You guys! Are you so excited? Like, Jesse Spano-on-Caffeine Pills level of excitement? Sweet Valley High is BACK, bishes!
I know exactly how you feel. When I’m not reading a Sweet Valley High book and playing the drinking game, a sort of depression falls over me. It’s characterized by a lack of stabbing pains in my kidneys and fewer people shooting me derisive glances at the local bar. I mean, they still shoot me derisive glances. Just less often.
Right! So! Where we left off, Emily from The Droids was sad because her stepmom was suffering from post-partum depression, not that we in Sweet Valley care about that sort of thing. And Elizabeth was meddling in someone else’s shit, because she is a horrible human being who I wish to punch in the throat. What surprises await us in this recap? Step in and see!
Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Special Christmas
in which Suzanne Devlin comes back to town, misdiagnosed and ready to party down
Number Of Drinks Taken: 19
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 5. This is a Super Edition, after all.
Main Plot: You guys! Suzanne! Suzanne Devlin is back in Sweet Valley! You may remember Dastardly Devlin from that time she tried to steal Elizabeth’s lavaliere. Such hijinks will not stand in Sweet Valley! Petty theft of the Pretty Princess’s house? How dare she? I mean, that really puts the tiny nuisance of all those rapes and overdoses into perspective!
Anyway, yes, Suzanne is back for CHRISTMAS! Christmas, as the song will tell you, is the most magical time of the year! ESPECIALLY in Sweet Valley, where Jessica and Elizabeth can spend all of winter break working on their tans. Elizabeth really pities people like Todd, who have to spend their Christmas holiday in places where it’s COLD and it SNOWS and there are MARSHMALLOWS. I also pity Todd, but for other reasons.
Suzanne has come back to Sweet Valley to make amends for her terrible behavior. Of course, Steven, Elizabeth and Jessica have no intention of letting down their guard around Devious Devlin. No, they mean to punish her for her earlier offenses, but good! But, you know, the Wakefields are pretty lame, so they mostly settle for being vaguely unfriendly and sending her some lame Secret Santa gifts. Oh, Wakefields. This is just disappointing. You’re bringing a pool noodle to a gunfight!
It seems Suzanne has changed, though. She’s quiet and nice and gets dizzy a lot. The Wakefield Parents know that Suzanne is suffering from a terrible illness – MS – but have not told their kids at Suzanne’s request. So, they’ll just let their kids continue to be shit heels to Suzanne, and we’ll all just hope that Suzanne doesn’t die any time soon, yeah?
Anyway, a bunch of Christmas stuff happens that I will not dwell on because I refuse to let the Wakefields ruin Christmas for me, and Suzanne’s doctor sends her a new prescription in the mail. It comes in an envelope, with no instructions. I just want to be clear, here. Suzanne’s doctor sends his patient, who has Multiple Sclerosis, a new prescription in the mail and does not list any contraindicators. Okay? Just so we’re clear.
So Suzanne takes her new medication and washes it down with a glass of champagne, as the Wakefield Parents have left their underage children a bottle of champagne to drink before driving to a holiday party (god, I love the 80s). And then Suzanne borrows the Fiat to go meet Aaron Dallas at a pre-party (this is a set-up by Jessica and Aaron, in which Aaron will totally stand Suzanne up and she’ll be sad and go home) and, of course, wrecks it, because her medication reacts poorly to alcohol.
Finally, the cops find Suzanne and everyone tearfully gathers at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital in order to apologize for being such crappy hosts to their very ill friend. Except! Suzanne’s doctor flies in and guess what! Suzanne doesn’t have MS at all! Turns out she just has mono!! Because it’s SO DECEPTIVELY EASY to mistake fucking mononucleosis which kids get ALL THE TIME with Multiple Sclerosis, which requires brain scans and lots of involved testing to diagnose.
But, don’t worry kids! Now that Suzanne is, in her words, normal again, she can get back to kissing Todd and infecting him with mono!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: You guys! Todd is back for Christmas!! Aren’t you excited???? Yeah, me neither.
In typical lameass Todd fashion, he likes to say things to Elizabeth like “when I get there I’m going to hug you so hard.” Um. Yeah. No long-distance boyfriend says that to his girlfriend, unless that person is Josh Duggar and he is talking to his wife Anna, and it’s followed up with ”because Jesus hates sex and also why does every girl I know wear her hair in the exact same fashion?”
But Todd is carrying around a terrible secret! No, it’s not that he has syphillis, sadly. It turns out he ran into Suzanne at a ski resort in Vermont a few months ago and, well, he sorta kinda . . . likes her.
But, of course, he’s supposed to be soulmates with Elizabeth, so basically he just mopes around all week until Liz dumps his ass. And then, because she is the LAMEST CHARACTER EVER, Liz is actually super happy for Todd that he’s in love with someone else. This is vomitous. This is unhinged. Liz, you can be a little sad that your dudebro boyfriend dumped you for another girl. It’s okay! Try valuing yourself as a person! For once!
Anyway, Todd and Elizabeth break up for the bazillioneth time, and Todd and Suzanne go and hug each other real hard.
