here on FYA, we keep it real, which is why i’m not gonna lie to y’all about the fact that i was actually super duper stoked to see “eclipse.” was it for the incredibly compelling romance? no. the tremendously moving tension between bella’s need to be human and desire to be vampire? SHYEAH right. was it for the jorts? OF COURSE IT WAS FOR THE JORTS. and also for the abs. god bless those abs.
actually, i *did* enjoy the movie. i chalk most of that up to jenny’s lethal ingenious drinking game (um, that victoria crossing the water rule? caution: it will bring the hurt), but i also have to give some credit to david slade for actually making the film, as henri put it, “watchable” (and for henri, this is high praise… for a film about sparkly vampires).
being the serious journalist that i am, i took copious notes in order to provide you, the discerning public, with my highly scientific review. read on for an in-depth analysis of the acting, the script and, most importantly, the controversial move to replace jorts with cargo pants! WHAT THE WHAT!
in spite of needing to keep my attention focused on my beverages (oh and the movie), i managed to take a few notes on my phone to aid in this review. and in the spirit of full disclosure, i will now present them to you:
note
truck
jake entrance
monolgue
shirt laugh
Jasper cray eye
Charlie notch
fave punch
swagga party
training montage
snort
jasper’s douthness
I just wanna be married to you first
courted laugh
no cost
now that i’ve shared these with y’all, CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THESE NOTES MEAN?!!! ok, i remember most of them, but i surmise that the drinking game may have hindered my journalistic abilities. and also, the auto spell feature on my phone. DOUTHNESS? obvs i meant SOUTHNESS which of course isn’t a word but i was trying to type in shorthand! gah! i bet real reporters don’t have to deal with this shizz. also i bet real reporters don’t drink on the job. cos they are suckas!
just like i did with new moon, i’ve divided my review into two categories: Actually Awesome and Beer Snortworthy.
ACTUALLY AWESOME
elements of the film that i really did enjoy with v. little sarcasm
1. charlie
almost all of the intentionally funny scenes in the film were pulled off solely by billy burke as charlie swan, and that’s due to the fact that he’s the most realistic character in the entire movie. oh and also he can act. just like with anna kendrick in “new moon,” i see charlie as an ambassador for the audience in “eclipse,” and by that i mean, he gets say to all (ok, some) of the shizz i want to yell at the screen, but he gets to say it TO THE CHARACTERS. IN THE MOVIE. THAT IS AWESOME. he got some major fist pumps when he physically separated a v. angry jacob and edward and said, “let’s bring this down a notch.” of course, we all know what he really meant was: “let’s bring the scenery chewing down a notch, otherwise there will be no buildings left in forks.” also, his incredibly awkward attempt at a sex talk with bella was totally adorbs.
2. jacob’s hotness
in my previous review, i placed jacob’s hotness in the Beer Snortworthy column, but i’ve since seen the error of my ways. because when it comes to my enjoyment of that fine physique, there is nothing snarky or ironic about it. it’s just pure, unadulterated, totally pervy appreciation. “eclipse” takes the lead from “new moon” and clothes jacob in as few shirts as possible (my count: 1). and when he DOES have to cover up the gun & ab show, the film crew makes sure to give him a motorcycle to lean on/ride, just in case you were starting to doubt his werehotness.
from (shirtlessly) carrying bella to (shirtlessly) snuggling up to her in the sleeping bag, jacob is a one man panty melting machine, and even though he doesn’t get the girl (COS SHE IS CRAZYTOWN), he *does* get his due with the most fist-pumping statement in the film, nay, in cinematic history!
3. jorts!
it wouldn’t be a(n enjoyable) twilight movie without the jorts, and thankfully, the werewolves really came through for us again. i will definitely be adding our jorts rule to the eclipse drinking game, although we still have to pour one out because LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE, READERS. LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE:
no, look down… seriously, just, for a second, look down and you will notice KHAKI CARGO SHORTS, aka AN ABOMINATION OF THE WEREWOLF WARDROBE.
moviemakers, i’ll forgive you this time, because, well, jacob’s chest/abs/arms, but don’t even THINK of attempting this foolishness again.
