In today’s news of Twilight WTFery, Forks, Washington is going to open a Twilight restaurant. Because the world just cannot resist pissing me off.
I read about this on Jezebel this morning, and in the comments, people brought up a good point: no matter how offensive this is to morally-centered humans and particularly sentient slugs, Forks is a town that needs all the economic help it can get, and if a bunch of Twi-hards want to fork over (thanks, I’ll be here all night) their parents’ hard-earned cash in tourist dollars, va bene.
So, with that in mind, I have come up with other Twilight-themed attractions for Forks, WA. Tourism Council of Forks, I expect to be thanked with a souvenir thimble, spoon and refrigerator magnet.
Cullen Family Zip Line Tours- Soar over the majestic North Pacific rain forest in this exciting zip line tour! Go from 0 to 85 as you lift from the ground to a neighboring towering treetop, as if by diluted and unimpressive magic!
Forks High School Bumper Cars – Unlike traditional, “vanilla” bumper cars, the exciting Forks edition will allow you to bump into cars with your own body. Thrill as you compete amongst your friends to see who can create the most Edwardian dent in the side of a beat-up truck.
Tide Pool Discovery Tour with Werewolf Guide – For the ecologist in every family (hint! that’s the one that isn’t going to get laid any time soon!), this guided tour offers a look at the miraculous microcosms created by a receding tide*. Your Authentic Werewolf Guide will show you all the best barnacles and snails, as well as randomly hit a growth spurt in the middle of your tour, bulk up to someone vaguely resembling Bruce Banner, and then start going on about his new country-singer girlfriend. (Note: Tours during the full moon are half-price.)
Vampire Baseball- Take in a bit of Forks’ oldest sporting tradition, Vampire Baseball. Cheer on your favorite team, the Forks Fangs, during the first few innings, as they play a form of baseball which in no way resembles the actual game. Then, get ready for audience participation as the game goes unexpectedly south in the 4th inning and you are forced to be mauled by the visiting team.
Do you have any ideas for the Forks Tourism Board? Answer in comments below!
* this reminds me; there is a Sweet Valley High book in which Jessica and Winston Egbert are stranded on an island! There were tide pools in that book, too, but it was far more entertaining.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
erin, you know you shouldn’t be giving away these awesome ideas for free, right? um does anyone else smell a NEW CONSULTING BUSINESS?!!!! holla FYAers we’s about to MAKE IT RAIN UP IN HERE. and i don’t mean that in the dreary forks sense, i mean it in the CASH MONEY way. holy shizz. seriously. “twilight consulting: for all of yr sparkly vampire obsession needs.”
in honor of our grand opening, i’ll throw in some other ideas:
Bella’s Cooking Class
learn how to cook just like a teen girl with an absentee, socially handicapped dad! this class will cover the basics of hamburger helper, casserole and everyone’s favorite, grilled cheese! after cooking, everyone will be able to enjoy the meal together in awkward, painful silence.
The Forks Suicide Trail
for anyone who’s ever considered offing themselves in the spirit of True Love, this once-in-a-lifetime tour will take you on a wild motorcycle ride up to the top of forks’ most beautiful and treacherous cliff, where you can end your life in glorious, angsty drama. images of edward seconds before you die may not be included.
Ooh! Ooh! A caesarean clinic, anyone?
OH SNAP JENNY
dude, jenny, that one’s impossible to top.
how about a quileute dating service, where you wander around random parks and beaches staring at strangers hoping for that lasting imprint connection?
Oh! I was just thinking about that one! Shizzam!
It’d be much like eharmony, actually, Meghan. Only instead of matching you on 23 different and not entirely unsuspicious “character traits,” you will just smell people. Or whatever it is Jacob goes around doing.
Is there a quileute version of NAMBLA? but for babies? NAMTLA? North-American Man-Toddler Love Association?
it might be less creepy than that old eharmony guy, actually. he totally freaks me out.
How about Werewolf Therapy (because this applies to all of them) where they convince you, that, no, really, it’s normal to fall madly in love with your ex’s crush.
Oops, sorry, screwed up, lost my train of thought.
Okay, EDIT!!!!
How about Werewolf therapy, where they help you work through your issues and make sure you come out feeling that no, really it’s not creepy to fall madly in love with your “ex”‘s daughter, who is TWO.