Also, in other news, Jessica thinks her awesome Secret Santa is Hans, the hot German foreign exchange student. Of course, everyone knows her Secret Santa is actually Winston Egbert. I took a random poll this past weekend of the mailman, my neighbor, a coworker, the guy who served me my burger at Love Shack, and my cat, and they all knew that it was going to be Winston Egbert. In fact, I even polled an egg as it drifted from one of my ovaries into my fallopian tubes and was on its way to dissolving, unloved and unfertilized, and it also told me that Winston Egbert was clearly the Secret Santa, and why did I bother it with such obvious questions.
Improbable High School Moment: Really? A whole bottle of champagne? I mean, my parents would give me champagne, but not when I was DRIVING! That’s just crazy.
Most Offensive Portion: SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THEY MISDIAGNOSED MONO AS MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS HOW DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS!
Sweet Valley High 26: Hostage
in which the Morrows sans Nicholas are KIDNAPPED!
Number Of Drinks Taken: 32
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2
Main Plot: Ripped from the Headlines! Of the Wall Street Journal! Probably! Once! Regina Morrow and her parents have been kidnapped! And it’s up to Bruce and the twins to mount the LAZIEST RESCUE EVER to save them! Oh noes!
Yes, Regina has been kidnapped by a crazy lady while in Bern, Switzerland (where she’s receiving treatments to hear again so that people can stop talking about her deafness and her mom can quit eating Valium to dull the guilt) and taken to . . . her house. Which is where she’s being held, by the crazy lady. Does this make sense? Not at all. Are you surprised? Not so much, I bet.
Elizabeth discovers that Regina is home and starts to think something fishy is going on when Regina’s “aunt” opens the door and says that Regina doesn’t want to see anyone. Because who would not want to see Elizabeth “Sun Shines Out of Her Ass” Wakefield?
Soon, she recruits both Bruce and Jessica to the cause, and the three kids try to figure out how to save Regina. Mind, this amounts to the following:
- slipping a note into a copy of Ingenue magazine
- flirting with boys
- swimming
- saying, “that’s all we can do for right now; might as well go to the beach”
Mostly through luck and Regina’s help, the kids also discover where the Elder Morrows are being held (in Crazy Lady’s friend’s home) and they find Nicholas and hatch a plan.
Apparently, the Morrows are in such jeopardy because Mr Morrow has developed some sort of computer chip. A crazy man who used to work for Mr Morrow but got fired for stealing wants the chip. So he kidnaps the Morrows and Regina simultaneously, so that he can threaten them and bluster a lot. I have no idea how he knows the Crazy Lady that kidnaps Regina and poses as her aunt. That sort of true crime element is obviously far too unseemly to discuss in wonderful Sweet Valley.
Anyway, even though the rescue attempt is incredibly juvenile, our junior detectives manage to save the Morrows. Let’s party!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: There mostly isn’t one, because Regina is JUST THAT AWESOME. You don’t NEED a sub-plot when Regina’s around. RIP Regina! I love you most of all!
Improbable High School Moment: Look, I’m just saying, Elizabeth Wakefield is no Nancy Fucking Drew, okay?
Most Offensive Portion: Okay, like, it was 12 months ago when the Morrows moved to town. (even though no one ages in Sweet Valley, time still passes. It’s a strange phenomenon that is never addressed. I mean, you’d think they could shoehorn one book in to explain how the Theory of Relativity works in the Sweet Valley vortex, in between, say, the book where Jessica dates a werewolf and the one where Elizabeth almost marries a prince.) When the Morrows moved to town, Mr Morrow donated a computer to the school/set up his plant. You’re telling me that in 12 months, he managed to get the plant off the ground, hire the Crazy Kidnapper Dude, fire the Crazy Kidnapper Dude, design and construct a new computer chip while the Crazy Kidnapper Dude was in jail for theft, and then there was enough time for the Crazy Kidnapper Dude to get out of jail on parole, learn about the chip, find a buyer in South America who was interested in the chip and then kidnap the Morrows in order to steal the chip? You guys. Right now I am rewatching Prison Break on Netflix Streaming, but can I just say that the plot of this book is actually the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen all week? And on Prison Break right now, Michael Scofield just engineered a prison break out of a Panama prison in under a week. With Bellick as an assistant. BELLICK! Fuck’s sake.
Sweet Valley High 27: Lovestruck
in which Ken the Football Star is failing English
Number Of Drinks Taken: 18
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 3
Main Plot: Oh no, you guys!! Ken Matthews, Star Quarterback, is failing English! Dreamy Mr Collins Who Looks Like Robert Redford may not let him play in the big exhibition* game! Everyone’s making fun of Ken for failing English, but he’s mostly worried about what his girlfriend, Susanne Hanlon, thinks of him. Because, you see, Susanne is Rich and also A Snob. She cares about things like Mozart! And art exhibits! And Shakespeare and Bergman films! This is how you can tell that Susanne sucks! There’s no place for art- or culture-lovers in Sweet Valley!
