Whew. You know how, in school, you had to read some really long, boring book for class, and you hated it so you put it off to the very end, and finished it up in the stairwell between Chemistry and English?
Actually, that never happened to me, cause I really like books, so I usually ended up reading the assignments the day they were assigned. (Writing about them, on the other hand, is another story.)
Well, anyway, that’s been me for the last few weeks. I just couldn’t finish the INTERMINABLE SVH15: Promises, in which Tricia Martin dies (spoiler alert) and everyone acts like her death has really inconvenienced them in some way (not such a spoiler, since pretty much everyone in these books is an unmitigated asshole). But! La! I finished, hooray!
Before I go any further, though, can I just pause quickly and pour one out for a true visionary, artist, and my favorite designer: Alexander McQueen. Godspeed, sir. Heaven’s going to be a hell of a lot better dressed now, that’s for sure.
Anyway, back to the v. important topic of Sweet Valley High. It’s been a big week for the kids at SVH! The publishing staff at St. Martin’s just announced that the SVH series will be re-released. (They tried this about 5 years ago, but never got past Dear Sister.) That means that all of you out there who’ve been reading these reviews will now be able to buy these books for yourself! And then proceed to get totally smashed! (If you need a refresher of the drinking game rules, you can find them here.)
Sweet Valley High 11: Too Good To Be True
In which Suzanne Devlin comes to stay and goes all SWF on SVH
Number Of Drinks Taken: 9
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 5! Could we be growing as a people??
Main Plot: Ned and Alice Wakefield announce that they’re running child a trafficking ring inviting Suzanne Devlin, the daughter of Ned’s old college buddy, to stay with them for a week. And in exchange, they’re sending one of the twins to New York City for the week! This can only end badly!
Jessica goes out to NYC, and Suzanne arrives in Sweet Valley. You might think that a cosmopolitan, New York City socialite with diplomatic immunity would find quaint, postcard-perfect Sweet Valley to be pretty boring. Well, that would make you 100x smarter than anyone in Sweet Valley, who all think that Suzanne is a regular Freshman-year Jenny Humphrey. But, of course, Suzanne is bored among the plebes of Sweet Valley, with their picnics and surfing, so she tries to start a little drama by innocently accusing favored teacher Mr Collins (the one that looks like Robert Redford) of sexual assault. Everyone seems to get upset about that! Geez, Californians are so lame!
But, EVEN WORSE than falsely accusing someone of rape, Suzanne STOLE something. She stole Elizabeth’s lavaliere! This tyranny will not stand!!
Eventually, the truth comes out, and with the help of Winston Egbert, Elizabeth exposes Suzanne as a big lying faking fake. Then someone throws their drink on someone else! It’s so exciting! THIS IS JUST LIKE GOSSIP GIRL, Y’ALL!!
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica’s living it up in New York City! Instead of immediately hunting down Kelly Cutrone and asking for a job and/or becoming a member of a satanist lesbian emo-goth-punk-screamo band, which is what I would do, Jess spends most of her time whining about how Suzanne’s boyfriend isn’t interested in her. Then, of course, because this is Sweet Valley High and Jessica is a female who has shown any sort of sexual interest in her life, he tries to date rape her. Jesus Christ, if we had a Take Back the Night rally for everytime someone gets sexually attacked in these books, it’d be like 90210 during that season when Kelly went all Riot Grrl.
Inexplicably, Jessica still goes out on a date with the guy after he attacks her on the living room floor, but crosses him off her list for good once he makes fun of her for not being sophisticated. The nerve!
Improbable High School Moment: Why would any parent send their 16-year-old, who is in trouble 6 days out of 7, to the capital of Hedonism? That’s like giving your toddler a matchbox and telling him to use it to build you a birdcage. Also, Jessica is intent on never gaining an ounce, which means she won’t be able to eat any food, and what is the point of going to NYC if you aren’t going to consume the equivalent of a year’s supply of food for several third-world countries?
