so i saw “new moon” on sunday night, and all i have to say is: JORTS!!!!
ok, well, actually, i have a little more to say, but that’s the main thing. also? this movie? was actually a LOT of fun. sure, it was terrible, and frankly i’m horrified that a movie of this quality can break box office records, but y’all i had a blast! and also JACOB’S ABS!
honestly, i don’t know why i’m writing this review when vulture’s incredible slideshow exists (seriously, if you have not seen their 34 reasons why new moon the movie is better than the book, you’re lamer than bella swan in the midst of edward-induced depression) except that i just really want to talk about JORTS! THERE WERE SO MANY JORTS IN THIS MOVIE! and also, i really did enjoy “new moon” way more than “twilight,” and i’m interested to hear from if anyone else out there agrees (or disagrees!).
i’ve divided my review into two categories: Actually Awesome and Beer Snortworthy.
Actually Awesome (elements of the film that i really did enjoy with v. little sarcasm)
1. dakota fanning as jane
i really, really wish jane was in more than five minutes of this movie cos holy interview with a vampire!!!!!!! obvs she was chewing on the scenery a bit, but wouldn’t you, if you were playing a super evil, red-contact-wearing child-looking vampire? hells yes!!
2. face punch!
“new moon” actually had some intentionally funny moments, and my fave was when bella, mike and jacob go to see this action movie called “face punch,” with the tag line, “LET’S DO THIS!” y’all that is awesome. p.s. dear hollywood, i would see this movie if you made it. just FYI.
3. anna kendrick as jessica
in the first movie, anna kendrick makes it clear that jessica is gonna be waaay less annoying than she is in the book. and in “new moon,” she basically blows kristen stewart out of the water. like, i SO want jessica to be my BFF!!! not only does she actually crack some witty comments, she also treats bella like i would, i.e. “so, um… why are you so lame?” seriously, her scenes in the movie are a class above the rest.
4. taylor lautner’s muscles
no seriously, they are Actually Awesome. and it’s not like i have any journalistic credibility to lose here, so i am not ashamed to admit that this movie TOTALLY MADE ME TEAM JACOB. HARD. like, as hard as taylor’s copious amounts of abs.
Beer Snortworthy (moments where i snorted the beer i was drinking, which i consider to be a sign of pure entertainment)
1. every time edward sparkles. no, this does not get old, and no, they did not figure out a better way to do this even though they obvs had lots of CGI at their disposal.
2. jacob gives bella a dream catcher. no seriously.
3. jacob immediately tears his shirt off after bella falls off the motorcycle. now that’s my kind of first aid!!!!!!
4. jacob’s long hair. see above.
5. every time edward appears when bella is trying to off herself. obvs this kind of isn’t the movie’s fault, since it’s in the book, but GOOD LORD there is no way not to laugh every time this happens. even when it means you get beer up yr nose.
6. JORTS! there are so many jorts in this movie!!!!!! and really, it’s not accurate for me to file this under “beer snortworthy,” cos it’s more like a fist pumping thing. helloooo, favorite new addition to the twilight drinking game!
7. bella’s depression montage. obvs real depression should not be mocked, but when the months started appearing at the bottom of the screen? let’s just say a lot of beer was wasted.
8. edward’s airbrushed abs. britney spears flashback!!!!!!! seriously, though, why put rpatz shirtless in a movie already starring Taylor’s Incredible Physique? that’s just mean.
i could go on, but i don’t want to spoil EVERYTHING for you guys. it’s always nice to have at least one or two beer snorts sneak up on you, you know?
and now, it’s yr turn. what did y’all think? LET’S DO THIS!
p.s. here’s another great (hilarious) review of the movie, plus this awesome alternative version that jenny found. and in case you’d like to see the horrifying twihard products we’ve bashed here on FYA all in one place, here you go! WATCH OUT FOR THE WOMB.
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I LOVED New Moon. So much better than Twilight, on various levels. It was, somehow, worse and better all at the same time. Some of the technical stuff was actually an improvement, but they compensated by ramping up the crazy, the lame, and the just plain plagiarist.
So, let me see…. I guess I should be careful with spoilers, but the important moment in the plot near the end that actually involves sparkles as a central device? YES.
Also, I’m glad the sequel follows up with the original’s determination to spend the first hour not making any sense, and then exacerbating this for the final act by making even broader leaps of logic that make even less sense.
Also, Ashley Greene.
Also hilarious about the depression montage? The snow. In the Pacific Northwest? Not so much.
And yeah, *that* is where I lost my suspension of disbelief.
Mainly, though, I’m looking forward to parodies that follow Edward when he was away, just hanging out and being sad and religious.