Anyway, Liz meddles (drink) and loans Ken one of her short stories and outlines so that Ken can see how a real writer does things (she pretends to be more modest than that, but I can sense her preening nature). Ken, of course, then steals the paper and turns it in as his own, because otherwise the writers of Sweet Valley High would have had to attempt to surprise us in some way, and that is far too much trouble.
So, because Liz is, like, THE WORLD’S GREATEST WRITER, the story that Ken turns in is raved over. Everyone wants to publish it in the Centennial version of The Oracle! Liz is pretty sad, but she also refuses to say anything, because Liz is a dope and a half. Oh, Liz. Seriously! Try valuing yourself as a person! It could work for you!
Eventually, Ken fesses up by writing a new short story, is not punished in the slightest for cheating, wins the big game, and dumps his snobby girlfriend Susanne. Three cheers for Sweet Valley High!
* An EXHIBITION game! That is a game that ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT MATTER. So why do we care that Sweet Valley will lose if the Quarterback fails English? Also, maybe they should be using this time to develop the second string, non?
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: It’s the Centennial! The town of Sweet Valley is celebrating their 100th birthday, which means that they can now officially be mentioned on The Today Show while Al Rucker is doing the weather. Does Al still do the weather, or is he too important for that now? Does Smuckers still sponser the Celebration Of The Olds? Everytime I see Smucker’s Jam, I think about octogenarians being told that they’ve still got a good two decades to go before anyone will care that they’re still alive. Keep up the dream, octos! And try not to break your hips!
Anyway, because Sweet Valley has been a soul-sucking timeless vortex for 100 years, there’s a big celebration! Bruce (who is Centennial Captain, or something) puts Jessica in charge of the big Centennial picnic. Jess runs around wheedling favors from people; a trillion things go wrong, but in the end everything works out fine.
Improbable High School Moment: Oh my god, SERIOUSLY? A kid CHEATS on a major paper and just because he says he’s sorry, everyone’s okay with it and he’s not suspended or anything? I am totally going to call the UIL committee and report this milarky!
Most Offensive Portion: What’s wrong with liking Shakespeare, and Bergman and going to the museum? Why does Susanne have to be portrayed as such a snob just because she dares to watch foreign films in high school? I HATE YOU, FRANCINE PASCAL CABAL!!
Sweet Valley High 28: Alone in the Crowd
in which we pretend to care about a character we’ve never met before and will never meet again
Number Of Drinks Taken: 19
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2
Main Plot: Lynne Henry is Ugly. Even though she’s slender, 5’10″ and has amber-colored eyes, she is an Ugg. Why? Because she wears GLASSES and SWEATSHIRTS, duh! Anyway, everyone pretty much overlooks ugly ol’ Lynne, except for her neighbor, Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny), who is the keyboardist for popular Sweet Valley band, The Droids.
The Droids announce a songwriting contest, which is inexplicably well-received, even though high school bands, by definition, suck. Don’t think so? One time The Killers came to play a party in my college house. You probably like The Killers, don’t you? Think that first album’s pretty catchy? Wish they hadn’t veered quite so soundly into Bruce Springsteen’s musical backyard in the second? But still roll down the windows and sing really loudly when Mr Brightside comes on the radio?
Yeah. THEY BLEW. What I mostly remember from that night is how the drummer managed to lose his shirt and pants and then sat on the couch in only his boxers, wearing a sign that said Will Drum for Pants.
My point being, bands unilaterally suck when they’re in high school or college. They can’t help it; it’s not their fault. They just haven’t honed their skills or sweated their way to the top yet. Anyway, this is why things like High School Battle of the Bands or your cousin’s garage band for which he plays bass are an amusing time, but not actually something you wet your knickers over. Except, I guess, for The Droids, since everyone in Sweet Valley loses their shit over them.
Anyway, Lynne submits a song – anonymously, of course, because she is Ugly – and to absolutely no one’s surprise, her anonymous submission is the clear winner. In fact, Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny) is so obsessed with the song that he FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE ANONYMOUS SINGER, because Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny) is at his heart a twelve-year-old Fall Out Boy fan.
Emboldened by the anonymous praise, Lynne eventually ditches her glasses and sweatshirts and figures out that, hey! Actually she has the perfect body to wear pretty much all fashion ever created, because the Fashion Gods choose to frown upon those of a shorter or curvier physique! Hooray, Lynne!
And then Guy Chesney (no relation to Kenny) finds out it’s her, and I presume he pours his heart out to her via some sort of penis-in-vagina action.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica, dear sweet Jessica, has decided that the cheerleaders need to have a fundraiser in order to purchase new uniforms. So she settles on a Rock Around The Clock marathon, in which the cheerleaders are sponsored to rock, in a rocking chair, for an hour at a time.
I THINK THIS IS BRILLIANT. Think about it. When you were doing some sort of sponsorship-for-charity-or-fundraising thing, what did it involve? I’ll bet it involved PHYSICAL LABOR of some kind. Like, walk-a-thons, or marathons, or bike-a-thons, or whatever-a-thons. No one ever wants to pay you for doing something awesome, like sleeping! In fact, the only awesome, non-physical-labor “athon” I can think of is the Scully-a-thon, which X-Files fans of a certain breed used to have every year. Basically, people sponsored people to watch Scully-centric episodes of the X-Files; the more episodes watched, the more money raised. Except, no one ever sponsored me to do this, because they realized it was a sucker’s bet. Because I will watch The X-Files for LITERALLY DAYS AT A TIME. You don’t even want to front with me! I WILL DO IT.
