“bella is to ______ as katniss is to badass”

This morning, I sent Sarah an email with a picture and the following text: “this threatens to make me vom in the middle of the grocery store.”

The picture in question?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU GUYS.  WHAT THE EFF?

(Also, bonus points for a) my phone’s pretty nice camera and b) the reflection of my UT sweatshirt in the plastic display case.  I’m pretty fashion-forward, I know.  Also it’s game day.)

The back cover of this little beauty poses the following important query:  ”Can you resist the allure of Edward’s myriad charms—his ocher eyes and tousled hair, the cadence of his speech, his chiseled alabaster skin, and his gratuitous charm?” 

In answer:  Yes.  Yes, I can.

Also, Edward’s charm is gratuitous?  No wonder I think he’s a douche.

ALSO ALSO, are you seriously telling me that “tousled” is an SAT word?  SERIOUSLY?  My six year old knows what “tousled” means.  Of course, she also told me yesterday that I was being pedantic and patronizing, so, you know, she’s a silver-tongued brat who needs to learn her place.

According to this book, there are 600 SAT words in Twilight.  Six hundred!  Is mysogyny an SAT word?   How about “underdeveloped, treacly romance?”  Is that SAT-worthy?  And, I mean, not to pick on poor Stephenie Meyer more than I do every other day, but one of the few memories I haven’t repressed from reading Twilight is that her use of ten cent words was often egregious and misplaced.  So I’m not sure that Twilight is the best book for teaching kids about vocabulary.  Try Lolita instead.

My favorite bits, though, are the in-no-way-renumerated reviews on the back:

“Brian Leaf has taken the pain out of studying for standardized tests. He shows students how to use Twilight to increase their word power. Who would have thought that learning vocabulary could be so much fun?”
–Bruce Hammond, Fiske Guide to Getting Into the Right College.

“I never would have believed that students could study vocabulary and enjoy a great book like Twilight at the same time, but Brian Leaf makes it possible!”
–Peter Facinelli, Dr. Carlisle Cullen in the Twilight saga movies

You guys!  Who knew that READING could be fun?  That’s just crazy talk!  Also, nice plug, guy from the movies.

It did make me think, though – what would a Twilight-centered SAT look like, beyond mind-numbingly bad?  I kind of want to see it.  Just think of the math section!  “Bella and Edward approach each other from 500 yards away.  But Edward is really strong and fast, and Bella falls over a lot.  At which point in the line does Erin roll her eyes and throw the book down?”

Well, never let it be said that some guy hoping to cash in on Twilight‘s oversaturation of the market cares more about teenagers’ SAT scores than FYA does.  In order to assist the cause, I have helpfully prepared some SAT prep questions below, for the FYA readers to study.  Good luck on the big test! 

Reading Comprehension.  Carefully read the extract below and identify the main theme.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.

I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn’t quite dry enough for my taste. I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him. The wind was gentle; it tangled my hair and ruffled the grass that swayed around his motionless form.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real. . . hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.

A) Teenage girls spend most of their time swooning over their high school boyfriends in the middle of a glade, and this behavior needs to be promoted and not, in fact, politely discouraged.

B) Making a vampire sparkle completely negates the metaphorical function of vampires as mirrors of humanity’s dark impulses.

C) Stephenie Meyer needs to put down the thesaurus.

D) B and C, but not A

Sentence Completion.  Please complete the following sentence by selecting the best choice from below:

Bella’s complete lack of ___________ could be considered a form of _________, but is more likely a result of _________.

A) financial stability . . .  recessionista behavior . . . being in high school

B) respect for her parents . . . . teenage rebellion . . . being a terrible person

C) characterization . . . mysogyny . . . lazy writing

Analogies.  Complete the analogy below by writing your best answer in the comments portion.

“Bella is to ________ as katniss is to badass.”

Tagged as: marketing, twilight, wtf