And speaking of religion, everyone who says that this movie doesn’t wear it’s Mormonism on its sleeve is nuts. Cause
—-BIG HEAPING SPOILER ALERT BELOW—-
The last line, the big cliffhanger, is that Edward asks Bella to marry him, and she’s kind of weirded out by that???? While she’s asking him to turn her into a vampire so they can be together forever???? So till death do us part freaks her out, but for eternity do we walk together and get all sparkly doesn’t? wtf? The only way that makes sense at all is if you come at it from a Mormon point of view, and remember that on Judgment Day all the husbands will come back down to earth and call out their wives’ secret names in order to have them finally be resurrected and join them in heaven. That *is* a lot of trust to put in someone’s hands. Without that, though, wandering the earth forever and ever and ever (unless you get your head ripped off by a tranny in Rome) is a much bigger commitment than getting married, and Bella’s all about jumping into that life.
I wish I’d been a werewolf so that ending could have made me super angry and then I would have leapt through the screen and chased Stephenie down and made her jump off a cliff.
I am going to see it later this week and am verrrrrrrrry excited. I hated the first Twilight movie but clearly that was because of Jacob’s lack of muscled shirtlessness. Also, I’m not an Edward fan so his reduced screen time is a bonus! I’m sort of confused about the jorts–I feel like in Forks, Washington it’s probably never warm enough for jorts or any shorts for that matter. Also, it’s not Florida.
Going to see it with my future father-in-law, who is a six foot four former college football linebacker, and my pregnant future sister-in-law. We should be quite the funny looking bunch among all the tweenies.
Oh also, Ashley Greene sux.
http://www.usmagazine.com/healthylifestyle/news/ashley-greene-not-eating-got-me-in-shape-for-new-moon-20092311
Best review ever! I love your categories. That’s it, I’m seeing it! I’ll have to rent the first one to have some idea of what’s going on, but Jenny’s drinking game made that a must, anyway.
Team Jorts!
leslie and meredith, i can’t WAIT to hear yr reviews after you see this MASTERPIECE OF SNORT LAUGHTER.
and i gotta give major pants to john and henri for going to see the movie with me AND enjoying it! henri, i completely agree with yr spoiler comment, although my memory of the end of the film is a bit um… foggy. i guess most of the beer didn’t actually end up coming out of my nose.
Mere! Let’s watch it together! with LOTS OF BOOZE.
Here’s my question for Henri: what do you think Bella’s secret name would be? And would it be more or less ridiculous than Renesmee?
now i definitely have to see it! taylor lautner has long hair in that picture? i must have missed it cos i was STARING AT HIS ABS. good lord.
hey, jen lancaster has another new moon post today on her blog here: http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2009/11/taylor-show-me-on-the-doll-where-the-bad-lady-touched-you.html
my favorite part is at the end (i’m all over team shame):
(P.S. Team Jacob!)
(P.P.S. Team Age of Consent?)
(P.P.P.S. Team Shame.)
Henri! I agree completely (although I didn’t know anything about snow in the northwest not being normal – however, that camera circling her while she was just FEELING it was priceless).
But yes, totally with spoiler comment. What I want to know is, how does any of that make sense, in light of the fact that at the very start of the movie we find out that Edward is a Vampire/Mormon hybrid who is apparently getting depressed all the time because his soul is damned?
That was just… weird.
Also, SLOW MOTION!!!
Meredith and Erin, I would drive to Houston to get drunk and watch this movie with you. Seriously.
Ah yes! I think this movie is 10 times better than the first one! I am totally team jorts! I think Chris Weitz is a much better director than Catherine Hardwicke (sp?) with the exception of the ‘scene’ that Alice shows Aro…. everybody in the theatre giggled hysterically.
Yes, I hate Mormonism, and I hate that aspect of Cullins. But… If I have to choose between the two of them, I’d have to go with Team Edward.
I know, I know – Jacob has the amazing abs, and Eddie’s are all just painted on. But… Jacob is still such a wuss, even when he’s threatening to beat up the horrific caricature guy.
If only this movie had come out back when I was in high school; it would have saved me years of trying to be the nice guy. Cause yeah, everyone’s worried about what it’s going to do to ruin the lives of young girls, but what about all the good it’s going to do for the lives of young boys?
The real lesson this movie teaches you, and the whole series of books for that matter, is that if you’re a guy it doesn’t matter how many sit ups you do, or how awesome you can look while jumping off cliffs, the only thing that’s really going to get a fifteen year old girl to want to get with you is whether or not you can brood a lot. And I don’t know about the rest of you guys who read FYA (i.e,. John), but I can brood like there’s no tomorrow! Sit ups, though? They’re kinda boring…
Boys growing up in a post-Twilight age will be able to understand this, and will be able to start just ditching the girls they like for three months while the girls build motorcycles with insanely well-built guys who are still too wussy to be real boyfriend material. Then the main guy will be able to show up, take his shirt off to reveal a pansy kind of sparkley pale chest, and still win the girl back.
Pasty pansy fourteen year old boys the world over owe this film the loss of their virginity, for sure.
But Henri, if you follow that logic, the nice, ab-riddled boys will know that all they have to do is keep being good and hanging around, and they’ll get to marry said girl’s first offspring!