Anyway, all this is to say, I would have rocked the shizz out of the Rock Around the Clock marathon.
Improbable High School Moment: This entire book is improbable, unless it were a movie, perhaps starring Freddie Prinze, Jr, in which case it would be completely plausible. Instead, I will use this space to share with you Lynne’s lyrics to her prize-winning song. Presented without comment:
Day after day, I’m feeling kind of lonely,
Day after day, it’s him and him only.
Something in his eyes
Made my hopes start to rise.
But he’s part of a world that doesn’t include me
Nothing he says could ever delude me.
I’ll never win
That’s how it’s always been.
I’m on the outside . . . looking in.
Night after night, I’m saying a prayer.
Night after night . . . that somebody will care!
Somebody to hear me
Somebody to stay near me . . .
But nothing’s going to change.
Dreams can’t deceive me.
I’m all alone.
You’ve got to believe me.
I just can’t win.
That’s how it’s always been.
I’m on the outside – on the outside . . .
Looking in
So, there you have it. I guess if you wanted to enter the Amerian Idol songwriting contest, you could build off these lyrics? Just add some rainbows and unicorn tears, or something.
Most Offensive Portion: OH MY GOD WEARING GLASSES AND SWEATSHIRTS DOESN’T MAKE YOU UGLY, SHUT UP PEOPLE FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL!! SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO BE WARM AND ALSO BE ABLE TO READ THE BOARD, OKAY?
Sweet Valley High 29: Bitter Rivals
in which Amy Sutton is BACK, bishes!
Number Of Drinks Taken: 39 (they go to the beach! or talk about going to the beach! A LOT!)
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 1
Main Plot: Amy Sutton has come back to Sweet Valley! Don’t know who Amy Sutton is? Shame on you for not fulfilling your reading pre-requisites! Amy Sutton was Elizabeth’s very best friend back in sixth grade when they were both writing for The Sixers, the school newspaper, and rivaling Jessica’s Unicorns club. Then she moved to Connecticut and after a while Liz met Enid and made her an equally boring best friend.
Amy moves back and it turns out that she’s now cool less serious and studious than she used to be. Liz has a sad. Now Amy isn’t going to want to have boring outings and talk about her feelings and tell Elizabeth how smart and special she is anymore! Oh noes!
Liz keeps fighting the good fight, thinking that Enid and Amy will like each other and they can all be super-special bestest friends. Liz is even dumber than my parents’ dog, who still falls for me saying, “Hobbes! Outside there’s a bone! A bone, Hobbes!”
Anyway, eventually Liz figures out that her old best friend is way too interested in being fun and vivacious, and makes up with her current best friend, Enid. And I guess everyone’s happy or something; this book was seriously the most tedious book i’ve ever read in my life, topping even Anna Karenina, which is a book that I know everyone else totally gets a boner over, but is nevertheless a book I fucking hate. I got the metaphor eight pages ago, Tolstoy! STOP POUNDING IT IN. My patience has run out of lubrication and all you’re doing is chaffing me.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: I can’t even remember! I just read this book two days ago, but it was really boring BUT they were at the beach a lot and so I was drunk. Um. Oh! Yeah! Lila’s cousin Christopher, who is apparently the bee’s knees, is coming to town. Everyone’s pretty excited about getting some fresh meat in that town, but Christopher totally falls for Enid, because they knew each other from, like, Summer Camp for Bores, or something. Everyone else – Amy included – is INCENSED that Enid has stolen their man! But no one ever mentions Christopher again after this book, so does it really matter? Does anything matter?
Improbable High School Moment: Lila gets the number 1 band in LA, coincidentally called the Number Ones, to play at the party she throws for Christopher’s homecoming. This isn’t really that improbable, I guess, but the fact that she’s not being followed around by MTV cameras for My Super Sweet Sixteen is improbable!
Most Offensive Portion: It probably took me at least 45 minutes to read this book, and it was so unmemorable that I can’t remember the basic plotline TWO DAYS LATER. I’m offended this was even published. Worst ghostwriting yet!
Sweet Valley High Super Edition: Malibu Summer
in which the girls are au pairs and Erin gets alcohol poisoning
Number Of Drinks Taken: 56. I just received a text from my liver that said “thx 4 the good time but i dont think we should c each othr nemore.” My liver is a chatspeech writer, but can you blame it? It doesn’t have thumbs.
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 3
Main Plot: Jessica really wants to spend the summer with Lila in Malibu, but lame ol’ Ned and Alice won’t let her unless Elizabeth goes too. So the girls get jobs as au pairs for rich Malibu families! Jessica chooses to work for a young couple with a baby (who they call Sambo, because if there wasn’t some casual racism going on in these books, then I wouldn’t know what to do with myself) because the cousin of the couple is none other than the famous Tony Sargent, who I guess is like an unCanadian Justin Bieber. Elizabeth, meanwhile, works for a super-rich couple who totally neglect their pretty awesome little girl, Taryn.