4. best party entrance ever
when jacob & co show up at the cullen graduation soiree, the entire theater went “AWWWW SHIZZ!” and thus, my “swagga party” note was born.
5. seth clearwater
LOOK AT THIS CUTENESS!!! OMG!!!! seth clearwater i want to put you in my pocket, take you home and dress you in a suit and bowtie! then maybe we can have a little convo about why yr parents named you booboo stewart in real life. because i really need to know.
6. the training montage
in general, the action in this movie was pretty great (and definitely one of the main reasons it was actually watchable), and the icing on the ass kicking cake was the cullens’ demonstration of their vampire fighting skills for the werewolves. in other words, A TRAINING MONTAGE. note to “breaking dawn” filmmakers: you can never go wrong with a training montage. p.s. good luck. p.p.s. seriously, WHY are you making this movie? p.p.p.s. HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK?
honorable mention in this category goes to the rosalie’s flashback scene, which didn’t make the final cut because they stopped the flashback exactly when it was about to get good, aka dear rapists: BISH GONNA EFF YOU UP.
BEER SNORTWORTHY
moments where i snorted the beer i was drinking, which i consider to be a sign of pure entertainment
1. the wigs
riddle me this, hollywood. how can a film have the budget for incredibly realistic CGI wolves, yet not be able to afford remotely believable wigs? seriously, cullen family, the barbie salon head i had in the 80s has better hair than any of you. and that’s AFTER i tried to wash it. several times.
2. robert pattinson trying to act angry
let’s be honest. i pretty much snort beer *anytime* rpatz tries to act beyond his range (handsome and silent). but when the script demands an angry/frustrated/jealous edward, you can expect not just a snort, but full on beer spittage. hey, robert, keanu called, and he just wanted to say thanks for making him look like a real actor! also he wants to apologize for the last two matrix movies. p.s. nice wig, bella.
3. nothing says “i love you” like rewiring yr truck so you can’t see other people
i know, i know, i should be used to edward’s stalkery ways by now. but REALLY? this film should end with a 1-8oo hotline for people in abusive relationships. and i’m not even joking.
4. well, shoot, i reckon that jasper is a terrible southerner!
the main actor giving rpatz a run for his razzie money is jackson rathbone, who plays jasper. now, you’d think that with a name like jackson rathbone, the dude could play a convincing southerner. of course, you’d also think that a billion dollar film franchise could afford to hire good actors. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ASS-U-ME THINGS.
5. jasper’s crazy eyes
jasper’s cray cray eyes are BACK and they’re BIGGER THAN EVER. thank the sweet silver screen that he gets more scenes in this movie, so we can see the full spectrum of his insanity.
p.s. i’m also totally adding jasper’s crazy eyes to the drinking game. because my liver hasn’t sent me enough hate mail lately.
6. the fact that any dude would actually fight for bella
i could write a whole entry about this (and many others have) but i had to mention it here cos it bothered me in “eclipse” even more than in the two previous movies combined. WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT BELLA YOU GUYS? sure, she’s pretty, and she stopped doing that hair push back thing (a tremendous acting stride, kristen!) but she’s also hella boring! here, let’s play a game: can you guess the major difference between her performance in the tent scene and the rest of the film? oh, sorry folks, the answer is NOT that she was snoozeville, it’s that she was wearing a hat!
7. the glaring lack of coats
during all of the snowy mountaintop scenes, i was totally channeling my dad: “wait, does bella not own a coat? IT’S SNOWING FOR GOD’S SAKES. who cares if there are vampires afoot, what about the high chance of hypothermia?! this girl doesn’t need a werewolf, she just needs a coat! SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL A FULL LENGTH PUFFY COAT.”