Most Offensive Portion: After a close call, I have to go with False Accusation of Rape. Suzanne, you crazy freak, falsely accusing someone of a sexual attack isn’t funny. And it’s part of what makes girls like Jessica not believed if they decide to report one of their approximately 12,437 sexual assaults.
Also, that Jessica didn’t hit up Shake Shack.
Sweet Valley High 12: When Love Dies
in which Todd’s girlfriend, Tricia Martin, has leukemia
Number Of Drinks Taken: 5. Leukemia is no drinking matter.
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 2. Our moral victory was so short-lived.
Main Plot: Tricia Martin, of the infamous Martin family drunks, has been acting a little suspicious lately. She closes herself off from friends, always seems to be missing class, and eventually breaks up with Steven Wakefield, without giving him a reason why. I did the same thing in high school, but unlike me, Tricia isn’t going through an experimental phase with Kahlua and cream; she’s actually dying of untreatable leukemia.
Which makes me sound like a real jerk for blowing everyone off just for some sweet, sweet Kahlua. Thanks a lot, TRICIA.
Anyway, Steven finally discovers Tricia’s secret (after Elizabeth finds her at the hospital, realizes the truth, and tells Steven, because Elizabeth apparently doesn’t understand things like common decency or patient confidentiality agreements), rushes to Tricia’s bedside, and they have a tearful, passionate, yet ever-so-slightly hindered by the IV tubes, embrace. Problem: solved. Until she dies, of course. But don’t worry, that won’t happen for two more books.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica wants to be a candy striper at the hospital! Not for any ordinary reason, like helping people out or even boosting her college applications, but because a TV talk show host is laid up with an injury. Her plan is to English Patient her way into his heart. She gets Elizabeth to join her, because Elizabeth is A) a sap and B) canny enough to know that if she pretends to care about sick people, colleges will like her more.
Unfortunately, poor Jess is clumsy around her TV talk show host paramour, and ends up causing him more injury in several high-larious sequences that I like to call “Kindegarten Cop Humor.” You know, in the end, when Arnold is all laid up in traction, and then they accidentally hit his leg, which causes him more pain? I don’t know why I’m singling out good ol’ KC, actually, since they run this gag in every damn show or movie that features a character in the hospital. You can be sure that if I’m ever laid up in the hospital, no one’s going to be gesturing wildly and messing with my leg that’s in traction! They’re going to smuggle me french fries from Smashburger and scope out hot doctors who look like they’re on the prowl for Wife #5 and like their trophy wives short, weird and freckled. That’s what friends are supposed to do when you’re sick.
Improbable High School Moment: That no one at school knew Tricia had cancer. Bish, plz. Have any of the writers of SVH ever BEEN to high school? The second Tricia’s doctor called in with an absence slip, the front office would be buzzing, at which point the Office Aide (usually kids who have an ability to slip by unnoticed) will overhear, and then tell their one friend, Goth Jeannine, who cries about it in Spanish class even though she’s never met Tricia, because death suddenly seems so real to her, man, and then the Spanish teacher tells the Art teacher, who instructs his/her students to express their emotions through paper mache, and then the whole school gets called into an assembly in the gym with the school counselors so that they can undergo mass grief training, even though Tricia isn’t dead yet and no one knows her anyway.
Most Offensive Portion: Steven Wakefield totally emotionally manipulates Tricia into getting back together, even though she is DYING OF CANCER. But suuuure, I guess her wishes don’t matter. Let’s all take time out to figure out what the handsome, popular college freshman who isn’t currently dying of cancer wants to do!
Sweet Valley High 13: Kidnapped!
in which if you cannot figure out the plot of this book, you are as stupid as the Wakefields
Number Of Drinks Taken: 5, again! Was I just not drinking the week I read these?
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: page 4. Slowly, but surely!