One night, while Elizabeth is babysitting Jessica’s charge (so Jess can go to a party), she meets the Sargent’s new houseguest, a guy named Jamie. He’s 21 and in college, and in no time at all, he and Elizabeth are clutching at each other and speaking in husky tones. (Everyone speaks huskily in Sweet Valley.) Elizabeth is worried because Jamie is so much older than her, but what she doesn’t know, because she has the cognitive reasoning abilities of a throw pillow, is that Jamie is actually . . . dun dun dun . . . Tony Sargent!! So, while he’s not too old for her, his hair is probably better than hers.
Anyway, there’s some crazy guy out for Tony’s blood, due to Tony sticking it to his groupie girlfriend, and then he tries to attack Tony with a knife and then Elizabeth hits him in the head and then the truth comes out and then Elizabeth is super sad because Tony lied to her and then he sings her a special song at his concert, and she feels better. You know what this is like! The amazing George Strait movie Pure Country! Which I totally own on digital video disc! Because I love that movie! And the way George Strait’s butt looks in Wranglers.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: So, Taryn, the neglected daughter of Elizabeth’s boss, is totally depressed and withdrawn, because of how no one loves her or pays attention to her. Elizabeth totally sucks as a babysitter, but Jessica totally wins the little girl over. Because Jessica is awesome!! And then Taryn overhears her parents fighting and her dad telling her mom that they shouldn’t have even had Taryn, and the little girl tries to run away. Unfortunately, she tries to run away during a giant storm, and she nearly dies, but Jessica rescues her! And then her parents reunite and promise to do better. I’m not going to be snarky about this, because I sort of maybe, at one point – because I was drunk! – actually teared up and said “aww” outloud. Oh, Taryn. I like you, kid.
In other subplot news, Lila falls for a 15 year old, much to her own chagrin. However, that’s not what matters. What matters is that Lila totally comes out of the closet and no one even notices!!! Check it, page 9:
“I’m more than excited,” Lila said. “I’ve already decided I’m going to fall madly in love this summer.”
“With whom,” Elizabeth asked, amused.
Lila gave her a scathing look. “Who knows?” she said airily, waving her hand. “There are a lot of great-looking girls in Malibu.”
Lila!!! Congratulations for coming out! You just missed the Pride parade, but that gives you like 357 days to come up with an awesome costume for next year!
Improbable High School Moment: High schoolers are au pairs now?
Most Offensive Portion: I can’t believe everyone just ignored Lila’s outing like that!! That’s so rude! I mean, at least buy her a subscription to The Advocate, or something, come on!
Sweet Valley High 30: Jealous Lies
in which two people we don’t care about do some things that we don’t care about
Number Of Drinks Taken: 23
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 3
Main Plot: Remember Pi Beta Alpha, the world’s most useless high school sorority? Well, it’s pledge time again, and pretty Jeannie West really wants to join. Her BFF, Sandra Bacon, is super jealous of Jeannie, because of how effortless everything is for Jeannie, and also because of her “perfect white skin.” (seriously, that’s how she’s described. Did Mel Gibson write these books?) Sandy feels like Pi Beta Alpha is the one thing she has that Jeannie doesn’t, so she sets out to keep Jeannie from pledging successfully.
Jeannie’s pledge task is to ask Tom McCay (no relation to Dylan) to some sort of sorority party. Sandra totally “slips” and tells Tom that Jeannie’s only asked him out to fulfill a pledge challenge. So Tom stands Jeannie up, and Jeannie is mad.
So then Jeannie plots to get her revenge on Tom, by making him fall for her, and then publicly humiliating him. But, of course, she falls for him too, and then she and Sandra make up, and Jeannie doesn’t humiliate Tom, and she gets into the sorority anyway and why does every single one of these books resolve in such a way that makes the reading of the book seem like even MORE of a waste of time than it already is? God. I can’t wait for the serial killer to show up.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Stephen Wakefield has decided to drop out of college and work on a cruise ship. Great idea, Wakefield! It’s totally an awesome idea to drop out of school your freshman year in college and then go work for the VERY STEADY AND SECURE cruiseline industry!
The twins convince their parents and Cara to pretend that they’re completely behind Stephen’s hare-brained idea. It’s totally successful, and Stephen soon realizes that he was being a moron. Hooray! The Wakefields win again! Just like EVERY OTHER TIME.
Improbable High School Moment: Again. SORORITY. IN HIGH SCHOOL. Also, that’s a pledge activity? Asking someone out on a date? I mean, the fraternity across the street from where I lived in college made their pledges dig a pool in their house’s yard, every year, and then would have a pool party for the members and their dates, and then would make the pledges fill in the pool and resod the lawn. In AUGUST. And they were Fijis, like, the dumbest of the dumb. Come on, Pi Beta Alpha. Doesn’t the Greek name mean anything anymore? (Answer: no.)
Most Offensive Portion: What could be offensive about reading the phrase “perfect white skin”?!?!?!?!