8. edward cullen’s definition of “old fashioned courting”
this portion of the film gets the highly acclaimed This Actually Made Posh Spew Beer award for being the most ridiculous piece of script ever uttered in earnest (well, as earnest as rpatz can act). i can only hope that when someone eventually proposes to me, he will say those magical words: “i want to sit on a porch and drink iced tea with you.” then i will know, without a doubt, that i need to break up with that douchebag immediately cos he prefers ice tea to sex. and also because he has terrible taste in rings. bonus: this moment in the movie is the only time my row of friends got actually SHUSHED by other members of the audience. i considered that shushing to be a badge of honor and accepted it humbly (and with a swig of beer).
9. bree tanner
well, i think i’m about done here with all of my scientific analysis and intrepid journalism. now it’s yr turn! do you agree? disagree? come have some ice tea on the porch with me and we’ll have a real old-fashioned discussion about it!
for an even better review of the film, check out the vulture slideshow (easily the thing i most anticipate about a new twilight movie). and for the best definition of the true “teams” in this movie, you MUST read this.
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Awesome review. I wholeheartedly agree that Billy Burke kicked some acting ass. (He is also a more age appropriate crush for me to have. TL has loverly abs, but he makes me feel like a perv.)
The wigs bothered the crap out of me. My MIL wears wigs (she’s a very flashy lady) and she washes hers in the washing machine with her delicates AND they look more realistic than whatever was on Victoria’s head. I think I actually spied spirit gum peeking out of Bella’s hairline.
And yet, best movie of the franchise. I’ll see them all, who am I kidding?
Oh man Posh, it’s like I was there with you (sans booze) because I felt the same way about ALL OF THESE THINGS. I kinda hate Twilight and forced myself to read all the books as a sort of cultural experiment/get down with the kids kind of thing but I KINDA LIKED THIS MOVIE.
Also, if you feel bad about Jackson Rbone’s acting in THIS movie — just imagine being ME. I went to see the Eclipse midnight showing and then saw the Last Airbender midnight showing the NEXT NIGHT. Which he was ALSO in. And acted SO TERRIBLY ahhhhhhhh!!!! He’s a movie ruiner, for reals. A mruiner.
wait but WHY DID YOU SEE THE LAST AIRBENDER?
because the original tv show is awesome!!! for reals! in a genuine sort of way!
and yes, the movie was terrible. like, i knew m night would ruin my life, i just didn’t know how badly. and the sad part is it has apparently made money and now i’m scared there will be a sequel.
Did you notice that, along with the movie, they also sold various toys and things that tied in with the Airbender flick? I think this is a rather interesting idea. Imagine if other films started selling merchandise related to the movie. Why (and of course this is just fantasy here), producers might even look at films through their potential to sell stuff, such as toys, novelizations, even breakfast cereals. Luckily, this Airbender stuff seems to be an isolated phenomena.
careful, brian, or an international fast food chain might catch wind of this idea and contaminate their healthy burger meals with cheap plastic toys! then again, it seems that most consumers subscribe to the wayne & garth philosophy on selling out, so i think we’re ok.
I tried to enjoy The Last Airbender, but it didn’t work. I don’t understand how a movie that filled with SFX can’t at least be brainlessly exciting. But I can say I kind of wanted one of those lemur-like things. So cute.
No, the movie wasn’t funny or poignant or exciting or anything good at all. The show is all of those things and more (shameless plug) with much more air time given to awesome things (like the flying lemur, Momo!)
All the episodes are on Netflix instant play too!
Haha, I, like, REALLY want to see it, and I have no idea why. I never watched the TV show. It just looks sort of cool.
Dude. JBone is from TEXAS. HOW he managed to mess up a Southern accent, I’ll never know. And I say this from my firmly entrenched position on Team Jasper, where I very much have the hots for JBone-minus-wig. I think I’ll stick with still pictures of him from now on .
But Charlie FTW, throughout the series, the end.
i mean, i can’t even say JBone (awesome nickname, btw) without using a southern accent. JACKSON WHAT HAPPENED.
Yeah, Jbone’s band played at a bar with a friend of ours’ band, and we went to see it, and were just planning on staying for one song, but his band was really really good, so we stayed, and he talked- with a real southern accent, the whole time. I’m terribly confused.