Main Plot: Elizabeth gets kidnapped by a crazy dude named Carl who works at the hospital as an orderly. Of course, he doesn’t harm her in any way, indoctrinate her into a cult, raise her as his daughter but rape her regularly and impregnate her, kill her and dump her body in a shallow grave, or kill her and then go on national tv claiming that someone else has kidnapped her, and he’s just an innocent victim here even though he has 3 dead wives, because Carl isn’t that savvy. And because any of those other things would have lasting, damaging effects on Liz that would probably remain until at least Sweet Valley High 19.
No, Carl just wants to take Liz to a cabin, tie her up to a chair, dicker with her about using the bathroom, and feed her fish fingers. Because Carl is the lamest kidnapper ever.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: The Morrows!! The Morrows are here! Nicholas and Regina have finally arrived! YES! Now it’s all but prelude to that awesome book in which Regina tries drugs just once and totally dies and then Bruce is driven insane with grief.
Yes, pretty, fabulously wealthy Nicholas and his sister Regina, who as we all know is DEAF but really very pretty otherwise and you can hardly even tell, so don’t worry, have moved to Sweet Valley. They host a party and invite all the kids at school! Before they’ve even met any of the kids! Because that’s something that happens?
Improbable High School Moment: The Morrows have an indoor pool. That shit doesn’t even happen on My Super Sweet 16, y’all.
Most Offensive Portion: I think I have to give it to fish-finger Carl. I just feel like people should have drive, ambition. His kidnapping of Elizabeth was half-hearted, at best. Come on, Carl!
Sweet Valley High 14: Deceptions
in which Liz and Todd get to bore us some more with their stupid boring boringness
Number of Drinks Taken: 19. Holla! That’s more like it!
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: pages 3 to 4. Which is not me expressing uncertainty about which page. I mean that the description took up two whole fucking pages.
Main Plot: Oh, man, get this. Nicholas Morrow, despite being college-educated, rich, handsome and not a total cheesehead, takes one look at Elizabeth and falls in love with her. What? Why? How? Why? Anyway, so he asks her out on a date. And Elizabeth says yes! Because she feels BAD for the rich, sportscar-owning, hot, suave, smooth operator. She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings! Despite the fact that she’s literally only known him for 15 fucking minutes when he asks her out. And, also, you know, she has a boyfriend. I mean, her boyfriend’s LAME, but still.
So now Elizabeth is trapped in a tricky situation! She can’t break a date! But she can’t tell her boyfriend!
You know, one time in college, through a series of events I cannot accurately explain to this day, I found myself accidentally getting involved in phone sex with a stranger. It really was an accident! I was completely unaware of the situation; I thought I was patiently helping a nice, slightly odd young man, by explaining the way things at my residence worked. It wasn’t until I heard his labored breathing and certain . . . sounds . . . and heard him shout my name in ecstasy (“Oh, Erin at The Co-Op! Oh, Erin at The Co-Op! How can you help me??!!”) that I actually realized what was going on.
I tell you this story not to garner your sympathy (although that would be really nice because honestly that was totally one of the grossest things to ever happen to me and just thinking about it right now made me shudder and pull my blanket over my head), but to explain that I, too, have times when I accidentally find myself in a tricky situation and can’t figure out a polite way out that doesn’t involve a shotgun or my elbow to some dude’s face. But Elizabeth isn’t in a tricky situation!! She has a boyfriend! Just tell the dude no! It’s not that hard! I mean, it’s not like Nicholas Morrow is Ryan Reynolds! And even if he was, then you would have been smart enough to put him on the Freebie list the first time you got trashed in front of your boyfriend, in which case, you already have a free pass! Into his pants!
Where was I? Oh yeah, Elizabeth sucks. So anyway, she goes out to dinner with Nicholas, runs into Todd, pretends she’s Jessica, but then I guess it all comes out in the wash, and everyone has a big laugh. Boy, that Todd sure is understanding! Oh wait, he’s not understanding; he’s just boring.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Jessica is failing Math, big time. Once she learns that the Morrow family are going to donate a COMPUTER to Sweet Valley High, she gets a great idea to hack into the database and change her grades.