That’s it for this week, kids! I hope that those in the US have a very happy and safe 4th (please remember not to add gunpowder to dud fireworks. I’ve done that and it usually doesn’t turn out well. However, I think my singed eyebrows are very striking.) and everyone else enjoy your weekend! Remember that if you’re going to drink, don’t drive, and if you’re going to watch Eclipse, definitely drink.
Related posts:
{ 1 trackback }
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
I’d say “The Best One Yet!” but when they’re all the best one, that begins to lose meaning. So I will just continue my tradition of posting my favorite parts out of all of the awesome.
You’re bringing a pool noodle to a gunfight!
In fact, I even polled an egg as it drifted from one of my ovaries into my fallopian tubes and was on its way to dissolving, unloved and unfertilized, and it also told me that Winston Egbert was clearly the Secret Santa, and why did I bother it with such obvious questions. (best.)
saying, “that’s all we can do for right now; might as well go to the beach”
and I presume he pours his heart out to her via some sort of penis-in-vagina action.
Liz is even dumber than my parents’ dog, who still falls for me saying, “Hobbes! Outside there’s a bone! A bone, Hobbes!”
I just received a text from my liver that said “thx 4 the good time but i dont think we should c each othr nemore.” My liver is a chatspeech writer, but can you blame it? It doesn’t have thumbs.
GEORGE STRAIT’S BUTT.
Also woah, Lila’s gay? That makes so much sense, actually.
Three cheers! No, not for you Wakefields. SHUT UP I’M NOT CHEERING FOR YOU. THOSE CHEERS WERE FOR ERIN.
I WILL TAKE THOSE CHEERS!
Erin, Meredith totally beat me to the comments. I am still laughing over all those beautiful quotes. I almost didn’t make it past the one about being warm and reading the board. Also, I’ve never read Anna Karenina, but I hated Doctor Zhivago (sa-NOOZE and who are all these people anyway?) and chekhov, so I’ve sworn off the Russians (unless they contain kahlua).
In honor of your reply, I’m having one of your favorite Russians right now! mmmm kahlua.
There is so much gold in this post!
RIP Regina – the reason I never took drugs.
Wait, what? Regina’s dead? I thought she was just deaf, lol.
She’s dead! I mean, not yet, recaps wise, but she totally DIES from trying cocaine JUST ONCE at a party after she and Bruce Patman break up cause Amy Sutton steals Bruce away from her.
She’s the reason I have never tried cocaine. (well, one reason) Guys, seriously, you could have a HEART DEFECT and NEVER KNOW IT and then DIE.
omg i can’t wait! now that i think of it, i remember hearing about ‘regina marrow is the reason i never took coke’ clubs on fb and the like.
Seriously?! There are clubs for that? Am looking them up now….
My friends and I always talk about Regina saved us from a life of squalor, broken families and POSSIBLE DEATH!!
I can’t reply to yours so I’ll reply to ma’self.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91120545084&ref=search
Only 47 members!
OMG, this is so awesome! I was at a party once a few years ago with about 7-8 ladies, all born in the 70s and 80s, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US* revealed that we had never tried cocaine because of Regina Morrow.
* Except my one friend who thought twice because of Regina but then tried coke anyway. She lived, but does not recommend it.
she has GLASSES and MOUSY BROWN HAIR of course she’s ugly.
omg, girls, thanks for sharing the lyrics of lynne’s song. as i read i recalled the song i had made up in my head while reading the book. yes, i did that. i think i was 12. it was pretty much my favorite svh or, more likely, the only copy i had been able to score at the 4th of july flea market that year.
“on the outsiiiiiiide lookin’ in…”
Ha! I totally did too! We should all tape ourselves singing our songs – I bet we hit close to the same notes.
(Except I can’t hit any notes, because I am the world’s worst singer. But I can hire someone else to sing for me.)
Oh man, this totally made me actually laugh out loud, which normally wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that I’m at work so it only made it more obvious how much of my work I’m not doing! Fav part:
In fact, I even polled an egg as it drifted from one of my ovaries into my fallopian tubes and was on its way to dissolving, unloved and unfertilized, and it also told me that Winston Egbert was clearly the Secret Santa, and why did I bother it with such obvious questions.
Ah-mazing!
psh, work is for suckers!
I can say that because today is my day off.
Brilliant as always, m’lady.
And ha, caitlin, I made up a song to those lyrics too! I think I actually sang it out loud a few times.
I will be requiring you to sing that to me in two weeks, thank you very much in advance.
Maybe we’ll see Lady Gaga before the show, and I’ll sing it to her, and she’ll be like OMG THAT’S AMAZING LET’S DUET! and then she will have me come on stage to sing it with her and you will be doing an interpretive dance in the background.
Concur with Meredith – this just might be the best one ever! But then, I we haven’t had one in a while, so I’m loving it like a war starved child loves an air drop.
OK, who doesn’t get mad at their bf dumping them for another girl? Even if that guy IS Todd. Hell, I was upset when I had to dump my boyfriend of two weeks in eighth grade because we hadn’t talked for one of those weeks. Okay, maybe I’m the one with issues and Liz is normal.