SO, technically, everyone wins!
I was wondering the other day who was worse for the male species – lloyd dobbler or edward cullen.
henri, you’re acting like this “brooding guy always wins” thing was invented by stephenie meyer, when in reality it’s been around since FOREVER. hello, heathcliff? MR. DARCY?!! and sure, teen boys aren’t likely to crack open some victorian literature in search of role models for winning girls’ hearts, but come ON, you had a prime example in the 90s: jordan catalano! didn’t he teach you anything?!!
i really don’t think edward cullen is doing any new damage here, except to vampires, cos he makes them look SO LAME when they used to be badass. now that i think about it, i bet vampires are pissed! dang!
jenny, for yr comment, i gotta give you a major BUH-DUM-DUM-CHING! total lolz.
and erin, out of the two, edward is definitely worse. sure, lloyd is obsessed, but does he hang out in diane’s room and watch her sleep? no. sure, he probably *wishes* he could, but lloyd limits himself to standing right outside of her room with a boom box. that’s some restraint right there.
Sarah, so funny, as I was scrolling down and reading the new comments, I was preparing myself to be all: “HELLO MR. DARCY INVENTED BROODING, NOT EDWARD CULLEN.” I’m so glad you beat me to it!
I finally saw New Moon over the holiday. Unfortunately, I was in a theater in Shreveport, LA at 11:00 am on Black Friday—so there was no booze. It made the movie harder to get through, for sure.
Being Team Jacob, my take on the movie is pretty much that I thought the sections of the movie without Edward were very entertaining, even funny! Whenever Edward shows up again, the movie sucks. I swear, for a couple who are supposedly dating, Kristen and Robert don’t have a lot of sparks onscreen. Bella actually has some fun and makes some jokes around Jacob, but she is nothing but a whiny brat when Edward’s around (and her acting seems to get exponentially worse in her scenes with him). And yes, it’s just totally mean to show Edward’s abs at all in this movie after Jacob’s set that rival Michaelangelo’s David.
Agreed that the actress playing Jessica is great. Love her. I also like the guy playing Charlie a lot. He plays Bella’s dad as far more emotionally intelligent and less socially awkward than the character in the books, but I think I prefer him in the movie. I appreciate the suggestion that fathers are not bumbling robots unable to connect with their daughters. Yet again, I reiterate that Ashley Greene sucks. She is so not how I picture Alice, especially with that 40-year-old preppy woman haircut. I also think she’s a terrible actress. I also didn’t notice in the first one, but DAMN does Esme have a giant forehead!!
I have to agree with Henri that the Edward vs. Jacob storyline is doing damage to teen relationships. The message is that the kind, caring, reliable guy who is a friend to you in good and bad times is never as exciting as the guy who’s dangerous, brooding, controlling, and unreliable.
leslie, yr michaelangelo comment made me lolz cos also DOUBLE TRUE.
y’all i am seriously considering going to see this movie AGAIN. obvs for free again. and with drinks again. but still. that is just crazycakes. i guess jorts just have that affect on me.
I have to comment on several things mentioned here.
1) Even though Edward’s abs are painted on, in some of the photos of Shirtless Edward in Italy (and my blog has gotten HUNDREDS of hits from Europeans googling that phrase, all because I may have mentioned that those photos make me hot), they make me hot. Dare I say they left (and still do, when I happen across one; I mean, it’s not like I saved the photos on my hard drive and drool over them every now and then) my panties damp? Shirtless Edward in Italy, that is quite an accomplishment for a woman 5 years past menopause, and my husband thanks you. He also hates you, but that’s beside the point.
2) I don’t care much for Bella’s personality and penchant for mooning after a guy who, let’s face it, stalks and controls her.
3) There is no three.
4) I’d like to add that seeing the movie in an actual theater alone made New Moon better than Twilight.
5) Alcohol is now a must for me when I watch a movie. Any movie. I snuck little bottles of wine into Remember Me last week (Yes, I had to see it because Robward is in it; loved the movie, cried for two days afterward, maybe the wine had something to do with that.) and oh did they make the experience much more thrilling. Is there an actual drinking game written up especially for these movies? I mean, I’ll be getting my advance copy of New Moon tomorrow and I need to be prepared.
I can’t figure out why my husband hates the whole Twilight thing so much and was appalled that I purchased a PocketEdward and carry him around with me.
Rita, I, too, had a completely organic, and obsessive love affair with the series! As someone who has been crushing on Mr. Pattinson since watching the special features on the HP 4 DVD, I’m so glad he’s legally an adult now, so, yeah.
As far as the New Moon Drinking Game? Stay tuned! I will be posting an Official FYA New Moon Drinking Game tomorrow!!!!
I’m sure you’ve seen this, but just in case:
New Moon in One Minute
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bXeQ7baYEE
ha ha YES. the best part about that movie is the collie with the human mouth. freaky, yet awesome.
I almost threw up, though I had to lol at that stupid lamb pillow.