Only Randy Mason, the computer geek who Jessica flirts with, is no Matthew Broderick, and the Sweet Valley High computer is no W.O.P.R., so Jess and Randy get found out. The principal threatens to expell them, but Elizabeth rides in to save the day. Of course.
Improbable High School Moment: Okay, y’all, look. This book was written in 1986. In 1986, I was in school, albeit first grade. And I clearly remember that my school had about 8 Apple II computers, on which we ran very scholastic programs like Oregon Trail and Frogger. And my school district was not well-off. I’m not entirely sure they didn’t purchase those Apple IIs from the mafia and loaned the teachers out as hit men in order to square the debt. But we had them. Are you really expecting me to believe that Sweet Valley High, with its high property tax rate and location in Silicon Valley, didn’t have one computer, this whole time? REALLY?
Most Offensive Portion: That story I just told about the phone sex. It’s even offending me and it happened to me.
Sweet Valley High 15: Promises
in which Tricia Martin kicks the bucket, Betsy Martin kicks the habit, and everyone needs a good kick in the face
Number of Drinks Taken: 26. Staying on the wagon is hard work when you have to deal with the Wakefields. Just ask Betsy.
First Page On Which the Twins Are Described As “Blonde, Blue-eyed, All-American Good Looks” or equivalent: Y’all. PAGE 16!! What what!! It seems there is one thing more important than talking about how perfect the twins look! And that’s someone dying of cancer at the ripe old age of 17.
Main Plot: Haven’t you been paying attention? Tricia dies! And her sister Betsy and drunken dad George aren’t even there! But the entire Wakefield family is! Lucky Tricia?
Tricia makes one last request of her boyfriend before dying – that he take care of Betsy and lead her to the Wakefield light. So the Wakefields let Betsy move in with them, and soon she’s being helpful, staying sober, and working on her art! And falling in love with Steven, of course, because he’s a Wakefield and it actually defies the laws of physics to have a person be in the same room as a Wakefield and not fall in love with them. It’s totally true. I think it’s because the blonde hair reflects so much light.
Jessica, of course, can not abide by any of this. A trashy Martin? In the modest, split-level Wakefield home? Think of the scandal! (hey Jess, just wait till you find out that your mom is doing it with Bruce’s dad.) So, of course, she connives to kick Betsy out.
Don’t worry, it all works out when Betsy finds true love with a non-Wakefield, gets accepted to art school on a full scholarship, and everyone hangs out at a pool party. Man! That sure sounds nice! Plus, Betsy’s younger sister tragically lost her fight to cancer, like, at least two weeks ago. So everyone’s over it now.
Sub-Plot Not In Least Bit Related To Main Plot: Roger Barrett (the track-runner)’s mom is really sick, and Bruce Patman’s dad flies her down to see a specialist in Houston (what what! Thanks for the shout-out, SVH! After she visits our famed Medical District, might we interest her in NASA? Or some alligators? Or Warren’s?).
Even weirder than that is this: Winston Egbert decides to become one of those guys that compete in those eating challenges. Unfortunately, he fails in his quest to be the center of attention earn a guest spot on Man vs. Food when his attempt at eating seven large pizzas in one sitting is not successful. C’est la vie, Starch King.
Improbable High School Moment: Again, I don’t think that the Francine Pascal Cabal has ever actually been witness to a high school student’s death. Where are the memorials? The plaque in the square? The scholarship in Tricia’s name? The false words of condolences from the therapist that the school district hired to make sure the kids don’t allow something like their friend tragically dying at a young age to interfere with their straight A average? Sheesh. Listen, Cabal, for when you reissue these books: by the time I was a senior in high school, I had been to funerals for six of my friends. You want to know how it’s done, let me know.
Most Offensive Portion: Honest to God. It’s like every single Wakefield thinks Steven should be over Tricia (not just her death! Over her, as in, go out with other girls) as soon as her body’s been put in the ground! Where is your decency, Wakefields? Is it tangled up somewhere in your blonde, all-american hair?