-that picture of the cullens preparing for battle is effing hilarious
-wow that ring was really ugly
-acting aside, jasper’s hair was a little less insane in this movie
-edward’s refusal to have sex with bella always creeped me out, only because I kind of suspected that she was marrying him not to become a vampire, but to have sex. like, that is SO not a reason to get married.
-I expected to hate bree a lot more than I did
-seth clearwater!
-I have to say I admire KStews dedication to this character choice of BELLA SWAN WILL APPEAR NOT TO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. Oh wait, that’s not her acting? well then.
-although I did love that she showed up to the grad party in jeans and a button down
-I liked the Rosalie flashback scene. Although I still don’t understand why anyone would cast nikki reed as a vampire. I mean the girl is so effing tan they have to really cake the white powder on. I don’t know why they didn’t just cast someone who is already on the paler side.
well, obvs nikki reed got the part because of catherine hardwicke, but i agree with you on the lack of pale. she kind of makes up for it by being a relatively good actress, though (i loved the “i was more… dramatic back then” line).
hahahha I know. don’t get me wrong, I love nikki reed, and also complete understand why she got the part, she just looks the worst with all that white makeup on, in my opinion. And I just feel bad cause she looks so horrible. (I mean, the wig doesn’t help either, of course)
wait, what? having sex is not a reason to get married? DAMMIT why didn’t anyone tell me?
morality schmorality, smeyer.
I loved Rosalie. And Jasper’s cray eyes! I think the fact that there was more of the Cullen ‘family time’ in this movie also made me like it more. And Charlie, as ever, was amazing. Great review!
Billy Burke actually MADE the film. What a man! <3
I am about to embark on watching Eclipse!! I’m so scared and nervous that I’ll run out of alcohol before the end credits roll. What will I do then???
If I pass out in the middle of the movie, at least I will have this rundown to remind me later which parts were legitimately awesome and which parts blew chunks. Thank you for this service, poshdeluxe!
update, myself!
This movie was SOOOO LONG. Why was it SO LONG? How long does it take to shove in these basic plot points:
“will you marry me?”
“no.”
(repeat x12)
oh no, gingers out to get us!
graduate!
edward sucks! let’s make out!
newbie vamps are lame LOL
fight!
ugly-ass ring.
erin, you should have written the screenplay.
Oh, nice. And I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who finds Robert Pattinson’s attempts at acting angry hilarious. Every time he tries a vampire snarl, I want to giggle, it looks so stupid.
I haven’t seen this movie yet, but I will this weekend. I plan to enjoy any hotness that comes my way and just let all the rest flow over me. Except when I can’t help but wish that someone would accidentally decapitate Bella. I know, I’m mean, but hey, it’s not like she even has any survival instincts, so maybe she won’t think it’s so bad.
Under deep refusal to read any of the books after suffering through Twilight, I still cackled out loud while reading your review!! Fantastic!
I actually liked the movie too. I like the books (the story is addictive, whether you want to be sucked in or not, even though the writing is crappy). This was the best of the three. I have to agree on the whole wig thing. They were terrible. Like, laughable. Like I couldn’t be scared of Victoria because of her intense afro. On the bright side, Bella’s god awful wig kept her from her normal hair flippage method of “acting.” I think David Slade did a good job because the acting overall was better. Sad to say, but this might be the peak for the series. My favorite part (other than Edward, who, I’m sorry, is pretty cute): Charlie. Love Charlie!!! And the tent scene. I thought that was well-done.
I think the Twilight franchise could suck the good-acting-ness out of Kate Winslet. I saw this one ep of Criminal Minds where Jackson Rathbone was all multiple-personalities-ish and he was bitchin. I don’t think any of these dudes are taking it seriously because, really, would you? I mean, look at those wigs.
(this does not defend Kristen Stewart in the slightest. she can kiss my ass).
