REPORT CARD for “perfect you”
bff charm: NAY
swoonworthy scale: 4
talky talk: whiney mcwhinerton
bonus factors: the mall, kickass gram
relationship status: don’t call me, i’ll call you
the deal:
kate brown has a LOT of crap going on. her childhood best friend, anna, recently dropped her for the popular crowd, and her crazycakes dad quit his job to sell vitamins at the mall and, even worse, makes anna work there with him. she’s crushing on a hottie named will who also happens to be the male slut of the school, and her only other friends are a trio of girls all named jennifer (um, yeah). things go from bad to worse when her parents start fighting and her bossy grandmother decides to move in and take control. without anna, kate’s not sure who she is, and when her family begins to fall apart, her whole world seems on the verge of collapse.
bff charm: NAY
y’all, this is the first time i’ve said NAY to this question but GAH KATE IS SO ANNOYING!!!!!!! and ok, you know how, in some books, the main character starts off pretty bad but then overcomes obstacles or struggles with heartbreak and then evolves into a really amazing person? that does NOT HAPPEN in this book until, like, maaaaaaybe the last page. maybe. instead, kate spends the entire story WHINING ABOUT EVERYTHING and moping around cos her best friend anna decided to get a boyfriend and become a cheerleader. hmmm I WONDER WHY?!!! could it be because anna is LAME?!!!
not only that, but it is SO OBVIOUS that will (the hottie) is totally super into her, and yet she’s so wrapped up in self-pity that she treats him like crap and thinks that he only wants to make out with her by the mall dumpsters (which is, admittedly, kind of awesome). yeah, it can be tough in high school to figure out if someone likes you, esp. when you don’t have any confidence, but when a dude is giving you more signals than PEETA GAVE KATNISS, that’s just… that’s just ridiculous.
i’m all about realistic characters with flaws, but come ON elizabeth scott. you gotta give me somebody i can root for! instead, i just ended up yelling, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OVER ANNA ALREADY!” and “WILL LIKES YOU, YOU IDIOT.” in other words, kate and i are not gonna be sitting together in the cafeteria any time soon. or, like, ever.
swoonworthy scale: 4
one of the few things i enjoyed about this book was kate’s hot make-out sessions with will. IN THE MALL PARKING LOT HOLLA!!!!! for the life of me, i can’t figure out WHY will actually likes kate, but he does, and his pursuit of her is really sweet. with that said, i can only give this book a 4, cos kate’s internal monologue often ruined any semblance of romance. SIGH.
talky talk: whiney mcwhinerton
um, i think i already explained myself pretty well in the BFF section but yeah, that whole “whiney teenager” thing? anna NAILS IT. she assumes the worse about everything. in fact, i can sum up the dialogue in this book for you with one sentence: anna won’t be my friend anymore WHINE and will could never like someone like me WHINE and my dad is crazy WHINE and MY LIFE IS SO HARD WHINE X INFINITY.
bonus factor: the mall
no matter how hard life is, teenagers always have an oasis known as THE MALL. kate spends a lot of time (whining) in the mall, and it made me nostalgic for the days when my friends and i would get chic-fil-a in the food court, then go to contempo casuals and judy’s and spy on the cute guy who worked at the american cookie company.
bonus factor: kickass gram
the other thing i actually enjoyed about “perfect you” is kate’s TOTALLY FABULOUS grandmother. the hilarious thing is that kate thinks her grandma is annoying, when actually it’s KATE who’s annoying while her grandma is the cat’s pajamas. she’s totes rich and loves to shop and constantly brings home clothing for kate and her mom, which of course they never appreciate cos they are LAME. like, at one point, grandma buys kate some purple suede boots! PURPLE. SUEDE. and kate’s all, “i hate these! whine whine whine!” not only is grandma like joan collins minus the dramz, she’s also full of sage advice! check out this conversation between kate and grandma, and you’ll understand why i wanted to punch kate in the face and steal her grandma for my v. own.
[note: i've inserted character names in the dialogue so you know who's talking at the beginning, but it obvs doesn't appear like that in the book]
kate: “But where’s the good stuff you mentioned? Because I’m sitting here trying to think of something– anything– and I can’t. In fact, whenever I think life can’t get any worse, it does.”
grandma: “So, you’re telling me that no matter what, you can’t be happy? Well, darling, it’s no wonder you’re miserable. It’s what you want.”
“It’s not like that,” I snapped. “I want to be happy.”
“So then try.”
“Try? That’s your advice? Try to be happy? Great, Grandma. Thanks.”
“Darling, the world doesn’t owe you anything.”
“Wow, that so doesn’t make me feel better.”
“It’s not supposed to,” she said. “That part is up to you.”
SEE WHAT I MEAN? “perfect you” would be SO much better if it was all about grams and her fabulous shopping sprees and how annoying it is to deal with whiney grandchildren these days who don’t even appreciate purple suede boots.
casting call:
i can’t bring myself to cast kate. i’m sorry.
however, will is another matter entirely!
taylor lautner as will
you’re welcome.
as for grandma, ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?
joan collins as grandma
relationship status: don’t call me, i’ll call you
i think i’ve made my point, and i didn’t even mention the fact that kate’s dad is a ridiculously annoying, hopelessly mature loser who likes to annoy people with vitamin samples and sneaks out of work to play video games. no WONDER the girl has no self-esteem. echoing will’s inexplicable crush on kate, i really couldn’t buy the fact that somehow, kate’s mom was in love with this idiot. but yeah, her dad is just the icing on the cake, and really i hate using that phrase cos i ADORE cake and i couldn’t stomach this book.
i could go on but then i’d end up whining a lot like you-know-who so let’s just say that i yelled at this book a lot. like, twilight a lot. if i saw this book on the street, i would turn around and walk in the opposite direction v. v. quickly.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
i also find that rachel cohn’s characters are pretty annoying. they tend to be unreliable narrators, and they’re spoiled brats.
Ah, we’ll all have to say nay at some point! Good job! There are many books I’d like to walk in the opposite direction of, myself! No one needs a teenager that whiney!
Ya, I agree with jessica that rachel cohn’s characters are obnoxious, and elizabeth scott’s are kind of annoying also. I did really like her book, Living Dead Girl, very intense story about child abduction.
ouch! i have to say i lurved this review — there are def. times you just want to smack characters like this! and jessica, i totally agree with you about rachel cohn — i couldn’t stand nick and norah’s infinite playlist, and i like some david levithan. cohn just killed the book. this post also inspired me to dump scott westerfeld’s “so yesterday” before even getting to second base.
Amen, Amen, Amen! I read this book awhile ago, and I found the protagonist to be the worst part of the book. Seriously? How many times can your former best friend stand you up like a jerk and you just take it? Blech! She wasn’t even funny about it like the chick from Doing It (which was hilarious).
double true on rachel cohn. the only reason i finished “pop princess” is cos i bought it at half price books and i felt the need to get my money’s worth. obvs i wasn’t paying attention in economics class when we learned about “sunk cost.”
thanks for the support on keeping my bff charm. it felt kind of mean until i realized that kate doesn’t need a friend, she needs a SPINE.
Yay, I was JUST thinking, “I’m ready for one of these posts to give a ‘nay’ to the BFF charm!” Sounds like it was well-deserved. May I suggest Kristen Kreuk as Kate? On Smallville, she’s all whiney whine whine “My parents are dead” sob sob sob “No one takes me seriously because I’m so pretty.”
on the upside, cute shoes.