That’s all for this round! Join FYA next time for the most exciting string of books yet! Overnight millionaires, George Glass, Lila vs. Jessica, and Nicholas and Regina!!!!
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erin, you have truly, truly outdone yrself with this round. and i’m not talking about the drinking, because even 26 is obvs pocket change. i’m talking about yr deft handling of this intricate web of BRILLIANT plots that would leave the minds of lesser bloggers spinning. and you did it all WITH A CONCUSSION. good lord, woman!
i had to look up “lavaliere” which is ridiculous because I HAD TO LOOK UP A WORD IN A SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOOK?!!!!
let us pray that st. martin’s doesn’t eff around with any of these masterful story lines when the series is re-released. future generations of young readers deserve to benefit from the casual treatment of date rape, cancer and, you know, anything sacred.
holy cow, erin, you’ve totally done us ALL a service because now I DON’T HAVE TO RE-READ ANY OF THESE BOOKS! i don’t know how you do it.
and OMG goth jeannine. hilarious.
Thanks for the Alexander McQueen pour. Too true. I literally poured some scotch out for Charlie Wilson Tuesday night. Well, I poured it into a house plant because it was cold outside, and then Matt told me I probably killed the plant.
See, SVH #11 is one of the many reasons that I tell Matt he’s not allowed to go teach at a high school. He’s too hot! Some crazed NYC socialite or Lifetime Movie Network character or dead-eyed ex-wife of Charlie Sheen will accuse him of rape when he refuses to become pliant to their sexual whims! (I watch far too many romantic thrillers. Speaking of which! How awesomely trashy does “Chloe” look, everyone? Check out Amanda Seyfried with the CrazyEyes!)
Ah-hem. SVH. YES THE MORROWS OMG! Regina’s weak-ass heart! And deafness! I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO GET TO THAT BOOK!
Your phone sex story is horrible! How have I never heard that?! That used to (almost) happen to me every Sunday when I was working at 365 and this guy would call and ask me to tell him every single product we sold in the store. But I would just be like, “Our catalogue’s online, creep.” and hang up.
Elizabeth, don’t say no to Nicholas. Dump lame-ass Todd and say yes to Nicholas! That’s the awesome way to solve your tricky situation.
Warren’s shout-out!
So many lolz moments in this review! My favorite:
“Inexplicably, Jessica still goes out on a date with the guy after he attacks her on the living room floor, but crosses him off her list for good once he makes fun of her for not being sophisticated. The nerve!”
Anyway, as always, these recaps are my favorite part of FYA. I can’t believe my memory for the details of these terrible books! That, capped with your unbelievably hilarious commentary, makes me clap with glee whenever a new post is up. Erin, next slumber party, we should do a read-aloud of the books and drink along!
I would totes be up for that slumber party, Meredith! And that’s the only way I’ll ever read these books, because, I fear, the books could not even live up to the awesomeness of these reviews!
jenny, they definitely do, they are the best books ever
i know i mentioned in your first svh post that i’m totally gay for you, and i know you mentioned you have a boyfriend, but do you date girls? i mean, i typically don’t, but i would go there. again. FOR YOU. where are those slumber parties again?
omg, how totally inappropriately creepy of me, especially after you shared that horrible story of the sex offender who subjected you to phone sex. *shudder.
also- i think when love dies is a nice little introduction to the awesomeness of cara walker, ehhh? i mean, before she gets all boring and emo over her parents’ divorce, thus becoming a person capable of FEELINGS and changing her own tire and stuff. ugh.
Oh, Erin, I am so in love with your SVH recaps that I just totally put my name in as Erin instead of Sarah. So in love! I can’t believe how vividly I remember Winston Egbert eating all those pizzas! But I do! I remember because there was this whole description about the cheese and it sounded AWESOME.