I appreciate the Duggar family 2.0 reference. Also, nice timely Mel Gibson reference as well! This post is so current, so inspired!
SVH is totally the high-fructose corn syruped, trans fat fruit rollups in the Air Drops.
Right, like, I mean, it’s totally fine to be cool with breaking up with someone but that’s just ridiculous.
Your 8th grade breakup story rivals mine for lamest relationship ever! My 8th grade relationship lasted exactly four hours – josh masterson asked me out in the airport during a layover on our washington dc trip, but then a few hours later he decided he wasn’t ready for such a commitment and dumped me, and I listened to country music on the plane’s in-flight system all the way home.
Wow, only a few hours? Sounds like you forgot to tell him no take backs!
And it remains my most successful relationship to date!
Thanks so much Erin! My keyboard is now covered in tea from the numerous times laughter got in the way of swallowing (I can think of other times that happens, but none so funny as your SVH recaps).
I’ve agree with all the parts Meredith highlighted, but also have to add this:
” I got the metaphor eight pages ago, Tolstoy! STOP POUNDING IT IN. My patience has run out of lubrication and all you’re doing is chaffing me.”
AMAZING.
Oh noes; I hope your keyboard hasn’t shorted out! if it has, you should rearrange all the keys and then return it to the computer store and tell them you require a keyboard suited for the English language.
Oh. My. God. That’s all I can say. I haven’t even read past, what, SVH 10 or 11? Doesn’t matter, because these are so effing hilarious!
Welcome Melissa!
Wonderful job!!! Between “bring a pool noodle to a gunfight” and the your poor poor liver, this one is my fav SVH to date!
Thanks Sandy! I confess that I really want to see someone face off an armed gunman with a pool noodle now.
You ladies don’t realize how lucky you were, being able to read these books without fear in junior high. I’d often pass the stacks of SVH books as I went to check out the latest volume of Comando Explosion Guy, wishing I could taste the magic. Thank you for allowing me this glimpse into the lives of the beautiful people.
Also, glasses and sweaters? Didn’t they have special schools for that sort of people?
yes, brian, they’re called magnet schools, and back in HS i dreamed of attending one. but i didn’t wear glasses, so no dice.
Yeah, but everytime I tried to check out Comando Explosion Guy, the principal called my parents and we had to have a talk about my aggression issues. So I think it’s a fair trade!
erin. ERIN. HOW DO YOU (and yr liver) DO IT?!!!
i really do think this is yr best SVH review yet, which makes me wonder: are the books getting worse, or are yr snark skills reaching a new, smarter-than-val-kilmer-in-”real-genius” level?
meredith already wrote all of my favorite quotes, but yeah. if diablo doesn’t ask for yr help in writing the SVH remake, she’s an idiot.
my kidneys are making stabbing pains at me (um, that may have been the three mimosas and white russian I had at lunch though); I think they have started to reject SVH.
Oh, they’re getting worse. SO MUCH MORE WORSE. At least Regina’s going to die soon! That’s my second favorite SVH book of ALL TIME!
OMG Posh, thank you for mentioning Val Kilmer in Real Genius!! Chris Knight, Val Kilmer’s character, was totally my boyfriend (in my 13-yr-old mind). I loved him sooooo much. I would still totally marry him if he was a real person. Although sadly I think his taste in women veered towards the slutty “student beautician” type, which is not me
Random fact: Stacy Peralta (’80s skateboard champ) was in Real Genius. He played the shuttle pilot at the beginning of the movie in the video the bad guys/government honchos made of the demonstration of the laser killing people from space. I only know that because my brother and I were OBSESSED with that movie (literally watched it about 200 times. Nerds were cool! And went to an awesome school where they constructed dry-ice rinks in their dorm hallways! This was very reassuring to me, as a member of the glasses-and-sweatshirt wearing contingent). I later IMDB’d the whole cast (because I am still obsessed) and was surprised to see Stacy Peralta’s name in there. Weird.
I LOVE REAL GENIUS. Especially cause I WANT THE POPCORN HOUSE IN MY BELLY!
I haven’t read sweet valley since junior high but now I remember why I stopped reading them but your commentary makes them so much more bearable!
As a Jessica, were you more like Jessica or Elizabeth?
haha oh wow, I think I would fall somewhere in between the both of them. I’ll call myself an ElizaJess (not deathly boring and not an evil skank)
I’m surprised your brain cells didn’t decide to spontaneously combust, at the very least just to show solidarity with your liver.
Oh, they did that looooooong ago.
This makes me wish so hard that I still had my entire SVH collection. Because I totally want to check that Lila Fowler reference.
Hilarious post. I tried to read some of it out loud to my partner, but I was laughing too hard.
I’m telling you, it’s there! SVH was trying to encourage a nation of young lesbians! Maybe! Probably!
Oh how I love this!
Alone in the Crowd was my favorite as a kid. I read it when I was 9.
I always assumed that Pascal, Inc. had to do occasional books about unknown characters so fans would stop burning effigies of tight-ass Elizabeth Wakefield for a couple days.