And, aww, I kind of like Bree. Or the actress that plays her. I didn’t read that novella thingy, but I read the Wiki summary so I was kinda hoping she wouldn’t suck…
“I think the Twilight franchise could suck the good-acting-ness out of Kate Winslet.” That was hilarious Danielle. Great line.
This film actually doesn’t come out until Friday over here, and I’m really effing excited! Especially after this review. I love bad films.
I don’t understand why they have wigs at all. The ladies need sew-ins!!!! Costume people, if you’ve never heard of a sew-in, go to a dance club in whatever town you’re filming Breaking Dawn in and ask! They will point you to a beauty shop and hook the ladies UP! I mean really, the African-American cast members didn’t hold an intervention and teach them about how to… oh wait. There aren’t any. Nevermind.
Or, for crissakes, ask a drag queen to help you put the wigs on!
Also also, did Esme have even one line in this movie?
“I mean really, the African-American cast members didn’t hold an intervention and teach them about how to… oh wait. There aren’t any. ”
HA HA HA HA HA I LOVE YOU, SHYLOH!
AWESOME review. Highly entertaining, esp: “then i will know, without a doubt, that i need to break up with that douchebag immediately cos he prefers ice tea to sex.” Congrats on the shushing! That is high praise indeed to your row of friends and most particularly to Jenny’s drinking game rules!
Uhm, Jacob, didn’t you ever learn the critical lesson taught to us by Jonah Hill in Superbad? Nobody’s gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since ‘Nam!
best jonah hill quote, ever (not to mention useful fashion advice!).
I was totally waiting for RPatz in that courting scene to fake whisper way too loud in a 1990s SNL way “you slut!” after all that rubbish. Absolutely hilarious. Because it’s up to men to be valiant and save women from being their gross selves.
Being shushed was truly awesome. All the action figure posing was hilarious, Jasper’s sudden outing as a southerner equally so (and why was he just pacing around Bella’s truck waiting to be asked about his past) and the actor playing Charlie, it must be said, did a great job of shrugging off what must have been several layers of depression at the state of his career each morning to man up and act in this movie. I think he must have a flask on him at all times for in between scenes.
And the father-daughter sex talk scene was actually good. Like, good good, not Twilight good.
However, poor Jacob needs a slightly manlier motorbike. His little motocross thing wasn’t really rocking the whole leather jacket vibe. Then again, neither does baby love. Oops, spoilers! Breaking Dawn, hurry up and get here in your two-part goodness.
see, john, this is why i will never see a twilight movie without you.
“and the actor playing Charlie, it must be said, did a great job of shrugging off what must have been several layers of depression at the state of his career each morning to man up and act in this movie.”
MUHAHAHA DUBS TRUE. but also, hello, he’s gotta be banking from these movies by now, yeah? so he can carry a 24k gold flask for breaking dawn!
okay, first i must say that i’ve officially switched to Team Charlie…and i have a whole bunch of people here that made the switch with me!!!!! he made this movie AMAZING!!!
and i hated JBone’s accent too…he had lines in the other movies but he wasn’t southern then…WTF??? also, if we’re discussing accents here, since when is Carlisle all British??? cause in my group of ppl who saw this opening day, we were all a little confused by that one.
i must share with you one of the quotes made by a friend upon viewing the proposal/ring scene: “but it’s SO UGLY! i would have to say no.”
but let’s face it, whether you like the saga or hate the saga, this has definitely been the best movie so far, by MILES.
You’re actually making me want to see this in the theater!
I don’t really want to give them any money besides $1 when it comes to Redbox. *ponders*
i think i’m the odd girl out that liked Jasper this go-around. he made it VERY clear he’s southern, right? maybe i was just glad he got more than one sentence in.
we saw the movie in xd which meant digital on a huge screen, but thankfully not imax. i kept staring at 1) everyone’s lack of pores and 2) bella’s eyebrows, because this is the movie of EXTREME CLOSE-UPS.
but i seriously want bella’s eyebrows now. i paid more attention to that than the rest of the movie. i need to find someone to do them for me and roll their eyes when i say, “like bella. in eclipse.”
bianca, dubs true on the eyebrows. i thought the same thing. although my true eyebrow idol will always be keri russell.