As a British person living in Britain and reading these books at an impressionable age, I COMPLETELY thought that all American high schools were like this. I was desperate for my dad to ‘get a transfer’ to America, because that happened in TV shows (but never in real life! Especially to printers!). I even used to draw lame little comic strips about what I thought American high school was like (basically, lots of cute outfits, lots of proms, cheerleaders, newspapers (bracket within bracket – I was always so pissed off that none of my schools ever had a school paper. Or cheerleaders, actually. Also, spelling bees. I would have kicked ass at spelling bees.), oh, and many, many sets of twins. I’m pretty sure I never drew them in a single class.).
But anyway. LOVE.
I was actually eating pizza as I read about Winston Egbert eating pizza, and I honestly got jealous of the pizza he was eating, even as I was eating mine! It seemed very cheesy and greasy!
Mere, you are right, Matt is absolutely not allowed to teach high school. He’d end up getting several young stalkers, and you know they’d be the ones who are really smart and kind of nerdy and are going to grow up to be awesome adults, which means you wouldn’t even be able to feel bad for them, even when they’re standing outside a window at the castle, cutting themselves and crying out his name.
Texas Sarah, I had first read the word “lavaliere” when reading SVH, and never bothered to look it up. (I figured it was a necklace but didn’t really care.) But then I heard the word again in a song from Chicago – Roxie Hart sings about wearing nothing but a lavaliere that goes all the way down to her waist. So then for a really long time, I thought it was some sort of lingerie and wondered why in the heck Liz and Jess were wearing matching bras.
Jenn, I cannot promise to go gay for you – I suspect you wouldn’t like it anyway, cause I’m a bit shit as a girlfriend – but you are totally right about Cara. I’m waiting for her and Lila to fully realize their badassness.
British Sarah, the idea of a tinier Sarah dreaming about moving to America makes me laugh and laugh. Tiny Erin dreamed of moving to England! We could have done a swap!
these are the best posts ever. i totally had no idea what a lavaliere was either when reading the books and i too was totally thrown off by the roxie hart lyric from chicago! then, i was watching my favorite abc family television show “greek” and they totally had a ceremony called lavaliering where a boy and girl get pre engaged or something stupid, but he gives her a necklace. That basically clinched the necklace idea for me. so ya.
This is even funnier than the last post I read. Reading “Kidnapped” at age 11 or so was terrifying! Regina Morrow coke death also scared me beyond belief (there’s a Facebook group called “Regina Morrow is the reason I never tried coke” – I didn’t start it, but it’s accurate in my case). These posts are amazing, thanks for writing them!
Regina Morrow is the reason I never tried coke too!! Well, it was a mix between Regina and that picture they showed us of Stevie Nicks’ septum that had a hole in it that you could put a hook through, that is.
Hilarious. Especially the phone sex anecdote. The Internet hasn’t made me laugh this hard in a long time.
Hi-Larious! Esp. the part about Liz not being able to the guy she’s known for 15 minutes that she has a boyfriend!
I wish I still had these books, I’ve kinda forgotten the Regina coke death- maybe I never got that far…
Can’t wait for to read the next set of review!
P.S. Actually I did have at least one friend (and if memory serves 2) that had indoor pools, so don’t find that so hard to believe.
Hi-Larious! Esp. the part about Liz not being able to the guy she’s known for 15 minutes that she has a boyfriend!
I wish I still had these books, I’ve kinda forgotten the Regina coke death- maybe I never got that far…
Can’t wait for to read the next set of review!
P.S. Actually I did have at least one friend (and if memory serves 2) that had indoor pools, and they were “super- wealthy” like the Morrows, so don’t find that so hard to believe.
Man! Are they single? Do they want to marry a short freckled person, by any chance?
I’m really excited for you to get to my favorite, No. 40, On the Edge because it’s one of my favorites despite the tragedy that is Regina Morrow’s overdose on cocaine. I mean, it seemed like such a waste after her parents sent her to Switzerland to get her hearing fixed and she proved that B.P. does actually have a heart.
I’m currently rereading The Saga: The Wakefields of Sweet Valley and Good. God. it’s even better than I remembered.
Thanks for this blog’s existence.