah, for that you have to get the handlers to pluck and wax you while you stand naked on a pedestal.
Or, as we like to call it in the Erin household, Third Date Night.
do i smell like roses?
I want those arrows! And all of it, really! And my sister just came back from America, and brough me those Edward sweetheart sweets. In fact, I’m eating them right now: the one I just had read “sav me”. (Vom.)
The combination of photos and photo-shopping in this post make it hands-down my favorite internet entry of the day.
and considering all of the sites you read, that’s a huge compliment! thank you!
I have to agree on the seriously good photo shopping job. All of those products need to become real, asap. Also, if you’re going to have Cinna wear, you’ve gotta have a bridal collection. I mean, if Disney can have a bridal collection, why not Katniss?
Also, I used to seriously just DROLL over those LOTR and HP skymall pages. Good thing I was able to hold off or otherwise I’d be looking at Arwen’s necklace right now being like “shit, I wish I had my 90 dollars back.”
One of my friends bought me Edward/Bella chocolate bars as a joke. They were super barf tasting. It’s hard to go wrong with chocolate, it’s like they weren’t even trying. Also, each bar broke into three parts/flavors (I’m guessing one for each person in the love triangle? vom)
Some other potential HGs items (of varying degrees of seriousness):
Peeta Cupcake Stores (or get current cupcake stores to sell ‘Peeta Pastries’)
Peeta face painting kit
Peeta branded artificial limbs
President Snow “blood” flavored mints
Capitol brand silicone implants
Capitol brand pocket watches
HG Trail Mix
You can sure as hell bet that if I ever (god forbid) had to get an artificial limb, it would TOTALLY be Peeta branded.
There will be kids chopping off limbs up and down the country, just so they can be like Peeta! Ah, celebrity – what a healthy influence it ha over tomorrow’s youth!
blood flavored mints GROSS. but hey, you could do a lot of cross promotions with true blood.
That ring made me seriously LOL. My friends and I were so disgusted when Edward busted that out in Eclipse. Thing is hideous.
ummm….. cinna IS dead.
how about the night vision glasses?
or your very own supply of nightlock?
Hmm… I feel like getting one of those jabberjays. And recording my (horrible) singing on it…
genetically altered rose perfume with a hint of blood for those who wish to smell like president snow.
ok, we need some official hunger games official “silver parachutes”! theyll have different stuff in them, like food, medicine, or HELPFUL STUFF-such as candy!