Haha, mine is Audrey Hepburn.
Okay, so I saw it last night at midnight, and – being 16 – I could not get my grubby hands on some alcohol, so my friend and I basically ate the cinema out of pick-n-mix (what are we? six?). And I ate them all during like the first half-hour, which means I did yell “jorts!” at the screen more than once, just for fun, and I also did yell “FACEPUNCH!” at the right time. And then I guffawed in the most immature fashion for the rest of the film…. UNTIL
Deely (mon ami) and I both suddenly got really into it for like the last 45 minutes and properly squealed when Edward PROPERLY proposed…and then I lol’d a bit at the most hideous excuse for an engagement ring I have ever seen. WHERE WAS THE FIST-SIZED ROCK?? Eh? How totally laaaaame.
One of my favourite moments as a viewer was when Jacob got hurt and phased back and D and I sat there, literally saying “Omigod, he MUST be naked! Oh, lol, I hope he’s naked! OH LORD HE’S TRULY NAKED!”
I hate deviating from the books. Mainly because I WANTED to read about Bella seeing Jacob’s willy. Because it would have been lol.
I think I’m still a wee bit excited. Which is why I sound about twelve. But I can say, more coherently, that I totally respect Billy Burke now, as an actor, and as a man of greatness. <3
I have a sneaking suspicion that the studio made them use an easier to replicate ring so they can sell cheap turn your fingers green replicas of it at Hot Topic. Last time I was bored and wandered in there they had hideous plastic replicas of her stupid diamond and wolf charm bracelet.
Oh I forgot about those bracelets. So awesome. “Did you make this yourself?”
Comedy GOLD.
I always thought of that line as: “Did you make this yourself? Because I can totally tell… cheapskate.”
well played, holly! also I DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT JACOB’S NAKEDNESS. i mean, i do, er, eh, well… all i’m trying to say is i didn’t think about him being naked in that particular scene.
ahem.
just watched the film- 2 main questions- why do they all talk SO SLOWLY. it could have easily been 40 minutes shorter if they hadn’t taken a big pause between each word. annoying. secondly- why do they refer to each other by their first names all the time?! “bella, do you want a sandwich?” “edward, what time is it?” “jacob, can you put on some clothes?” THERE’S NO ONE ELSE IN THE ROOM!!!! WHO ELSE WOULD YOU BE TALKING TO??? my friend’s and i have been trying this all afternoon, and it’s unnatural and creepy. on the plus side for eclipse, charlie is a stone cold fox with his super sexy moustache and i got in to the cinema for free because my friend is a manager there. and i am hungover today so it was the perfect hangover afternoon. overall, positive score.
In the film, there’s that actual line… Edward says something like “Jacob, do you own a shirt?” or something very similar. I just remember it because I said “No!” very loudly in response.
ha, i know. but who else would he have said that line to?? one of my friends had never seen the other films or read the book, so he found it very useful. the rest of us just found it weird. i am immune to jacob’s hotness. he just makes me feel a bit nauseous. i just don’t like muscles. i like skinny pale boys. but not ‘rpattz’ as my boyfriend insists on calling him. although i do LOVE cedric diggory. but yeah, costume lady- do your frickin’ job and provide some damn costumes. almost put me off my half price popcorn… sorry guys…
i haven’t seen eclipse. but did play the ‘only way to see new moon is drunk and slightly unconscious’ game last year.
highlight of the night was when my friend decided the bella’s swan dive needed a instant replay and dove off her chair into the aisle
WELL PLAYED, NICOLE’S FRIEND. well played.
So now I need the experience of seeing this in the real theatre. Hubby will NEVER go for this I do not believe…! I have only borrowed them from the library, even better than redbox. Love the hilarious shout-outs in the theatre. May have to ask Billy Burke for his 24K gold flask so’s I can get over my embarrassment.