It’s probably true, Lora. Well, that, or so that they can be “diverse and inclusive” by talking about the one or two people with a skin tone darker than “ghostly pale” who live in Sweet Valley.
oh my god they are so horrifically sancitimonious, utterly lacking in compassion and, let’s face it, all common decency. stupid francine pascal ghost writers. i hope they feel suitably guilty now. although, i am scottish so letting a 16 year old drink a bottle of champagne is fairly run of the mill here… and by champagne i mean whisky. the twins would have lasted about 2 weeks at my high school before someone would have egged them for being a bit shit.
what truly upsets me is that i thought that elizabeth was the ‘cool’ one as a kid because she had a boyfriend and liked reading. now i am ashamed. keep up the good work erin, we all appreciate your sacrifice.
lorna, THIS IS WHY I LOVE SCOTLAND. Well, I love it for many reasons, like the prevalence of ginger-bearded men, and the free-flowing whiskey, and the lovely countryside, but MOSTLY FOR THAT REASON. (oh and cause of Cranachan. thats stuff is the BALLS.)
I thought the same thing as a child. Now I see that what Liz needs is a swift punch in the face.
i guess this actually exposes my greatest regret from my youth. i was a proper goodie two shoes. i really wish i’d committed far more acts of minor rebellion. what a waste. stupid elizabeth, encouraging me. i want to kick her in the shins. but as a nurse i’m concerned for your liver- you might need to share out the reading before you’re saffron…
i do love cranachan, but the ginger men and the countryside you are welcome too. i much prefer the culture of the city. and by culture i mean pubs. edinburgh has the most pubs per head of population in britain. we’re very proud.
oh! Are you the one Scottish person who lives in Edinburgh? Because I went there last year and THERE WERE NO SCOTTISH PEOPLE! Only tourists, and maybe some French people who’d retired there.
ALSO the Sir William Scott Monument was made by SATAN, y/y?
I will take all the ginger beards off your hands for you, in the name of international solidarity, etc.
ha, i read your blog. there are loads of us, we just avoid the tourists- they walk really slowly. i find it very irritating. never been up the monument- but my flat has similar steps i think. try climbing them after a few too many jagerbombs. that’s real terror…
i think i know a few ginger guys i can set you up with (mostly doctors at the children’s hospital i work in) if you want. they are perpetually single as they horrify normal people. x
OMG can we talk about how I all of a sudden got SCARED. Like, I wonder how many more of these books there are to review and I was worried there weren’t going to be many more.
And then I went to wikipedia and found out there 181 books total…NOT including the spin of series. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!??!
Oh, fear not, Megan. Fear not. As I told poshdeluxe just the other day, “I have enough Sweet Valley High to keep me going till I die of renal failure.”
Which may be soon!
Haha, that song was DEEP. I wonder if Taylor Swift has read these?
Also, your liver and my mother have that in common. I mean, the chatspeak, not the vast amount of alcohol it holds. At least, presently, that’s all they have in common. As I am the sort of person who is an actual snob and believes in correct spelling, this upsets me deeply. That, and the fact that I still don’t know what my mother is trying to tell me…
HA HA HA, BURN, Holly! I hate you, Taylor Swift!
Are you sure your mother also doesn’t hold a lot of alcohol? Maybe when you aren’t looking?
Wouldn’t surprise me – I cam back from a weekend away and she and my aunt were absolutely pissed.
Like REALLY drunk. It forced me to re-evauluate all of my happy childhood memories, searching for the wine bottle in the corner.
OH.MY.GOD. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile! I didn’t read all of the SVH books (I did, however, read all of the Sweet Valley Twins books…), but your reviews are bringing it all back to me! I do wish I had the series on hand, so I could drink along, especially after a particularly long workweek! Oh, and I just remembered, I did have the SVH board game when I was in middle school. I wonder whatever happened to it…
Erin, you are genius! And Lynne’s song is waaay too awesome for Taylor Swift. But her glasses truly were fug. No surprise she couldn’t get a KEYBOARD player until she ditched them…
Sweet Valley is never going to die, Pascal is writing more books called sweet valley confidential that takes place 10 years later. Wonder what the twins will be like now!
I’m so glad I found your blog!! AMAZINGGG!!!! I will be adding you to my blogroll and can’t wait to read more.
xox
Erin,
Your writing is pure smartass genius! I’m in awe. You should be standing on top of the pyramid in sun-god robes with Chris Knight. “I even polled an egg as it drifted from one of my ovaries into my fallopian tubes and was on its way to dissolving, unloved and unfertilized…” PERFECTION.
So, I’m procrastinating work by reading this and totally remember the first time I read Lila’s comment about “lots of great-looking girls” in the ‘Bu, and how completely kermuffulated I was by it. I even went back and re-read paragraphs several times trying to figure it out, because everything in Sweet Valley is perfect and no one would make mistakes, not even a ghostwriter-
And then while I was giggling over your liver breaking up with you, UPS showed up with the “I *heart* Sweet Valley” shirt that St. Martin’s Press sent me, which means my time here hath been consecrated by all that is wondrous in the world, amen.